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Faithlife Corporation

Advice #13

Notes & Transcripts

ADVICE DAD NEVER GAVE YOU

Ralph Sorter

   A jab here a jab there…individually you can take them, but let them accumulate and it will destroy a marriage.  I’m talking about verbal boxing.

   I’ll raise you $10.  I’ll see you the $10 and I’ll raise you another $20.  You can absorb the first one, but if they keep coming it will result in marital bankruptcy.  I’m talking about verbal poker.

   By the time we mark just a couple years of marriage anniversaries, all of us have earned gold metals in marital boxing and poker.  If someone throws a jab at us, we come right back off the ropes with a jab that’s just as good, if not a little better.  When our spouse raises the intensity of the argument by a degree, we then turn around and raise it 2 degrees.  We double the jabs and double the ante because, by golly, we’re not going to be the one laying on the mat when it’s all said and done…our partner is going to kiss the canvas.

   Here’s the problem: No one wins in marriages that participate in verbal boxing and poker!  Any damage done to your partner is damage done to the marriage…and that’s where BOTH come out losers!

   Here’s the reason it happens: Pain weighed on your scales doesn’t weigh the same on my scales.  When your spouse pokes you, it feels more painful than they think it does.  You don’t think you deserved that strong of a punch, so you strike back harder…you up the ante another level.  Now they don’t think they deserved the intensity you just gave them, so they raise it a notch.  And now the whole marriage is kissing the canvas and no one is left standing to take the gold metal.

   Here’s the cure: Bite the tongue and cool the anger.  Back off just long enough to say it in such a way that you will get a positive response from your partner.  Count to ten…count to a hundred if you need to…but delay your cutting remark long enough to where it's not a jab, but a gentle cradling of their face in your hands.

A Message from HOPE’S

Marriage & Family Ministry

ADVICE DAD NEVER GAVE YOU

Ralph Sorter

   A jab here a jab there…individually you can take them, but let them accumulate and it will destroy a marriage.  I’m talking about verbal boxing.

   I’ll raise you $10.  I’ll see you the $10 and I’ll raise you another $20.  You can absorb the first one, but if they keep coming it will result in marital bankruptcy.  I’m talking about verbal poker.

   By the time we mark just a couple years of marriage anniversaries, all of us have earned gold metals in marital boxing and poker.  If someone throws a jab at us, we come right back off the ropes with a jab that’s just as good, if not a little better.  When our spouse raises the intensity of the argument by a degree, we then turn around and raise it 2 degrees.  We double the jabs and double the ante because, by golly, we’re not going to be the one laying on the mat when it’s all said and done…our partner is going to kiss the canvas.

   Here’s the problem: No one wins in marriages that participate in verbal boxing and poker!  Any damage done to your partner is damage done to the marriage…and that’s where BOTH come out losers!

   Here’s the reason it happens: Pain weighed on your scales doesn’t weigh the same on my scales.  When your spouse pokes you, it feels more painful than they think it does.  You don’t think you deserved that strong of a punch, so you strike back harder…you up the ante another level.  Now they don’t think they deserved the intensity you just gave them, so they raise it a notch.  And now the whole marriage is kissing the canvas and no one is left standing to take the gold metal.

   Here’s the cure: Bite the tongue and cool the anger.  Back off just long enough to say it in such a way that you will get a positive response from your partner.  Count to ten…count to a hundred if you need to…but delay your cutting remark long enough to where it's not a jab, but a gentle cradling of their face in your hands.

A Message from HOPE’S

Marriage & Family Ministry

ADVICE DAD NEVER GAVE YOU

Ralph Sorter

   A jab here a jab there…individually you can take them, but let them accumulate and it will destroy a marriage.  I’m talking about verbal boxing.

   I’ll raise you $10.  I’ll see you the $10 and I’ll raise you another $20.  You can absorb the first one, but if they keep coming it will result in marital bankruptcy.  I’m talking about verbal poker.

   By the time we mark just a couple years of marriage anniversaries, all of us have earned gold metals in marital boxing and poker.  If someone throws a jab at us, we come right back off the ropes with a jab that’s just as good, if not a little better.  When our spouse raises the intensity of the argument by a degree, we then turn around and raise it 2 degrees.  We double the jabs and double the ante because, by golly, we’re not going to be the one laying on the mat when it’s all said and done…our partner is going to kiss the canvas.

   Here’s the problem: No one wins in marriages that participate in verbal boxing and poker!  Any damage done to your partner is damage done to the marriage…and that’s where BOTH come out losers!

   Here’s the reason it happens: Pain weighed on your scales doesn’t weigh the same on my scales.  When your spouse pokes you, it feels more painful than they think it does.  You don’t think you deserved that strong of a punch, so you strike back harder…you up the ante another level.  Now they don’t think they deserved the intensity you just gave them, so they raise it a notch.  And now the whole marriage is kissing the canvas and no one is left standing to take the gold metal.

   Here’s the cure: Bite the tongue and cool the anger.  Back off just long enough to say it in such a way that you will get a positive response from your partner.  Count to ten…count to a hundred if you need to…but delay your cutting remark long enough to where it's not a jab, but a gentle cradling of their face in your hands.

A Message from HOPE’S

Marriage & Family Ministry

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