Spiritual Parenting
1 Thessalonians 2:17-3:13
Key Elements of Spiritual Parenting
Introduction
Review setting--Paul's interrupted relationship with the Thessalonian Christians. We come now to a long section of this letter in which Paul fills them in on what happened after he left Thessalonica. Read 2:17-3:10. Why does he spend so much time on this?
Because he is their spiritual parent (2:7,11), he is concerned that they not interpret his physical absence as proof that he does not care about them. (Maybe Paul's enemies were telling them this.) There were good reasons why he could not come back, and he has been deeply concerned about them the whole time.
But there is another reason. He explains this because he expects them to take up the same loving responsibility toward others. That's why he ends this passage by praying not only that God will direct his way back to them (3:11), but also that they will love others in the same way that he loves them (3:12).
In God's family, it is his will that all of us become spiritual parents. He wants you to become his child by receiving Christ (GOSPEL). He also wants you to grow up into spiritual maturity--and that involves (among other things) taking responsibility for the spiritual care of younger Christians. This includes not only your own children, but also other younger Christians that he brings into your life. This is one of the key dynamics of the New Testament church that was so different than the traditional church model of today.
In the traditional model, the church is like a PERPETUAL SPIRITUAL DAY-CARE CENTER. There are one or two professional spiritual caregivers who are expected to tend to everyone else's spiritual needs, no matter how long they have been Christians. The alternatives are unacceptable--either stay small or become superficial.
In the New Testament church, the church is like a GROWING & DEVELOPING FAMILY. The parents take care of the young children. But as the children grow older, they are expected to help care for the younger children, and then to get married, have their own children--and teach their children the same model. This is the model we are committed to in Xenos--every Christian is to become a spiritual parent.
If you buy this, then this passage is not merely a historical insight into Paul's relationship with the Thessalonian Christians. It becomes valuable instruction on some of the key elements of spiritual parenting.
The priority of face-to-face relating
The first prominent element is the priority Paul placed on face-to-face relating. Notice how many times he mentions this in the passage (2:17,18; 3:6,10,11). For Paul, a letter (even an inspired one) was a distant second to actually being with them. If he had access to telephone, email, video conferencing, etc., he would undoubtedly have used them--but they would never have replaced this as the primary way of imparting God's truth and love.
Why is this? The answer has to do with what it means to be a human being. We are not merely data nodes, needing only "connectivity." We are embodied spirits, made in God's image--so that fully human interaction requires bodily presence.
While Christianity values the written word greatly because of its ability to preserve content, it values personal presence even more. When God revealed himself to the human race, he didn't drop a book out of the sky--he "became flesh and dwelt among us" (Jn. 1:14). That's why Paul said 2:7,8 (read).
For all of the advantages and opportunities afforded by information technology, to the extent that we let it crowd out the priority of relating to people face to face, it is dehumanizing and profoundly anti-spiritual in the biblical sense of that term.
Connectivity is not fully personal communication. I recently saw in commercial in which the IT company asserted that "Soon, it may no longer be necessary to ever have face to face contact with anyone again." This would not be utopia--it would be a nightmare. The Sprint commercials in which the trench-coat guy liberates people from being tied to their desktop computers by giving them web-linked cell phones is not a true liberation. It is just another way to stay linked to the web instead of relating to people. Commercials like the ones that provide call screening so you can spend quality time with your children or spouse reveal the extent to which IT has intruded into face-to-face human relating. We now have to market IT technology to block the IT technologies we're marketing!
"Human interaction at the deepest level involves at least two participants who acknowledge and respond to each other's spoken questions, comments, and exclamations as well as the nonverbal language of embodied articulation--the raised eyebrow, the squinting eye, the furrowed brow, the misty eyes, the nodding or shaking of the head. These irreducibly personal factors and many others--such as spontaneity and humor--make up a conversation, a dialogue, in which no machine can participate."1
In the same way, in-depth spiritual instruction and transfer of spiritual values requires close relationship--which requires personal presence. This is what Paul says in 3:10 and Rom. 1:11,12, and John says that same thing in 3 Jn. 1:13,14.
" . . . the kind of community required for the resuscitation of (spiritual) life requires the grace that comes through the human touch, the human voice, the human gaze. Genuine community shines through the human presence of truth expressed personally. Cyberspace can only mimic or mirror these things (however convincingly); it cannot create them. It can, however, beguile us into mistaking connectivity for community, data for wisdom, and efficiency for excellence. If cyberspace is kept closely fastened to the real world, and if we refuse its temptations to exchange the virtual for the literal, it can be our servant. Otherwise it will become a demanding and all-consuming media monster."2
What does all this have to do with being a spiritual parent? Lots!
Are you prioritizing this with your children (REGULAR ALONE TIME; FOCUSED LISTENING; EYE-CONTACT; MEANINGFUL TOUCH)? Are you modeling it in your relationship with your spouse? Or are you letting TV, internet, video games, etc. crowd this out? My kids have asked many times for cable TV and unlimited internet access. I always tell them I'll do it if they can refute this logic: If we get it and don't use it a lot, we're wasting our money; if we get it and do use it a lot, we're wasting our time.
Do you prioritize this in your efforts to grow spiritually (HOME GROUP INVOLVEMENT; CORPORATE PRAYER; ONE-ON-ONE TIME)? Or are you trying to get by on chat-rooms, web-sites, books, email, etc.? While these things can augment spiritual instruction, the notion of online churches or cyber-seminaries is a contradiction in terms.
Do you prioritize this in your efforts to impact others for Christ (DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIPS WITH NEIGHBORS, WORK-MATES, ETC.)? Or are you trying to get by on chat-rooms, phone calls, tapes, videos, email, etc.?
I think this is going to become a bigger and bigger challenge to us, as the world speeds up and the tidal wave of information continues to crash over us. But it will also be one of our greatest witnesses to the world . . .
Emotional attachment to their spiritual health
Let's look at another aspect of Paul's spiritual parenting. Notice the way that Paul's emotional state is affected by their spiritual state--re-read 3:5-9.
What was his emotional state while their spiritual welfare was imperiled? He was so anguished that he "could endure it no longer" without sending someone to check on them (3:5). He speaks of this same kind of anguish for his spiritual children in 2 Cor. 11:28,29 and Gal. 4:19,20--and agony (agwn) even for Christians whom he has never met (Col. 2:1)!
Conversely, what was his emotional state when he learned that they were safe and moving forward spiritually? He was comforted in spite of the persecution he was experiencing, he "really lives," he is overflowing with thanks and rejoicing to God.
How different this is from our models of spiritual and emotional health today!
We talk a lot about our need for psychological "space"--by which we mean we don't want to let others get close enough to us that that they can affect us emotionally. People talk increasingly about relationships as similar to financial investments--stick when the emotional benefit is good, sell when the emotional cost is too high.
We have TV models like Jerry Seinfeld, who is completely cynical and detached. He is "together" because he is never emotionally affected by the defeats and victories of his friends. Even his "empathy" is bemused mockery.
We have spiritual models like Buddhism, which teaches that the root of all evil is desire. This includes desiring other people's spiritual welfare to the point that we would get upset by their problems. Spirituality is detachment from this kind of concern, the enlightened recognition that all such desire is giving into to deception and illusion.
"This is neurotic! This is codependency!" Neurotic, codependent relationships (parenting as well as romantic) are unhealthy--but there are crucial differences between codependency and what Paul is describing.
In codependent relationships, my identity and security are based on whether you like me, how you make me look. In Christ-centered relationships, my identity and security are rooted ultimately in how Christ views me and in his unwavering love for me.
In codependent relationships, I am completely dependent emotionally on how you treat me. Thus the extreme "roller-coaster" effect. In Christ-centered relationships, I can be anchored and lay hold of his comfort and peace even in the midst of relational pain.
In codependent relationships, I am unable to discipline because I am dependent on the above. In Christ-centered relationships, I may weep while I do it--but I am willing and able to take a stand for truth and even jeopardize the relationship over what God says is true and right and therefore for your good.
In a word, codependent relationships are ultimately idolatrous and self-serving, while Christ-centered relationships are theo-centric and sacrificial.
How about you? Are you involved and invested enough in other people's spiritual lives that your emotional life is affected by them? When was the last time you wept over someone's choice to turn away from the Lord? When was the last time you felt great joy over someone's choice to come to Christ and/or grow in him? I have to regularly ask God to give me this heart . . .
Why it is well worth the effort
This kind of spiritual parenting is hard work--but it is worth it!
You will have spiritual vitality in the present, because God fills you with his life and love as you give it away to others (3:8; Mk. 8:35; contra DEAD SEA).
You will have increasing joy in the future, as you see many (not all) of the people in whom you have invested going on with the Lord (3 Jn. 1:3,4; MY SPIRITUAL CHILDREN & MY OWN CHILDREN, HOPEFULLY).
You will have great reward (joy, glory, etc.) in the presence of Christ when he returns and evaluates the true quality of your life (2:19,20). When the dust settles, what will matter is not how much money you made, how many toys you accumulated, how much human prestige and status you have--but the people you impacted for Jesus Christ through your personal investment.
1 Douglas Grootuis, The Soul in Cyberspace (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House Co., 1997), p. 152.
2 Douglas Grootuis, The Soul in Cyberspace (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House Co., 1997), p. 143.