07 - What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men 2009
Notes
Transcript
“When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, What is MAN that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?”—Ps. 8:3-4
Very indebted to Pastor Mark Adams of Rockville, Maryland for a lot of the excellent info. for this message.
We’re talking about what husbands wish their wives would figure out.
First, let’s begin at first base:
MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. Some of the differences have nothing to do with gender - but others do.
These differences are complimentary and God-given. They are intended to bring balance, depth and exhilaration to a marriage relationship. But, trying to understand each other can also be frustrating.
I think many women have frequently asked the question found in verse four of our text: "What IS Man?"
As we said last time, it is important for husbands and wives to commit to understand their differences because we are commanded to do so in God's Word. I Corinthians 7:3 says, "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other's needs."
And, I Peter 3:7 says, "You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way."
But this is also important because the secret of intimacy in marriage is in understanding each other's unique needs and committing to meet them.
When we selfishly ignore each other's needs, marriage is a painful thing instead of the blessing God intended.
So let's begin by covering some of the general differences between men and women:
First of all, men tend to be more visually-oriented than women who tend to be more auditory.
Men are sight-driven. Women are ear-driven. Men are wooed by sight, while women are wooed by words.
Second, men are usually focused on one thing at a time while women can be multi-focused . . . which is why our wives expect us to be able to watch TV and engage in conversation at the same time!
Third, men seem to care less about relationships than women. This showed up in a couple responses to a survey. When asked, "What do you wish your wives knew about you?" one husband said, "less" -- and another wrote, "She already knows too much."
What were these men saying? "Relationships are hard for us to deal with. Let's just leave things be."
And speaking as a man, it IS harder for men to be transparent than it is women.
And here are some other unique characteristics of men....
According to recent article in MEN'S HEALTH magazine the typical man....
Will produce about 25 feet of hair in his lifetime but one in five will go bald in their 20's. ...
Retains about 60 percent of his body weight in water and will produce up to a half gallon of sweat daily.
Even though man is not faster than any animal on earth, he can outrun any other species for long distances.
He consumes 2,400 calories per day and his body is so efficient that if he ran on gasoline, he would get 900 miles per gallon.
The typical male is married and would marry his spouse again.
He cries about once a month, approximately one fourth as often as a woman and he usually tries to hide it.
He eats his corn on the cob in circles rather than straight across. Check that one out next time you serve that entre'!
In his book, Understanding the Man in Your Life, H. Norman Wright adds,
"Men snore more...they fight more...they change their minds more often than women do...their blood is redder...their daylight vision is superior.....they have thicker skins and longer vocal chords.
Their metabolic rate is higher...more of them are left-handed...they feel pain less than women.....They age earlier but wrinkle later....their immunity against disease is weaker...they talk about themselves less, but worry about themselves more."
Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating that even the "seat" of emotions in a man's brain is "wired" differently than in a woman's.
So -- men are different than women!
And men want their wives to at least realize this difference. One survey revealed that men "wish their wives knew how and why they are wired differently"
Another husband said in a survey that he wished his wife, "...would not just know me but better understand me."
And one great misconception about men is that they are shallow, and only concerned with the physical. The phrase that says “The way to man’s heart is through his stomach” is a myth.
The fact is that men have similar needs to women, only in a male kind of way.
First, we have:
Emotional needs
REAL men do have REAL emotional needs.
The difference is that women are more open with theirs. A woman’s behavior is usually an open window to her emotions.
THE PROBLEM: Men have been raised on myths like, “Real men don’t cry.” Or, jokes like "How many REAL MEN does it take to change a light bulb? Zero-because REAL MEN aren't afraid of the dark!"
In the comic strip series, “For better or Worse,” a teenage boy and his date were featured. They were walking along the beach looking at a beautiful sunset. The comic shows the boy thinking things like.... "What an extraordinary evening...the sunset is brilliant...and I am walking with the most beautiful girl in the world. It's as if this night was made for us! I'll never forget it as long as I live..."
That's what he thought but then he turned to his girl and said, "I'm hungry. Want to go grab a burger?" And in great feminine frustration she replied, "Oh Michael, you're so Unromantic!!!"
He wasn't unromantic....the sunset caused a great emotional, romantic response in the young man but he just didn't know how to communicate it...
The truth is men are very emotional. We are deeply moved by music and beauty! WIVES, like you, we also have a deep need both to love and feel loved.
In a recent issue of HOMELIFE magazine there is a story about Dr. Scott Beck, a survivor of an ill-fated Mount Everest ascent.
As a result of his ordeal on the world's tallest mountain, Beck's nose had to be reconstructed and a metal prosthesis took the place of one of his hands.
His other hand is now weblike-the lasting results of a frostbitten nightmare in which several of Beck's friends died.
But he says the thing that kept him going....the thing that made him get up when everyone else had pronounced him dead was the clear and sweet memory of his wife.
He desperately wanted to hold her and his children in his arms again. That emotional need and the hope of its fulfillment is literally all that kept him going. MEN ARE EMOTIONAL!
An old poem sums this up well.
“Although I conquer all the earth, Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is only one house; And in that house, one room only;
And in that room, a bed -- And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom.”
RELATIONAL NEEDS
Granted, it IS true that women tend to be better at relationships than men. Someone once said, "women enjoy relationships while men enjoy results."
We have relational needs....it is just that relationships are harder for us to deal with.
It's like a conversation Tim Allen once had with his TV wife, Jill, on ABC's Home Improvement. He said, "Men have an extra 'Y' chromosome."
"So?" replied Jill.
"So.....men are always asking ‘WHY do we always have to talk about relationships?’"
I think most men are like Tim. Relationships, and talking about them, is uncomfortable for us.
Part of this relational discomfort stems from the fact that men aren't as vocally-gifted as women. Men use about 5,000 words in one day while women use 20,000.
When a man reaches his "word limit" he stops and stares.
Wives tend to think, "The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it."
But husbands think, "The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it."
Husbands and wives are different in this way....one doesn't talk about feelings much and the other shares them easily and freely.
H. Norman Wright offers a solution to this dilemma. He says:
"A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an unexpressive male.....Men can change. But, challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations do.
I can tell you that men hear the WAY something is said to them far more than what is said.
If what is said sounds berating, judgmental, nagging, or angry, he doesn’t hear the words spoken.
ANOTHER COMMUNICATION FACT:
Men respond to questions which elicit factual responses. It's easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it....starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings."
But HERE’S A WORD OF CAUTION:
A man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is shared with others, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. If this happens, the door may shut for good.
Remember: Safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge of his castle and share his feelings.
WIVES SHOULD ALSO KNOW that men develop relationships in a different way than women. Women tend to make friends based on shared feelings with another person, whereas men do so on the basis of SHARED ACTIVITIES.
A man's best buddy is often the friend from work who loves golf as much as he does. They are friends because they enjoy doing the same things together.
So wives, if it seems like your relationship with your husband is a little rocky, try making an extra effort to do things to BE WITH your husband. Learn to play golf or to fish or to play chess...find something you and your husband can DO together and this will go a long way to help fulfill both of your relational needs.
Just don't buy into the myth that says that men don't have relational needs. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
In fact, MEN NEED RELATIONSHIPS. We are designed to be incomplete without them. Remember? In Genesis God said, "It is not good for man to be alone."
And Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
Men need the affirmation and encouragement that relationships provide. We are designed to require a help-mate -- someone in life to believe in us....to encourage us. One husband expressed this need when he wrote, I wish my wife knew "...how important her affirmation is to me."
Ephesians 5:33 says, "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him and esteems him and that she defers to him, praises him, loves and admires him exceedingly." Wives, husbands need you to be their cheerleader...their one-woman fan club....they need a relationship with you in which they feel your confidence and trust.
No man is an island. We need relationships. So men, don't buy into the LONE RANGER philosophy that says, "Real men don't need anyone-except maybe their horse."
So, men have emotional needs; they have relational needs and they also have....
SPIRITUAL NEEDS
Both women AND men have an inborn need to know God personally. We are not just physical beings. We are also mind and spirit.
So not only do we have physical needs....we have spiritual needs as well. It is part of WHO and WHAT we are!
The problem with husbands....men....is that in the attempt to provide for their families they often get so busy in their careers that they forget this truth.
Men tend to fall into the trap of drawing their identity and significance from what they DO.
IN our culture, a man is defined by what he does.
When asked to introduce themselves men say, "I...am a fireman, or a doctor or an accountant, or a software engineer, or a carpenter, or a dentist, or a plumber, or a pastor."
The problem with that is we are so much more than what we do.
Norman Wright says again, "Who am I is the wrong question. The right question is 'Where am I in relation to God Himself.'
The first thing a man asks once saved is “What can I start DOING for God?”
This is the wrong question. It is not DOING things for God. It is simply being WITH Him. Being with Him is the purpose of our life."
And I would add, you find out who you are when you spend time with the One that made you who you are.
Men need to learn that, as DCTALK used to sing, "It's not who you are...it's Who you know" that satisfies the real needs in our lives.
So we men need to learn to turn from living for self or living for a job to living for and with God. We should heed the words of Paul in Galatians 2:20 who said, "I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
Being career-oriented and the earthly success that often comes from this lifestyle choice can make a man think he doesn't need God.
His attitude can become like millionaire Ted Turner’s who, referring to Jesus once said, "I don't need anyone to die for me."
Men who fall into this trap should heed the warning given by the prophet Jeremiah who said, "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord." (Jeremiah 17:5 )
They should hear the words of Jesus in Matthew 23 when He said, "Woe to you men who think you have all the answers!"
We don't have all the answers! We need the wisdom and guidance that comes from a relationship with God.
MEN, I will tell you that you will never be all you can be until you totally turn your life over to Christ Jesus!
This tendency to think we have all the answers and rely on self instead of God might be the reason why the suicide rate for men is two and a half times that of women.
Maybe this is why the incidence of stress-related diseases such as high blood pressure, stroke, and heart disease is two to four times higher for men than women.
One man, fearing burnout, went to his counselor who immediately urged him to do less work. "Furthermore," the counselor continued, "I want you to spend one hour each week at the cemetery." "What on earth do you want me to do that for?" the man replied incredulously. "What should I DO at the cemetery?" "Not much," the counselor replied. "Take it easy, and look around. Get acquainted with some of the men already in there and remember, they didn't finish their work either."
So men, we need to learn to walk with God...to depend on Him....to draw our significance in life not from WHAT WE DO but from Who we know. In Jeremiah 17:7 it says, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."
A great violinist once visited Houston, Texas, to hold a concert. The news papers used most of their available space to describe his original, and extremely valuable Stradivarius violin. On the morning of the concert, the papers actually carried a picture of the great instrument that he would use.
That night the hall filled with people, and the violinist played extremely well. As he finished, applause thundered from every part of the concert hall. After it subsided, he carefully laid down his bow and carried a chair out to center stage. Then...raising the violin over his head with both hands, he smashed it across the back of the chair. It splintered into a thousand pieces. The audience gasped and sat stunned.
Then, coming back to the microphone, he said, "I read in this morning's paper how great my violin was, so I walked down the street and found a pawnshop. For $10 I bought a cheap violin. I put new strings on it, and that's the violin I played this evening, the smashed one. I wanted to demonstrate for you that it isn't my violin that counts most. It's the hands that hold it."
Likewise, successfully living as a Christian male depends less on the instrument (body) and more on the One who holds us. Manhood is not found in physical abilities, personality, behavior, charisma, talent , intelligence, performance, or profession.
Real manhood is found in the inner man who commits to being filled with the Holy Spirit.
Men and women have many of the same needs, only in different gender-specific ways. Men have emotional needs, relational needs, and spiritual needs. And their ways of having those needs met need to be understood by the woman in their life.