Results

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so out of curiosity he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “He’s very gently and so easy to ride. When you get on just say, ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise…

Help me doc! Jackson went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I’m goin’ crazy.” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.…

Heaven! This 85-year-old couple died in a car crash after having been married almost 60 years. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful…

Good News ... Bad News Good News:—You baptized seven people today in the river. - Bad News: —You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: —The Women’s Ministry voted to send you a get-well card. - Bad News:—The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: —The Board accepted your job description the way…

Funny, Isn’t It? _ Funny how a $100 ““looks”” so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the mall. _ Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball. _ Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short…

Some parting shots... 1. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong direction. 2. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 3. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 4. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 5.…

Safety First!?! If you regularly ride in automobiles, drive carefully because auto crashes are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents. Staying at home doesn’t help because 17% of all fatal accidents occur in the home. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because pedestrians account for 14% of fatal…

If I Had One Wish. . . . A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it, and a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, “No. Due to inflation, constant down-sizing and fierce global competition, I can only…

Hole in One As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult…

Early or Late? One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ““Good morning Alex.”” ““Good morning…

The Gift... When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Smith from the IRS was on the line. “Hello, is this the minister?” “Yes, this is.” “I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Reynolds. Do you recognize the name?” “Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can…

The End is Near! A priest and a pastor from two local churches were standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: “The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It’s Too Late!” As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” From the…

The Dog A minister was walking down the street when he came upon about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys might be hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?” One of the boys replied, “This dog…

The Difference Between Hymns and Praise Choruses If you haven’t seen this before, you won’t want to miss this classic now! Enjoy... CHORUSES An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer, “It was good.…

The Birthday Present... A couple had been arguing about the getting a new automobile for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town, and fly down the interstate. He would probably have settled on any old beat-up old truck, but everything…

Monastery A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people…

The Last Impression... My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

God is Like... _ God is like Coke - He’’s the real thing. _ God is like Pan Am - He makes the going great. _ God is like General Electric - He lights your path. _ God is like Bayer Aspirin - He works wonders. _ God is like Hallmark Cards - He cares enough to send the very best. _ God is like Tide - He…

God is Bigger than Your Problems by Alan Smith The following incident is reported to have been published by Associated Press a while back: In Arkansas, a lady named Linda went to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed…

The Baptist Dog A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager…

our tenth child Illus: A very elderly couple was having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest…

new dentures Illus: This reminds me of the minister who just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures put in. · The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes · The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes · On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes When asked about this by…

More than We Ask or Imagine by Alan Smith A 60-year-old couple was celebrating their 40th year of marriage. During the celebration, a genie appeared and said, “Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish.” The wife quickly chimed in, “I want to travel…

Ladies and Gentlemen? A young minister took a short missions trip to Latin America. He was going to use a translator when preaching, but to identify with his audience; he wanted to begin his message by saying in Spanish, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” He arrived at the church a little early and…

How To Remove a Choir Member A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that maybe he should think about serving in other places, but he continued to come to the choir -- which caused the choir director to become more and more desperate. Finally, he went to the pastor.…