Relationship Goals

Notes
Transcript
Judges 13:1–5 (NIV)
Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord, so the Lord delivered them into the hands of the Philistines for forty years.
A certain man of Zorah, named Manoah, from the clan of the Danites, had a wife who was childless, unable to give birth.
The angel of the Lord appeared to her and said, “You are barren and childless, but you are going to become pregnant and give birth to a son.
Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink and that you do not eat anything unclean.
You will become pregnant and have a son whose head is never to be touched by a razor because the boy is to be a Nazirite, dedicated to God from the womb. He will take the lead in delivering Israel from the hands of the Philistines.”
If I had to come up with a subtitle for today’s message, I’d call it "Don’t Marry Crazy”

Introduction

Ok, let’s warm the tent up real fast this morning...
How many of you remember the name of your first love? On the count of three, I want you to say his or her name out loud. Are you ready?
Here we go...
I’m kidding, we’re not doing that this morning.
But truthfully, we remember, or we “catch feelings” as the young people say, for the first person who captured our hearts, don’t we? And if we are all being honest in church this morning, it’s not your spouse. I know, we say things like, “It’s you. It’s always been you.” But I know, that you know, that you were 12 or 13 years old and for the first time in your life you noticed someone.
And they noticed you back.
And it was a complicated, awkward, puppy love of a romance, and you’ll never forget that person. You might forget some of the people that came after them, and before your spouse if you are married, but you don’t forget that first person who had your attention.

Transition

Well today, we’re actually going to start with that as we talk about Samson.

Delilah Wasn’t First

Many of us know the story of Samson and Delilah. Samson, as we just read, was a man with a gift and a calling on his life. Delilah was the baddie that he had no business falling in love with, that he fell in love with. Delilah was the woman that he loved, but she didn’t love him back. She was the girl that his mama said, “anyone but her,” but he went right along anyway.
And ultimately, she was the one who got him killed. That’s why we know about Delilah.
But what many people read past in their Bible is that Delilah wasn’t first. No, you see unfortunately, Delilah represents a cycle of getting relationships wrong.
Uh oh…
I said it, she represents a cycle.
Delilah is the most notable, but actually she was just the next woman up in the dysfunctional love life of Samson.
Many of you didn’t know that.
There was a young Philistine woman, who lived Timnah. Her name was Taylor. Last name Swift.
No I’m kidding… that wasn’t her name. She’s actually not named in the Bible, she’s just known as a Philistine girl from Timnah, but I got to give her a name so we are going to go with Taylor. Taylor from Timnah.
So today we’re gonna look at Samson’s first love and we’re going to look at what he got wrong so that we can both learn, and get applications for our life.
So let’s talk about Samson.

The Judge Who Never Left Home

Samson is an enigma. He was born for greatness, but he never lived up to his potential.
For the sake of time, I’m going to skip over some of Samson’s story, but let me get to the punch line of it all.
Samson was created so that he would free Israel from the oppression of the Philistines. That’s why he was born. That’s why he was created. That’s why he had to follow a strict Nazarite vow.
So Samson is created to free Israel from the Philistines, but instead here is what we read:
Judges 14:1–3 (NIV)
Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman.
When he returned, he said to his father and mother, “I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.”
His father and mother replied, “Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?” But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.”
Oh Lord… help Samson. He has only seen Taylor, and he said “she’s the right one for me.”
He doesn’t know what she believes.
He doesn’t know her last name.
He hasn’t met her parents, or her siblings.
He doesn’t know if this woman is crazy.
He doesn’t know what her credit score is.
He doesn’t know if she likes pineapples on her pizza.
He made a decision based on what he saw.
Sometimes the Bible don’t need a preacher. It just lays it all out there for you. This is one of those times…

Who Are You?

When Samson told his parents that he wanted to marry Taylor, they rightfully pushed back and reminded him that he was an Israelite. And, an Israelite with a Nazarite vow.
Samson, do you know who you are?
And the answer is obviously, no. No, he doesn’t know who he is.
When you don’t know who you are, you bring someone else into the relationship.
If you do not know who you are and if you are still figuring things out when it comes to your faith, your career, your education, and what you want to do with your life, you aren’t ready for a relationship.
Samson had not figured out who he was.
He was supposed to free Israel from the Philistines, not get in bed with them.
That’s both literal and figurative.
And when we have more questions than answers about ourselves, and then we enter into a relationship, we aren’t just going to confuse ourselves, but we are also going to confuse the other person.
As you start to figure things out about yourself, and if you begin to change and become someone the other person doesn’t even like, you are headed towards a lot of pain. You are headed towards a lot of confusion.
And this is how people get hurt. This is how lives are damaged.
We can’t make decisions that are congruent with who we are if we don’t know who we are!
Let me say that another way…
How can you make value based decisions if you haven’t defined your values?
Samson was looking at Taylor and thinking #RelationshipGoals and meanwhile the only relationship that mattered, the one with God, was non existent.
So the application for us is Don’t make a goal out of the wrong relationship.
Sometimes you say a guy or a girl and you call her #GOALS, but that is the wrong way and the wrong relationship to make a goal out of.
We will struggle to get the horizontal relationship right if we can’t get the vertical relationship right.
So Samson doesn’t bring the best version of himself into this marriage. Why? Because Samson doesn’t know who he is.
And to be fair to Taylor, she didn’t know who Samson was either.
But in those days it clearly didn’t matter because marriages were arranged and so Samson’s Dad, and Taylors Dad, agreed to let these two get married.

Taylor Wasn’t 100

Now here is where it gets interesting… Samson kills a lion one day in Timnah, and about a week later he sees that bees had made a honeycomb in the carcass of the lion. So Samson thought it would be funny to make a riddle out of this event and see if anyone could solve the riddle.
Guys, Taylor didn’t like riddles. She didn’t think it was funny. Samson is out there thinking he’s got game with his riddles and she’s not having it.
Beyond that, Samson, who is supposed to be judging the Philistines decides to play with them instead. He goes around telling some of the Philistine men the riddle and says to them, if you can guess the riddle right I’ll give you some nice clothes, but if you can’t figure it out, then each of you need to give me some new clothes.
This isn’t relationship advise, but it’s life advise.
Stop playing with the enemy.
Just stop playing with the enemy… the enemy is anything that’s not good for your soul. And sometimes that’s easy to see and other times you need friends around you who love you enough to tell you, “you’re playing with the wrong person.”
So let’s read on what happened with Samson and Taylor.
Judges 14:15–17 (NIV)
On the fourth day, they said to Samson’s wife, “Coax your husband into explaining the riddle for us, or we will burn you and your father’s household to death. Did you invite us here to steal our property?”
Then Samson’s wife threw herself on him, sobbing, “You hate me! You don’t really love me. You’ve given my people a riddle, but you haven’t told me the answer.” “I haven’t even explained it to my father or mother,” he replied, “so why should I explain it to you?”
She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people.
Samson AND Taylor prioritized the men of her town and his parents over their marriage to one another.
When you enter into a relationship with the end goal of a marriage, the most important relationship of your life is now that person. It’s not your parents. It’s not your girl friends. It’s not your siblings.
And if you are not ready to give this type of devotion, you are not ready for a relationship, and that’s OK.
Because here is the Biblical expectation.
Genesis 2:24 (KJV 1900)
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
And I know that this word cleave is old and needs a definition, so the biblical definition is “to glue, to join together, to stick.”
You Can’t Cleave if you’re not Ready to Leave
Taylor thought that she loved Samson, but when presented with an opportunity to have to make a choice, Samson wasn’t her choice. Samson even tells her, “Girl I haven’t even told my parents. Why should I tell you?”
Translation, you’re second in line to my parents.
And oh let’s talk about this for just a second...
When two people get married, you hear the saying, “You don’t marry the girl, but you also marry her family.”
No you don’t.
The devil is a liar.
When you married your spouse, you married your spouse.
You did not marry her mother, her brothers, her father, or her sisters… you married her.
Now I understand the implication of this saying, and there is merit to this saying. Your spouse will never stop being a part of that family.
But not all family should be treated equally.
Some family is no good for you. Some family is no good for your children. Some family is detrimental to your children. You are under no obligation to treat that family equal to your family that is life-giving. Your family that pours into you, and doesn’t take from you.
This is where two mature people with emotions aside, and sometimes with the help of a counselor, need to sit down and get on the same page about family.
Many times I’ve had to counsel someone who said, “Pastor, t’s just that every time she is with her Mom I feel like her Mom is manipulating her.” And my answer is, “Stay away.”
And he said, “But we live with her.”
And I have to clarify, “does she live with you in your house, or do you live with her in her house?”
And when he said that they lived in her house, I told him that the only way to get his marriage back on track was to take his wife, and his kids, and move into their own place.
You do what you got to do, but you move out of that home and cleave to one another.
Now, I know that for some cultures this is a greater struggle than other cultures. I think the Hispanic culture really faces a hard time with parental expectations.
One time I was counseling with a grown man… a personal trainer… a former marine… a husband, and a father of children who were about to graduate high school and enter college. He was just a tough looking dude. And we were talking about baptism and how he wanted to get baptised but had not yet made that decision for himself. When I asked him what was holding him back he simply said, “My Mom.” All 5’2” of her kitchen apron wearing self was keeping this 6’2” GROWN MAN from taking this next step in his faith.
I tell you, Hispanic Moms… I get it… I get it...
But I also don’t.
So your responsibility is to prioritize your marriage first, then your children second, and then you can figure out who is next on the list.
But make no mistake it’s marriage first, and then children second.
Why second?
Because the goal is for then to leave. And you don’t want your kids gone and then you’re stuck with this stranger called your spouse that you put on the back burner for the last 20 years because you let the kids run the house.
No sir, no ma’am, that is not how this works.
Let me move on… we’ve got to get to more of Samson’s story...

Taylor Couldn’t be Trusted

When Taylor found out the answer to the riddle she told the Philistines and they came and won the wager with Samson. As a result Samson had to go to another town and kill 30 men so he could take their clothes and give it to the guys who won the bet. He then storms out of town, leaving behind his new bride and goes back home with his parents.
So what does Taylor do next? The most logical thing she should do.
She married his best man.
I know this feels like a bad movie now, but it’s true.
Judges 14:20 (ESV)
And Samson’s wife was given to his companion, who had been his best man.
This moment breaks Samson, and he sets the Philistine vineyards and olive orchards on fire. When the Philistines come for him, he turns into the Hulk and he singlehandedly kills the Philistines.
Now, through broken events, Samson finally does what he is created to do, he judges the Philistines.
Judges 15:20 (ESV)
And he judged Israel in the days of the Philistines twenty years.
But then we get to Judges 16… and time has passed, but Samson hasn’t healed. And Samson meets another Philistine woman whose name was Delilah and the cycle repeats itself.

Why Does This Happen?

We have created an idol out of marriage. Marriage is a gift from God, and we don’t know how to handle that gift. Marriage is the gift to two whole and healed people.
Where everyone is getting it wrong these days is people are thinking that a relationship with another person will complete them. We say things like, “you complete me,” or “you are my person.”
And that’s great for a Valentine’s Day card, but that’s not real life.
Your Person Will Compliment You, Not Complete You.
If you think you need a person to complete you, you are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone other than Jesus.
Asking a person to complete you is asking them to fill a role that only Jesus can fill.
And this is what I mean when I say that we make an idol out of relationship. Relationships and marriage was never supposed to be the place that fixes a broken person. When a person enters into a marriage with brokenness, the greater likelihood is that they will break the marriage.
This is why you don’t just see a girl or just see a boy and make a forever decision off of that. Spend sometime figuring this stuff out up front, and earlier than you think.
I was talking to a person about the woman he is dating, and I told him, “Have you thought about starting premarital counseling?”
And that caught him off guard. He said, well no we are not engaged.
I told him that this was actually the better time to start the counseling.
The last thing you want to do is get engaged to a person that you still have to unpack things with!
I know this is Pastor Josh’s hot take. But the older I get, and the more I’ve seen people struggle, the more I think the sooner they start the counseling, the better. That way if you don’t like how things are going you’ve got time to make a change and save yourselves some money in the process...

Becoming the Right Person

So what did Samson not do, that we are going to do?
Become the right person.
Instead of making a relationship with a person the goal, we are going to make our relationship with God the goal.
When we get this vertical relationship with God right, it is only then that our horizontal relationships with others will be right.
When we are devoted to God, and when we are becoming the right person, it is only then that we can bring the best of ourselves into a relationship!

Conclusion

I was reading my Bible just this morning, and Ii rad this once again. The religious leaders come to Jesus and they ask him, “Which commandment is the greatest?”
And in Matthew’s version of the account he says it this way, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your srength.”
Everyone say devotion.
If there is one thing that I hope you learned from this series, it is that we must get the object of our devotion right. When we do that first, everything else will fall into its place. When we do that right, we won’t create wrong expectations for our spouse.
Even now… I counsel people who tell me, “he just doesn’t do it for me anymore.”
And, not always, but sometimes I can tell that she is asking him to do what only God can do.
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