Introduction*

Today, it should be quite apparent that the institution of marriage and the family are in severe trouble. Statistics from recent studies show an ever-increasing number of unhappy couples, partners separating with great ease, and a divorce rate that should alarm all who are concerned with the survival of the traditional family. Husbands and wives must turn back to the timeless truths revealed in God's Word, because it is their only hope for achieving the intimacy and companionship that will cause their marriage to thrive.

However, how will those couples who are struggling and in crisis within their relationship be restored? Will they be left to their own devices? I believe that there is a great need for wise and gifted counselors who can communicate God's life-giving truths and guide couples to their desired goal. Without a sensitive and informed counselor many couples sink in the quicksand of their struggles because they simply do not know how to resolve the issues that divide them. Jesus said that He came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free through the preaching of the truth (Luke 4:18). A marriage counselor is simply one who shows a couple how to apply God's delivering truth to the specific needs of their marriage, thus enabling them to behave in a manner that restores harmony to their relationship.

It is my hope that this material will be an encouragement to you as a counselor and better equip you to communicate God's powerful truth to His people. I am absolutely sure that the Father wants to use you as His instrument to restore many marriages. He created marriage and He knows how it works best. Trust His truth and communicate His truth to strengthen the weak and feeble-hearted who are ready to give up.

To be equipped to truly help couples you must first learn how to discern their problems and provide the solutions that God has given us in His Word. Solomon encouraged, "The heart of the righteous studies how to answer" (Proverbs 15:28). The material you are about to study is designed to help you prepare yourself to answer those hard questions and untangle the chaos that conies from living far from Him. You will leam how to formulate a plan for ministering to couples and practical strategies for handling both crisis situations as well as weekly counseling sessions. May God use you to help many couples!

I would like to give a special word of thanks to my wife Susan, Dave Knoch, Barbara Laney, Chris Odell, and Mark Folkrod for their many hours of editing, design, and labor on all the peripherals associated with this material. May God credit to each of your accounts the fruit that results from the use of this manual. You are all a great blessing to me.

Table of Contents

Section One General Counseling

What is Biblical Counseling?........................................................................................               1

Why is Counseling So Important?...............................................................................                2

Should You Counsel?.....................................................................................................               2

What Alternatives Do You Have to Biblical Counseling?........................................               3

Psychology vs. The Bible.......................................................................................................... 3-5

Is There Any Truth in Secular Psychology?...............................................................                5

Why Can't You Mix Secular Psychology with Biblical Truth?................................               5

How Can You Be Competent and Qualified to Give Counsel to Another?............            6-7

What Qualities Do You Need to Really Help Someone?..........................................            7-9

Why You Can't Do Ongoing Counseling with An Unbeliever.......................................... 9-10

What is the Basis of Your Counseling?.................................................................................... 11

Key Elements of Biblical Counseling..........................................................................        11-15

Setting Goals and Objectives........................................................................................        15-17

Stumbling Blocks to Change.........................................................................................        17-20

Section Two Marital Counseling

Dealing with Crisis Situations.......................................................................................            1-2

Steps in Ongoing Marriage Counseling.......................................................................           2-12

Book List.........................................................................................................................              12

Companionship Worksheet.................................................................................................. 13-14

How to Resolve Conflicts Worksheet................................................................................. 15-16

Solving Conflicts Diagram......................................................................................................... 17

What Hinders Conflict Resolution Study Resource............................................................... 18

Solving Your Conflict Worksheet................................................................................              19

Identifying Communication Road Blocks Worksheet..............................................         20-22

How to Love in a Biblical Way Study Resource............................................................... 23-24

Growing Together in Your Marriage Study Resource...................................................... 25-43

Section Three Pre-Marital Counseling

The Importance of Pre-Marital Counseling...............................................................             1-2

Is This Person the One?............................................................................................................... 2

Steps in Pre-Marital Counseling............................................................................................. 2-7

Special Issues for Additional Sessions......................................................................                7

Marriage and Family Book-list............................................................................................... 7-8

Follow-up Sessions After the Wedding.................................................................................... 8

Issues to Consider Before Choosing a Mate Study Resource.................................          9-12

Pre-Marital Counseling Worksheets...........................................................................        13-35

Section Four Counseling Resources

God's Method For Change Study Resource.................................................................            1-2

How to Deal with Anger Study Resource....................................................................             3-6

Guilt Over the Past Study Resource.............................................................................            7-9

How to Control Your Thoughts and Feelings Study Resource.................................        10-12

How to Deal with Depression Study Resource...........................................................         13-15

Grief and Sorrow Study Resource................................................................................              16

Understanding How to Blend a Family Study Resource...........................................        17-22

What Should You Do When Your Spouse Walks Out the Door Study Resource.         23-26

Understanding Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage..................................................         27-33

Romans Study Guides....................................................................................................         34-60

Section Five Counseling Forms

Marital Counseling Intake Form.............................................................................................. 1-6

Pre-Marital Counseling Intake Form............................................................................        7-10

COUNSELING COUPLES IN CRISIS

General Counseling Principles I.   I.    What is Biblical Counseling?

A. Biblical counseling is advice, warning, encouragement, and instruction based on
Scripture alone.

Biblical counsel always begins with a Scriptural principle, which is then applied as a directive to a person's individual life, as opposed to beginning with advice from your life experience, the counsel of a psychologist, or a recent behavioral study. These may have some truth or insight that might be beneficial, but they should not be your starting point to guide a person's life. When Jesus counseled people He would ask, "Did you never read in the Scriptures” (Matt. 21:42). See also: Matt. 22:29; Luke 4:21; Luke 24:45. When Paul counseled he would pose the question, "What does the Scripture say? " (Rom. 4:3). In addition, notice Philip's example as he was divinely used to lead the Ethiopian eunuch to Christ. "Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning at this Scripture, preached Jesus to him " (Acts 8:35). If you desire to be used of God to guide others to the truth, you must begin with the Scripture and always keep the Scripture as your ultimate standard of truth.

B.  Biblical counseling is motivated by what Scripture requires.

Example: Scripture requires Christians to forgive and be reconciled with those that have offended them. Therefore, to be a biblical counselor you must be moti­vated to encourage people to forgive and reconcile with others. This is the very action that Paul took in his ministry (2 Cor. 5:18-20).

C.  Biblical counseling will give reasons and examples for the warning or encouragement

it gives.

Example: After encouraging people to forgive and they still refuse to obey God's Word, you would then give them reasons to obey these commands based also on Scripture. Some possible reasons would be as follows: If people refuse to forgive, you would explain to them that neither will the Father forgive them (Mark 11:26). The Christian is to forgive on the same basis that he has been forgiven (Eph. 4:32). Jesus gives the best example and reason for forgiving those who have harmed you from the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). Forgiveness must be granted because sin blinds a person to the reality of what he or she is doing and the affect it has on others (2 Cor. 4:4).

D. Biblical counseling will explain the goals and objectives for any command of Scrip­
ture.

Example: When a Christian forgives and reconciles he has gained his brother again and their relationship is restored (Matt. 18:15). In addition, this obedience to the command to reconcile will glorify the Lord by demonstrating Christian love (ICor. 10:31).

E. Biblical counseling will explain how to fulfill a Biblical requirement.

Example: You must explain how to forgive another person. Forgiveness is a choice made by a person's will. It has nothing to do with the way a person feels. Jesus said a person must choose to forgive, "from the heart" (Matt. 18:35). There­fore, forgiveness must be granted in spite of how a person feels. When Jesus commanded, "if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, " He obviously believed that forgiveness was possible for anyone and for anything (Mark 11:25). Consequently, making a choice to obey God's command will always result in for­giveness.

II.   Why is Counseling So Important?

A. Without counsel some people will fall. They may be overcome by their sins, circum-

stances, and feelings (Prov. 11:14).

B.  Without counsel a person's plans, hopes, and goals may be frustrated due to discour-

agement, confusion, or the lack of practical help (Prov. 15:22).

C.  Jesus dealt with people many times on a personal and individual basis. He didn't just

depend on His sermons to the multitudes. He also sought out people, one-on-one, to minister to them (John 4:7; Luke 19:1-10; Luke 15:4; John 21:15). If Jesus saw the need to counsel and minister to people individually, shouldn't you follow His exam­ple?

III. Should You Counsel?

God calls every Christian to counsel someone, somewhere, at some time. Scripture commands you to minister to others with the gifts He has given to you (1 Peter 4:10-11).

A. You are called to restore a person that has been overtaken in a trespass (Gal. 6:1). The
word restore means to mend, repair, and bring back to former usefulness. Notice Paul
declared that this is what truly spiritual men and women do. If you're walking in the
Spirit, God will use you to restore others.

B. Paul was confident in the Roman church that they were filled with the knowledge to
admonish one another. The word admonish means to warn, caution, or gently reprove
(Rom. 15:14). If you possess the knowledge of His Word, then you also are able to
admonish and counsel others. See also Col. 3:16.

C. God will also specifically gift some Christians to fulfill a larger counseling ministry.
In Romans 12:8, Paul declares that some individuals are gifted to exhort. The word
exhort has the same root meaning as the "Comforter" found in John 14:16. He is our
helper, counselor, and advocate. Therefore counseling is a gift of the Holy Spirit. Is
this your gift?

D. Some are appointed to counsel by the fact of their calling and ministry. Pastors, as un-

der-shepherds, are called to preach, teach, exhort, convince, and rebuke using the Word of God (2 Tim. 4:2). They are to follow the example of the Great Shepherd of the sheep. Paul wanted to warn and teach men that he might present them mature in Christ Jesus (Col. 1:28). Elders within the church today are also commissioned to this

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ministry. They are called to oversee the church of God and minister to the needs of the flock, using sound doctrine, able to teach, exhort, and convict those who contra­dict (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 1:9). If you are a pastor or elder in the church, you are defi­nitely called to this ministry.

IV. What Alternatives do You have to Biblical Counseling?

A. The counsel of the ungodly (Ps 1:1).

B. The philosophies and traditions of men (Col. 2:8).

C. The ideas and opinions of your own heart (Jer. 23:16).

V. Psychology vs. the Bible The Psychologists Say... Sigmund Freud

Man: He is not responsible for his actions. He is a victim of other people in society. He bat­tles past hurtful experiences in childhood. He is sick. Man is a selfish being with self-gratifying animal drives.

Source of his problem: He struggles between his normal desires for sex and aggression (id) and his conscience (superego), which his overly strict (mother/church) has created. He represses this deep inner struggle over what he feels and what society says is right. This man is poorly socialized. Freud believed that any belief in God was proof of a mental disorder.

Treatment: Freud wanted to bring the id, ego, and superego into harmony with one another. He believed this could be done by taking the person back through his past to relive it through hypnosis, dream analysis, and free as­sociation. This will allow the counselor to re­structure the counselee's value system and re­lieve his conscience. He would then be re-socialized.

The Bible Savs...

Man: He is responsible for his sin. Yet, man wants to shift the blame to God, others, or Sa­tan as Adam and Eve did. See: Gen. 3:12-13; Ez. 18:20; Gal. 6:5; Prov. 9:12.

Source of his problem: Man is a sinner by na­
ture and seeks to live selfishly to fulfill the
lusts of his flesh and mind. Man is dead spiri­
tually. Man's inner conflict is between his sin­
ful nature and the moral law of God. See: Rom.
5:12; Eph. 2:1-3; Rom. 7:14-25.           t

Treatment: Man needs more than a restructure of his values. He needs a new nature and a conscience cleansed by the blood of Christ. Redemption is God's treatment for the root problems of man's sin. See: Titus 2:11-3:5. Man can't change his past. He must stop looking back, and re-focus his attention on the present, receive Christ, and be filled with the Holy Spirit who sets him free from his inner struggles (Rom. 8:1-2).

carl rogers

Man: Man is not a sinner, he is essentially good. Man has all the resources he needs within himself to solve his own problems. The self-esteem movement began with Carl Rogers.

Man: He is essentially sinful, selfish, and cor­rupt. He cannot save himself or solve his moral problems apart from obedience to God and His Word. See: Prov. 30:12; Rom. 3:10-13.

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Source of his problems: Man has failed to re­alize his full potential as a human being. He hasn't done what he personally values most. He doesn't see his personal worth and has little or no self-esteem.

Treatment: The client must solve his own problems. The counselor repeats and restates the client's feelings and thoughts to help him find his own answers. The counselor never tells his clients what is right or wrong or what to do.

Source of his problems: Man has failed to come to Jesus Christ that he might have real life. See: John 5:40. Man has not esteemed Jesus to have any worth or meaning for his life, and so loses all meaning and purpose for his own existence. This was Solomon's perception after he had departed from the Lord. See: Ecc. 2:1-23.

Treatment: A man must be born again and be­come obedient to the Word of God. He must be instructed from Scripture as to what God re­quires of him and not left to lean to his own understanding. Man's values must be recon­structed to be in harmony with God's standards (Is. 55:6-9; Mark 1:15).

B.F. Skinner

Man: Man is just an animal. He is conditioned to act the way he does. He is a product of his environment and not responsible for his be­havior..

Source of his problems: Man has not been trained properly. His behavior is conditioned by his bad environment. It's society's fault.

Treatment: Man must be retrained. His envi­ronment must be rearranged to reprogram his responses through rewards and punishments.

Man: Man has been created in the image and likeness of God. He has the mental, moral, and spiritual capacity for fellowship with God and is therefore more than an animal. He has the capacity for obedience to the will of God be­cause of his ability to make moral choices. He also was created to have dominion over the animals. See: Gen. 1:26-27; 2:15-20.

Source of his problems: He is controlled by sin and fallen short of the glory of God. See: Rom. 7:14-18; Rom. 3:23. Man's sinful nature is the fundamental reason for his bad behavior.

Treatment: Same as above, he must be born again. He must receive a new nature to enable him to live a new way because his environment will remain the same until Christ comes again.

new age mysticism

Man: Man is inherently good. He is a spiritual being; he is a god in his own universe.

Source of his problems: He is not in touch with his true nature as a god. He has relied on ob­jective truth and not his experience.

Treatment: Reject the objective truth of the Bi­ble. See that all religions are one. Realize your true potential as a god. Your experience is all-important.

Man: He is a spiritual being created by God, yet he is not a god. He will die like all other created beings. See: Ps. 49:12; Ps. 103:14-16

Source of his problems: He has failed to ac­knowledge his sin and his need for a Savior. He has rejected the objective truth of God's Word. See: Luke 18:9-13; Rom. 1:25.

Treatment: Acknowledge your sin and receive Jesus Christ as the Way, Truth, and Life. See: John 14:6. Man must bring his feelings, thoughts, and experience into obedience to the objective truth of God's Word.

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VI.      Is There Any Truth in Secular Psychology?

Yes! This is why psychology is so widely accepted in the world today. Psychologists can make valid observations of human behavior. However, their interpretation and application of these observations are many times not biblical and result in ungodly counsel. Psychologists have ob-served certain truths about man, but these truths are distorted because of man's rebellion against God and blindness to His truth.

A.  Is there any truth to Freud's teaching? Yes.

1. People do have great influence upon our lives, for good and evil (1 Cor. 15:33;
Prov. 12:26). However, people from the past are not to blame for my life
struggles today. I have responsibility for my choices today.

2.     People do struggle with their conscience (1 Tim. 1:5; 1 Tim. 1:18-19). How-
ever, a person's conscience can be cleansed by the blood of Christ. Therefore,
the cleansing work of Christ alleviates the need for psychoanalysis and hypno-
sis.

B.  Is there any truth in Rogers' teaching? Yes.

1. He wanted to make people responsible for their personal decisions (Rom. 14:5).
However, these choices must be in harmony with God's Word.

2.     Counselors must be good listeners (Prov. 18:13). However, counselors also
must teach and encourage their counselees to take Biblical action.

C.  Is there any truth in Skinner's teaching? Yes.

1. Changing your environment does help to change your behavior (Prov. 5:8;
Prov. 22:24-25). However, you also need a change of nature and to be filled
with the Holy Spirit.                                                                                     *

2.     Rewards and punishment for a person's behavior is Biblical (Matt. 6:4; Matt.
7:1-2). However, a man needs a change of nature to fully change his behavior.

VII.    Why Can't You Mix Secular Psychology with Biblical Truth?

A. You cannot mix secular psychology into your counseling because the basic beliefs
about man are contradictory to Biblical truth. Freud believed that men were not re-­
sponsible for their actions because they were sick. Rogers believed that men are not
sinners, but essentially good. Skinner believed that men were just animals with a bad
environment. These beliefs can never be harmonized with the teaching of Scripture.

B. If you did try to mix human beliefs with divine truth, you would be adding to or taking
away from the teachings of Scripture (Deut. 4:2; Prov. 30:5-6; Rev. 22:18-19).

C. If you try to mix human beliefs with God's Word, you will misrepresent the Lord Je­
sus Christ.

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VIII. How Can You be Competent and Qualified to Give Counsel to Another?

A. First, make God your sufficiency. When Paul considered the enormous responsibility
of his own ministry he asked, "Who is sufficient for these things?" (2 Cor. 2:14-16).
The word sufficient means to have ability or competence. Notice what Paul thought of
himself. "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as being from our­
selves, but our sufficiency is of God" (2 Cor. 3:5). Even the great apostle didn't con­
sider himself competent or able for the task God had given him. However, in faith Paul
acknowledged God to be sufficient and that the Father would make him sufficient as a
minister of the New Covenant (2 Cor. 3:6). The responsibility of counseling others is
enormous. But, God will make you able and competent if you acknowledge your
weakness and His sufficient grace (2 Cor. 12:9).

B. Use God's sufficient Word.

1. The Word of God is able to make you complete and to thoroughly equip you
for every good work (2 Tim. 3:16-17). The word complete means to make ade­
quate and sufficient. God's Word makes you adequate and equipped for every
good work and every counseling situation.

2.    Scripture also provides insight and instruction for "all things that pertain to life
and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). The Scriptures are man's textbook for life. They
impart all that is necessary for a successful and godly life. If you will use the

*                    Word of God in your counseling, it will make you adequate to speak authorita-

tively to the problem before you. Furthermore, those whom you counsel will also discover how adequate God's Word is to solve their problems.

3. If you speak or minister to someone, God commands you to speak only as the
"oracles of God" speak (1 Peter 4:11). The oracles of God refer to the utter­
ances of God or His Word. If you declare yourself to be a biblical counselor,
then you can only counsel and speak what God has spoken. Otherwise, you are
misrepresenting God, and adding to or taking away from His Word. There are
strong warnings against taking this action (Deut. 4:2; Prov. 30:6; Rev. 22:18-
19).

C. You must continually examine yourself to be sure you are doing what you tell others
to do.

1. Jesus said you must personally examine your own heart before you ever speak
to anyone concerning their faults (Matt. 7:5).

2.    This self-examination keeps you from hypocrisy (Matt. 7:5). Jesus said this was
the error of the Pharisees, "They say, and do not do" (Matt. 23:3,13).

3.    When you teach or counsel someone, you will always be teaching and coun­
seling yourself (Rom. 2:21-22). If you counsel a person not to do something,
do you do it? If you counsel someone to take a specific action, you must ex­
amine your own life to determine if you are behaving this way.

4.    Honestly examine yourself.

a. Do you have a daily devotional plan to seek God in His Word and do you wait upon Him in prayer to obtain His strength for your life (Matt. 7:7; Acts 17:11; John 8:31)?

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b. Is Jesus Christ, His kingdom, and obtaining His Righteousness the first
priority of your life (Matt. 6:33)?

c. Do you love the Lord more than anyone or anything (Matt. 22:37; Matt.
10:37)?

d. Are you daily denying yourself and your selfish desires to follow Him
in service to others (Luke 9:23) (John 12:26)?

e. Are you putting off the old man and putting on the new man (Col. 3:5-
14)? Are you adding to your faith virtue, self-control, perseverance, and
godliness (2 Pet. 1:5-10)? Peter declared that if you are growing in this
manner, you will never fall in your own walk. There is nothing more
devastating to a counselor's ministry than for him to fall after he has
taught others. This would disqualify him from ministry and would stum­
ble those he has counseled. This is why personal growth is such a fun­
damental qualification for an effective counseling ministry!

f. If these issues are not a part of your Christian walk today, stop now and
humbly ask God to develop maturity in those areas where you are strug­
gling.

IX.      What Qualities Do You Need To Really Help Someone?

A. Compassion versus doing good deeds. Compassion is what moved Jesus to help suf­
fering people (Mark 1:41; Mark 6:34). The word compassion means to feel inward af­
fection, tender mercy, pity, or sympathy. Compassion is also what motivated Paul the
Apostle (2 Cor. 5:14). The compassion of God must motivate you too!

B.  Gentleness versus being argumentative and quarrelsome. In 2 Timothy 2:24-25, Paul
warns Timothy that if he wanted to really help someone he must not strive or be quar­
relsome with people. He needed gentleness and patience as he instructed people with
biblical truth. This doesn't mean that we can't disagree with someone. Even Pau^ex-
plains in the next verse how to correct someone. He instructs us to do it with humility.
A humble attitude enables people to receive what you have to say. Therefore, your at­
titude will either help or greatly hinder your counseling ministry.

C.  Boldness and confidence in your message versus being timid and uninformed. You
can be meek and gentle and yet bold and confident at the same time. Jesus clearly
demonstrated both as He ministered. The apostles ministered in the same manner (Acts
4:13; Acts 4:31). Boldness is primarily a fruit of the Holy Spirit filling your life. In
addition, boldness and confidence are a result of your conviction that the words you
speak are God's words (Acts 4:19-20).

D. Actions versus just words. Jesus gives a clear picture of this as He teaches on what it
means to love your neighbor (Luke 10:33-34). The Good Samaritan loved with action.
At times, counseling will require you to get involved in actually helping someone to
do what you've counseled them to do.

E.  Listening versus dominating the conversation. This is a basic rule in good communi­
cation. James taught that you must be more ready to hear than to speak (James 1:19). It
is essential that you hear the whole matter and gather as much information as possible
before you give any counsel (Prov. 18:13). Your counsel will be much less effective if
you are prone to giving long lectures without giving a person an opportunity to re­
spond, disagree, or ask questions.

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F.  Asking good questions versus allowing your counselees to dominate the conversation.
It is essential for you to ask good questions so that you may obtain all the information
needed to give the correct counsel. When a counselee answers your questions, make
sure you don't allow them to be vague or hypothetical without giving you specifics. If
this occurs, ask more questions to get all the details. Don't allow people to talk in gen­
eralities and ramble on and on about things that aren't relevant to the issue at hand.
Notice how Jesus uses questions to get to the point He desired to make (Matt. 22:41-
45).

G. Giving factual information and biblical counsel versus something you've heard or
your own ideas. Many times when someone comes for counseling, they are confused
because they have been listening to many people's opinions. You must not give them
one more opinion. You must give them factual information on all their options and the
consequences of each. Most of all, you must give them counsel based on the Word of
God. Where God speaks, you may speak. Where God is silent, you must encourage
good decision-making based on biblical principles and obedience to their own con­
science.

H. Taking notes while counseling. To truly help an individual you need to be able to re­member what he or she has said to you and what you have given as counsel over the entire counseling relationship. Don't depend on your memory. This is especially im­portant if you are counseling many different individuals or couples. In your notes, keep a list of issues that you've covered, a person's verbal responses, whether or not there was obedience to your counsel, your thoughts as to the progress of the counsel­ing, and a list of topics for the future direction of your counseling. Review your notes

     each time before you counsel and plan what issues you want to address or revisit. It is best to write out your agenda before each counseling session.

I. Be confidential.

1. Confidentiality is essential for an effective and long-term counseling relation­
ship. People want to be assured that their life history and present problems
won't be spread all over town. The Bible is clear on this topic (Prov. 11:13).

2.     However, there are exceptions to this rule.

a.  When there is a crime such as murder, rape, or incest disclosed to you.
This is not only an offence against God and His Word, but these actions
are a violation of the laws of the land. You should first encourage the per­
son to make a personal confession to God and then to the authorities. If
this person refuses to confess and take responsibility for his or her actions,
you must report it (Lev. 20:1-5; Deut. 13:6-8).

b. When a person threatens to commit a crime you should take this to the
authorities if the person is unrepentant (Acts 23:12-22). See also (Acts
5:1-11) Notice that Sapphira was judged because she knew and concealed
the same lie as her husband.

c.  When you are uncertain of how to address a particular problem, and you

need to seek advice from another pastor or elder in the church (Prov. 15:22).

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d. When a counselee attends another church and it is necessary to talk with
his or her pastor or elders because the problem is not resolved.

e.  When a person persistently refuses to renounce a particular sin and it be­
comes necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to encour­
age repentance and reconciliation (Matthew 18:15-20).

Confidentiality is an important aspect of the counseling process, therefore, you must assure a counselee that you will carefully guard the information that is entrusted to you. Explain that you strongly prefer not to disclose personal information to others, and that you will make every effort to find ways to resolve this problem as privately as possible. However, it is best that each person you counsel knows your complete policy on confidentiality.

X.       Why You Can't Do Ongoing Counseling With An Unbeliever.

A. An unbeliever cannot understand the Scriptures (1 Cor. 2:14). They are blinded to
spiritual truth and therefore can't comprehend or apply these truths to their lives (2
Cor. 4:4; 1 John. 2:11).

B.  Even if they could understand the Scriptures, they don't have the power of the Holy
Spirit to enable them to obey what you tell them (Phil. 1:6; Phil. 2:13; Rom. 5:6).

C.  Unless the regenerating power of the Spirit is given to them, they can't love God or
their neighbor (Rom. 5:5). These are the two basic commands in the Scripture (Matt.
22:37-40).

Clearly then, if you are to see any real change take place in an unbeliever's life, his or her heart must be changed. All evil comes out of the heart of man (Matt. 15:19-20). Tljey must believe in their heart and confess with their mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord (Rom. 10:9-10). This is the only way any change can occur in a person's life.

D. What would happen if you tried to counsel an unbeliever?

1. You would be encouraging mere outward conformity to biblical truths. This
would be encouraging hypocrisy.

2.     You would be setting this person up for another fall because outward change
will never solve a person's real problems.

3.     You would be misrepresenting God and what pleases Him by substituting hu­
man reformation for true spiritual conversion.

E.  How can you lovingly handle people who come seeking help who are unconverted?
How do you bring them to the realization of their need and your dilemma?

1. First, listen to them fully. Ask as many questions as you can. This will enable
you to fully understand their problem. Then begin to evangelize them.

2.    Assure them that they have a serious problem and that you would love to help
them and that there are answers to their problems. Assure them that God wants
to help them too.

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3.     However, all the answers they need for their problems are on the other side of a
wall that separates them from God. They are prevented from receiving God's
help because they are separated from Him and His power because of their re­
bellion and independence from Him.

4.     They must first pass through a door in the wall that separates them from God's
help. That door is Jesus Christ (John 10:7-9).

5.     Explain to them that their primary problem is that they have been living inde­
pendent of God and disobeying His commands which has resulted in the prob­
lems they are experiencing. Then encourage them that they must first reconcile
with God and ask His forgiveness, which will enable them to experience God's
power to live according to His Word. I have personally led many individuals to
Christ in this manner.

6.     Make sure at this point that they truly come to real repentance and that they
truly believe in what Christ has done for them. Ask them if they believe they
have sinned and that Jesus died for their sins. Are they willing to ask for His
forgiveness right now and receive Him personally by calling upon Him in
prayer?

7.     If they refuse to receive Christ you must tell them you would be misrepresent­
ing Christ if you tried to counsel them. Remind them that going through the
door will always be the first step you will share with them. All the answers are
waiting for them if they are willing to respond to Christ. God is waiting to help
them! Try to continue sharing Christ with them.

8.     Then, concentrate on sharing with them the difficulty you had when you tried
to live independent of God. Relate the ultimate decision you finally had to
make to see God's transformation in your life. Leave them with Prov. 13:15b,
"The way of the transgressor is hard" and Matt. 11:30 "My yoke is easy and
My burden is light."

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THE COUNSELING PROCESS

I.        What is the Basis of Your Counsel?

A. What do you believe?

1. What you believe the Bible teaches is exactly what you will counsel others to
believe and do. Consequently, your counsel will only be as good as your un­
derstanding of theology and the way these truths should be applied in your life
(2 Cor. 4:13-14).

2.     Therefore, you must study Scripture in order to have a competent grasp of all
fundamental doctrines. If you don't know what the Bible teaches or incorrectly
understand what it teaches, you cannot give good biblical counsel. What are
the fundamental teachings that you must understand?

*       God: His nature, character, attributes, the trinity, His holiness and
power.

*       Jesus: His deity, character, attributes, sonship, humanity, substitution-
ary death and resurrection.

*       Holy Spirit: His deity, character, attributes, personality, work with
man, work with the church and His gifts.

*       Man: His original state and his condition after the fall.

*       Salvation: How is a person saved, what is repentance, how do you
grow in faith, how is a person justified and sanctified, discipleship, and
how growth and change take place.

*       The Church: Its purpose, structure, government and responsibility to
God, and the position of believers in this world.

4   Satan: His nature, personality, power, deception and final destiny.

*    Angels: Their nature, power and work in the world and toward believ­
ers.

4   Final Judgment: The Second Coming of Christ, the basis of judgment of unbelievers and believers.

II.       Key Elements of Biblical Counseling.

A. You must first recognize Who is the real Counselor.

1. Jesus is the Mighty Counselor (Is. 9:6). To be an effective counselor you must
believe and privately acknowledge this truth to Him before you counsel any­
one. When you pray in this manner it is an acknowledgment of your humility,
dependence, and faith in Him. You are laboring together with God, not inde­
pendent of Him (1 Cor. 3:9; Matt. 18:20).

2.    The Holy Spirit is your helper to guide and teach you what to say (John 14:16)
(John 16:13). He will anoint you to counsel others if you will continually ac­
knowledge Him (1 John 2:27). You will never be alone in the counseling ses­
sion, if you will ask for His help. When you struggle with how to answer a per­
son, ask the Spirit to counsel you!

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B.  You must determine all the facts of any given problem.

Before you can give effective counsel, you must first fully understand a person's problem. You do this by asking many personal and specific questions. There are two ways of questioning someone.

1. Systematic questioning: When a person declares that he is depressed and does­
n't know why, you would systematically ask about how his life is in general:
job, home life, financial status, marriage, and spiritual walk. You're taking a
general inventory of this person's life. This will enable you to look for areas of
fearfulness, resentment, or issues where his or her conscience is being violated.

2.     Specific questioning: When a person declares he has had a conflict at their
place of employment and wants counsel concerning how to resolve it, you
would ask very specific questions concerning the situation itself. You would
ask questions such as:

a. What happened?

b. Who was involved?

c. What did you say and do?

d. What did the other person say and do?

e. How often has this happened?

f.  What was your motive?

g. Why did you want to talk about this today?

h. How do you want me to help you?

«

3. Also, you may have to ask other witnesses. Obtaining witnesses is also a bibli­
cal method to obtain the facts and establish the truth of any given problem
(Deut. 19:15; Matt. 18:16).

C.  You must now interpret the facts.

You have listened to a person describe the problem. You have asked many questions to fully understand what has occurred. Now you must determine what all these facts mean.

1. First, identify the source of the problem. There are three main problem areas.

a.  Spiritual and moral problems: These are issues of personal sin, bitter­
ness, guilt, crimes of any kind, sexual sins, envy, broken relationships,
marital conflicts, or general disobedience to the Word of God.

b. Spiritual warfare and demonic problems: These would entail Satan's
lies, condemnation, temptation, discouragement, and very rarely demon
possession (in a non-Christian only).

A Christian can never be demon-possessed, no matter what you see or hear. The Scripture is clear on this fact (2 Cor. 6:14-16; 1 John 5:18; Col. 1:13).

c.  Physical illness: The Bible declares we are body, soul, and spirit (1
Thess. 5:23). Therefore, you must always consider how each area will
affect the other. When someone tells you that they have lost conscious­
ness, have had sleep loss, dramatic weight loss or some other physical
problem, refer them for a medical check-up. There are many organic

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problems such as: hormonal problems, neurological problems, brain damage from injury during an accident, and hereditary problems.

2. Now, determine how God views the identified problem.

•                                                  You must determine whether your listener's beliefs or actions violate God's

Word and what God declares should be done about the problem. Be careful to use biblical concepts and terms to describe a person's actions. Example:

a. Is compulsive drinking a disease or is it called drunkenness and a work
of the flesh in Scripture (1 Cor. 6:9-10; Gal. 5:19-21)?

b. Is homosexuality an alternative lifestyle or an unnatural and shameful
activity that must be repented of (Rom. 1:24-28)?

c. Is abortion the right of a woman over her own body or the destruction of
a human life which displeases God (Deut. 12:31; Ps. 106:38)?

3. An important key in finding the source of a person's problem:

When you have difficulty determining what is causing a person to act the way they are, or you want to understand what is hindering them from resolving the problem, ask the person this question: "When did this problem first begin?" Usually, the hindrance in resolving a problem will be found at the source of the problem. Therefore, glean as much information as possible about the people involved, all the circumstances surrounding the event or people involved, and whether there is bitterness or guilt concerning any behavior associated with the problem.

D. Next, you must apply God's Word giving specific instructions for change.

*

1. Begin with the most obvious violations to God's Word and work forward from
there. Notice how Jesus did this with the woman at the well; her need for the
Water of Life, the five previous marriages, the present man she was living
with, and her lack of understanding of the nature of God (John 4:17-18). Ni-
codemus' need to be born again which would have then enabled him to under­
stand who Jesus was, God's love for him, and the consequences of rejecting
this love (John 3:3). A complete change in a person's life takes time. There is a
lot of work to do along the way.

2.    Lay out the biblical requirements.

a. Clearly lay out what God says about your counselee's problems and
what He commands them to do.

b. Balance what God has promised to do with an individual's personal re­
sponsibility (Phil. 2:12-13).

c. The Word is your ultimate authority (1 Peter 4:11).

3. These biblical changes must occur in all areas of a person's life.

a. Reordering priorities (Matt. 6:33; Rev. 2:4-5; Phil. 3:7-11).

b. Forgiveness and reconciliation (Matt. 18:15; Matt. 5:23-24).

c.  Scheduling and ordering time (1 Cor. 14:33,40). Depressed individuals
and those who procrastinate need much help in this area.

d. Spiritual commitment (Rom. 12:1-2; Rom. 6:12; Rom. 6:19).

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e. Personal discipline (1 Tim. 4:7; 2 Tim. 1:7).

4. Help them to identify what pleases God.

* Not what pleases them or others, but God (1 Thess. 2:4; 1 John 3:22). This is fundamental to bring lasting change to any life.

5. Give them a step-by-step plan for doing what you've told them to do (Matt.

10:5-15). Notice the step-by-step plan given in this text. The disciples are even given the words to say.

6.     Clarify the obstacles they will experience in carrying out this plan (Matt. 10:16-
31). People need to know that sometimes things won't work out like they want.
Sometimes other people will refuse to do what is right (Matt. 18:15-17).

7.     Encourage them with the rewards and the results of obedience to God (Matt.
10:32-42).

a.  You will be confessed and acknowledged by the Father (vs. 32).

b. You will be blessed by God and find His life (vs. 39).

c.  You will be rewarded (vs. 41-42).

8. Review your counsel and give further instruction when they return to report
what has happened (Luke 10:17-21).

a. Listen to and evaluate their report (vs. 17).

b. Warn individuals against pride or discouragement, depending on suc­
cess or failure they report (vs. 18-20).

c. Further instruct them (vs. 20).

d. Rejoice over the results (vs. 21).

9. What should you do when the Scripture doesn't specifically cover the problem
presented to you?

a. You must find passages of Scripture that have a similar intent and
meaning. Apply these to their current problem.

b. Example: Should ministers of the Gospel be paid? Paul used the Old
Testament principles of the Temple priests receiving a portion of the
people's offerings as an example for supporting ministers (1 Cor. 9:13-
14). In addition, Paul used the principle of God providing for the oxen
that plowed the fields (1 Cor. 9:8-9). Paul also used the principle of
common sense. He showed that the soldier, farmer, and shepherd all re­
ceived provision while they labored for others (1 Cor. 9:6-7).

c. Use your own life as an example. There is a difference between per­
sonal opinions based on the philosophy of men and personal examples
based upon biblical principles. Notice that Paul uses himself as an ex­
ample to follow concerning the godly principles he teaches. "Finally,
brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever
things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,
whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is
anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you

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learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you " (Phil. 4:8-9). See also 1 Corinthians 4:6.

E. Follow up and challenge to full commitment.

When you have counseled people and given them information and instruction, this calls for action on their part. Talking about a problem is not enough; there must be a new way of living, and they must be fully committed to this goal. In the follow up appointments:

1. Encourage them not to go back to old habits, but to diligently continue to grow
in the Lord (2 Peter 1:5-11). Notice that this was the purpose of Peter's follow-
up letter to the Church.

2.     There may be still some issues from the initial problem that they will continue
to struggle with. During this follow up appointment, exhort, reprove, and in­
struct to enable biblical obedience. God wants to conform them completely
into the image of Christ. Everything must be surrendered to His Lordship (2
Cor. 3:18).

3.     Make sure the counselee is fully integrated into a local church where further in­
struction in the Word can be given (Heb. 10:25).

4.     Encourage them to the discipline of counseling themselves during their own
devotional time. David did this while he waited on God in prayer (Ps. 42:5-
11). This is a sign of true spiritual growth and maturity. "Meditate on these
things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all.
Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this
you will both save yourself and those who hear you " (1 Tim. 4:15-16).

III.      Setting Goals and Objectives.

Understanding what biblical goals you should have in counseling is very important. If the coifh-selor aims at nothing, he will surely miss the mark. However, if you know what your goals and objectives should be, then you will know when you have reached them and that you have hit the target. What are some of the basic goals in your counseling?

A. Hope. When people seek counseling they are usually discouraged and have little hope.

1. You give hope by giving them Scriptures that testify that God has a solution
(Rom. 15:4).

2.     He is the God of all hope (Rom. 15:13). Endurance results from being given
hope(l Thess. 1:3).

B.  The possibility for change.

1. Every change God requires, God enables (Ex: salvation or forgiveness of oth­
ers).

2.     The Holy Spirit is the power source of change (2 Cor. 3:18).

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3.     The specific changes will only be made in a person's life by following biblical
commands.

4.     God promises that He will change and transform us (John 10:10; 2 Cor. 3:18).

C.  Repentance. The word repentance means to change the mind and reverse direction.

1. Repentance is where all change begins.

2.     Correct attitudes, correct thinking, and correct believing will always precede
correct behavior in a person's life (Mark 1:15).

D. Obedience to the Word.

1. If you love Him, you will obey Him (John 14:23).

2.     Obedience must come from your heart (Rom. 6:17).

3.     Obedience is enabled by the Holy Spirit (1 Pet. 1:22).

E.  Correct goals and priorities (Ecc. 2:11).

*         1. Eternal goals versus temporal goals; money, possessions, or power (2 Cor.

4:18). Wrong priorities in life are many times the simple reason why a person has disobeyed the Lord and is in trouble right now.

2.     Keeping a personal walk with Jesus first (Matt. 6:33; Matt. 22:37). Notice
Paul's counsel to disheartened slaves (Col. 3:22-24). People lose sight of the
meaning of their lives.

3.     In the past, men and women of faith always had their eyes on eternal issues,
which caused them to stay on track in their lives and obedient to God's call
(Heb. 11:6; Heb. 11:13-15; Heb. 11:24-26). You must focus people's eyes on
these eternal things.

F.  To bring this person to prayer.

1. Never leave a person without praying with them and for them. This gets them
in contact with the only One who can forgive, change, and empower them.

2.    Encourage personal prayer at home. The simple answer: most counseling
problems are just a need for a closer walk with Him. He is the Great Physician.
This helps people not to depend on you.

G.  Holiness not a healthy outlook.

1. God wants you to have more than a healthy spiritual outlook on life; He wants
you to be holy before Him in all aspects of your life (1 Peter 1:15).

2.     Holiness is God's calling upon your life (1 Thess. 4:7).

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H. Commitment not compromise.

1. Commitment to God means you can't compromise with the ungodly (Ps. 1:1).

2.     Commitment means you can't compromise with evil, you must hate it, and
commit yourself to clinging to what is good (Rom. 12:9).

I. Discipleship vs. doing what feels good.

1. Discipleship is the responsibility of all who call themselves Christians and pro­
fess a desire to follow Him (Matt. 16:24).

2. The cross is not going to feel good at the time, but the new life that follows
does.

J. Deny yourself not love yourself.

1. Man doesn't need to love himself any more than he already does (Eph. 5:29).
He must love and care for others the way he already cares for himself (Matt.
22:39).

2.     Self must be crucified with Christ. If any man desires to experience the life of
Christ within, he or she must die to selfishness (Gal. 2:20).

K. Walk it, don't just talk it!

1. God wants a walk of love, not just talk about love (1 John 3:18).

2.     God wants a walk that is worthy of the calling He has bestowed on you (Eph.
4:1).

L. Putting off old habits and putting on new ones.                                           *

1. Bad habits aren't broken; they must be replaced by putting on new habits.

2.     Examples:

a. Putting off stealing by putting on the behavior of working and giving
(Eph. 4:28).

b. Putting off drinking by putting on a lifestyle of being continually filled
with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18).

IV.      Stumbling Blocks to Change.

There are many stumbling blocks to seeing a person truly change. You as the counselor must identify these evasions and deal with them directly.

A. Running and hiding from God (Gen. 3:8).

1. This is the first thing Adam and Eve did after they sinned against God.

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2. At times you must seek people out, just as God did. Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost (Luke 19:1-10). This will mean you must call or ap­proach people when they disappear from church or counseling.

B.  Self-generated solutions (Gen. 3:7).

1.  Adam and Eve saw there was an immediate problem after the fall and so they

"made themselves coverings. " This was their self-generated solution. How­ever, God Himself desired to cover them with a solution He had devised (Gen. 3:21).

2. Today people do the same thing. They have a plan to solve their problems, but
many times this plan is not in harmony with God's Word. You must identify
where their plan is contradictory to God's and explain His alternative.

C.  Blame-shifting.

1. Both Adam and Eve tried to shift the blame for their own sin. Adam first
shifted the blame to God and then to his own wife. Eve then shifted the blame
to Satan (Gen. 3:12-13).

2.     You must not allow people to do this in counseling. Focus their attention on
their personal faults and responsibilities first (Matt. 7:5).

D.  Listening to people more than to God (Gen. 3:17).

1. This was Adam's problem as identified by God Himself (Gen. 3:17).

2.     You must help people to see who they are listening to and whose counsel they
are obeying; man's or God's?

E.  Lying and exaggeration (Acts 5:1-11).

1. When two stories don't match, and you suspect someone is lying, go very
slowly before you ever charge a person with this offence. Declare to both of
them that something doesn't match up in the story line. Declare, "Am I missing
something here?" Then ask more questions to be sure you have all the infor­
mation. This gives everyone the opportunity to tell the whole truth.

2.     Notice in Acts 5:1-11, this is what Peter did with both Ananias and Sapphira.

F.  "I can't" (Luke 14:20).

1. This is not a valid excuse when it conies to obeying God. Whatever He com­
mands, He will enable by His strength and power (Phil. 4:13).

2.     Sometimes a person is really saying, "I don't know how." You must explain
how.

G.  "I won't" (Matt. 21:29).

1. Sometimes the statement "I can't" is really, "I won't".

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2. You must determine which is true. This takes time. You suggest alternatives
and possible solutions to their problem and then see if they do it.

3.  Some people will just choose not to respond correctly (John 5:40).
H. No action taken after a profession and commitment is made (Matt. 21:30).

1. You must explain to them that they are not doing the will of God.

2.     God doesn't accept words, only deeds (1 John 3:18).
I. Unforgiveness and holding grudges (Matt. 18:21-35).

1. You must explain to them that they are not doing to others as God has done
with them.

2. Neither will the Lord forgive them (Mark 11:25-26).
J. No real commitment to Christ (Matt. 13:20-22).

1. These people will never see the fruit they desire in their lives until there is a full
surrender.

2.     Their lack of commitment to Christ is the reason for the trouble in their lives
right now.

K. No real repentance (2 Cor. 7:9-11).

* This is the first step toward any change. L. Obeying feelings instead of commands (Luke 17:1-10).

1. They must understand that good feelings always follow obedience to God's
commands. They feel bad because their conscience is doing its work inside
them (Rom. 2:15; James 1:25).

2.     Jesus made it clear that happiness is the fruit of doing what is right (John

13:17).

M. "My problem is unique" (1 Cor. 10:13).

1. This kind of thinking will lead a person to believe there is no solution to their
problem.

2.     We are all men and women with the same sinful nature and similar struggles
(James 5:17).

N. No fear of God (Ps. 55:19; Prov. 1:7).

1. David believed this was the reason why those who hated him had not changed.

2.     Remind people that one day they must stand before Christ's judgment seat
(Rom. 14:12).

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O. "If you grew up like I did, you would understand why I have so many problems."

1. Yes, the past has an influence on people's lives, but it cannot be used as an ex­
cuse for disobedience today (Ez. 18:19-20).

2.     The past cannot make a person do anything today. God is sovereign over their
lives. If they are saved, He lives in them to change and set them free.

P. Not putting off old habits and putting on new ones (Eph. 4:22-24).

* Putting on new habits and behavior is essential or people will go back to their old habits.

Q. The lack of self-control and self-discipline (1 Tim. 4:6-8; 12-16).

1. Many people want an easy and quick answer for their problems.

2.     Self-discipline is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Self-discipline is the decision to
make those hard choices to obey God and not to obey your desires or feelings.
A person has to do this on a daily basis and deal with any problem that arises.

R. Self vs. God (Matt. 16:24).

1. Every stumbling block to change comes down to the battle between obeying
God or obeying self. Will you live your way or God's way? This has been, and
always will be, the fundamental struggle. The simple path to change was given
by Jesus Christ, "Deny yourself and follow Me. "

2.     Recognize that self-exaltation, self-belittlement, self-pity, and self-
righteousness are all sin. They must be crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20).

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Marital Counseling

I. Dealing with crisis situations

Many marriage counseling opportunities come as a result of a crisis situation that occurs in a couple's relationship. Usually many small conflicts have been allowed to remain unresolved and these disagreements build up until some new issue triggers a major explosion. One or both indi­viduals come to a breaking point, which results in a call for counseling.

A. How should you view a marital crisis?

A marital crisis is a turning point in a person's marriage. It is an emotionally charged situation that threatens to radically alter this couple's relationship. During this crisis, a couple is turning to you for help and guidance over issues in which they have never be­fore sought counseling. As a result of your counsel, this couple will make decisions and take actions that will have long-term consequences for their marriage. As a counselor, it is your job to help this couple make the best decisions possible. This will entail several things.

1. You must give loving support and understanding.

2.     You must give biblical counsel and practical direction to solve the immediate
problem.

3.     You must help untangle the confusion of all their feelings and emotions, and
help them think rationally about what long-term steps they must take.

A marital crisis is a valid opportunity. When a couple experiences a crisis situation, they are much more open to new ideas because they are at a place of bewilderment in their personal lives and in their marriage. This questioning as to why their marriage is strug­gling promotes an openness, which usually leads the couple to make real practical changes. Because the couple has come to you for guidance, you have a great opportunity and a real responsibility to point this couple in a new and godly direction to improve their marriage. You have the most important privilege of sharing Jesus Christ as the means by which they can truly change their unsatisfying relationship into one they can enjoy. You must declare God's ability to radically change their attitudes and behavior and give them the marriage He intends. If this opportunity for change is missed, another crisis will occur somewhere in the future, which will separate this couple from one another even more, which can have disastrous consequences.

A marital crisis is a very dangerous situation. There are many conflicting thoughts and emotions in the midst of a marital crisis. Individuals feel guilt because of their own per­sonal failures, fear of what is going to happen to their marriage, anxiety over what people will think when others find out that their marriage is in trouble, little hope that the prob­lems in the marriage will be solved, and confusion as to what practical actions should be taken in their relationship. When people are in this state they sometimes do foolish things. Some people run away, others become physically abusive, and in cases where a couple has had long term marital strife some have even become suicidal. Therefore, hope is the most important assistance and support you can bring to a couple in crisis. This cou­ple must hear that God has an answer to their dilemma and that you can help them if they will be patient and work through the counseling process. When you minister hope in this manner it encourages a couple to make godly decisions, not foolish ones. Remember, the most important goal and objective in counseling is hope. Review the general counseling section (page 1-15).

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B.  How to handle a crisis situation

1. Listen carefully to determine what the immediate problem is that has caused the crisis.

2.     Begin your note taking at this point. Don't trust your memory. Couples make very im­
portant statements in the midst of a crisis that will be forgotten once they cool down.
You need to bring these statements back up in your follow-up sessions to address
deeper issues.

3.     If you have been contacted by only one mate, be sure to contact the other spouse and
get the other side of the story. Remember, you must hear both sides before you give
counsel (Prov. 18:17).

4.     Encourage the couple to forgive, have patience, and give them the assurance of your
willingness to help them through this difficult time.

5.     Give reading material that addresses some of the immediate problems. This encourages
the couple to take responsibility for their own marriage and addresses issues that you
can't cover with them in your initial session.

6.     Leave open one counseling appointment per week in your schedule just for such crisis
situations.

7.     Set up several counseling sessions in succession so that you may systematically ad­
dress their marriage problems one at a time. (We will cover this process later in this
seminar)

8.     Explain to the couple that the problems within their marriage have taken a long time to
form and you can't wave a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Explain
that it will take time and hard work to resolve the issues that divide them.

C. The difference between crisis counseling and ongoing counseling

1. Crisis Counseling will usually consists of 1-3 sessions. There is no need for ongoing
counseling because minor issues can be resolved quickly because of the willingness
and spiritual maturity of both partners.

2.     Ongoing Counseling will consist of many visits because you find in your initial session
that this couple has severe problems, is spiritually immature, and has need of a com­
plete overhaul of their spiritual and marital relationship.

II. Steps In Ongoing Marriage Counseling

A. Should you counsel certain situations?

1. Should you counsel a husband and wife separately? No. Why?

a.  Counseling a spouse alone violates the wisdom of Proverbs 18:17.

b. Counseling a spouse alone violates God's command not to talk about another per­
son behind their back (Matt. 18:15; Prov. 25:9). The only exceptions to this rule is
when an individual spouse is seeking your intervention because of an unreceptive
mate, when a mate is addressing only personal failures in their own life in which
they need guidance, or when a Christian is married to a non-Christian who refuses
to come for counseling. In these cases, your primary consideration must be the per­
sonal needs of the person before you, not the other spouse.

c.  In addition, if you do counsel a spouse alone, if the absent spouse at some future
time decides to come in, he or she will believe that you are already on the previous
partner's side. They immediately assume that you are not going to be impartial,
which is a fundamental requirement for success in any counseling (Rom. 2:11).

d. Counseling a spouse alone, in most cases, is a huge of waste time. It's a waste of
time because you have to repeat things that you've already discussed with the first
spouse, since you will have to convince them that you are truly impartial, and be­
cause you will most likely realize that you've only heard one side of the story and

2-2

may have to retract some of your previous counsel. Therefore, if possible, always counsel a couple together.

2. Should you counsel a Christian and non-Christian? Yes, but only for evangelism. See
page 1 - 9 in the general counseling section for a complete look at the subject of coun­
seling an unbeliever.

a. Listen to the couple's problems.

b.          Explain that the basis of your counsel will be God's Word.

c. Explain that the basis of their being able to apply God's Word in their lives will ne­
cessitate their being filled with the Holy Spirit.

d.          Explain the necessity of the unsaved partner's need for receiving Christ to experi­
ence the power of the Spirit.

e. Ask the unsaved partner what is keeping them from receiving Christ right now.

f. If the unsaved person refuses to receive Christ, give this individual some reading
material to go home with that will continue to evangelize them (More Than A Car­
penter by Josh McDowell or Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis). Then ask them to
come back to discuss uniting this marriage in Christ as the basis for your counsel.

3. Should you counsel a couple when one spouse is completely unwilling? No. Why?

a. Counseling a couple in this circumstance will be completely fruitless because suc­
cessful marital counseling requires two willing partners (Is. 1:19).

b. Assess both partners' willingness in your first session.

B. Establishing the ground rules with each couple in your first session. (30 minutes)

1. How willing is this couple for true biblical change? Making this determination is criti­
cal to the success of your counseling. The Lord is quite clear throughout Scripture that
willingness is the key attitude that He seeks. "If you are willing and obedient, you
shall eat the good of the land; But if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the
sword; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken " (Is. 1:19-20). See also John 5:40 and 1
Cor. 7:12-13. Ask a couple to rate themselves individually as to their willingness to do
whatever God requires. I usually ask each to use a scale from 1-10 "Ten" meaning that
they are willing to do anything God requires, "five" they are somewhat willing, and
"one" would reveal that this individual really doesn't even want to be at this counsel­
ing session. The lower they rate their willingness the more difficult it will be for your
counseling sessions to be successful. Many couples will rate themselves as a ten, but
this same couple will then fail to do their homework or will refuse to take specific ac­
tions. You must remind them of their statement and encourage them to make good on
their profession.

2.   Establish with each couple that Scripture is your ultimate authority. Each couple must
believe and understand that your basis for counseling them must be what God de­
clares, not what you think, they think, or what others have told them. When Jesus
counseled people He asked, "Have you not even read this Scripture? " (Mark 12:10).
Paul also appealed to Scripture in his counsel to the Romans. "For what does the
Scripture say? " (Romans 4:3). It is essential that each couple must commit to you that
God's Word is the sole authority in their lives and that they will obey it no matter what
it commands them to do. Explain that they must obey His Word in spite of their feel­
ings, or nothing will change. I then ask couples if Scripture is also their standard of
truth and the sole authority in their lives. If they answer yes to this question then you
have a solid basis for the changes you will ask them to make.

3.   Explain that you will require them to make real and practical changes in their behavior.
I tell couples right from the beginning that / can't fix the problems in their marriage. I
explain that all I can do is point them in the right direction and give them the tools for
change by explaining God's commands and promises, which they must then choose to
obey. I then make clear that our sessions together will not be full of talk with no action
required. It is essential that people realize that to be hearers of the Word and not doers
is total self-deception (James 1:22). Therefore, explain to the couple that you will en-

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courage them to do exactly what Paul taught. He "declared first to those in Damascus and in Jerusalem, and throughout all the region ofJudea, and then to the Gentiles, that they should repent, turn to God, and do works befitting repentance" (Acts 26:20). After establishing this truth, ask the couple if they are willing to make the radical changes necessary to heal and restore their marriage.

4.      Establish that companionship is your ultimate goal for their marriage and the counsel­
ing. Once you establish these issues, leave them with the explanation of the ultimate
goal that you will be shooting for, which is companionship. Explain that this is where
you want to take them. Remind them that this is the most important reason they are to­
gether in the bond of marriage. God made this clear when He spoke through the
Prophet Malachi: "The LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your
youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your
wife by covenant" (Mai. 2:14). Establishing companionship on every level of their re­
lationship is your ultimate goal.

5.      End with an encouragement to establish or reestablish their personal walk with Christ.
Do they have a personal walk with Christ? Are they reading the Bible daily, praying
privately, praying together as a couple, are they sharing spiritual things with each
other, and are they attending church weekly? You can quickly refer back to their origi­
nal intake form where they state their habits in these areas. Why is this important?
Each couple must understand that every marital problem is first a spiritual problem.
Therefore, ask each couple to commit to you right then that they intend to make this
change. You will find that some individuals have struggles and questions about the
fairness of God (heaven and hell). Others have wrong priorities in their lives, or a se­
cret sin they are involved in, or simply loving other things more than the Lord. Some­
times a couple's spiritual relationship is the primary issue where you must concentrate
your attention. Without a real and personal walk with Christ this individual and this
couple will not be able to put into practice any of the counsel you are about to give.
They both need to be able to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit to be able to resist
the power of their own flesh (Gal. 5:16-17). If a couple refuses to make this commit­
ment or after several sessions I realize that they have given lip-service to truly surren­
dering their lives to Christ, I will warn them that I will not counsel them any further
unless this change occurs.

C. Issues to address in the first session. (Aprox. 45 minutes)

1. Assess the greatest problems in their marriage. Using the marriage intake form (page 5
-1) that each spouse has filled out separately prior to your first appointment, briefly
discuss the major problems they have checked or written out in response to the ques­
tions. By doing this you gain a general overall view of this couple's marriage very
quickly.

2.     Take the problem at the top of their list. If you have time in this first session, begin by
immediately dealing with the most difficult problem that is dividing this couple. By
dealing with the most difficult issue first, you demonstrate to this couple that you
really care and want to address the real problems in their marriage and that your coun­
seling will not be the proverbial beating around the bush. In addition, it shows a couple
that you really want to help them and you are not afraid of the difficult issues. As you
take this action you will establish hope in this couple that something dramatic and
worthwhile is about to take place. When Jesus counseled the woman at the well He
dealt with the greatest problem she had first, namely, her need to worship the true God
in spirit and truth which would require her to address her sinful lifestyle of multiple
marriages and her present fornication (John 4:1-26).

3.     Require repentance and confession on the spot. After you have identified specific sins
that each partner has committed, ask them to turn and face each other and require that
they both confess their sin and ask forgiveness. This must be more than just saying
"I'm sorry" to one another. It is a request for forgiveness and the pledge to turn around

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and not to behave this way anymore (Prov. 28:13; James 5:16; 2 Cor 7:8-11). In addi­tion, by requiring this to be done on the spot you immediately will be able to clearly perceive the true willingness and honesty of both individuals. If there are faulty con­cepts concerning forgiveness these will also be revealed.

4. Give homework. Homework is essential for several reasons. First, it allows you to continue your counseling with biblically based encouragement after the couple leaves your office or home. Getting them into the Word of God is essential if you desire to generate conviction, repentance, and change (see the study sheet on God's method of change (page 4-1). Homework also helps a couple to communicate directly with each other concerning the central issues that they are struggling with in their relationship. In addition, homework helps you to see if this couple is serious about working on their marriage or if they are depending on you and your counsel to do all the work. A good place to begin your homework assignments is to give them the Companionship -work­sheet (page 2-13) and How to resolve conflicts work sheet at the same time (page 2 -15). (Further ideas on giving homework will be covered later in this seminar.) D. Your second session.

1. Ask for their own verbal assessment. Ask both the husband and wife if they believe the
marriage is generally doing better, about the same, or worse. This question helps you
to get a quick sense of the progress this couple is making at the outset of each session.
If they declare that everything is the same or worse, this means that one or both part­
ners are not obeying God's Word in some manner or the fruit would be better. Your
job is to determine where each partner is failing to obey God's Word and encourage
practical changes. Remember, you can be absolutely assured that when God's people
apply God's Word in their lives, changes will occur. Scripture declares that when be­
lievers add to their faith they will grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ. This
growth should result in a more and more experience in anyone's life according to the
promises of Scripture (2 Peter 1:5-11; 2 Peter 3:18; 1 Thess. 4:1).

2.    Did they do their homework? Use the homework assignment as the basis of your ses­
sion.

The companionship worksheet. Go over the companionship sheet and give your as­sessment of the areas in which they have good companionship, and where they have little. If a couple rates themselves 5 or less, they are in need of drastic change in that area. When both partners rate their satisfaction as high in an area (7-10), this means that you don't have to spend time on this issue. Go on to the areas in which they are deficient and examine these more closely. If one partner rates himself as being very satisfied (8-10) and the other rates herself as unsatisfied (1-5), this reveals that there is a great lack of understanding on this issue. If both rate themselves high or low, at least they agree that this area is satisfactory or is in need of attention. You must then give practical ideas to this couple concerning how they can develop greater companionship with each other.

The resolving conflict worksheet. As you begin looking at this worksheet, ask these questions: did they do the homework together; if they agreed how their spouse an­swered each question; and did they look up each Scripture? Again, note the way a couple rates each question. If an individual rates himself as behaving "sometimes" in the manner described, this would reveal it is a problem area that you must address in your counseling. However, if an individual rate himself as behaving often in a sinful manner, this means that you must see this issue as a major contributing factor to the struggles in the marriage.

You may need to spend several counseling sessions going over the information in these two worksheets. A couple must be willing to make radical changes in their commitment to companionship and learn how to address the conflicts that are de-

2-5

stroying their companionship. This process will entail asking for the specific details of a conflict, then asking each spouse to identify exactly where he or she personally failed so they might see exactly why the conflict arose and why it wasn't resolved.

3.     Have they addressed their spiritual needs? It's important to ask the couple regularly
how they are doing in their personal devotions, praying together, sharing spiritual
things with each other, church attendance, and their general spiritual growth. This will
help you to get an overall sense of how this couple is doing. Without real changes in
their spiritual life your counseling will always be ineffective. If they refuse or neglect
to take satisfactory action to change this part of their lives, you must warn them that
this will be cause for you to terminate the counseling.

4.     Take an inventory of what conflicts they've had since the last appointment. It's not a
disaster if they have had conflicts because disagreements are normal between two mar­
ried people who are sinners. Scripture records many such arguments between a hus­
band and wife (Gen. 21:1-14; 2 Sam. 6:16-23). What you want to determine is this: are
they applying the principles you are teaching them? Did they resolve the conflict? If
not, which biblical principles listed on the worksheet did they fail to obey? As you
show them where they are personally failing to obey God's Word, there will be no
question in their minds as to what each needs to do. All you have to do is help them to
understand exactly where they must put the counsel of the Scriptures into practice.

5.     Proceed to the next issue on your agenda. This means that you must have an agenda.
Before a couple conies in for each session, write down what are the issues you want to
cover with them. When you are finished counseling, make another list of future issues
you want to address with the couple. Having a clear agenda helps to keep>>ow on track
and the couple feeling that they are hitting all the issues. If an individual brings up a
totally unrelated issue that is not essential to the present conversation, explain that this
issue will be put on a list of future issues to cover. But, be sure to deal with this issue
as soon as you can because it is obviously an important problem if it has been brought
up.

E.  Each follow up session.

1. What is the need? After a few sessions have been completed and you believe you are
making headway addressing the greatest problems, look back over the couple's origi­
nal intake form and begin hitting some of the other issues they listed as problem areas.
You can also look on the back of the resolving conflict worksheet for the items listed
there and any issues you have placed on the future agenda list. Deal first with the is­
sues that the couple has listed as their greatest needs. Resolving these issues one at a
time continues to give a couple hope that all their concerns will be addressed.

2.     Don't leave an issue until you see true biblical change. As a biblical counselor and dis­
ciple of Christ you must require biblical obedience to God's Word. Otherwise, the
couple you are counseling will become discouraged with the counseling because they
will see little changing in their marriage. In addition, it's a waste of time to just talk
and not see change in your counselees. Therefore, continue to ask the individual or the
couple to do what Scripture teaches in order to make the changes needed personally
and in the marriage.

3.     Address every disobedience to commands of Scripture. Disobedience to God's com­
mands is exactly what has gotten the marriage into trouble in the first place. Therefore,
you must determine where there is failure in each spouse and explain how they may
overcome these struggles. In each follow-up session ask probing questions to deter­
mine how each partner dealt with the specific struggles and conflicts since you last
saw them.

F.  Resolving conflicts.

1. The need. The failure to resolve conflicts within a marriage is the central reason why a couple divorces. Therefore, teaching a couple how to resolve conflicts and helping them to understand why they are failing is critical for you as a counselor.

2-6

2.     How to help them learn. The twelve principles listed for you on the resolving conflict
worksheet (page 2-15) must be taught and reinforced continually if a couple is to de­
velop their skill at resolving conflicts. When a couple acknowledges that they have
had a conflict and have failed to resolve it, first go over the specific details of the ar­
gument from each partner's perspective. Help each to see their personal fault in the
disagreement. Then ask them to turn and face each other and confess their personal
fault and ask forgiveness right then. By doing this you are helping this couple to see
the process they need to go through when they are at home. For a more in-depth look
at how to resolve conflicts please refer to chapter 9 in my book Married And How To
Stay That Way.

3.     Several key issues. As you counsel couples, look for these key stumbling blocks that
greatly hinder individuals from resolving their conflicts.

*       Stubbornness and hardness of heart. Stubbornness is a fundamental problem that
must be overcome if a couple is to resolve their differences. Stubbornness is pri­
marily an issue of the heart. The psalmist encouraged fathers to teach their children,
"not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that
did not set its heart aright, and -whose spirit was not faithful to God" (Ps. 78:8).
Notice that stubbornness is directly associated with being rebellious and unfaithful
before God. However, men have the capacity to set their hearts aright if they choose
to do so. Encourage couples that their stubbornness and hardness of heart is a
choice that has serious consequences to their marriage and their relationship with
God.

*       Unforgiveness. Many times the stubbornness and hardness of heart within an indi­
vidual is rooted in unforgiveness. Therefore, examine this issue closely when you
observe stubbornness within your counselee. Explain that forgiveness is also a
choice and that the refusal to forgive means that this individual's heart is not right
before God, which bars him or her from God's forgiveness. Jesus said that, "if you
have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also
forgive you your trespasses. But, if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in
heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mark 11:25-26). The unwillingness to forgive
naturally hardens the heart. Notice that Paul directly associates forgiveness and a
tender heart within: "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one an­
other, just as God in Christ forgave you " (Eph. 4:32).

*       Selfishness. Selfishness is another issue that is at the root of all conflicts. James de­
clared "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are
there " (James 3:16). Since every evil thing has envy and self-seeking at its root,
you should be looking for these in every conflict and help a couple to identify ways
they can stop living selfishly. I usually ask a couple to list for me all the ways they
are living selfishly in their marriage. This exercise has a dramatic effect upon both
partners to bring humility and honesty concerning their own personal faults. Like­
wise, when dealing with specific conflicts that seem to be hard to reconcile, ask this
question again. "Where did you act selfishly in that conflict"?

*       Pride. Pride is also a primary cause in all conflicts. Solomon understood this truth
when he stated: "He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife, but he who trusts in the
LORD will be prospered" (Prov. 28:25). Again, when there are conflicts that seem
hard to resolve, ask couples to identify where they are being prideful and how they
can humbly respond in a different manner. Humility naturally produces the mutual
submission within a relationship that draws two people together (1 Peter 5:5).

G. Solving problems.

1. The need to solve problems. After a couple learns to resolve their conflicts they then need to learn how to solve these same conflicts so that they won't argue over these same issues again. The skill of solving problem areas within a marriage is the key to

2-7

lasting harmony and companionship within their relationship. Failure to fully solve is­sues in a marriage is the cause of great frustration within marriages. 2. How to solve problems. You must help this couple to see where they have already solved previous issues in their marriage. Ask them to think about a conflict that they previously had when they were first married. Then have them explain to you why they don't hassle over this issue today. Their response will be because they found a solution to this problem by making practical changes to their attitudes and behaviors. Solving problems is the simple process of not attacking or retreating from your spouse when a conflict arises, dealing with your own faults, creatively finding ways to not offend your spouse, doing what pleases your mate, and remembering to take these actions in all similar circumstances. Please refer to the solving conflict diagram (page 2-17) and chapter 10 in my book Married And How To Stay That Way for more information. H. Building a closer relationship.

The need to build a closer relationship. Once a couple learns to resolve and solve the con­flicts that have divided them, they must now be counseled to build a closer relationship. Developing real companionship gives the marriage a greater depth, strength, and the sat­isfaction that God intends for this relationship. What are some of the building blocks for a stronger marriage that you need to encourage? As we consider each of these building blocks, if you would like a more in-depth discussion of these topics, please refer to the last section in my book Married And How To Stay That Way. I have devoted entire chapters to each of these subjects, so, I will only make brief comments here.

1. Developing a deeper commitment. Most couples that have severe marital difficulties
will constantly bring up the option of divorce. You must encourage them not to do
this because threatening divorce is sinful. When one or both individuals use this ploy
they are threatening to violate a covenant made in the presence of God. This is more
serious than they understand. It is also counterproductive to building a lasting rela­
tionship because it is the threat to destroy, not build. A couple will never look for
ways to build their relationship when they are thinking of ending their marriage. You
must encourage them at every opportunity to verbalize their commitment to one an­
other on a regular basis. As they do, they will be following our Lord's example when
He made His verbal commitment: "I will never leave you nor forsake you " (Heb.
13:5).

2.     Developing a mutual submission and obedience to the individual roles of husband
and wife. Mutual submission to each other and the removal of competition in a rela­
tionship is the key to husbands and wives walking in their roles as taught in Ephe-
sians chapter 5. Paul encouraged couples: "Submitting yourselves one to another in
the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). Paul places this essential building block at the begin­
ning of this passage and then applies the principle by teaching both husband and
wife to give sacrificial love in a reciprocal manner. Therefore, at every opportunity
during your counseling, encourage couples that their mutual submission to each
other is of the utmost importance. As they develop this very precious attitude and
demonstrate it in all their actions, the power struggles within the relationship cease,
which then allows the relationship to grow as God intended. Loving leadership and
loving submission will naturally grow in this ground.

3.     Developing better communication skills. Improving a couple's ability to communi­
cate effectively is fundamental to the growth and building of relationship in any mar­
riage. The counseling worksheet Identifying Communication Roadblocks (page 2 -
20) will be essential in helping a couple to understanding their specific need for
change. As you counsel a couple you must point out these failures in their communi-

o cation and give them alternatives. In addition, you must explain the continuous need to set aside time for interaction with each other for the specific exercise of commu­nication, and help them understand how and where this can be done. Use your own

2-8

marriage as an example and explain the specific ways in which you take time to communicate with your spouse.

4.     Building friendship into the relationship. Friendship is a basic building block of any
love relationship. Solomon stated that "a friend loves at all times " (Prov. 17:17).
Therefore, if a couple wants to develop their love for one another they need to be­
come better friends. This process begins with resolving the conflicts that have
robbed them of their intimacy and removing each of the impediments that have kept
them from dealing with these conflicts (stubbornness and hardness of heart, selfish­
ness, pride, and unforgiveness). In addition, as a couple communicates with kind­
ness, spends time in recreation together, pursues love and sacrificial giving, and re­
turns to being more romantic, the friendship and companionship only increases.

5.     Taking time for recreation. Having fun and recreating together is one of the key is­
sues that disappears from marriages and seriously affects the friendship and romance
of the relationship. The most romantic couple in the Bible clearly spent time smell­
ing the flowers as they took walks together, went on vacations to mountain villages,
and enjoyed times alone together (Song of Solomon 2:10-14; 7:11-12). Therefore,
you must encourage each couple that you counsel to find ways to participate regu­
larly in some recreation together which they both enjoy.

6.     Developing more romance. Romance is the excitement and passion of a marital rela­
tionship. Solomon described it this way: "You have ravished my heart, my sister, my
spouse; you have ravished my heart with one look of your eyes, with one link of your
necklace " (Song of Solomon 4:9). The word ravished means to make the heart beat
faster. When couples are in crisis within their marriages, romance and excitement
usually evaporates very quickly. Yet as this same couple begins resolving their con­
flicts, romance naturally returns because they have fallen in love with each other
again. However, if you don't perceive the passion and romance returning you must
address this issue. Encourage them that both partners must equally work toward this
goal. This is clearly the example we see with Solomon and his wife. Romance is
built by the mutual friendship that is nurtured by loving and kind words that are spo­
ken one to another (Song of Solomon 5:16; 4:1; 1:16). Romance is also built by the
time you spend together and the physical and sexual affection you demonstrate to
one another (Song of Solomon 2:10-14; 1:2; 2:6; 1 Cor. 7:3). In addition, encourage
this couple that they must get out of their routine (Song of Solomon 7:11-12). Rou­
tine always kills romance. Encourage them to investigate what is romantic to their
partner and take this action spontaneously and unpredictably. Romance will natu­
rally result!

7.     Building the sexual relationship. A couple's sexual relationship is equally important
in building a closer relationship. Sexual intimacy is usually the first thing to suffer
when there are unresolved conflicts in a marriage, and typically passion returns
when these issues are resolved. However, when this does not occur, their sexual re­
lationship must be addressed specifically. What is most important for you as the
counselor is that you aren't afraid to speak frankly about this subject. You must re­
member that if the Bible candidly addresses this issue, you should be able to do the
same. The primary issues that you want to address with a couple are these: The re­
sponsibility for both partners to express affection to one another as the primary pur­
pose of sex (1 Cor. 7:3-4); the responsibility of not withholding sex to manipulate
their mate (1 Cor. 7:5); to understand their mate's needs, likes and dislikes and to
attempt to give sacrificially in each of these areas (1 Peter 3:7); and to point out that
they cannot separate their sexual relationship from the rest of their marriage. Human
beings are body, soul, and spirit, and therefore, we must build intimacy in each of
these areas to experience a completely satisfying relationship.

8.     Establishing greater self-discipline. A disciplined life is the ultimate goal of God's
Word as it is applied in a person's life (2 Tim. 3:16). Self-discipline is the fruit of the

2-9

Holy Spirit and therefore is the means to a godly life (1 Tim. 4:7; Eph. 5:22-23). The lack of self-discipline is what causes a person to fail to keep his or her commitments and promises to God or to their spouse. Therefore, it is imperative that when you discern a lack of self-discipline in either partner's life that you explain biblically how essential this issue is and how to develop a more disciplined life. 9. Learning how to love. The ultimate understanding that any couple can develop is how to love, and more specifically, how their mate needs and wants to be loved. Please refer to the work sheet on learning how to love (page 2 - 23). After this sheet is done, ask the couple where each believes that he or she is failing to love. Then ask the other spouse if there is anything their mate missed. Exhort and reprove each of them to respond several times in the coming week in the specific manner discussed in order to demonstrate their love. I. Handling various problems in counseling.

1. Failure to do homework. What should you do when a couple fails to do their home­
work or they don't fulfill the responsibilities and tasks you gave them to accomplish?
(1) Explain that your counseling alone can't solve their problems. They must be obe­
dient to God's Word, their own conscience, and fulfill the promises they have made to
God, to each other, and to you as their counselor. Fulfilling their end of the counseling
process is essential for long term success in their marriage and their lives. Obedience
and self-discipline always leads to righteousness (Rom. 6:16; 2 Tim. 3:16). (2) Explain
that their failure to fulfill their responsibility is one of the important reasons why they
are presently struggling in their marriage. (3) Their failure shows a lack of commit­
ment and a lack of willingness to work at the specific issues that have driven the mar­
riage into crisis.

2.     Unwillingness to resolve conflicts. What do you do when couples fail to resolve con­
flicts and they keep coming to you in a crisis mode every other week? (1) Give them
the conflict checklist to help them see where they are failing (page 2 -18). Review the
same biblical principles with them again, but explain to this couple that you don't have
anything new to tell them. It's applying the truths that they already know. (2) Explain
that unless they resolve their conflicts and find lasting solutions within their relation­
ship nothing is going to change. Encourage them to stop putting off the hard work and
get down to business. (3) Remind them that it's not a question of whether they can't
resolve these issues, but it's that they won't resolve them. (4) Go back to the Stumbling
Blocks To Change in the general counseling principles (page 1 - 17) to consider other
possible problems.

3.     Explosive anger and physical abuse issues. Whenever one or both partners have explo­
sive outbursts of anger, the home will be in a continual crisis mode. With this situation
it's usually only a matter of time before physical abuse also occurs. How should you
handle this? (1) Review with the couple the anger study sheet (page 4 - 3) to help them
understand how to use their anger in a constructive manner. (2) Counsel them in detail
about how to overcome their own flesh. Then give them the study sheets on Rom. 6-8
(Page 4 - 34) to help reinforce your counsel. (3) Don't allow any outbursts of anger in
your counseling sessions. If you allow people to be harsh or verbally abusive in your
presence you are condoning this behavior. I explain to people that they must behave
and speak to each other like Christians or the counseling session is over. This usually
stops the problem instantly. (4) If physical abuse is occurring, this is not a safe situa­
tion and you must encourage a spouse to leave for his or her own safety until the ex­
plosive spouse can gain self-control. See appendix B in my book Married and How To
Stay That Way for more instruction on how to respond to a spouse that is out of con­
trol.

4.     An individual or couple that does not continue to seek the Lord. As I've already re­
peatedly stated, both marriage partners must have a sincere and vibrant walk with the
Lord. God's power and life are essential for growth in the marriage. If you don't see

2- 10

the couple at church or determine that one or both partners are not having daily devo­tions, immediately reprove them. I usually explain to couples that if they neglect or re­fuse to consistently seek the Lord I will not continue to counsel them. My reason is that only God can change their lives and marriage and that I am wholly inadequate for this task. I explain that I can only give them direction and the tools to work with. They must plug into the power source of God's Spirit to make the tools work. Without a consistent relationship with the Lord they cannot experience His power to do this.

5.     When one partner becomes unwilling. This is a serious problem that can destroy the
entire counseling process and the marriage itself. At the first sign that one spouse is
turning hard, unwilling, or especially sarcastic in their response, deal quickly with this
attitude. Ask as many probing questions as you can to determine why this individual's
heart has turned sour. Minister hope if this spouse is discouraged and forgiveness if re­
sentment is being held in their heart.

6.     Couples who are separated. When couples come for counseling that are already sepa­
rated, usually there is somewhat of a willingness to reconcile their marriage or they
wouldn't be in your office in the first place. However, sometimes one party has pres­
sured the other to come for counseling and yet is completely unwilling to reconcile.
Therefore, you must begin by assessing both partners willingness to work out the
problems. Again, I attempt to minister hope to both individuals and share stories of
previous couples that have reconciled with similar problems. I then attempt to deter­
mine what the issues were that caused the separation and minister the Word.

If only one spouse comes for counseling and the other has refused, I usually try to fo­cus only on the individual that is in front of me and his or her specific problems. I try to not talk about their spouse in the event this person comes in later. I can then assure that spouse that we have not talked about them behind their back. I also usually give an individual a very helpful article (page 4 - 23) entitled, What Should You Do When Your Spouse Walks Out The Door? I encourage prayer, patience, and lots of self-examination.

7. When one partner wants a divorce. This is a very difficult circumstance because you
can't pressure a person to reconcile, you can only gently encourage them to take bibli­
cal action. I usually give the person the article (page 4 - 27) entitled, Understanding
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. This article is helpful because it encourages a
person to fully consider the consequences of his or her actions. Sometimes a person
has biblical grounds for divorce because of adultery. In such cases, I encourage for­
giveness and reconciliation. In addition, I explain that divorce isn't a command but
only an allowable option. They must make their own decision before God. Remind this
person that their decision will have far reaching consequences for years to come espe­
cially if they have children. However, you must also remember that it is their life and
their marriage. If you try and force your decision upon this person, if some future
problems occur or a person regrets the decision later, he or she will come back to you
with, "Why did you tell me to do this?" Therefore, encourage personal responsibility
in all decisions. You can't play god in someone's life!

J. Giving homework assignments.

1. Why give homework? Homework is an excellent way to get both partners to look into
the Scriptures as a married couple. Giving worksheets, reading material, and study
sheets will help a couple to understand and discuss spiritual truths that directly affect
their personal lives.

2.     Determining what kind of homework to give. First, don't give homework just for the
sake of giving a couple something to do. Only give them worksheets or study sheets
that apply directly to the immediate struggle the individual or couple is having. Oth­
erwise, a couple will not have a sufficient interest or desire to finish the assignment.

3.     Resources to use for homework assignments. You can use the material I've provided
here in this manual. Chapters within my book Married and How To Stay That Way.

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Wayne Mack's books entitled A Homework Manual for Biblical Counseling, (Vol. I Personal and Interpersonal Problems) (Vol. 2, Family and Marital Problems). Chap­ters within Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack. You can also use other books on marriage that have a biblical emphasis. In addition, you should also consider that God might want to use you to write worksheets that will minister directly to needs that you encounter in your counseling. K. When is it time to release a couple from counseling?

1. When a couple has resolved their conflicts and built a new relationship.

2.     When there is a continual refusal to obey the counsel given. The timing of your deci­
sion in this situation will be determined by the couple's attitude, spiritual maturity, and
past willingness to obey your counsel.

3.     If a couple simply cancels their appointments and doesn't come back for counseling, I
would suggest calling them and finalizing the reasons why they have chosen not to
return for counseling. Be sure to record these statements in your counseling notes in
case this couple decides to restart the counseling at a future date. Most of the excuses
that people give are tied to the basic problems they have in their marriage, to the gen­
eral stumbling blocks to change we've discussed here, and to their unwillingness to
deal with the issues. Therefore, write these statements down so that you will be able to
use these statements as your starting point if this couple wants to counsel again. Some
of the problems you would want to address are: lack of self-discipline, unwillingness
to deal with the real issues that divide them, or being unresponsive to God's Word and
His standard for their marriage.

L. Will there ever be a couple that you can't help? Yes! Why?

1. When a couple refuses to heed the Word of God.

2.     When a couple is caught by any of the basic stumbling-blocks to change I've listed in
the general counseling section (page 1 -17). If there is no response after several at­
tempts to explain these stumbling blocks and the solutions, release them from coun­
seling. Let them go knowing that the door is always open if they wish to return.

Book List

*   Married And How To Stay That Way, by Steve Carr, ACW Press, 1-805-489-9088.

4   Strengthening Your Marriage, by Wayne Mack, Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company.

4   The Christian Counselor's Manual, by Jay Adams, Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company.

*       Ready to Restore, by Jay Adams, Baker Books.

*       How to Counsel from Scripture, by Martin and Deidre Bobgan, Moody Press.
4   How to Counsel God's Way by Bob Hoekstra, Calvary Distribution.

4   A Homework Manual for Biblical Counseling, by Wayne Mack, (Vol. 1 Personal and Inter­personal Problems) (Vol. 2, Family and Marital Problems).

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Companionship Worksheet

This worksheet is to help you practically determine exactly where you are successful as com­panions and where you are in need of some changes. After reading each question listed, rate yourself from 1-10 (10 meaning very satisfied). Both husband and wife should each have their own copy to work on. When complete, compare your answers with your spouse.

1.  Spiritual issues.

4      Do you pray with your spouse about the personal issues in your life? 4      Do you pray with your spouse about your marriage on a regular basis?

*             Do you go to church and sit with one another on a weekly basis?

*             Do you talk about the things you have learned from the sermon later that day?

*             Do you talk over the things you are learning in your personal reading of Scripture or of
a book about the Bible?

*             Do you serve others together? As Sunday School teachers? Edifying others? Giving
of your time to help others in practical ways?

2. Communication issues.

*          Do you talk over your day with one another when you gather together in the evening?

*          Do you freely share your opinions and ideas with your spouse?

*          Do you regularly give encouragement and can you also receive it from your spouse?

*          Do you plan future actions and make decisions together?

*          Do you share your hopes, fears, hurts, and goals with one another?

*          Do you have any mutual recreation that you do together where you communicate?
Walking, biking, gym, etc.

*          Do you go shopping together and enjoy just being together?

*          Do you have a weekly date night?

*          Do you daily verbalize your love to your spouse?

*          Do you do chores around the house together?

*          Do you write cards or love notes to one another?

3. Emotional issues.

*          Do you share your deepest emotions with one another?

*          Do you give and receive emotional support to and from one another?

*          Do you have the freedom to laugh and cry with one another?

*          Do you accept your emotional differences?

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4. Physical and sexual issues.

4    Do you give thoughtful gifts periodically to your spouse just to say "I love you?"

4    Do you take thoughtful actions just to say "I love you?"

4    Do you serve your mate when your help is requested?

4    Do you, in a non-sexual way, touch and hold one another on a daily basis?

4    Do you approach each other regularly for sexual relations and are your advances re­ceived favorably?

4    Do you express real affection while engaged in sexual relations, or is it just a physical act with little emotion?

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HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS IN A BIBLICAL WAY

I.  First, you need the correct motivations within your heart.

Your motivations will either help or hinder you when putting these principles into action.

PLEASE READ EACH VERSE AND BE SURE THIS IS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART.

A.   Are you willing to resolve the conflicts? Are you willing to do anything that God requires
or commands you to do (Is. 1:19)? Without a willing heart you will not be motivated to take
any of the practical steps necessary to resolve these conflicts.

B.   Are you willing to please God? Your ultimate desire must be to please God. This
motivation will cause you to take all of the difficult actions listed below. (Romans 15:3)
(Gal. l:10)(IThess.4:l)

Commit yourself now in prayer asking God to put these motivations in your heart.

II. Apply these biblical principles on resolving conflicts.

Read through each verse that follows these principles. To enable you to better identify your problem areas rate yourself by marking to the side, O - Often, S = Sometimes, R = Rarely. (Men use the left side of the paper, women use the right).

A.   Do you actively seek reconciliation after a conflict (Matt. 5:23,24) (Matt. 18:15)?

B.   Do you seek reconciliation quickly (Matt. 5:25) (Eph. 4:26)?

C.   Are you completely honest about the facts of the conflict (Ps. 51:6)?

D.   Do you restrain your anger during a conflict (Prov. 20:3) (Prov. 17:14)?

E.   Do you seek to listen and understand what your spouse thinks when a disagreement occurs
(James 1:19) (Prov. 18:13)?

F.   After you've had an argument, do you humble yourself and confess your fault first (James
5:16) (Matt. 7:5) (Gen. 3:11-13)?

G.   Do you forgive and refuse to bring the issue up again (Heb. 8:12)(Phil. 3:13) (Eph. 4:31-
32) (Matt. 6:14-15) (Psalms 66:18)?

H. Do you tell your mate, in love, specifically what action or attitude you want to see change (Matt. 18:15)?

I.   Do you keep talking until you find an agreement through a mutually agreed upon compromise (Gen. 13:7-13)?

J. Do you pray regularly together for the power to change (James 5:16) (Luke 11:13)?

K. Are you patient and long-suffering when things don't change as quickly as you want (Gal.

5:22-23)?

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L. Do you take specific action to change even when your partner will not (Heb. 10:24) (John 13:15) (Matt. 7:12) (Romans 5:8)?

HI. What should you do with those conflicts that seem to defy resolution?

If you can't reach a solution after going through these Scriptures, look for one or two areas you can agree upon. Use these areas as a starting point in resolving the other issues. (Heb. 3:12-13) (Matt. 18:19) (Amos 3:3)

The softening of both hearts sometimes will require time. Pray and ask God to soften your heart and keep talking together until you work out any unresolved issues. This is where long-suffering is needed. Stubbornness and hardness of heart are the source of all unresolved conflicts, but willingness to compromise can bring you to a solution. Begin by dealing with your hardness of heart first. Ask God to reveal where you are being stubborn and selfish. As you see your own faults and failures ask God to forgive you. Remember, in 1 John 1:9 it says, "If we confess our sins God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." The word, confess means to agree with. Notice that for reconciliation to occur with God, you must come to an agreement with Him over your sin. Therefore, as you see your personal faults and come into agreement with God, this will encourage you to come into agreement with your spouse.

IV Steps to fully resolve your conflicts

1.   In order of severity, list the conflicts that you constantly struggle with in your relationship.

Husband

Wife

2.   List your personal faults and failures regarding these conflicts (Matt. 7:5).

Husband

Wife

3.             Ask forgiveness for each of your faults and failures.

4.             Discuss ways you can both be more giving and loving in each area of conflict.

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Determine what the Bible teaches about this problem and obey it. Ask God for wisdom. Think creatively for a practical solution: this takes loving compromise in all your future actions.

To find a lasting solution so this won't happen again, (Acts 6:1-7)

Ask God's forgiveness and then ask your spouse to forgive you. Repentance, communication, and prayer together are essential.

Resolving the problem. (Eph. 4:32) (Acts 8:22) (James 1:22-25)

| To find the problem, first refuse to attack or retreat. Ask yourself what you have done wrong and the problem becomes obvious. Confess this to your spouse. |

Both attacking & retreating. (Acts 7:57)

Attacking each other. (Gal. 5:15,26) (Prov. 12:18)

Attacking the problem. (Matt. 7:5) (James 5:16) (Acts 6:1-7)

Retreating from each other. (Luke 15:25-28) (Eph. 4:26)

B flfl fl fl fl B

What Hinders Conflict Resolution?

If you want to determine what is hindering you and your mate from fully resolving your conflicts, answer the questions below to enable you to identify what you have been doing wrong.

1. Are you willing to please the Lord and do whatever He requires of you, or have you thrown up
your hands in disgust (Is 1:19)? List on the back of this paper what you believe God wants
you to do to please Him as you seek reconciliation.

2.    Have you identified what your personal faults are in this conflict or are you simply blaming
your spouse (Matt. 7:5)? List on the back of this paper what your faults are.

3.    Have you confessed these faults and asked your mate for his or her forgiveness (James 5:16;
Mark 11:25-26)?

4.    Have you been completely honest with your partner when confessing your faults or have you
shaded the truth so your faults won't look so bad (Ps. 51:6)?

5.    Have you sought reconciliation quickly with your spouse or have you been putting it off (Matt.
5:25)?

6.    Have you been restraining your anger or have you become explosive and raised your voice
(Prov. 20:3; Prov. 15:18; James 1:20)?

7.    Have you truly attempted to listen and understand what your mate thinks concerning the
conflict (James 1:19)?

8.    Have you spoken kindly to your partner or have you been sarcastic and cutting with your
words (Judges 19:3; Ps. 52:2)?

9.    Have you truly sought agreement through compromise or are you insisting on your own way
(1 Cor. 7:5)?

10.   Have you been in regular prayer with your mate or have you attempted to change on your
own (James 5:16)?

11.   Have you been patient and longsuffering with your spouse or have you been expecting things
to change overnight (Col. 3:12-14)?

12.   Have you taken specific action to love and give even when your partner has refused to do his
or her part (1 John 4:19)?

13.   Have you been personally seeking God for the power of His Spirit to help you (John 15:5;
Luke 11:13)?

14.   Have you been studying God's Word on a daily basis and searching for understanding for
possible solutions to your dilemma (Acts 17:11; Prov. 15:28)?

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Solving Your Conflicts

When couples fail to solve recurring conflicts within their relationship the result is always a growing sense of frustration, disappointment, and irritation with each other. Ultimately, as this situation continues year after year in a marriage there is a growing conviction that these issues will never be worked out and the couple drifts farther and farther apart. Therefore, it is imperative that you and your spouse purpose to diligently and honestly work through the following process, which is designed to help you solve these stubborn problems. Ask God to give you the love and the willingness to put these decisions into action.

I. Determine if you an attacker or a retreater? Why? If you want to solve your conflicts you must
stop these destructive forms of behavior. You can't solve anything if you attack or retreat from
each other.

a. Are you the more verbal individual? = Attacker

b. Do you want to jump in and work things out quickly? = Attacker

c. Are you usually after your mate to work on these problems? = Attacker

d. Are you the less verbal individual? = Retreater

e. Do you try to avoid discussions about conflict? = Retreater

f.  Are you usually being pursued by your spouse to work on problems? = Retreater

II.  Determine what the real problem is that is dividing you.

a. To determine what the real problem is, simply ask God to open your eyes to your own
faults in this recurring conflict. Jesus said this was the first thing you must do to solve any
conflict (Matt. 7:5).

b. Once you identify these faults, list each below.

III. Attack the problem.

a. If you attack your personal faults you will instantly stop the fruitless cycle of retreating or
attacking each other. Only then can you make the progress you long for in this recurring
conflict.

b. To attack the problem you must deal with your faults by following biblical commands,
which address the issues themselves (i.e. approaching your spouse, honesty, confession,
repentance, requesting and granting forgiveness, and any restitution that may be
necessary).

IV. Resolve the problem.

a. To resolve the problem, simply choose to acknowledge your personal faults, ask for
forgiveness, pray together to remove the hardness within both of your hearts, and ask for
His empowering Spirit of love to overflow you once again.

b. Most couples stop after this step of resolving an issue, which means the conflict will
probably reoccur again very soon. Take the next step to fully solve the conflict.

V.  Solve the problem.

a. Now be creative and begin to think and discuss ways that you could avoid this conflict in
the future.

b. Begin by addressing your personal faults listed above. What could you do differently
relating to each attitude and action that you listed?

c. Come to an agreement with your spouse concerning how you will handle this conflict in the
future.

d. List the future actions each will take.

e. Pray and ask the Lord for the power of His Spirit to help you keep your commitment.

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Identifying Communication Road Blocks

I. Correct motivations are essential to growing in your communication skills.

PLEASE READ EACH VERSE AND BE SURE THIS IS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART.

A. Are you willing to grow in your communication skills? Willingness is the key to any
fundamental change in your life (Is. 1:19). Without a willing heart you will not be
motivated to take any of the practical steps necessary to change your habits.

B. Are you willing to please God? Your ultimate desire must be to please God. This
motivation will cause you to take each of the biblical principles listed below (Romans 15:3)
(Gal. l:10)(lThess.4:l).

Commit yourself in prayer by asking God to put these motivations in your heart.

II. Apply these biblical principles to your communication skills.

Read through the verses that follow each of the problems listed below. To enable you to better identify your problem areas rate yourself by marking to the side, O = Often, S = Sometimes, R = Rarely. (Husbands use the left side of the paper wives use the right).

Your attitudes

Your attitude is critical to being an effective communicator and is the basis for what you say and do. Without the correct attitude, your words will always come out wrong. You may be totally right in all that you say, but it's the way you say it that many times causes the wrong response from your spouse. Let's look at some of these attitudes.

*   Do you have an arrogant or superior attitude when you speak to your mate (Prov. 14:3)

(Prov. 8:13)(Prov.25:15)?

4   Does your tone of voice reveal a bitter and resentful attitude (Acts 8:23)? 4   Do you have an indifferent attitude or do you make light of issues when your mate

attempts to talk with you (Matt. 22:5)?

4   Do you have an authoritarian attitude when making requests (Prov. 25:15)? 4   Are you disrespectful or impolite when responding to your mate (Eph. 5:33) (1 Peter

3:7)?

Your words

Once you have examined your attitudes or the way you talk, next consider what you say. Your words either build up or tear down your mate.

4   Do you cut and slash your mate verbally with harsh words (Prov. 15:1) (Ps. 52:2)?

4   Do you use lying and deceitful words in an argument (Ps. 120:2) (Eph. 4:25)?

4   Do hateful words come from your lips when you disagree (Ps. 109:3)?

4   Do you use flattering words to get what you want (Prov. 2:16)?

4   Do you swear and use filthy language when you get angry (Col. 3:8) (Eph. 4:29,31)?

4   Do you exaggerate by using phrases such as, "you always" or "you never" when attempting to prove your point (Eph. 4:15) (Eph. 4:25)?

4   Do you use condemning words to ridicule and silence your mate (Luke 6:37)?

4   Do you use no words or silence to punish or manipulate your mate (Acts 7:57)?

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Your actions

The specific actions taken while speaking with one another will either enhance or hinder your ability to effectively communicate. Consider these actions:

4   Do you twist your mate's words to confuse your mate when you know that he or she

has spoken truth and you simply don't want to admit it (Ps. 56:5)? 4   Do you attack and belittle your spouse during a conflict (Prov. 12:18)? 4   Do you refuse to communicate when conflicts arise (Matt. 5:25)? *   Do you interrupt or finish your mate's sentences (Prov. 18:13)? 4   Do you repeat yourself over and over to force your opinions and your point of view

(Matt. 6:7)? 4   Do you dominate a conversation by the number of words you use to attempt to

overpower your mate's point of view (Matt. 6:7)?

4   Do you point out your mate's faults before you confess your own (Matt. 7:5)? 4   Do you shift the blame to someone else or to other circumstances when your faults are

revealed (Gen. 3:9-13)? 4   Do you neglect to set time aside to communicate with your spouse (Song of Solomon

2:10-14)?

4   Do you bring up your mate's past failures to win an argument (Phil. 3:13) (Heb. 8:12)? 4   Do you explode in anger to manipulate and control the conversation (Prov. 16:32)? 4   Do you refuse to listen because of the rage inside your heart (James 1:19-20)? 4   Do you refuse to listen because of your stubborn pride (Acts 15:36-39)? 4   Do you provoke your spouse to anger in order that you might have a reason to blame

your mate due to their lack of self-control (Prov. 20:2)?

III. Steps to resolving your communication problems

1. In order of severity, list the problems that you struggle with in your communication. (Refer to sections on your attitude, your words, and your actions to help identify specific areas)

Husband

Wife

2. Now ask your mate for his or her forgiveness for each of your faults and failures.

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3. Now that you've identified these problem areas in your communication, list some practical ways in which you can make specific changes.

Husband

t

6 6

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How To Love In A Biblical Way

I.  Why Should You Love?

*    Love fulfills the Law of God (Rom. 13:10).

4   Love is proof you have been born of God (1 John 4:7).

*       Love is the proof of maturity in Christ (Col. 3:14).

*       Loving others will please God (1 Thess. 3:12-4:1).

II.  How Should You Love?

+   You should give yourself sacrificially (Eph. 5:25) (1 John 3:16) (John 15:13). 4   You should be a servant (Gal. 5:13).

*       You should give those you love freedom to make their own choices, not forcing your will
upon them, even as the Lord doesn't force His will upon you (Rev. 22:17) (John 6:15) (2
Sam. 13:12).

*       You will forgive much (Luke 7:47) (1 John 4:20) (1 Peter 4:8).

*       You will look for ways to give to others (2 Chron. 16:9).

*       You will correct your loved ones when you see evil and wrongdoing (Heb. 12:6) (Rev.
3:19)

*       You will love the Lord more than you love your spouse (John 21:15) (1 John 5:12).

*       You will give your loved one's needs preference over your own (Rom. 12:10).

*       You won't do anything to harm another in any way (Rom. 13:10).

*       You won't cause others to stumble by your attitudes or actions (Rom. 14:1).

*       You will seek to build others up by your attitudes and actions (1 Cor. 8:1).

*    You will seek to communicate your love (2 Cor. 2:4).

4   You will reaffirm your love after reconciliation with them (2 Cor. 2:8). 4   You will prove your love by action (2 Cor. 8:24).

*       You will care for others as you do yourself (Eph 5:28).

*       You will make knowledgeable and wise choices that have your loved one's best interest
in mind (Phil. 1:9).

*       You will comfort others when they are in need (Phil. 2:1).

*       You will seek unity and to be knit together in love (Col. 2:2).

*       You will resist the temptation to violate God's commands that might in any way hurt or
offend others (James 1:12).

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*       You will be tenderhearted and courteous (1 Peter 3:8).

*       You will take action when there are obvious needs that you can meet (1 John 3:18).

*       You won't try to manipulate with fear (1 John 4:18).

*       You will be longsuffering (1 Cor. 13:4).

*       You won't envy others (1 Cor. 13:4).

*   You won't think yourself better than others (1 Cor 13:4).
«   You won't be rude (1 Cor 13:5).

+  You won't be selfish (1 Cor. 13:5).

*       You won't hold resentment and bitterness (1 Cor 13:5).

*       You will be trustful (1 Cor. 13:7).

*       You will hope for change when your trust has been violated (1 Cor. 13:7).

*       You will endure when the change doesn't come instantly (1 Cor. 13:7).

*       You will hold others accountable as God holds you accountable (Rom. 14:12).

Important note: Not all people will receive your love, even if you love them in this manner. You must always remember that men rejected the love of Christ when He reached out to them in the above manner. Some may reject your love as well (John 15:20).

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Parti Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in the Lord

If you want help growing together in your marriage you must begin with the most important key to growth. Simply, pursue a deeper personal relationship with the Lord.

I.   Why is Growth in the Lord so Important?

A. The central issue in every marriage problem is a spiritual one. When unforgiveness,
criticism, lying, or uncontrolled anger reigns in your life, you must admit that there is a
spiritual problem. Christ is not reigning in your life; self reigns. In the book of
Philippians, Paul explains how to be like-minded and love one another. He teaches that
being like-minded comes from the fellowship of the Holy Spirit and becoming Christ-like.
This occurs as you allow God to work in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure
(Phil. 2:1-13).

B.  Your relationship with the Lord is what gives you the correct motivation to please Him (1
Thess. 4:1). If you are in love with the Lord, you are naturally motivated to obey Him in
your relationship with your spouse and to behave in a manner which will draw you and
your mate closer together (John 14:15).

C.  Your relationship with the Lord is the primary example for how to relate to your spouse.
Husbands love "as Christ also loved." "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord." "Submit one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21-22,25).

D. Your relationship with your spouse will only be as close as your relationship with the
Lord. As you grow in love towards God, you naturally grow in love with your mate (1
John 4:20-21) (Matt. 22:37).

E.  Only as you walk in the Spirit will you have the power to walk contrary to your selfish
and lustful desires (Gal. 5:16-17). You will fail apart from the power of God. It's only by
His power that you can sacrificially love and give to another. Jesus said, "Without me,
you can do nothing" (John 15:5).

F.  As you grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ, this will keep you from falling from
the steadfastness of your commitment to God and your marriage vows (2 Pet. 3:17-18).

G. As you seek the Lord you will experience real life in Christ (Amos 5:6). This keeps you
from seeking life from your spouse or from anything else.

H. Marriage is a gift of God to you (1 Cor. 7:7,17). God has given your spouse to you as a gift. You are responsible to care for, protect, and meet his or her needs. One day you will have to account to God for how you treated your spouse (Matt. 25:40).

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II.  Marriage Examples

A. Adam and Eve disobeyed God and the result was personal sorrow and toil (Gen. 3:16-19).
Adam and Eve's choice to disobey resulted in sin entering the world, which passed sin on
to the entire human race. Sin resulted in the discord between their children and eventually
led one to murder the other.

B. Solomon disobeyed God by marrying many foreign wives who practiced idolatry and his
heart turned away from God (1 Kings 11:1-3).

C. Priscilla and Aquila faithfully served the Lord together and were richly blessed in their
personal lives (Rom. 16:3-4) (Acts 18:24-28) (1 Cor. 16:19). Notice that they heartily
greeted others in Christ. The word heartily means to welcome and embrace others in love.
Obviously, as this couple kept Christ first in their lives the result was also God's fullness
of blessing on their marriage.

III. How Can You Grow in the Lord Individually?

A. Choose to fully surrender and present your life to God (Rom. 12:1-2).

B. Choose to seek Him first (Matt. 6:33).

C. Choose to deny your selfish desires; to follow and serve Him (Matt. 16:24).

D. Ask God for a hunger and desire to study and obey His Word (1 Pet. 2:2) (John 8:31-32).

E.  Begin seeking Him in prayer (John 16:23-24).

F.  Attend church regularly, so that you might be taught the Word of God (Acts 11:26).

G. Find a place of service in the Body of Christ, so that you can be knit together with others
and grow in Him (Col. 2:2,19).

H. Begin sharing your faith with others who don't know Christ. Share what good things He's done for you (Mark 5:19).

IV. How Can You Grow Spiritually with Your Spouse?

A. Pray together on a regular basis (1 Pet. 3:7). This naturally draws you together over
spiritual things.

B. Take time out daily to share spiritual things with one another. Example: What did God
teach you in your devotions today? What needs do you have? What victories did you
have?

C. Find a place of service in the Body that you can do together (Acts 18:24-28) (1 Cor.
16:19). Teach Sunday school together, have a small group fellowship in your home,
invite someone over to your home so that you might evangelize them together, or usher
and greet others at church services.

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Part 2 Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in Companionship

I. What is God's Purpose for Marriage?

The most fundamental purpose for marriage is companionship. God desires that you become the spiritual, intellectual, emotional and sexual companion to your mate. In the beginning God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). Therefore, He created marriage as His solution to aloneness. He brought you together with a person who could be your helper. The Hebrew words are very descriptive. The word helper means one who surrounds, protects, aids and helps another. Comparable means one who is a counterpart, the other side, a part corresponding, or a mate. God wants to make you a matched pair that will truly meet the needs of one another. He wants you to be a companion and friend with a depth of intimacy that supports and builds your relationship. He desires you to become one with your spouse (Matt. 19:5-6).

II. What is the Basis of This Companionship?

In the Old Testament there are two places God warns against unfaithfulness and divorce. Notice the reasons He gives: (1.) This is forsaking the companion of your youth and forgetting the covenant you've made (Prov. 2:17). (2.) This would be to deal treacherously with your companion and wife by covenant (Mai. 2:14-15). Why is this covenant so important?

A. This commitment to one another is the basis of any stable relationship. God says, "I will
never leave you nor forsake you. So we may boldly say; The Lord is my helper; I will not
fear. What can man do to me?" (Heb. 13:5-6) God's covenant to never leave you assures
you of His commitment to be your helper in difficult times. In like manner, your covenant
with your spouse gives them assurance that you are committed to being his or her helper
for life; committed to being a companion through thick and thin.

B. This assurance of commitment provides a safe atmosphere in which to freely share your
deepest needs and fears.

III. How Can You Grow in Your Companionship?

A. Grow in your commitment and walk with Christ. Remember what you previously read
concerning growing in the Lord.

B. Ask your spouse how you can meet his or her needs for companionship. Ask for specific
examples.

C. Take action upon your mate's answers. Concentrate on your responsibilities first.
"Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the
Prophets" (Matt. 7:12).

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D. Express your commitment to your partner, not your threat of divorce (Heb. 13:5). If you

have threatened divorce, ask forgiveness for disobeying your covenant commitment before God.

E. Resolve any issues between you where you have failed to meet your spouse's needs of
companionship; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually (Eph. 4:26).

F.  Pray together (1 Peter 3:7).

G. Spend time with one another (Song of Solomon 7:11-12 and 2:10-14).

H. Set time aside to regularly communicate. Make all things known to your friend and lover (John 15:15).

c e:

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Part 3 Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in Harmony

When two people marry they have been drawn together by many common interests, desires, and goals. Yet, at the same time they are two different people. They have different backgrounds and family histories. Their personalities and temperaments are also very different. This naturally creates many conflicts and the need for adjustments in order to bring harmony and deeper companionship. What does it require to bring about harmony in a marriage relationship?

I. The Right Goals

A. First, you need to aim at agreement with your mate. To understand the importance of
agreement in your marriage, you must first realize that this is God's goal for you. He wants
to bring you into agreement with Himself.

Notice these examples:

1. You can't walk with Him without coming into an agreement with Him (Amos 3:3).

2.     You must confess (to agree with Him over) your sin (1 John 1:9). This brings you into
relationship with Him.

3.     God also wants you to find agreement with one another.

a. You must agree with your adversaries (Matt. 5:25).

b. You must agree with other Christians when you pray (Matt. 18:19).

c. This agreement is essential if you are to pray with your spouse (1 Pet. 3:7).

This all relates to your marriage relationship. Paul said that marriage functions best as the relationship does between Christ and His Church (Eph. 5:32). If agreement is essential with Christ, then agreement is a must with your spouse as well. This means that you can't do whatever you please anymore. You can't live like you're single while married. You are in a one-flesh relationship now. You must seek agreement with your mate or you will have great discord.

B. To find agreement you must find a compromise. This never refers to compromise over
moral issues. This is clearly forbidden in Scripture (2 Cor. 6:16) (Eph. 5:11) (Rom. 12:21)
(Rom. 13:14). Yet, over the many issues such as when, where, how, or if you will take an
action, you must find compromise. Over all non-moral issues God gives every man the
right to choose what's best for himself and what would best build up another (Rom.
14:5,19). Compromise is to find an agreement by making a concession.

1. How has God compromised with you?

a. His death on the cross was His concession of grace to you. He worked out another plan to save you instead of sending you to hell (Rom. 3:23-24) (John 3:16).

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b. His patience and long-suffering is also His concession of grace (2 Pet. 3:9).

2. How can you compromise?

a.  By denying yourself as Jesus did (Matt. 16:24).

b. By being willing to give as Jesus did.

3. Notice these Biblical examples of how people in the early church found compromise.

a. The Church worked out a compromise of ministering to the Greek widows (Acts 6:1-
5). This agreement pleased them all.

b. The Church worked out a compromise over the non-essential issue of circumcision
(Acts 15:19-21). They eventually all agreed on this solution.

c. Paul didn't want any controversy over Timothy being a Greek, so he circumcised him
to avoid conflict (Acts 16:3). Timothy must have agreed to this action.

C. Last, you need acceptance.

When you have compromised all that you can in a situation, then you must accept the situation as it is. There are some things in marriage that are only going to change so much. For example, a person's basic personality (outgoing or reserved), one's likes and dislikes (hate to go shopping or really enjoys sports), his or her high sexual drive or lack thereof.

1. Does God accept things the way they are?

a. He accepts you in Christ even though you have faults and disobey (Eph. 1:6). He
does this because He sees your heart of faith, and that the practice of your life is to
follow after righteousness (1 John 3:20) (Luke 7:50).

b. He accepts you by not condemning you (Rom. 8:1).

c. He accepts you by promising never to leave you (Heb. 13:5).
II. The Right Motives

A. Your purpose in taking these steps must be to please God (1 Thess. 4:1). Ask yourself if
your action or lack of action toward your spouse is pleasing to God. If your goal is to
please Him, you will take all the above actions.

B. Second, are you motivated by love for your spouse? If your desire is to truly please God,
then His love should be what motivates you (1 John 4:7-8). In all that you do, you want to
demonstrate His love for your mate.

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III. The Right Attitudes

In the book of Ephesians Paul gives essential instruction on how the Body of Christ can walk together in harmony and unity. He explains how to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. It must begin with the attitude of lowliness, gentleness, long-suffering, and bearing with one another in love (Eph. 4:1-3). This is how the unity of a marriage is kept as well. Without these correct attitudes you will only express criticism, resentment, harsh words, and stubborn resistance.

IV. The Right Actions

The right actions will be taken when you have the right goals, motives, and attitudes. What actions should you take to promote harmony between you?

A. Restrain and control your anger (Prov. 14:29) (Prov. 16:32).

B. Seek to listen more than be heard (James 1:19) (Prov. 18:13).

C. Confess your fault first (Matt. 7:5) (James 5:16).

D. Then discuss your partner's fault (Matt. 18:15).

E.  Deal with the problem as quickly as possible (Matt. 5:25) (Eph 4:26).

F.  Verbally ask forgiveness for your offense. Grant your spouse forgiveness verbally (Luke

17:1-4) (Mark 11:25-26).

G. After forgiveness is granted, then take action to comfort and reaffirm your love. You

must reestablish your relationship with your loved one (2 Cor. 2:7-8). This is the fruit of true forgiveness.

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Part 4 Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in Communication

To achieve real harmony in any marriage good communication is a must. If communication has broken down it is usually because of unresolved conflicts and a slow drifting apart, coupled with sinful attitudes and actions. You must concentrate on changing this pattern. Unless you address these problems and begin developing better communication you will continue drifting apart and more conflicts will result. These unresolved conflicts create a snow-balling effect that will ultimately destroy the marriage. Wherever you find a failed marriage, a communication breakdown is always one of the root problems. Likewise, whenever you find a successful marriage good communication is always at the heart of that union.

I.   What Happens When You Don't Communicate?

A. You can't see both sides of an issue (Prov. 18:17).

B. Your conflicts go unresolved (Matt. 18:15).

C. Discontentment and frustration develop. Wrong ideas and wrong information go

uncorrected.

D. You make bad decisions (Prov. 18:13).

E. You can't come to agreement over issues (Amos 3:3).

F.  Greater problems will always be the result of the lack of communication (Matt. 5:23-25).

II. In What Ways Can You Communicate?

A. Communication on a cliche level such as: Hi, or how's it going?

B. Casual communication: Facts or information about the day.

C. Giving encouragement or support over a problem.

D. Sharing your ideas, opinions, feelings or judgments.

E.  Decision-making or planning a future event.

F.  Giving instruction, correction, or reproof over an issue.

G. Sharing your hurts, fears, hopes or goals.

III. What Helps You to Have Good Communication?

A.  Speaking in a loving manner (Eph. 4:15).

B.  Speaking words that build up (Eph. 4:29).

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C. Being kind and forgiving (Eph. 4:32) (Prov. 31:26).

D. Guarding what you say and how you say it (Psalms 141:3).

E.  Learning to be sensitive to the Lord and speak the right thing at the right time (Isaiah 50:4)
(Prov. 15:23).

F.  Speaking softly (Hebrew = tenderly) (Prov. 15:1) (Prov. 25:15).

G. Thinking before you speak (Prov. 15:28).

H. Stopping the contention before it starts (Prov. 17:14) (Prov. 29:11).

I. Asking in a humble way (Prov. 18:23).

J. Being sure you know all the facts before you speak (Prov. 20:15).

K. Not speaking to others about a conflict before you have first spoken to your spouse (Prov. 25:9-10).

L. Respecting and honoring the other's opinions and feelings (Rom. 13:7). M. Being loving, respectful and understanding (Eph. 5:33) (1 Pet. 3:7).

N. Having such an intoxicating sexual relationship that another person's tempting words or actions will have no power over your spouse (Prov. 5:3, 18-20).

0. Praising one another (Prov. 31:28).
IV. What Hinders Your Communication?

A. Explosive anger (James 1:19-20) (Prov. 12:16).

B. Hardness of heart (Heb. 3:13).

C. Lying (Eph. 4:25) (Col. 3:9).

D. Letting the day close without resolving conflicts (Eph. 4:28).

E.  Speaking bitterly in anger (Eph. 4:31).

F.  Swearing or using filthy language (Col. 3:8).

G. Speaking cutting words of contempt or criticism (Prov. 12:18) (Prov. 15:1).
H. Digging up things from the past (Prov. 16:27).

1. Wanting to express only your own ideas (Prov. 18:2).
J. Not being willing to listen (Prov. 18:13).

K. Arrogance (Prov. 27:2).

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L. Hasty words (Prov. 29:20).

M. Turning your back and refusing to talk (Luke 15:25-28) (Acts 7:57).

N. Interrupting or finishing your mate's sentences (Prov. 18:13).

O. Refusing to confess your own faults and shifting blame to your spouse (Matt. 7:5) (Gen. 3:9-13).

V. Practical Suggestions on How to Maintain Good Communication

A. Take time out daily to talk with one another over the really important things of your day.

B. Express your love verbally.

C. Express your love in non-verbal ways. (Be willing to just be with them or be helpful.)

D. Express your love visually (a wink or a smile).

E.  Express your love physically (touching, hugging, kissing, and regular sexual relations).

F.  Give and speak to your loved one as you would like to be given and spoken to (Matt. 7:12).

G. Solve problems one at a time, on a daily basis (Matt. 6:34) (Eph. 4:26). Don't allow
conflicts to build one upon another.

H. Take responsibility for your own emotions, attitudes, actions, and words. If you got angry at your spouse and said harsh things, and now you're depressed because you haven't resolved these issues, this is your problem, not your mate's (Job. 42:5-6) (Matt. 7:5).

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Parts Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in Your Responsibilities

What is your God-given responsibility as a husband? What is your responsibility as a wife? These are important questions you must address if you desire success in your marital relationship. God has called both partners to fulfill a complimentary position to each other that brings order and balance to the relationship. Only as you understand, accept, and fulfill your responsibility will you find the marital harmony and companionship you desire.

I. What is God asking both partners to do?

A.  Submit one to another (Eph. 5:21).

The word submit in Greek means to subdue, subordinate, or make subject to another. But, what must you subdue or subordinate? Yourself! You must subdue your selfish desires and be willing to give to your companion. This is achieved by the Holy Spirit subduing your sinful nature (Rom. 8:13). The unwillingness to subordinate yourself is what drives couples apart. Unselfish giving will always draw you together.

B.  Submit to God

Second, God is asking you to submit to one another because of your submission and reverence for Him. Paul declares, "submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). If you're in a right relationship with God, then you naturally want to do what pleases Him. This desire to please God will naturally encourage you to seek a right relationship with your spouse and take whatever action God commands to bring this about.

II.What is God specifically asking wives to do?

A. Submit to your husbands 1. Why must you do this?

a. Because this is God's command (Eph. 5:22).

b. Because the husband is the head of his wife and family (Eph. 5:23). What does this
mean? The word head is used here metaphorically, describing the husband's position
of authority in reference to his wife and family. Similarly, the Father is the head of
Christ and Christ is the head of His Church (1 Cor. 11:3) (Eph. 1:22).

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2. Why is this truth important?

a.  Submission of the wife to the husband brings order to the family. As your physical
body can only function with one head, so the family can only have one head. This is
true for any business or organization. It is true even within the Trinity. The Father is
the authority of the Son and the Spirit (1 Cor. 11:3).

b. It ensures clear definable responsibilities. There will be no duplication of effort, and
each will know what he or she is supposed to do in the family. This is the purpose for
Paul's explanation of the entire passage in Ephesians 5:21-33.

c.  It frees the relationship from the power struggle of who is in control. If both husband
and wife are submitting to God and submitting to and serving one another there will
be harmony in their marriage.

3. What submission does not mean.

a.  Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a slave who never opens her mouth
or never gives her opinion or counsel (Gen. 21:8-12) (Prov. 31:10-31) (Acts 18:26)
(Judges 13:21-23).

b. Submission does not mean that a wife is inferior to her husband. The Scripture
everywhere affirms a woman's equality with her husband, and a woman with a man
(Gal. 3:28) (1 Pet. 3:7). Jesus is equal with the Father, yet in submission to Him
(John 5:23). By nature Jesus was superior to His earthly father and mother yet He
submitted Himself to them (Luke 2:51).

c.  Submission does not mean that a wife is to submit without limitations. She must only
submit "as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). If her husband asks her to do
something which violates Scripture or her conscience before God, she must obey God
rather than man (Acts 5:28-29) (Rom. 14:21) (Acts 24:16).

d. The ultimate model for the submission of a wife is the church.  "Just as the Church is
subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything " (Eph.
5:24). A wife must only ask herself, "Would Jesus ask me to do this? If He did,
would I submit to Him"?

4. What submission does mean.

a. First, submission is an attitude of love, respect, and gentleness (Eph. 5:33).
Submission is simply an attitude that results from the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22).

b. Submission means you willingly accept the authority that God has given your
husband over your family (Gen. 3:16).

c. Submission means you must subdue your desire to control your husband and
manipulate him to do your will.

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III. What is God specifically asking husbands to do?

A. Love your wives

1. Why must you do this?

a. Love is God's command (Eph. 5:25).

b. This is the only kind of man a woman will submit to. In fact, it is easy for a wife to
submit to someone who sacrificially gives himself and denies himself for her (Eph.
5:25).

c. To love your wife like this you must subdue your own selfish desires to be served.
You are called to be the head servant (John 13:1-20).

B.  Lead, manage and care for your wife's needs
1. Why must you do this?

a. Paul taught that men were to rule their own homes well (1 Tim. 3:5). The word rule
means to lead, manage, care for, or attend to the needs of his wife and family.

b. You have been called to be the loving servant leader in your home. To do this well
you must give yourself whole-heartedly to this calling (1 Tim. 3:4-5,12).

c. Headship is the responsibility to lead by action and example as Jesus did. Jesus said,

"Follow Me " (Matt. 16:24). "I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you " (John 13:15).

C.  Minister Spiritually to Your Wife

1. Why must you do this?

a. Jesus ministered the Word to His bride the church (Eph. 5:26-27).

b. Jesus gave spiritual leadership, counsel, prayer, and encouragement to His disciples.
Likewise, a husband must take the spiritual leadership in his home to do the same.

c. In a practical sense this would mean you must take responsibility to be an example in
your own spiritual life. You are an example in your general walk, witness,
devotions, church attendance, and prayer with and for the family.

D.  Provide for, nourish, and cherish your wife as your own flesh (Eph. 5:28-29).

1. Why must you do this?

a.    A one-flesh relationship demands this action. If you take care of your own body,
then you must take care of, and be sensitive to your wife's needs.

b. To be insensitive or unwilling to meet her needs is to deny her the love and care you
show to yourself. This is selfishness!

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E. What headship does not mean

1. A husband who forces his will upon his wife is acting as a dictator. This would be
living contrary to his servant leader position. Jesus never forced His will upon His
disciples, nor does He force His will upon you. Love never forces its own way (1 Cor.
13:7) (James 3:17).

2.    A husband following God's plan does not try to control his wife's personal choices or
decisions. He is only responsible for the general moral and spiritual direction of his
wife; not every detail of her life (Rom. 14:5). Headship is not the right to control your
wife or to tell her what to do, what to wear, or who her friends should be, but headship
is the responsibility to initiate and lead the relationship in a godly direction. Jesus, as
our head, initiated our entire salvation by humbling Himself and taking the form of a
servant (1 John 4:19).

3.    A husband does not make decisions independent of his wife's feelings and desires. He
is sensitive to ask for and respond to her input on all issues. A man would never be
insensitive to the hurts and feelings of his own body, neither should he be to the needs
of his wife (Eph. 5:28-29).

4.    The ultimate model for the headship of a husband is Jesus Christ.  "Husbands, love
your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it" (Eph. 5:25).
A husband must only ask himself, would Jesus act this way toward me? If He did, how
would I react?

The big question men always ask is, What should I do when my wife and I disagree? If this disagreement is over a nonmoral or a nonbiblical issue, no action should be taken until agreement is found. You should devote more time to discussion and prayer with your mate. My example for this counsel is Jesus. As the Head of the church He waits until His children come into agreement with Him. He never forces His will upon them. The best example of this action is with the forgiveness of sin. God waits till His children come and confess their sin before He grants it. The word confess means to agree with. He doesn't force any person to receive His forgiveness, but He counsels them to repent and then waits for them to respond. Likewise, a husband should never force his will upon his wife. This is not biblical headship. The only exception to this principle is when one spouse is disobeying clear moral or biblical commands. In such cases, the obedient spouse (husband or wife) has a higher responsibility to obey God and not submit to evil. It is essential that you please God without regard to what the disobedient partner chooses to do.

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Part 6 Growing Together In Your Marriage

Growing in Your Sexual Relationship

Sex occupies a small fraction of your time together in a marriage, yet it has a very important place and influence over your entire relationship. A good sexual relationship is fundamental to a good marital relationship.

I. Why did God Create Sex?

A. Sex was designed to enable you to express your love and affection to your spouse in the
most intimate way possible. "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and
likewise also the wife to her husband"(\ Cor. 7:3). The wife of Solomon said, "By night
on my bed I sought the one I love" (Song of Solomon 3:1).

B. God designed sex to be a mutually satisfying and pleasurable experience. "Let her breasts
satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured (intoxicated) with her love" (Prov.
5:19). The Shulamite describes her lovemaking with Solomon as that which sustained
and refreshed her (Song of Solomon 2:5). Remember it was God who created you with
the ability to experience pleasure in the marriage bed. Sex is not dirty or unholy in any
respect. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled (pure) " (Heb. 13:4).

C. He designed sex to bring forth children: "Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and
bore Cain" (Gen. 4:1). Yet this is not the primary purpose of your sexual union. If it was,
you would produce children every time you had sexual relations. Sex is an expression of
your love for one another which ultimately produces the fruit of children.

D. He wanted you to have an intimacy of knowledge that can occur no other way: "Adam
knew Eve his wife" (Gen. 4:1).

E.  He wanted to create a oneness between a man and his wife that they would have with no
one else: "...and they shall become one flesh " (Gen. 2:24).   Sex produces a spiritual,
emotional and physical oneness between you and your spouse.

F.  God designed sex for marriage to keep you from sexual immorality: "Because of sexual
immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband"
(1 Cor. 7:2). A good sexual relationship with your spouse is the best protection against
sexual temptation and adultery in your marriage. This is the clear intent of Solomon's
exhortation to have a satisfying sexual relationship with your spouse. He said, "As a
loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be
enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral
woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress? " (Prov. 5:19-20). This passage
should be a real encouragement to work just as hard in this area of your marriage as you
do in any other.

II. What Causes Sexual Problems and Destroys Sexual Passion Between a Husband and Wife?

It is not uncommon for couples to have difficulties in their sexual relationship. However, you can avoid many troubles by heeding the counsel given in God's Word concerning your sexual relationship. Therefore, consider some of these causes for sexual problems in the marital union.

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A. You can experience sexual problems simply because of a lack of a close personal walk
with Christ. When you lack intimacy with God it is very difficult to have real intimacy
with your spouse on any level. You can't give what you don't have. It takes more than the
physical act of sex to have intimacy with your partner. True intimacy requires a loving
heart that has been opened to God, one that is willing to sacrificially give and care for
another person more than oneself.

B. Sexual problems can occur because of unresolved conflicts with your spouse. When you
have underlying resentments in your heart it is very difficult to express or receive love
from your mate. Love and resentment can't come out of the same fountain. "Does a spring
send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? " (James 3:11). Therefore, don't
expect to experience good sexual relations when you are failing to resolve your conflicts
with one another.

C. Sexual problems can occur when there is a lack of understanding of the practical
mechanics of sex. You must learn what is pleasurable to your spouse and what is not. This
takes good communication, loving sensitivity, and time.

D. Sexual problems can occur when there have been past hurtful experiences that have
remained unresolved. If you or your mate has been sexually abused or raped as a child or
an adult, and the incident is unresolved in your heart, these issues can cause great
difficulty in your sexual and marital relationship. These issues can and need to be resolved
before God. Please seek further counsel from your pastor or women's leadership within
your church. In addition, you may access another resource from our web site entitled How
to deal with past abuse at www.calvaryag.org .

E.  Sexual problems can occur because of pain due to physical injury or past surgeries. See
your doctor for help in these cases.

F.  Sexual problems can occur because of selfishness. An unwillingness to give love in this
area of the marriage will naturally cause conflicts. Sacrificial love is the only solution for
selfishness.

G.  Sexual problems can occur when you defraud your partner (1 Cor. 7:5).

H. Sexual problems can occur when either partner uses sex as a weapon to punish the other.

I. Sexual problems can occur if you belittle the other's sexual abilities. You must learn to address your sexual problems with respect and gentleness.

J. Sexual problems can occur if you allow sex to become routine. Routine is death to the excitement and the intoxication that God intended when He created sex. Don't fall into this trap. Be spontaneous.

K. Sexual problems can occur because you are not resolving some sexual dissatisfaction. Talk about the problems. Does your spouse even know that you are unsatisfied? If you can't work it out together, get counseling. Don't let the problems go on and on. It will only get worse.

L. Sexual problems can occur because of a general lack of closeness due to a lack of communication, spiritual agreement, or emotional support.

M. Sexual problems can occur because of medications that can cause impotence or loss of desire in both men and women. Every person reacts differently to medications so this is not an absolute, but it is important to have this information in case a problem arises.

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According to Indiana University's Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction these are the medications to check. Are you taking any of the following?

1. Birth control pills? Any medication containing the female hormone progestin can
change your sexual desire.

2.     Tranquilizers or sedatives? (Xanax, Valium, Librium, Halcion)

3.     Anti-depressants? (Prozac, Elavil)

4.     Blood pressure medications? (Inderal, Aldomet, Catapres)

5.     Ulcer drugs? (Tagamet, Zantac)

6.     Appetite suppressants?

7.     Migraine medications? (Propranolol)

8.     Steroids? (Prednisone)

9.     Antipsychotic medications? (Thorazine, Haldol, Mellaril, Stelazine, Lithium)

10.   Anticonvulsant medications used for epilepsy?

11.   Antihistamine or decongestant medications for the common cold?

If you are taking any of these medications and are having sexual problems, consult your doctor before discontinuing use.

III. What are Some Practical Ways to Help You Grow in Your Sexual Relationship?

A. Understand that your body is not your own. Do you understand that you gave up the right
to your body when you married your spouse? "The wife does not have authority over her
own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over
his own body, but the wife does"(I Cor. 7:4). This is an essential beginning point for any
discussion on this subject.

B. Understand that to refuse sexual relations to your spouse without his or her consent is sin.
This is because you are defrauding your loved one of his or her right to your body. "Do
not deprive one another except with consent..." (1 Cor. 7:5). Remember that on your
wedding day you vowed before God to meet your mate's needs in every way, including
sexually. On the other hand, this does not mean you have to make love whenever your
spouse approaches you. It is appropriate when you are tired or sick, to ask if you can wait
until the next night. Hopefully, your spouse will lovingly consent in these circumstances.

C. Understand your differences hormonally. One of you may have a very high sexual drive;
the other may not. If your spouse has the high sexual drive this does not mean that he or
she just wants you for sex. Likewise, if your spouse has a lack of sexual drive this does
not mean he or she doesn't love you. In either case, both parties usually question the
other's love. It is not a question of how much love is involved, but the level of hormones
that is flowing through his or her blood stream.

D. Understand that love is the only solution to any sexual problem. If you love your spouse
you will seek to meet his or her need no matter what your desire is. Love goes beyond
feelings and drives. The bottom line is this: if you are forcing your will upon your spouse
you are not loving. Likewise, if you are not meeting your mate's sexual needs you are not
acting in love. Love will always give.

E.  To understand each other you must communicate about your needs. When there is
dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship it is usually because people won't talk about the
problems.

F.  Understanding in this area also comes from study. Read Christian books together on this
subject. Some suggestions are: The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye or Intended for
Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat.

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Part? Growing Together In Your Marriage

Dealing With Your In-laws

Your parents have a very prominent place in your life because they have raised you and taught you many things throughout your lifetime. They love you and you love them. Yet because of your marriage, your relationship with your parents must change radically.

I. How Will Your Relationship Be Changed?

A. Your relationship will now be based on the principle taught in Genesis 2:24. "Therefore a

man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." The Hebrew word for leave means to forsake, leave off, or refuse. This means that a man or woman who marries should forsake the controlling ties of his previous family and establish a new family unit. The Hebrew word for joined means to stick like glue, cleaves to, or to pursue closely. The overall point of this passage is to show couples that the purpose of their new marriage is to establish a new and independent family that is separate from their previous one. Genesis 2:24 is also quoted by Jesus in the New Testament in Matthew 19:5. This passage clearly indicates that the leave and join principle is to be applied to all marriages in general.

B.  The chain of command in a family should be as follows: both husband and wife are to
submit themselves to Christ as their head, the wife should acknowledge her husband as
her head, and the children should submit to their parents. "The head of every man is
Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God"(l Cor. 11:3). The in-
laws should now take a secondary place to the marital relationship of this new family.

C.  What about honoring your father and mother? First, this command is primarily an

exhortation to children growing up in the home. Children are to respect and obey their parents. We should also continue to respect and honor our parents, but in a new context. We must show an attitude of love and respect, but this will in no way have anything to do with decision making or control of this new family. Honoring your parents must be taken in the context of the Genesis 2:24 principle.

II. What Happens When You Allow Your Parents to Interfere and Control the Decision-
Making Within Your Marriage?

A. Your spouse will feel betrayed and will think you are more interested and concerned with
what your parents think than you are about his or her concerns. This is a failure to honor
your spouse (1 Peter 3:7). The word honor in this context means to value or to esteem as
precious. Both a husband and a wife must show this supreme honor to one another above
all other individuals. Therefore, this question of honor is ultimately an issue of who is to
be honored first. Again, the Genesis 2:24 principle must take precedence here.

B.  If this principle is violated a wall will begin to be built between you and your spouse
because of this failure to honor them. Unless this sin is acknowledged and resolved it will
continue to divide you. Many other conflicts will result simply because your spouse
won't believe in your love. Your spouse must become the priority of your life if this issue
is ever to be fully resolved.

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III. How Should You Handle Conflicts With Your In-laws?

A. You should follow all the basic principles laid out in Scripture that deal with how to
resolve conflicts (Matt. 18:15) (Mark 11:25,26) (Matt. 5:25) (Matt. 7:5).

B. It is usually best to have the blood relation initiate the conversation regarding a conflict
with his or her own parent, one on one. If it is a conflict with your spouse and your
parents, it is good for you to be present and initiate the conversation to seek reconciliation.
This shows the parents that you are united with your spouse in desiring to see this problem
resolved.

IV.  Some Dos and Don'ts

A. Don't share your personal marital conflicts with your parents. Your spouse will see this
as an invasion of your marriage covenant. If these personal issues are shared with your
parents it is very easy for your spouse to begin to think that your parents are angry with
them, or are taking sides in the dispute. This will alienate all parties concerned. It is best
to get some objective outside counsel that will be kept confidential.

B. Don't allow your parents to verbally belittle or put your mate down. You must reprove
your parents if this occurs.

C.  Don't allow your parents to dictate or interfere with how you are raising your children.
Ask their advise if you desire, but you and your spouse must agree together how this
should be done. If your parents give you any unsolicited advise, here is an example of
how to respond to them. This response will not offend them, but will help them to see the
new relationship that exists. Say, "Thank you for your advice and concern. I will discuss
your ideas with my (husband or wife) and we will let you know what we've decided."
This kind of a response establishes the separation that exists between you and assures your
spouse that he or she is first in your eyes.

D. Don't allow them to interfere or control any internal aspect of your marriage. Use the
above response for any issue that comes up.

E.  Do communicate your commitment and concern that your spouse be respected as your top
priority, and voice your desire to never offend your spouse over any issue. This again
helps your parents to understand the new relationship that exists.

F.  At the same time do communicate to your parents your continued love and respect for
them and their sacrifices in raising you all these years. This is what parents need to know
and hear from their children.

G. Do make sure that you spend adequate time with your in-laws on special occasions so
they will not feel put out of your life. The only exception is if your in-laws are controlling
and manipulating to the point that conflicts arise which are not being reconciled. If your
in-laws refuse to deal with these issues and refuse to treat you as an adult with a life of
your own, you may have to see them very little, or in extreme cases not at all.

2-43

Pre-Marital Counseling

I. The importance of pre-marital counseling

Premarital counseling gives:

A. An understanding of their responsibilities from the Word. Most couples that come for pre­
marital counseling have very little understanding of the biblical requirements and
responsibilities that a Christian marriage necessitates. For most couples, the pre-marital
counseling that you give them will be an eye-opening experience that should instruct and
encourage them greatly. They will come to realize that a successful marital relationship
will require great personal growth in their own lives, major changes in their personal
habits, a complete readjustment from a self oriented live-style to finding common ground
with another, and sacrificial giving such as they have never known before. Your job as the
counselor is to prepare this couple, as best you can, for the many changes that lie ahead.

B. Realistic expectations. One of the most important results of pre-marital counseling is it
allows both individuals to obtain realistic expectations for what's ahead. You will find
couples that think that they will never argue in marriage because they are so in love at that
moment, couples that have never thought about preparing a budget to organize their
finances, or that they will ever have a problem with their in-laws. Again, your
responsibility as a counselor is to give them a realistic view of what a real marriage is like.
This will require you to give some real life examples from your own marriage and others
from couples you have previously counseled. If you fail to give this couple realistic
expectations about what they surely will experience once they say, "I do," they are in real
danger of becoming disheartened when the trials begin to come. Rather, they need to be
fully prepared for the challenges that lie ahead with possible solutions so they can say to
each other, "This is just what our pre-marital counselor told us would happen."

C. Insight concerning key problems. With each couple that I counsel, I look for the key
issues where they may possibly develop serious problems. I observe how a couple
communicates: Do they both have good listening skills or do they interrupt each another. I
ask if they have had conflicts in their courtship experience. If they have had no conflicts
then I encourage them to make sure they have one before they return for the next
counseling appointment. This usually gives me some raised eyebrows. I explain that
conflicts are normal in any relationship between sinners. What is not normal for Christians
is to hide their opinions or disagreements and then allow these conflicts to remain
unresolved. They need to have a clear understanding of how their prospective mate deals
with conflict and how skillful they will be at finding solutions to these problems. In
addition, I look to see if either partner is overly controlling the other. If this is evident,
then I use the pre-marital counseling to warn them that controlling behavior will destroy
their love for one another. Love is always given out of a free choice and cannot be forced
or coerced. These and many other issues that you perceive as potential trouble spots must
be pointed out to the couple so that they might head these problems off before they
become major stumbling blocks in their relationship.

D. Relationship with this couple. Pre-marital counseling also establishes a very close
relationship with you as the pastor or counselor. When you spend eight weeks counseling
with two people you will get to know them and they will get to know you. When you
share personal insights concerning your own marriage and they share their hopes and fears
with you, you will establish a close bond of love and openness that is very important. If at
some time in the future this couple has a need for further counseling, they will be very
comfortable in coming to see you for help because they have already established a
relationship through the pre-marital counseling.

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E. The divorce rate is reduced. It has been statistically proven that couples who receive pre­marital counseling have a lower divorce rate than those who do not spend this time of preparation. Therefore, don't think that this is a waste of time when you prepare a couple for the second most important decision of their lives.

II. Is this person the one?

A. Helping people make the decision to marry someone. Helping a person make the decision
of who to marry is one of the most important things you can do because their choice will
have life-long consequences. This conversation is what I call pre-pre-marital counseling. I
have had many such discussions with individuals that have confirmed their convictions
that this is the right person to marry, relieved the fears of a person who has unrealistic
expectations, and helped people decide not to marry the person whom they are dating. I
personally know the benefit of this kind of counseling, because before meeting my wife, I
sought out counseling myself for help in a decision about a woman I was dating and
eventually chose not to marry her. How thankful I am for the counsel I received that day.

B. How can you help someone make this very important decision? I first encourage
individuals that there are many important issues that they need to consider before they
make this decision. I encourage them to consider all aspects of their relationship with this
prospective mate, explaining that on this earth it is a decision second only to a person's
choice to follow Christ. I then give them the study sheet (page 3-9) entitled Issues To
Consider Before Choosing A Mate. I ask them to read it, weighing carefully each question
and then come back so we can discuss any further questions they may have. In addition, I
always remind an individual that I will not make the decision for them, but that I will only
point out issues that make for a good marriage. They must determine if their prospective
mate fits the bill. I usually end with, "You have to live with this person the rest of your
life. Are you willing to do this?" I continue to warn them, "Don't think you are going to
radically change this person, because people change very slowly. Therefore, what you see
is what you get!" I encourage them to consider all areas of their relationship: their spiritual
goals, their emotional compatibility, like-mindedness intellectually, general personality,
common likes and dislikes, and whether he or she is physically attracted to this person?

III. Steps in Pre-Marital Counseling

Once two people determine that marriage is the course of action that they are ready to take, I begin counseling them to prepare them for the big day.

A. Determining a couple's readiness for pre-marital counseling.

1.     How long has the couple dated? The first question our secretaries ask when an
individual calls for an appointment is the length of time the couple has dated. Our
church policy is that we will not begin pre-marital counseling unless a couple has been
seriously dating for a minimum of six months. We require this length of time because
we don't believe that anyone can truly know another person well enough to make this
life commitment in less than this amount of time. We acknowledge to these couples
that we realize they may not want to wait this long, but we highly recommend it based
on over thirty years of experience of watching people make these decisions. In
addition, all of the evangelical churches in our community have signed an agreement
that we will all abide by this time limit. If a couple chooses not to wait and goes off
and gets married, we do not condemn them nor refuse to counsel them if trouble
occurs in their relationship. However, by a couple refusing our counsel in this regard
we have most surely identified one of this couple's primary problems.

2.     Giving a pre-marital intake form. Once it is determined that a couple has dated for at
least six months and before a couple actually comes in for their first counseling
session, I have the couple fill out our premarital intake form (page 5 - 7). This form

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gives me valuable information that helps me to determine more fully if this couple is ready to begin counseling.

3.     Are both partners Christians? If there is any question concerning any of the answers
given with regard to their assurance of salvation or their personal walk with Christ, I
probe further with specific questions about their beliefs. Why? Because Scripture is
absolutely clear on the prohibition of a Christian marrying a non-Christian (1 Cor.
7:39; 1 Cor. 9:5; 2 Cor. 6:14-18; 1 Kings 11:1-10). If I find that one or both
individuals are unsaved, I use this opportunity to share the Gospel and warn the
Christian that they are about to make a fatal mistake that is in direct disobedience to
God's Word. I have seen many individuals come to a saving relationship with Jesus in
such counseling sessions.

4.     Is this couple living together or sexually active? The next issue I look at on the form
are their responses to the questions concerning their home addresses to see if they are
living together, and whether or not they believe pre-marital sex is wrong. If there are
no red flags here I come back to this subject later by addressing the need to remain
sexually pure until marriage. If they are living together or believe pre-marital sex is
acceptable then I address this issue immediately. I explain several things to them.

a. That pre-marital sex (fornication) is contrary to the direct commands of Scripture
(1 Thess. 4:1-8; 1 Cor. 6:9-10; 1 Cor. 7:1-2; Prov. 6:29; 1 Tim. 5:1-2; Lev. 20:17).

b. That by engaging in pre-marital sex they are destroying the trust that either will
obey God concerning their sexual desires in the future. I explain that many
individuals I've counseled have confessed to me their lack of trust toward a spouse
when the marriage begins to have trouble. People usually say something like this:
"If this person could not restrain themselves when they did love me and our
relationship was strong, how can I have confidence that they will obey God and
resist their sexual desires when we are having trouble?"

c. In addition, by engaging in pre-marital sex they will have a greater possibility of
divorce according to all of the studies done on cohabitation. According to the
findings in the Bumpass & Sweet study done in 1995, the study done by David
Popenoe at Rutgers University in 1997, and the study done by Linda Waite from
the University of Chicago in 1998: Those living together before marriage are
almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together. Living
together increases the risk of domestic violence between partners, sexual abuse
toward children, and generates lower levels of general happiness. Why? Because
these studies reveal that people who cohabitate tend not to be as committed as
married couples because they are more oriented toward autonomy and self-
fulfillment in their relationship. According to the Census Bureau, by 2000, the
number of unmarried couples in the U.S. jumped to 5,500,000, up from 439,000 in
1960.

5. Has either partner been married before and is this previous marriage truly over?
Divorce is one of the greatest hurts that any person can endure. To take one flesh and
rip it apart causes spiritual and emotional wounds that are as devastating as if someone
physically cut your arm and leg off. Using the work sheet entitled Remarriage - Are
You Ready (page 3 - 34) an individual must answer some very difficult questions.
These questions will help you to determine if there is still bitterness and resentment or
guilt from the previous marriage that this individual will carry into this new union. In
addition, if there are children from this previous marriage, their thoughts must be
considered in this counseling. You as the counselor must realize that blending two
people and their children from previous marriages is much more difficult because of
the additional challenges they face, which most are simply not prepared for. Therefore,
you must prepare them fully with realistic expectations and practical guidance about
how they should handle the extremely difficult adjustments that lie ahead. In order to

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further help this couple give them the article How To Blend A Family (page 4-17) and fully discuss exactly how they intend to blend their families.

6.      Has either partner been married before and do they have biblical grounds for
remarriage? If either individual has been married before you must ask further
questions to determine if they have biblical grounds for remarriage. Divorce is a very
delicate subject and there are many differing views on the issue of remarriage. The
bottom line is this: If there are any circumstances in which you would refuse to
remarry an individual, determine what these are and inquire if these situations have
occurred. I would encourage you to read my article on this subject (page 4 - 27). In
addition, there are two good books on this subject that I would recommend that you
read: Divorce and Remarriage by Guy Duty, Bethany Fellowship, and Marriage,
Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible by Jay Adams, Zondervan. Personally, I will not
remarry an individual if (a) this person is a Christian who has divorced a Christian
mate for non-biblical reasons, (b) If a person is a Christian and has committed adultery
on his or her spouse and the offended partner has divorced this individual, (c) If a
person's personal problems that caused a divorce have not significantly changed and
will be brought into the next marriage (drug and alcohol problems, the ability to
provide financially, abuse and explosive anger problems, or failing to walk
consistently with the Lord). If a person does have biblical grounds for remarriage, be
sure that the individual has a good understanding of the specific Scriptures that apply
to his or her circumstance.

7.      Has there been any break-ups along the way. When a couple states in their intake form
that they have had several break-ups prior to or during their engagement, this is a red
flag for me. I'm not referring to minor spats between them, but when a couple calls off
their relationship because of conflicts, this behavior reveals several serious problems.

a. This couple doesn't understand how to resolve conflicts.

b. They probably have very poor communication skills.

c.  They have already established a pattern that reveals a lack of commitment to each
other.

d. What will keep them from calling it quits once they are married?

e.  These problems are serious enough that they most likely are not mature enough to
get married at this time.

8.  Further topics to be covered in this first session. If I don't have to cover any of the
above issues then I immediately proceed to the following four topics. I believe it is
essential for couples to consider these issues before beginning pre-marital counseling.
These subjects are critical to the success of their marriage and I must be absolutely
sure that both partners are committed to these truths. I ask couples to affirm that the
following are their personal beliefs. However, if you must cover one or more of the
above issues you may not have enough time in your first session to cover the following
points. In this case make these topics and any others you deem necessary the subject of
your second session.

a. An absolute commitment to walk with the Lord. I usually like to explain to couples that their personal relationship with the Lord will be the key to their success in marriage. He is the only one who can give them the heart to love, give, and serve one another. I warn them that if at any time in the future they begin to have problems in their marriage the first place they should examine is their relationship with the Lord. Give examples from your own marriage of how God's Word and power in your life has saved your marriage from ruin. Then give examples of couples that have not heeded this counsel or kept Christ first in their lives and have ended in divorce or total dissatisfaction in their marriage. Then I ask them if they are absolutely sure that they have put Christ first in their lives.

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b. An absolute commitment to each other. Next, I ask this couple if they are
absolutely committed to each other no matter what problems come their way in
life. I rehearse several different scenarios with them of the difficulties that could
possibly come their way in life and the stress it will bring to their relationship (i.e.
financial hardship, physical sickness, difficult children, the death of a child, or the
possibility that your mate doesn't continue to walk with the Lord). I ask them to
think how they will react to such circumstances. I talk to them about their vows
that "for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, so long as we
both shall live," mean just what is says. When Jesus explained the commitment of
marriage in Matthew 19 the disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man
with his wife, it is better not to marry " (vs. 10). I want them to notice that Jesus
didn't lessen the standard at all but replied, "He who is able to accept it, let him
accept it" (vs. 12). I then ask this couple if they are willing to accept the absolute
commitment to their marriage for the rest of their life. If a couple gives me any
other than a whole-hearted amen to this question I will not continue to counsel
them, nor will I marry them.

c.  Realistic expectations. Then I proceed to give them a realistic view of marriage, the
blessings and the struggles. I relate to them that there are several beliefs, attitudes,
values, and behaviors that they have already discovered where they have very
similar viewpoints. These areas of unity will bring them great blessing and
harmony in their relationship. I further explain that they will also find many issues
in which they will hold only somewhat similar views. These will require
adjustments to keep them from having conflict in these areas. However, I then
describe that there will be other attitudes and behaviors that they will come to
realize that they are as different as night and day (i.e. different habits in
communication, different sexual drives, different child rearing concepts, or a
different tolerance for stress). I explain that every couple has these items and they
are not to be alarmed and think that somehow they married the wrong person. As
the counselor, you must assure them that you and your wife also have these areas
in which you are very different and these differences have not prevented you from
having a successful marriage. However, remind them that to deal successfully with
these major differences that it will require hard work sustained over an entire
lifetime. In short, it will take a work of faith, a labor of love, and the patience of
hope to work through these issues (1 Thess. 1:3). I then ask the couple if they
understand what I've explained and are they being realistic about their similarities
and differences. I also ask them if they have identified any of the areas in which
they are different and how they have sought to accommodate each other.

d. Their commitment to stay sexually inactive. Last, I ask a couple directly if they are
committed to abstaining from sexual relations until marriage. In addition, I ask if
they have already had sex. If they have already had sexual relations I relate to them
how destructive this will be to the success of their future marriage and go over the
Scriptural commands relating to sex (see discussion above, page 3 - 3, # 4). If a
couple will not commit to remaining sexually inactive until their wedding day,
then I will not continue to counsel them, nor will I marry them. However, if they
commit to me that they will abstain from sexual relations then I will continue with
the counseling. In addition, I tell this couple that I will be asking them at the
beginning of each of our sessions if they are continuing to abstain from sex.
Letting them know this helps to encourage them to be faithful because they know
that they will have to answer this question. At this point you must give this couple
several practical measures to help them stay out of tempting circumstances, which
will enable them to remain pure until their wedding day (i.e. not staying late at the
other's apartment alone, not spending the night at the other's apartment, or leaving

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when temptation arises in their minds). Encourage this couple that God would not command them to stay sexually pure until marriage if this behavior could not be accomplished. What God commands His people to do, He also enables them to do. All they need to do is ask Him for His power. B. The following sessions.

At the end of this first session, give the next session's work sheets or study sheets to enable them to prepare the material for your next meeting. Each homework assignment will give you plenty of material to discuss and will be a good outline for the most important issues. You may want to add other topics to this material to cover issues that you see in the couple's life. Each of the following worksheets or resources are located on pages 3-13 through 3-33. Topics for each follow-up session:

1.       Goals and expectations. Because of the great amount of reading necessary on the
counselor's part, I ask the couple to bring their finished work back to me several days
before our meeting so I will have time to fully assess their answers. I look for how
maturely, sensitively, and biblically correct their answers are so that I may correct any
problem areas immediately.

2.   Resolving conflicts. In this work sheet I attempt to focus on helping the couple
understand how to resolve conflicts and help them to see where their weaknesses are
from the answers they have given. Ask them about the conflicts that they've had
already and how they resolved these issues. If they have had no disagreements, I
usually probe further as to why. I do this because it is not normal for two sinners to
never disagree! Most of the time I have found that one or both partners are not sharing
their true thoughts and opinions. I explain that this is dishonesty and one day one
spouse will say, "Why didn't you tell me this before we were married? Why did you
hide your thoughts on this subject?" This individual believes that he or she was lied to
during the engagement period.

3.       Communication. Likewise, in this work sheet I attempt to focus on helping the couple
understand where their weaknesses are in communication and how to establish a
greater ability to discuss their problems and needs. Again, I use personal examples to
show them how to set time aside for communication, explain the difficulties in doing
this consistently, and give them ways to strengthen their weak areas.

4.   Husband / wife roles. This study sheet contains only material for them to read and
consider before the counseling session. Discuss this material and determine if either
has a difficulty with fulfilling their biblical role. I also explain to them that if they
sincerely love one another and are both giving sacrificially they will naturally be
fulfilling their roles as husband and wife.

5.   Dealing with in-laws. As you discuss this study sheet, ask both partners how they
perceive their father and mother. Are their parents controlling, opinionated, or nosey?
If either affirms that one or both of their parents will probably become an interference
in the marriage, give them some practical ways to avoid these situations. If either of
these couple's parents is controlling then they have probably already had a problem in
the wedding preparations. Help them work through these issues and establish good
decision-making habits before any further problems occur. I explain that the conflicts
that can occur with in-laws are potentially explosive because of the betrayal and
allegiance issues and that they should not think this topic is unnecessary.

6.       Establishing a budget. Helping a couple consider the realities of their financial position
and giving them practical guidance as to how to budget, is essential to avoid trouble
down the road. It is rare that a couple will have an abundance of disposable income,
therefore, you must show them how important it is to budget and make every penny
count. I usually warn them about credit cards and give them examples of other couples

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that I've counseled who have gotten into serious financial debt to the point where it almost ruined their marriage.

1. The wedding night and sexual relations. Any discussions concerning sexual relations is always a delicate one, but if you can present this topic gently and tastefully you will make your counselees very comfortable and enable them to gain valuable information which they need for success in this area. No matter how much time I've spent on the previous sessions, I always wait until two weeks before the wedding to do this session on sex and their wedding night. This is because I don't want to stir either partner up with thoughts that they can't satisfy. I usually give them both a copy of The Act Of Marriage by Tim LaHay and encourage them to read at least the first eight chapters before their wedding day. I also encourage them to take the book on their honeymoon and finish reading it together. This enables them to become more comfortable in discussing this very sensitive area.

IV. Special issues for additional sessions.

A. Blended families. When you are marrying a couple that has previously been married and
has children it is essential that you address the special issues that they will encounter.
Blended families have a higher divorce rate than first-time marriages and therefore you
must pay special attention to the relationship that each member will have with the others
in this family-to-be. If there is little or no friendship established between parent and child
or between the children, this is a red flag. These issues must be addressed before the
wedding to head off potential problems. Please read the article I've written entitled How to
Blend A Family (page 4-17) which gives you several issues to bring up for discussion.

B.  Older couples. When counseling older couples, especially those who have previously been
married, many will have the attitude that they really don't need this counseling because
they know what marriage is all about. Encourage them that they do have valuable
information and experience that two twenty-year-old individuals don't have, but assure
them that they also will go through all of the newly-wed adjustments just like anyone else.
In fact, they will have some hindrances that twenty-year-olds don't have, namely, being
more set in their ways. Therefore, I explain to this couple that they must not become over­
confident in thinking they will be able to skip the newly-wed adjustment period just
because of their age and experience. I have seen several of these late-in-life marriages end
in divorce in a very short period of time.

C.  Further reading material. Once you've completed your pre-marital counseling, I encourage
all couples to continue their education on marriage and family matters by reading
additional books to help them through their adjustment period. I explain to them that they
need all the encouragement they can get and that the instruction they receive will only be
beneficial to their relationship. Some good suggestions are as follows:

Marriage and family book-list

General topics

•         Married and How To Stay That Way by Pastor Steve Carr
Published by ACW Press, call 805-489-9088 or www.Amazon.com

•         Christian Living in the Home by Dr. Jay Adams, Baker Books

•         From Forgiven to Forgiving by Dr. Jay Adams, Victor Books

•         The Christian Family by Larry Christenson, Bethany Fellowship

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•         Strike the Original Match by Chuck Swindell, Multnomah Press

•         Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson, Word Publishing

•         Solving Marriage Problems by Dr. Jay Adams, Zondervan Books

•         Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack, Presbyterian Reformed Press

Communication topics

•    Communication: The Key to Your Marriage by Norman Wright, Regal Books

a

•    Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives by Dr. James Dobson, Word Publishing

c

•    The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye, Zondervan                                                                               **

•         Intended For Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat, Revell

•         Solomon on Sex by Joseph Dillow, Nelson

Children

•         How to Raise Good Kids by Barbara Cook, Bethany Fellowship

•         Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson, Bantam Books

•         The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson, Tyndale Publishing

V. Follow-up sessions after the wedding.

A. The importance of a follow-up session. After completing your last pre-marital
appointment set up a time right then for this follow-up session. Why is it so important to
have a follow-up session with a couple you've married? There are several reasons. First,
it takes all the pressure and embarrassment off the couple from having to initiate a
meeting with you, especially if they have encountered problems in their first month of
marriage. If problems have occurred it enables you to quickly head off potentially
explosive issues that can have long-term consequences for their marriage. Couples
usually are relieved that this session was pre-set before the wedding and they don't have
to wait for a "major" problem before they can come in for counseling over minor issues
that they want to discuss. Last, it allows the couple to discuss issues that they had no
experience with before they were married, such as living with another person's personal
habits, their sexual relationship, or new issues that have arisen since their wedding day.

B.  What to cover in the follow-up session. Simply do a complete inventory of a couple's

entire personal and marital relationship: Examine their personal devotions, church attendance, prayer together, if they are resolving their conflicts, if they are having any communication problems, in-law problems, financial problems, relationship with the children (if it is a blended family), and their sexual relationship. Look for "hot spots" where there has been conflict or where one partner is unsatisfied. If an issue requires further counseling sessions schedule another appointment with them at this time.

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Issues To Consider Before Choosing A Mate

I.             The most important decision you could possibly make in life is whether or not you will
choose to receive Christ as Lord of your life. This will determine if you experience eternal
life today and in eternity. But, the second most important decision in life is whom you will
marry. This is a critical decision that will greatly determine not only your future happiness
but also the degree to which you are able to serve the Lord. What does the Bible declare the
important considerations to be?

II.        First, you may choose whomever you wish, as long as he or she is a Christian (1 Corinthians
7:39). There are no exceptions to this command. From the following principles you will see
why God has made this a fundamental requirement for His children.

HI. The next important question is, what kind of Christian is the person you desire to marry?

A.  Is this person truly committed to loving and obeying the Lord? This is important because

every marital problem you will encounter in your relationship will always result from a spiritual problem. If this person is truly committed to Christ, he or she will solve these problems in a biblical way. Therefore, how has he or she demonstrated this commitment? Do you see a love for God demonstrated in his or her life? Does this individual have a daily devotional life? Does this person share lessons learned from Scripture with you? Does he or she have a prayer life, and has there ever been a time when this person has suggested prayer with you? Have you seen him or her serving others since you have been together? Does this person serve with a motivation of love or only because of obligation? Does this person seek the kingdom of God more than anything else (Gal. 5:22; Matt. 16:24; Acts 2:42; Gal. 5:13; Matt. 6:33)?

B.  Do you have compatibility in spiritual things? Do you agree on the major doctrines of
Scripture? Do you agree on the church you will attend? Do you agree on how you will
give of your time and money? Without agreement over these issues now, there will be
great conflict over these issues in the future (Amos 3:3).

C.  Can you trust this person? Has this individual given you any reason not to trust what he or
she has said or done in any aspect of your relationship? Trust is the foundation of any
lasting relationship (Prov. 31:11; 1 Cor. 7:25).

D.  How does he or she handle adversity? Does this person trust God, or fall into unbelief
regularly? Have you ever seen him or her angry? Have you seen this individual angry
with you? Did you resolve this conflict in a biblical way? Was forgiveness asked for and
granted, or was the issue just forgotten after a while? The ability to reconcile conflicts in a
biblical way is essential for a marriage to last (Prov. 3:5; Mark 11:25-26; Luke 17:1-4; Ps.
37:8; Prov. 16:32; Prov. 19:11).

E.  Does he have a way to provide for you? Is he or she a responsible person with money?
Money can be a great source of conflict in a marriage, so look for responsible action and
decision making on this issue now (1 Tim. 6:10; Luke 16:14; Matt. 25:27; 2 Tim. 3:2).

F.  Is he or she a good example? In the future if you have children, would your mate be a
good example to them? If he or she is not a good example now, it will be a constant battle
later (1 Tim. 4:12).

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G. What issues do you agree and disagree on? Make a list of both to permit an honest appraisal of your compatibility.

H. Does this person have control of his or her sexual drives? Have you ever seen him or her compromise obedience toward God and His Word? Is there pressure on you for sex? If he or she is not obedient or self-controlled in this area now, how will you be able to trust this person after you get married (1 Thess. 4:1-8; 1 Cor. 6:18; 1 Thess. 5:22)?

I. Does your prospective mate respect you and your opinions? Does he or she listen to you and receive your ideas and/or correction, or are you not even consulted over decisions? Respect and willingness to talk over issues is essential for a good marriage. You should both be able to compromise and find agreement over difficult problems (Matt. 5:25).

J. Is there mutual submission between the two of you? Can each of you give and receive ideas, advice, or correction to one another? Is he or she truly open to your input? If not, you should not expect that after you get married things will be any different (Eph. 5:21; James 1:19; Prov. 17:27; Rom 12:10).

K. Have you resolved the conflicts that have come up between you? The willingness and ability to resolve conflicts is essential for a lasting marriage. We are all very different from one another and should expect to find variance in our ideas and feelings. If you have never had a difference of opinion, this reveals that you don't know each other as well as you think, and one or both of you are not fully expressing your personal views. The only way you will know if your prospective spouse will be accepting of these differences is for you to express them. This is another area where open communication will reveal the strength or weakness of your relationship. If there is a conflict, will you be able to lovingly resolve it (Matt. 18:15; Matt. 5:23-24; Gal. 6:1,2)?

IV.         How does your prospective mate treat other people? The way this individual treats others is
ultimately the way he or she will treat you, so look very closely at these actions (Eph.
4:25).

V.              Have you dated this person long enough to get an idea of what he or she struggles with in
daily life? If you can't identify at least some issues, you probably don't know this person as
well as you think. Everyone has faults; some more, some less. Ask this person what issues
cause the greatest struggles in life and how he or she is dealing with these issues. Can you
live with these faults or differences, knowing that people change very slowly? Can you live
with the areas your prospective mate is not dealing with very well? Be very realistic, you
should accept the fact that "what you see is what you get" (Deut. 1:12).

VI.         Is this person a giving individual? Being able to give sacrificially is the best proof of true
love. If the person you want to marry is interested in you giving the majority of the time,
this will not be a happy marriage (Rom. 12:10, Luke 6:38).

VII.   Each of the above issues requires effective communication. Without this occurring now,
you will never have the relationship you desire in marriage. Communication is the
lifeblood of a marriage because it enables a relationship to be nourished and survive the
struggles that two people encounter (Prov. 18:21; Eph. 4:29; Eph. 4:31).

VIII.  Is your prospective mate your best friend? If marriage is a picture of the relationship
between Christ and His church, then friendship is essential. Jesus said to His disciples,
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are My

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friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you " (John 15:13). A friend, according to Jesus, was one for whom He would sacrificially lay down His life and one to whom He would lovingly communicate His heart. Will you be marrying your best friend and a person with whom you can share your heart? If so, your marriage will be all that you expect it to be (Song of Solomon 5:16).

IX.   Now take these same questions and apply them to yourself. Your answers will determine where you might consider making changes in your own life before making a life-time commitment.

Things To Consider Before You Remarry After Divorce

I.     Have you understood the real causes of your divorce? List these causes and then what you
have done to change these problems. This will help to assure you that these issues will not
cause further conflicts in a new marriage.

II.      Have you resolved these issues before God by asking for His forgiveness? This is essential
if you want to start a new relationship with a right heart.

III.           Have you asked your former spouse's forgiveness for anything that you did to cause the
divorce? Is reconciliation with your former spouse possible? Have you exhausted all means
possible to reconcile? This of course would be God's first desire since He "hates divorce"
(Mai. 2:16).

IV.          Are you absolutely sure that you have biblical grounds to be remarried? Has your spouse
committed adultery (Matt. 19:9)? Is your spouse unwilling to live with you anymore or
refusing to reconcile with you? Or, has he or she already divorced you (1 Cor. 7:12-16)?
The word depart in this text is translated "put asunder" in Matthew 19:6, meaning to
divorce. Has your spouse died (Rom. 7:1,2)? Was your previous marriage prior to your
coming to salvation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17)? If this is not the case, you must seriously
consider Paul's command to "remain unmarried or be reconciled" to your previous spouse
(1 Cor. 7:12). There are many varied circumstances to be considered with this issue,
therefore take these verses and talk with your pastor about them.

V.               Do you still entertain thoughts of reconciliation with your previous mate? If so, this reveals
that the issue is not fully resolved in your heart. These thoughts will greatly hinder any
future relationship.

VI.          Do you sense that you are a different person spiritually, emotionally, and morally, than the
person you used to be in your previous marriage? This is your only assurance that this
marriage will be any different.

VII.  Do you believe that you have the skills to solve problems instead of avoiding them?

VIII.  Are you truly content in your life and relationship with Christ, or are you looking for
someone to make you happy? A marriage partner will never be able to make you happy.
"Happy is the people whose God is the Lord" (Ps. 144:15).

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IX.             Make a list of the things you disliked about your previous partner. This will help you not to
marry the same type of person again.

X.                  Don't date anyone whose divorce is not final. Until his or her divorce is final, this individual

is still married legally and in the eyes of God. From the very beginning, under the Law of Moses, someone seeking to be divorced in the eyes of God had to obtain a certificate of divorce; not just be separated (Deut. 24:1).

XL   Are you honestly looking for a person you can give to, or for someone to rescue and take care of you?

Things to Consider Concerning Your Children Before You Remarry

I.             Does your prospective mate love your children as much as he or she loves you? Remember,
he or she is also making a life-long commitment to parenting them too. This marriage not
only concerns you and your prospective spouse, but all the children you bring with you into
this relationship.

II.        Has your prospective mate established a real relationship with your children? Does this
individual spend time together "one on one" with your child? If you have more than one
child, is there any favoritism shown for one above another? Consider the example of how
favoritism ruined Isaac and Rebekah's family (Gen. 25:28). Can your prospective spouse
find enjoyment doing hobbies or some recreation with your child? Does he or she even have
an interest in doing this, or is it only at your insistence? How do your prospective mate and
your children get along when they do spend time together?

III.   Do your children love and respect your prospective mate? Have they verbalized this to you?
Have you given them enough time for this type of relationship to develop? Have your
children demonstrated their love and respect toward your prospective mate? How? Have you
asked your children if this marriage is acceptable to them?

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Parti Pre-Marital Series

Goals and Expectations

Everyone enters into marriage with certain expectations for their relationship. Expectations are your hopes and desires for what your mate will be like and what he or she will do. To enable your fiancee to better understand your expectations, each of you take a piece of paper and answer these questions by yourself.

I.          Spiritual Expectations

A. What are your personal goals for your own Christian walk?

B.  Has God called you to any specific ministries in the body?

1. If yes: What ministry?

2.  How will you expect your mate to participate or help you in this ministry?

C.  What kind of spiritual relationship do you desire with the person you marry? How

will you expect your mate to minister to you spiritually?

II.        Communication and Emotional Expectations

A. How will you expect your future mate to meet your needs for communication on a

daily basis? When, where, and how?

B. Do you like to be left alone: most of the time, sometimes, or a little in each day?

C. Do you like to spend time with other people? How often?

D. Describe yourself: Are you more of an emotional person, a practical person, or a
logical person? Explain your personality so your fiancee will know what to expect
once you are married.

E. What emotional needs do you have?

F.  What intellectual needs do you have?

G. How will you expect your marriage partner to meet these needs?

III.       Financial Expectations

A. What are your goals concerning your profession while you are married?

B. If you have the choice, how will you use the family finances in giving? Will you tithe
regularly? Will you give above your tithe to needy people and/or missionaries?

C. Do you feel the husband should have the sole responsibility in financial decisions and
budgeting, or should this be done together? How do you expect to do this?

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D. Will you have a joint checking account? Will you each have your own money and
your own accounts or will all of your finances be in one common fund?

E.  Do you believe in saving money on a regular basis? How much do you budget to save
right now?

IV.       Social Expectations

A. Are you the kind of person that is on the go most of the time, or are you more of a stay
at home type of person? How will you expect your fiancee to accommodate you in this
aspect of your personality?

B.  What sports or fun things do you enjoy doing?

C.  In what way will expect your spouse to participate with you in your recreational
desires?

D. Are you the type of person who enjoys having people regularly over to your house for
dinner and fellowship, or would this be a rare occurrence? How do you expect your
future mate to accommodate you in this issue?

E.  Do you have mutual friends that you can both equally fellowship with?

V.         Family Expectations

A. Do you want children? How many? When? Why?

B. What expectations do you have for your future mate concerning teaching and

disciplining the children? What forms of discipline do you expect to use in training your children?

C. Do you believe in having family devotions? Whom do you expect will lead these

devotions?

D. Will you expect your future mate to pray with you at times other than meal time? When

do you pray now with your fiancee?

E. Will the man be the head of the home? How do you see this practically affecting what
goes on in your family?

VI.       Sexual Expectations

A. So your future mate will know what to expect, how would you rate your sexual drive?

Extremely high, high, medium, low, extremely low1?

B.  How often will you expect to have sex per week?

C.  Will you expect your future mate to have sex with you whenever you ask?

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VII.     In-law Expectations

A. How often will you expect to see your in-laws; your parents?
^"^                            B. How often do you expect you will have them in your home?

Pa

C. Where do you expect to spend Christmas and birthdays?

D. When there is a conflict between you and your spouse will you expect him/her to share

this with his/her parents or keep this private?

E.  Will you use your birth family as a model for your new family? If yes, in what ways?

VIII.  So Your Fiancee May Understand You Better

A. Name one thing that you disliked in your family upbringing that you do not want in

your future family.

B. Name one thing that you liked about your family and do want in your future home.

IX. List 10 Reasons: Why I love you.

X. List 10 Reasons: Why I am ready to get married at this time in my life.

XI. Is there anything that you are fearful about as you enter into your marriage that might
hinder your relationship?

XII. Important information to discuss.

So you won't disrupt your future marriage with some unexpected concern, are there any major issues from your past that you need to discuss with your fiancee before proceeding with your marriage plans? Even though Scripture teaches us that if any man is in Christ he is a new creation and that all things have past away (2 Cor. 5:17), there are some things that can have an adverse affect upon your present relationship. Some examples of potential topics would be: medical issues such as AIDS, infectious hepatitis B or C, or any other sexually transmitted disease; financial issues such as previous bankruptcies or judgments against you in court, or any legal issues that will affect your future; relationship issues such as a child born from another relationship that may come back into your life after being released for adoption, or any previous marriages not disclosed. If one of these issues has occurred or anything similar, please discuss this information so your fiancee won't be resentful in the future because you withheld this information. However, it is not necessary to rehearse all the details of your past, only the general issues that could affect your future relationship with your spouse.

Once you've both finished all these questions, trade papers with your fiancee, and go back and carefully read through his or her answers. As you read, next to each general heading from I - VI write an easy, difficult, or impossible as your response to your fiancees expectations. BE HONEST! Be assured, you will both remember the statements made here and the response given.

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Pre-Marital Series

Part 2

How To Resolve Conflicts In A Biblical Wav

I.  First You Need the Correct Motivations Within Your Heart.

Your motivations will either help or hinder you when putting these principles into action.

PLEASE READ EACH VERSE AND BE SURE THIS IS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART.

A. Are You Willing To Resolve The Conflicts? Are you willing to do anything that God
requires or commands you to do (Is. 1:19)? Without a willing heart you will not be
motivated to take any of the practical steps necessary to resolve these conflicts.

B. Are You Willing To Please God? Your ultimate desire must be to please God. A desire to
please God will cause you to take all of the difficult actions listed below. (Romans 15:3)
(Gal. l:10)(lThess.4:l)

Commit yourself now in prayer asking God to put these motivations in your heart.

II. Second. Apply These Biblical Principles on Resolving Conflicts.

Read through the verses that follow each question. To enable you to better identify your problem areas rate yourself by marking to the side, O = Often, S = Sometimes, R = Rarely. (Men use the left side of the paper, women use the right).

A. Do you actively seek reconciliation after a conflict (Matt. 5:23,24)
(Matt. 18:15)?

B. Do you seek reconciliation quickly (Matt. 5:25) (Eph. 4:26)?

C. Are you completely honest about the facts of the conflict (Ps. 51:6)?

D. Do you restrain your anger during a conflict (Prov. 20:3) (Prov. 17:14)?

E.  Do you seek to listen and understand what your fiance thinks when a

disagreement occurs (James 1:19) (Prov. 18:13)?

F.  After you've had an argument, do you humble yourself and confess
your fault first (James 5:16) (Matt. 7:5) (Gen. 3:11-13)?

G. Do you forgive and refuse to bring the issue up again (Heb. 8:12) (Phil.
3:13) (Eph. 4:31-32) (Matt. 6:14-15) (Psalms 66:18)?

H. Do you tell your fiancee, in love, specifically what action or attitude you want to see change (Matt. 18:15)?

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I. Do you keep talking until you find an agreement through a mutually agreed upon compromise (Gen. 13:7-13)?

J. Do you pray regularly together for the power to change (James 5:16) (Luke 11:13)?

K. Are you patient and long-suffering when things don't change as quickly as you want (Gal. 5:22,23)?

L. Do you take specific action to change even when your fiance will not (Heb. 10:24) (John 13:15) (Matt. 7:12) (Romans 5:8)?

III. What Should You Do With Those Conflicts That Seem To Defy Resolution?

If you can't reach a solution after going through these Scriptures, look for one or two areas you can agree upon. Use these areas as a starting point in resolving the other issues (Heb. 3:12-13) (Matt. 18:19) (Amos 3:3).

The softening of both hearts sometimes will require time. Pray and ask God to soften your heart and keep talking together until you work out any unresolved issues. This is where long-suffering is needed. Stubbornness, pride, and selfishness are at the root of all unresolved conflicts, but willingness to compromise coupled with humility will always bring you to a solution. Begin by first dealing with your selfishness, pride, and hardness of heart. Ask God to reveal to you where your heart is wrong.

As you see your own faults and failures ask God to forgive you. Remember, in 1 John 1:9 it says, "If we confess our sins God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." The word confess means to agree with. Notice that for reconciliation to occur with God, you must come into an agreement with Him over your sin. Therefore, as you see your personal faults and come into agreement with God, this will encourage you to come into agreement with your fiancee.

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Pre-Marital Series

Part 3

Identifying Communication Road Blocks

I. The correct motivations are essential to growing in your communication skills.

PLEASE READ EACH VERSE AND BE SURE THIS IS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART.

A. Are you willing to grow in your communication skills? Willingness is the key to any
fundamental change in your life (Is. 1:19). Without a willing heart you will not be
motivated to take any of the practical steps necessary to change your habits.

B. Are you willing to please God? Your ultimate desire must be to please God. This
motivation will cause you to take each of the biblical principles listed below (Romans
15:3) (Gal. 1:10) (1 Thess. 4:1).

Commit yourself in prayer by asking God to put these motivations in your heart.

II. Apply these biblical principles to your communication skills.

Read through the verses that follow each of the questions listed below. To enable you to better identify your problem areas rate yourself by marking to the side of each question, O = Often, S = Sometimes, R = Rarely. (Men use the left side of the paper - women use the right).

Your attitudes

Your attitude is critical to being an effective communicator and is the basis for what you say and do. Without the correct attitude, your words will always come out wrong. You may be totally right in all that you say, but it's the way you say it that many times causes the wrong response from your fiancee. Let's look at some of these attitudes.

*       Do you have an arrogant or superior attitude when you speak to your fiancee (Prov. 14:3)
(Prov. 8:13) (Prov 25:15)?

*       Does your tone of voice reveal a bitter and resentful attitude (Acts 8:23)?

*       Do you have an indifferent attitude or do you make light of issues when your fiancee
attempts to talk with you (Matt. 22:5)?

+   Do you have an authoritarian attitude when making requests (Prov. 25:15)?

*    Are you disrespectful or impolite when responding to your future spouse (Eph. 5:33) (1 Peter
3:7)?

Your words

Once you have examined your attitudes or the way you talk, next consider what you say. Your words either build up or tear down your partner.

Do you cut and slash verbally with harsh words (Prov. 15:1) (Ps. 52:2)? Do you use lying and deceitful words in an argument (Ps. 120:2) (Eph. 4:25)? Do hateful words come from your lips when you disagree (Ps. 109:3)? Do you use flattering words to get what you want (Prov. 2:16)?

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4 *

Do you swear and use filthy language when you get angry (Col. 3:8) (Eph. 4:29,3 1)?

Do you exaggerate by using phrases such as, "you always" or "you never" when attempting

to prove your point (Eph. 4:15) (Eph. 4:25)?

Do you use condemning words to ridicule and silence your partner (Luke 6:37)?

Do you use silence to punish or manipulate your fiancee (Acts 7:57)?

Your actions

The specific actions taken while speaking to one another will either enhance or hinder your ability to effectively communicate. Consider these actions.

Do you twist your fiancee's words to confuse the discussion when you know that he or she

has spoken the truth and you simply don't want to admit it (Ps. 56:5)?

Do you attack and belittle your fiancee during a conflict (Prov. 12: 18)?

Do you refuse to communicate when conflicts arise (Matt. 5:25)?

Do you interrupt or finish your fiancee's sentences (Prov. 18:13)?

Do you repeat yourself over and over to force your opinions and your point of view (Matt.

6:7)?

Do you dominate a conversation by the number of words you use to attempt to overpower

your fiancee's opinions (Matt. 6:7)?

Do you point out your fiancee's faults before you confess your own (Matt. 7:5)?

Do you shift the blame to someone else or to other circumstances when your faults are

revealed (Gen. 3:9-13)?

Do you neglect to set time aside to communicate with your fiancee (Song of Solomon 2: 10-

14)?

Do you bring up your future mate's past failures to win an argument (Phil. 3:13) (Heb. 8:12)?

Do you explode in anger to manipulate and control the conversation (Prov. 16:32)?

Do you refuse to listen because of the rage inside your heart (James 1 : 19-20)?

Do you refuse to listen because of your stubborn pride (Acts 15:36-39)?

Do you provoke your fiancee to anger in order that you might have a reason to blame them

due to his or her lack of self-control (Prov. 20:2)?

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Pre-Marital Series

Part 4

Your Responsibilities

What is your God-given responsibility as a husband? What is your responsibility as a wife? These are important questions because God has called marriage partners to be one. Each has a complimentary position in the marriage that must be fulfilled. Only as you understand, accept. and fulfill your responsibility will you find the marital harmony and companionship you desire.

I. What is God asking both partners to do?

A.  Submit one to another (Eph. 5:21).

The word submit means to subdue, subordinate, or make subject to another. But, what must you subdue or subordinate? Yourself! You must subdue your selfish desires and be willing to give to your future mate. This is achieved by the Holy Spirit subduing your sinful nature (Rom. 8:13). The unwillingness to subordinate yourself is what drives couples apart. Unselfish giving will always draw you together.

B.  Submit to God

Second, God is asking you to submit to one another because of your submission and reverence for Him. Paul declares, "submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). If you're in a right relationship with God, then you naturally want to do what pleases Him. This desire to please God will naturally encourage you to seek a right relationship with your future spouse and take whatever action God commands to accomplish this end.

II. What is God specifically asking wives to do?

A. Submit to your husbands

1.  Why must you do this?

a. Because this is God's command (Eph. 5:22).

b. Because the husband is the head of his wife and family (Eph. 5:23). What does it
mean to be the head? The word head is used here metaphorically, describing the
husband's position of authority in reference to his wife and family. Similarly, the
Father is the head of Christ and Christ is the head of His Church (1 Cor. 11:3)
(Eph. 1:22).

2. Why is this truth important?

a. Submission of the wife to the husband brings order to the family. As your physical body can only function with one head, so the family can only have one head. This is also true for any business or organization. It is also true even within the Trinity. The Father is the authority of the Son and the Spirit (1 Cor. 11:3).

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b. Submission ensures clear definable responsibilities. There will be no duplication of

effort, and each will know what he or she is supposed to do in the family. This is the purpose for Paul's explanation of the entire passage in Ephesians 5:21-33.

c.  Submission frees the relationship from the power struggle of who is in control. If

both husband and wife are submitting to God and submitting to and serving one another, there will be such harmony in the marriage that the whole issue of control will rarely come up.

3. What submission does not mean.

a. Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a slave who never opens her

mouth or never gives her opinion or counsel (Gen. 21:8-12) (Prov. 31:10-31) (Acts 18:26) (Judges 13:21-23).

b. Submission does not mean that a wife is inferior to her husband. The Scripture

everywhere affirms a woman's equality with her husband, and a woman with a man (Gal. 3:28) (1 Pet. 3:7). Jesus is equal with the Father, yet in submission to Him (John 5:23). By nature Jesus was superior to His earthly father and mother yet submitted Himself to them (Luke 2:51).

c. Submission does not mean that a wife is to submit without limitations. She must

only submit "as is fitting in the Lord " (Col. 3:18). If her husband asks her to do something which violates Scripture or her conscience before God, she must obey God rather than man (Acts 5:28-29) (Rom. 14:21) (Acts 24:16).

d. The ultimate model for the submission of a wife is the church. "Just as the Church

is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:24). A wife must only ask herself, "Would Jesus ask me to do this? If He did, would I submit to Him"?

4. What submission does mean.

a. First, submission is an attitude of love, respect, and gentleness (Eph. 5:33).
Submission is simply an attitude that results from the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22).

b. Submission means you willingly accept the authority that God has given your

husband over your family (Gen. 3:16).

c. Submission means you must subdue your desire to control your husband and

manipulate him to do your will (Titus 2:5).

III.      What is God specifically asking husbands to do?

A. Love vour wives

1. Why must you love vour wife?

a. Love is God's command (Eph. 5:25).

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b.  This is the only kind of man a woman will lovingly submit to. In fact, it is easy for
a wife to submit to someone who sacrificially gives himself and denies himself
for her (Eph. 5:25).

c.  To love your wife like this you must subdue your own selfish desires to be served.
You are called to be the head servant (John 13:1-20).

B.  Lead, manage and care for your wife's needs

1. Why must you lead and manage your household?

a.  Paul taught that men were to rule their own homes well (1 Tim. 3:5). The word
rule means to lead, manage, care for, or attend to the needs of his wife and family.

b. You have been called to be the loving servant leader in your home. To do this well
you must give yourself whole-heartedly to this calling (1 Tim. 3:4-5,12).

c. Headship is the responsibility to lead by action and example as Jesus did. Jesus
said, "Follow Me "(Matt. 16:24). "I have given you an example, that you should
do as I have done to you " (John 13:15).

C.  Minister Spiritually to Your Wife

1. Why must you spiritually minister to her?

a. Jesus ministered the Word to His bride, the church (Eph. 5:26-27).

b. Jesus gave spiritual leadership, counsel, prayer, and encouragement to His
disciples. Likewise, a husband must take the spiritual leadership in his home to
do the same.

c. In a practical sense this would mean you must take responsibility to be an
example in your own spiritual life. You are an example in your general walk,
witness, devotions, church attendance, and prayer with and for the family.

D. Provide for, nourish, and cherish your wife as your own flesh (Eph. 5:28-29).

1. Why must you nourish and cherish her?

a. A one-flesh relationship demands this action. If you take care of your own
body, then you must take care of, and be sensitive to, your future wife's needs.

b. To be insensitive or unwilling to meet her needs is to deny her the love and care
you show to yourself. Insensitivity is selfishness!

E.  What headship does not mean

1.   A husband that forces his will upon his wife is acting as a dictator. Acting in this manner would be contrary to his servant leader position. Jesus never forced His will upon His disciples, nor does He force His will upon you now. Love will never force it's own way (1 Cor. 13:7) (James 3:17).

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2.     A husband following God's plan does not try to control his wife's personal choices or
decisions. He is only responsible for the general moral and spiritual direction of his
wife, not every detail of her life (Rom. 14:5). Headship is not the right to control
your wife or to tell her what to do, what to wear, or who her friends should be, but
headship is the responsibility to initiate and lead the relationship in a godly direction.
Jesus, as our head, initiated our entire salvation by humbling Himself and taking the
form of a servant (1 John 4:19).

3.     A husband does not make decisions independent of his wife's feelings and desires.
He is sensitive to ask for and respond to her input on all issues. A man would never
be insensitive to the hurts and feelings of his own body, neither should he be with
the needs of his wife (Eph. 5:28-29).

4.     The ultimate model for the headship of a husband is Jesus Christ. "Husbands, love
your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it" (Eph.
5:25). A husband must only ask himself, would Jesus act this way toward me? If He
did, how would I react?

The big question men always ask is, What should I do when my wife and I disagree? If this disagreement is over a nonmoral or a non-biblical issue, no action should be taken until agreement is found. You should devote more time to discussion and prayer with your mate. My best example for this counsel is Jesus. As the Head of the church He never forces His will upon people but waits until His children come into agreement with Him. Jesus models this behavior by the way He forgives sin. God waits till His children come and confess their sin before He grants it. The word confess means to agree with. He doesn't force any person to receive His forgiveness, but He counsels them to repent and then waits for them to respond. Likewise, a husband should never force his will upon his wife. This is not biblical headship. The only exception to this principle is when one spouse is disobeying clear moral or biblical commands. In such cases, the obedient spouse (husband or wife) has a higher responsibility to obey God and not submit to evil. It is essential that you please God without regard to what the disobedient partner chooses to do. Likewise, remember when Jesus was in the garden and wanted His disciples to pray with Him. He didn't force them to behave in the manner He had directed, but waited for them to willingly agree with Him and make the correct decision to strengthen themselves by intercession. In the same way, you must not force your will or desires upon your future mate, but be patient and encouraging as Jesus revealed in this example.

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Parts Pre-Marital Series

Your In-Laws

Your parents have a very prominent place in your life because they have raised you and taught you many things throughout your lifetime. Your parents love you and you love them. However, because of your upcoming marriage, your relationship with your parents must now take on a new dimension.

I.  How Will Your Relationship Be Changed?

A. Your relationship will now be based on the principle taught in Genesis 2:24.  "Therefore a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become
one flesh. " The Hebrew word for leave means to forsake, leave off, or refuse. This verse
teaches that a man or woman who marries should forsake the controlling ties of his
previous family and must now establish a new family unit. The Hebrew word for joined
means to stick like glue, cleave to, or pursue closely. The overall point of this passage is
to show couples that the purpose of their marriage is to establish a new and independent
family that is separate from their previous one. Genesis 2:24 is also quoted in the New
Testament in Matthew 19:5. Since Jesus expounded on this passage this proves that the
"leave and join " principle is to be applied to all marriages in general.

B.  The chain of command in a family should be as follows: both husband and wife are to

submit themselves to Christ as their head, the wife should acknowledge her husband as her head, and the children should submit to their parents. "The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God"(l Cor. 11:3). The in-laws should now take a secondary position to the marital relationship of this new family.

C.  What about honoring your father and mother? First, this is primarily an exhortation that is

to be fulfilled in the context of children growing up in the home. Children are to respect and obey their parents. You should also continue to respect and honor our parents, but in a new context. You must always show a special attitude of love and respect for your parents, but this will in no way have anything to do with decision making or control of your new family. Honoring your parents must be taken in the context of the Genesis 2:24 principle.

II. What Happens When You Allow Your Parents to Interfere and Control the
Decision-making Within Your Marriage?

A.  Your spouse will feel betrayed and will think you are more interested and concerned in

what your parents think than you are about his or her concerns. When you place your parents before your mate you have failed to honor your spouse (1 Peter 3:7). The word honor in this context means to value or to esteem as precious. Both a husband and a wife must show this supreme honor to one another above all other individuals. Therefore, this question of honor is ultimately an issue of who is to be honored first. Again, the Genesis 2:24 principle must take precedence in all your decisions.

B.  If the Genesis 2:24 principle is violated, a wall will begin to be built between you and

your future spouse because of the failure to honor one another. Unless this sin is acknowledged and resolved it will continue to divide you. Many other conflicts will spin off from this division between you simply because your spouse won't believe he or she is

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the priority of your love. Therefore, your fiancee must now become the priority over all others with respect to your love and all decision making.

III. How Should You Handle Conflicts With Your In-laws?

A. You should follow all the basic principles laid out in Scripture regarding how to resolve

conflicts (Matt. 18:15) (Mark 11:25,26) (Matt. 5:25) (Matt. 7:5).

B.  It is usually best to have the blood relation initiate the conversation regarding a conflict

with his or her own parent, one on one. If your parent has a conflict with your future spouse, it is best for you to be present and initiate the conversation in seeking reconciliation. This shows the parent that you are united with your spouse in desiring to see this problem resolved.

IV.  Some Dos and Don'ts!

A.  Don't share your personal marital conflicts with either of your parents. Your future spouse
will see this as an invasion of your marriage covenant. If these personal issues are shared
with your parents it is very easy for your spouse to begin thinking that your parents are
taking sides in the dispute. This will alienate all parties concerned. It is best to get some
objective outside counsel from someone other than your parents who will keep
confidential all that you share.

B.  Don't allow your parents to verbally belittle or put your mate down. You must reprove

your parents if this occurs.

C.  Don't allow your parents to dictate or interfere with how you plan to raise your children.

Ask their advice if you desire, but you and your spouse must ultimately agree together about how all parenting should be done. If your parents give you any unsolicited advice, here is an example of how to respond to them. This response will not offend them, but will help them to see the new relationship that exists. Say, "Thank you for your advice and concern. I will discuss your ideas with my (husband or wife) and we will let you know what we've decided." This kind of a response establishes the separation that exists between you and assures your spouse that he or she is first in your eyes.

D.  Don't allow your parents to interfere or control any internal aspect of your marriage. Use

the above response for any issue that comes up.

E.  Be sure to always communicate to your parents your commitment and concern that your

future spouse be respected as your top priority. Verbalize to them your desire to never offend your future spouse over any of these issues. This again helps your parents to understand the new relationship that exists.

F.  Be sure to also communicate to your parents your continued love and respect for them and

their sacrifices in raising you. This is what parents need to know and hear from their children.

G.  Do make sure that you spend adequate time with your in-laws on special occasions so
they will not feel put out of your life. The only exception to this encouragement is if your
in-laws are controlling and manipulating to the point that the same conflicts seem to arise
between you over and over again. If your in-laws refuse to make the necessary changes
and refuse to treat you as an adult, with a life of your own, you may have to restrict your
visits with them, or in extreme cases, not see them at all.

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Part 6 Pre-Marital Series

Financial Stewardship

I. What is Financial Stewardship?

The Bible uses the term steward many times to explain your relationship to the responsibilities God has given you. In biblical times a steward was a manager or overseer of another man's money or possessions. Jesus applied this term to all His followers with the encouragement that they be wise in all their decision making (Luke 12:40-48). Paul described himself and all believers as being entrusted with the Gospel which implies the responsibility to proclaim this message to the world (1 Thess. 2:4) (1 Cor. 9:17). The elders of the church were also called stewards of the church and responsible to lead and guide the flock of God (Titus 1:7). Every Christian has been entrusted with the gifts of the Spirit to fulfill the work God has called him (or her) to perform. If you work for someone on a job, then you are a steward over the specific responsibility you've been given to perform. If you have employees you are a steward over them. As you take this step of marriage you will eventually have the stewardship over the lives of children. If at some time in the future you are given the power of attorney over your parent's estate or become their conservator, you will be their steward. Therefore, we are all stewards in one way or another. The most important thing for you to remember about your responsibility as a steward, is that you will one day be called to give account for your stewardship (Luke 16:1-2). The primary issue on that day will be how faithful you've been to whatever stewardship God has given you (Luke 16:10). Therefore, faithful financial stewardship is one aspect of your marriage that must be understood as fundamental to a successful marriage.

II. Why is Good Financial Stewardship Important for Your Marriage?

Many problems result in marriage from the failure of one or both partners being responsible with their money. Couples overspend, get into debt, don't communicate with each other before making large purchases, which results in a failure to meet their obligations, added stress to the relationship, and further arguments and disharmony in the home. Many a divorce has occurred as a result of poor financial stewardship. Therefore, you don't want to experience this struggle in your family.

In addition, even though money is morally neutral, it is extremely powerful and can easily divide your heart. A divided heart will bring great problems to your life and marriage. Jesus warned His disciples, "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon " (Matt. 6:24). David also warned, "If riches increase, do not set your heart on them " (Psalm 62:10). Allowing your heart to become divided and set upon riches is a real possibility for any individual or married couple or these warnings would not be found in Scripture. Therefore, you must learn how to be faithful with your finances and keep money as your servant, not your master.

III. How Can You Be A Good Steward With Your Money?

A. Understand the places you must use your money.

1. Fixed bills. Every household has fixed monthly, semi-annual, and annual bills that
must be paid on time for the family to function (Mortgage or rent, utilities, taxes, and
insurance). See Matthew 17:24; Acts 21:24; Romans 13:6-7.

2.     Debts. Most individuals have some amount of debt when they enter into marriage.
These debts must also be paid on time to be a faithful steward. "The wicked borrows

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and does not repay, but the righteous shows mercy and gives " (Ps. 37:21). Wisdom would tell you that for the righteous to be merciful and giving they must stay out of debt as much as possible in order that they may have the resources to give to others.

3.      Giving. Faithful stewardship also entails giving. There are three types of giving
described in Scripture. First, a Tithe is the first 10 % of all your increase and is to be
given to the Lord. The Jews brought their tithe to the temple, which allowed the
temple to operate (Mai. 3:10). A tithe was first seen being given by Abraham, a man of
faith, long before the Law was ever instituted (Gen. 14:20). In addition, Jesus also
encouraged the tithe not to be left undone (Matt. 23:23). Second is an offering, which
describes any giving above your tithe, which could be given to the Lord or to the
Lord's work, such as to a missionary or to an individual for any reason to bless them
(Luke 21:4). Under the Law this was called the whole burnt offering. Third is an
almsgiving, which is a special offering given specifically to the poor (1 Cor. 16:1-4) (2
Cor. 8:1-9:15). Giving in any of these ways must be done remembering that God will
never be your debtor, He will always give back to you, "pressed down, shaken
together, and running over" (Luke 6:38).

4.  Savings. Joseph is the best biblical example of a wise man and a good steward who
was specifically directed by God to save. He delivered himself and at least two nations
from starvation because he obeyed the specific direction to save the grain from the
prosperous years of their harvest. This is also the basis of David's prayer in the Psalms
for the sons of Israel: "That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that
our daughters may be as pillars, sculptured in palace style; that our barns may be full,
supplying all kinds of produce; that our sheep may bring forth thousands and ten
thousands in our fields; that our oxen may be well-laden; that there be no breaking in
or going out; that there be no outcry in our streets. Happy are the people who are in
such a state; happy are the people whose God is the LORD " (Ps. 144:12-15)! To have
barns full so that there would be no hunger, a man would obviously have to save
something in his barn. In addition, Solomon encouraged savings so that we might be
able to leave an inheritance to our children and grand-children. He declared: "A good
man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, but the wealth of the sinner is
stored up for the righteous " (Prov. 13:22).

5.      Discretionary spending. Discretionary means that some spending is optional and not
required. It's the extra money that you possess and choose to spend on things for your
enjoyment. Note that Paul even acknowledges this aspect of money when he exhorts
those who are rich and who would have plenty of money for discretionary spending.
"Command those who are rich in this present age not to be haughty, nor to trust in
uncertain riches but in the living God, who gives us richly all things to enjoy. Let them
do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to give, willing to share " (1 Tim. 6:17-
18). Therefore, there is nothing wrong with richly enjoying what God has given you,
but be sure you are also rich in good works and giving.

B. Make a budget.

1. Why establish a budget. A budget is a plan for how you propose to use your finances on a monthly basis. "The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty" (Prov. 21:5). Notice that Solomon says that a wise and diligent man that has plenty is a man who has a plan. A budget is simply a plan that you follow to pay your bills, keep out of debt, and which allows you to see exactly how much discretionary money you have to spend. When you are too hasty concerning financial decisions you will always struggle with poverty. Another example where Paul encouraged a budgetary plan is in 1 Corinthians 16:1-3. Paul encourages them: "Now concerning the collection for the saints, as I have given orders to the churches ofGalatia, so you must do also: On the first day of the week let each one of you lay something aside, storing up as he may prosper, that there be no

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collections when I come. And when I come, whomever you approve by your letters I will send to bear your gift to Jerusalem. " Notice that Paul didn't want the Corinthians scrambling around trying to take up this offering for the poor saints in Jerusalem. He told them to store up this offering once a week. Likewise when people don't have a budget they end up scrambling around trying to figure out how to meet their bills. This is not what God intends for His children.

2. How to establish a budget. First, fill in the work sheet at the end of this study so you can see exactly how much money you have coming in, where you are spending it, and how much discretionary income you have available. Second, to establish a budget, simply determine how much of each check you receive will go to your fixed bills, debt, giving, and savings. What's left over are your discretionary funds. C. Stick to your budget. A budget is a worthless plan and a waste of time to prepare if you

won't stick to it. Ask the Lord for self-discipline to help you be faithful to your plan. As

you remain faithful to your budget you will see the Lord's blessing on your finances and

the plenty filling your barns.

How to Begin Budgeting

Stepl

List all available income that you receive monthly.

Salary (husband)_____________

Salary (wife)________________

Other______________________

Other______________________

Other

Total income

Step 2

List your monthly expenditures.

| Date  Amount |

Date  Amount

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Step 3

Now determine how much money you must use from each paycheck to meet these obligations.

Total income:                 ________________

Fixed expenses:         -________________

Variable expenses:     -________________

Remaining amount:      ________________

Divide this remaining amount by the number of paychecks you get per month. This figure will be the amount of money you possess for all discretionary spending.

Step 4

Now determine how you will separate your discretionary money from that which you'll need to pay your monthly expenses. You may want to use an envelope system where you take cash from your deposit each week and place this money in individual categorized envelopes to save for your debts, or you may want to write one check each week to a savings account for these debts, or leave all the money needed for your debts in your checking account and pull out your discretionary spending money. This way you'll always know exactly how much money you have to spend.

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Part? Pre-Marital Series

Your Sexual Relationship

Sex occupies a small fraction of your time together in marriage, however, it has a very important place and influence on your entire relationship. Having a good sexual relationship is fundamental to a good marital relationship. In the very near future you will be engaged in this very intimate aspect of your marriage. Here are some important truths that will be helpful in developing this part of your future marriage.

I. Why did God Create Sex?

A. Sex was designed to enable you to express your love and affection to your spouse in the
most intimate way possible. "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her,
and likewise also the wife to her husband" (1 Cor. 7:3). The wife of Solomon said, "By
night on my bed I sought the one I love " (Song of Solomon 3:1). Notice in these passages
that love is the primary motivation for their sexual relationship.

B.  God designed sex to be a mutually satisfying and pleasurable experience. "Let her breasts

satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured (intoxicated) with her love" (Prov. 5:19). The Shulamite describes her lovemaking with Solomon as that which sustained and refreshed her (Song of Solomon 2:5). Remember it was God who created you with the ability to experience pleasure in the marriage bed. Sex is not dirty or unholy in any respect. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled (pure) " (Heb. 13:4).

C.  God designed sex to bring forth children: "Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived

and bore Cain" (Gen. 4:1). However, children are not the primary purpose of your sexual union. If it were, you would produce children every time you had sexual relations. Sex is an expression of your love for one another which ultimately produces the fruit of children.

D. God wanted you to have an intimacy of knowledge that can occur no other way: "Adam
knew Eve his wife " (Gen. 4:1). This knowing of one another is reserved only for your
future marriage.

E.  God wanted to create a oneness between a man and his wife that they would have with no

one else: "...and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Sex produces a spiritual, emotional and physical oneness between you and your future spouse that you will find with no other person.

F.  God designed sex for marriage to keep you from sexual immorality: "Because of sexual

immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (1 Cor. 7:2). A good sexual relationship with your spouse is the best protection against sexual temptation and adultery in your future marriage. This is the clear intent of Solomon's exhortation to have a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage. He said, "As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?" (Prov. 5:19-20). This passage should be a real encouragement to work just as hard in this area of your future marriage as you do in any other.

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II. What Causes Sexual Problems and Destroys Sexual Passion Between a Husband and Wife?

It is not uncommon for couples to have difficulties in their sexual relationship. However, you can avoid many troubles by heeding the counsel given in God's Word concerning the sexual relationship. Therefore, consider some of the causes for sexual problems in the marital union.

A.  You can experience sexual problems simply because of a lack of a close personal walk

with Christ. When you lack an intimacy with God it is very difficult to have real intimacy with your spouse on any level. You can't give what you don't have. It takes more than the physical act of sex to have intimacy with your partner. True intimacy requires a loving heart that has been opened by God, one that is willing to sacrificially give and care for another person more than oneself.

B.  Sexual problems can occur because of unresolved conflicts with your future spouse. When

you have underlying resentments in your heart it is very difficult to express or receive love from your spouse. Love and resentment can't come out of the same fountain. "Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?" (James 3:11). Therefore, don't expect to experience good sexual relations when you are failing to resolve your conflicts with one another.

C.  Sexual problems can occur when there is a lack of understanding of the practical

mechanics of sex. You must learn what is pleasurable to your spouse and what is not. This takes good communication, loving sensitivity, and time.

D.  Sexual problems can occur when there have been past hurtful experiences that have
remained unresolved. If you or your future mate has been sexually abused or raped as a
child or an adult, and the incident is unresolved in the heart, these issues can cause great
difficulty in your sexual and marital relationship. These issues can and need to be
resolved before God prior to your marriage. Seek further counsel from your pastor or
women's leadership within your church. In addition, you may access another resource
from our web site entitled How to deal with past abuse at www.calvaryag.org .

E.  Sexual problems can occur because of pain due to physical injury or past surgeries. See

your doctor for help in these cases.

F.  Sexual problems can occur because of selfishness. An unwillingness to give love in this

area of the marriage will naturally cause conflicts. Sacrificial love is the only solution for selfishness.

G.  Sexual problems can occur when you defraud your partner (1 Cor. 7:5).

H. Sexual problems can occur when one or both use sex as a weapon to punish the other.

I. Sexual problems can occur if you belittle the other's sexual abilities. You must learn to address your sexual problems with respect and gentleness.

J. Sexual problems can occur if you allow sex to become routine. Routine is death to the excitement and the intoxication that God intended when He created sex. Don't fall into this trap. Be spontaneous and creative.

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K. Sexual problems can occur because you are not resolving some sexual dissatisfaction. Talk about the problems. Does your spouse even know that you are unsatisfied? If you can't work it out together, get counseling. Don't let the problems go on and on. It will only get worse.

L. Sexual problems can occur because of a general lack of closeness due to a lack of communication, spiritual agreement, or emotional support.

M. Sexual problems can occur because of medications that can cause impotence or loss of desire in both men and women. Every person reacts differently to medications so this is not an absolute, but it is important to have this information in case a problem arises. According to Indiana University's Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction these are the medications to check:

1.  Birth control pills? Any medication containing the female hormone progestin can

change your sexual desire.

2.     Tranquilizers or sedatives? (Xanax, Valium, Librium, Halcion)

3.     Anti-depressants? (Prozac, Elavil)

4.     Blood pressure medications? (Inderal, Aldomet, Catapres)

5.     Ulcer drugs? (Tagamet, Zantac)

6.     Appetite suppressants?

7.     Migraine medications? (Propranolol)

8.     Steroids? (Prednisone)

9.     Antipsychotic medications? (Thorazine, Haldol, Mellaril, Stelazine, Lithium)

10.   Anticonvulsant medications used for epilepsy?

11.   Antihistamine or decongestant medications for the common cold?

If you are taking any of these medications and are having sexual problems, consult your doctor before discontinuing use. Your doctor can probably recommend another medication without this side effect.

III. What are Some Practical Steps that Would Help You to Grow in Your Sexual Relationship?

A.  Understand that your body is not your own. Do you understand that you will be giving up

the right to your body when you get married? "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does "(1 Cor. 7:4). Up to this point in your life no other person has had the right to touch you sexually. However, on your wedding night this will all change.

B.  Understand that to refuse sexual relations with your spouse without his or her consent is

sin. This is because you are defrauding your loved one of his or her right to your body. "Do not deprive one another except with consent..." (1 Cor. 7:5). On your wedding day you will vow before God to meet your mate's needs in every way, including sexually. On the other hand, this does not mean you have to make love whenever your future spouse approaches you. It is appropriate when you are tired or sick, to ask if you can wait until the next night. Hopefully, your spouse would lovingly consent in these circumstances.

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C. Understand your differences hormonally. One of you may have a very high sexual drive;

the other may not. If your future spouse has a high sexual drive this does not mean that he or she just wants you for sex. Likewise, if your spouse has a lack of sexual drive this does not mean he or she doesn't love you. In this case, both parties usually question the other's love. It is not a question of how much love is involved, but the level of hormones that are flowing through his or her blood stream.

D. Understand that love is the only solution to any sexual problem. If you love your future

spouse you will seek to meet his or her need no matter what your level of sexual desire might be. Love goes beyond feelings and drives. The bottom line is this: In the future if you are forcing your will upon your spouse to have sex, you are not loving. Likewise, if you refuse to meet your mate's sexual needs, you are not acting in love. Love will always enable you to find agreement.

E.  To understand each other you must communicate about your needs. When there is

dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship, it is usually because people won't talk about the problems. Therefore, begin on your honeymoon to gently and lovingly discuss your likes and dislikes before there is a problem. Refrain from any such discussion prior to marriage because this will only incite you to temptation and thoughts which you can't fulfill.

F.  Understanding the sexual relationship also comes from study. Read Christian books

together on this subject. Some suggestions are: The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye or Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat.

IV. The Wedding night

A. Have realistic expectations. Don't expect your wedding night to be perfect. To develop a

good sexual relationship requires time, insight, and understanding of your partner's likes and dislikes.

B.  Be sensitive. Remember, at the end of your wedding day you will be very tired and

emotionally drained. Therefore, take time with each other. After you've been married for a few months your future mate will be much more comfortable with this aspect of your relationship. Be patient!

C.  Be communicative. The keys to a good sexual relationship are patience, gentleness, and

communication. It is imperative that you tell your spouse what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.

D. Be wise. Sexual intercourse may be painful. Therefore, I suggest either that the husband

or the wife should bring along some kind of lubrication product. This will help you avoid having a difficult wedding night.

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Pre-Marital Series

Remarriage - Are You Ready?

Please answer all questions on a separate piece of paper.

I.  Resolving the Past

A. How do you know your past marriage is over?

B. What did your spouse do that contributed to the breakup of your marriage? List specific

attitudes and actions.

C. What did you do that contributed to the breakup of your marriage?

List specific attitudes and actions.

D. How are you seeking to resolve these issues in your life?

E.  What feelings and emotions do you experience when you see your previous spouse?

F.  Have you fully forgiven your previous mate? How can you be sure?

G. Have you accepted God's forgiveness for your personal failures? How can you be sure?

H. Are there any other people that contributed to your marriage breaking up? If so, have you forgiven them?

I. Do you believe you have biblical grounds for remarriage? If so, what verses of Scripture are you standing on? Are there any verses of Scripture on the subject of remarriage that trouble you?

II. Expectations for the Future

A.  What have you learned from your past marriage that will help you in your new marriage?

B.  What have you learned about yourself?

a. Your needs?

b. Your goals?

c. Your weaknesses?

C.  How are you expecting your new spouse to handle your previous marriage partner when

contact occurs?

a. When there is conflict over money?

b. When there is conflict over the children?

D.  How are you expecting your new partner to be different from your previous marriage

partner?

E.  Are there any ways the two are alike? What ways? How do you expect to react to these

similarities?

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F.  What are the greatest strengths in your new relationship?

G. What do you think will be the greatest challenges you will face in this new relationship?
III. The Children.

A. Have you discussed your possible marriage with each of your children?

B. What are their thoughts concerning your marriage and your new partner?

C. Do they have any reservations or concerns about your possible marriage? If so, how have

you responded to these concerns?

D. Have you given your children the sense of total freedom to express their opinion regarding

their acceptance or rejection of your possible marriage?

E.  How have you seen your future mate interact with your children? Are you confident that

he or she loves your children and will accept his or her parenting responsibilities?

F.  How would you include your children in the wedding ceremony?

G. Will you give the children the freedom to call your new spouse by their first name, or will
you require them to use "Mom" or "Dad"?

H. What is your future partner's parenting style and methods of discipline? Have you discussed this issue with your fiancee?

I. How is his or her parenting styles different from yours? How are they similar?

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God's Method For Change

Everywhere in Scripture, God requires and commands men and women to make radical changes in their lives which will enable them to become godly individuals (2 Kings 17:13; 2 Chron. 7:14; Ez. 18:30; Acts 14:15). What God requires must begin with the most radical change known to man, the new birth. Even the use of this terminology of a new birth describes just how drastic this change will be. God declares that this individual becomes a totally new person, with a new heart, with a completely justified standing in Christ Jesus (2 Cor. 5:17). However, how do all the further changes occur in a person's life after their new birth?

God's Method for Change (2 Tim. 3:16-17).

A. Teaching

Once you repent of your sin, and trust in Christ, you are bora again or born from above by the entrance of God's Spirit into your life. As a newborn Christian, you should natu­rally hunger for the milk of God's Word, as a newborn baby does for his mother's milk. Peter declared, "As newborn babes desire the pure milk of the Word that you may grow thereby" (I Peter 2:2). Therefore, God uses His Word as the primary instrument to teach you and to help you understand what He wants to change, and then gives you the faith to believe He can do it (Rom. 10:17).

B.  Conviction

Once the Word enters your heart, God continues this process of change by bringing con­viction with regard to any attitude or behavior that is sinful or displeasing to Him. What God now begins to do is to work on your heart through the understanding He has given through His Word. This conviction in your heart brings the willingness to change from within you and keeps you from attempting any external works or self-effort. Paul told Timothy to preach the Word, confident of its ability to convict, rebuke, and encourage people (2 Tim. 4:2). Jesus said, "as many as I love, I convict..." (Rev. 3:9). Also, it is extremely important to understand that conviction is different from condemnation. Con­viction is sent by the love of God to draw you back to Himself. Condemnation does not come from God towards His children. "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). Condemnation is only for the ungodly and those who cast off their faith (Jude 1:4) (1 Tim. 5:12).

C.  Correction

The next step in God's changing process is correction of your behavior. This correction of your lifestyle is a natural consequence of God's teaching and the resulting conviction in your heart. You now have an inner desire and motivation to receive all of the correc­tion in your life that God will encourage you to take. How does this correction occur?

1. God begins by teaching you and convicting you through His Word that a cer­
tain behavior is sinful. His conviction gives you the inner motivation to repent.
Repentance and faith begin the correction process. Jesus began His ministry by
preaching these words: "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at
hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel" (Mark 1:15). The word repent means
to change your mind concerning your sin and then to reverse direction in your
life. To repent you must believe that Jesus is Lord and obey His commands.

2.    In addition, you must not only repent and believe, but you must then believe
and reckon yourself dead to sin. Reckoning is the means by which God's cor­
rection brought about by repentance will continue to transform your attitudes
and behaviors. How does this work?

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Scripture teaches that "Sin shall not have dominion over you..." (Rom. 6:14). As you believe this declaration of His Word, that sin shall not have dominion or control over you, the correction process continues in your heart. If you don't fully understand what it means that sin shall not have dominion over you, ask God for His spiritual understanding and illumination (Eph. 1:17). Meditate upon this verse: "Know this that your old man was crucified with Him" (Rom. 6:6). Are you absolutely sure that you believe that your old man was crucified with Christ? If not, you need a spiritual revelation within your heart to be fully persuaded that your old man is truly crucified with Christ (Col. 3:3). You can't by faith reckon yourself to be dead to sin if you don't believe you are crucified with Christ.

3. To pray and stand in faith upon God's truth that you are free from sin's do­minion is what it means "to reckon yourself dead to sin," or to "put to death the deeds of the body," or the command to "put off" the old man and his deeds (Rom. 6:11) (Rom. 8:13) (Eph. 4:22). Here is how you practically do it.

*       When a thought or desire comes into your mind to sin, stand by faith on the
fact that your sinful nature and this desire do not have the right to hold you as
a slave any longer, based on Romans 6:6.

*       Confess to God in prayer that you believe in His promise: "For he who has
died has been freed from sin " (Rom. 6:7). This means that if you died with
Christ, then you are now free from sin and its dominion in your life.

*       Present yourself to God in prayer and yield yourself to His Holy Spirit, asking
Him to take full control of you. This is what it means "to reckon yourself
alive to God" (Rom. 6:11), or to put on "the new man" (Eph. 4:24).

*       In addition, determine from the Word exactly what attitude or behavior God
wants you to put on. Again, ask for the power of the Spirit and His conviction
to walk this new way.

*       Apply these biblical steps to each attitude or behavior that you struggle with
in your life.

D. Training and Discipline in Righteousness

The final step in maintaining all lasting change is discipline. Every time you allow the Word of God to bring conviction and correction into your life, you are disciplining and training yourself in righteousness. You are forming new habits by rejecting what is sinful and yielding to what is righteous. These decisions and choices are how God trains and exercises you to godliness (1 Tim. 4:7). These decisions are also the means of daily growth in self-control and self-discipline, which are fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22). All lasting change is ultimately the fruit of consistent choices to surrender by faith to the conviction of God's commands and promises, and doing so on a consistent and daily ba­sis. The result will be a godly man or woman! Study these Scriptures for further under­standing concerning God's training method for righteousness.

1. Training in righteousness results as you yield to your conscience (Acts 24:16).

2.     Training in righteousness results as you receive His correction (Heb. 12:11).

3.     Training in righteousness results as you obey and practice the instructions of
His Word (Heb. 5:14)

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How To Deal With Anger I. You must first understand anger from a biblical perspective.

Anger is a normal emotion experienced by all people at various times in life. Some believe anger is always a destructive emotion, while others believe it can be used in a constructive way. Which is true? Is it possible to control anger, and if so how? When you don't control your anger, how can you resolve it?

A.  Is anger always wrong or sinful?

1.  No, because Paul commands you to "be angry and sin not" (Eph. 4:26). This passage
clearly makes a distinction between being angry and sinning. Actually, Paul is
commanding you to be angry, thus revealing the fact that anger can be used in the life of
a Christian without the necessity of falling into sin. The Bible also teaches that "God is
angry with the wicked everyday" (Psalms 7:11). Jesus also spoke to the religious legalists
"...with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts..." (Mark 3:5). In I Samuel

11:6, we also see that the fruit of the Holy Spirit coming upon Saul caused "his anger to be greatly aroused," which then motivated him to do God's work.

2. Therefore, anger is an emotion that can be used in a constructive way if it is expressed in
harmony with biblical limitations and principles. The problem is that many times anger is
not expressed in a biblical way and results in great conflict between people.

B.  How is anger expressed destructively?

1. Anger is very destructive if you allow yourself to blow up and vent your anger upon
another person. Some people call this "letting off steam," when in reality, it is the sinful
use of anger and wrath to destroy or manipulate another person. The Scripture declares,
"The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). David
commands, "cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret, it only causes harm "
(Psalms 37:8). Solomon also declares, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds
them back" (Prov. 29:11). The use of anger in this manner is clearly a violation of God's
commands, which ultimately hinders effective communication and relationship with
others.

2.    A second way anger is used destructively is when you internalize or bury your anger
inside. This action is just as wrong as blowing up and venting your anger. Paul taught in
Ephesians 4:27, "do not let the sun go down on your anger." This passage commands you
not to allow your anger to boil within your heart even for one night. God wants you to
quickly deal with your anger and what is causing it, even before you go to sleep each
night. This is what God was trying to get Cain to do when he asked him, "Why are you
angry" (Gen. 4:6)? God knew that Cain was very upset and wanted him to identify what
was causing his anger in order to help him resolve it. Without dealing with the causes of
your anger, sin will ultimately gain control of you and eventually cause a new conflict.

3.    If your anger has caused you to sin, seek God's forgiveness and the person's you have
offended by your anger. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our
sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). If you are holding onto
anger and resentment, identify why you are angry and then take the appropriate biblical
action.

•

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C.  How is anger expressed constructively?

1. The only way anger can be expressed constructively is, it must be restrained and controlled. Is this possible? Solomon declares, "// is prudent for a man to restrain his anger (Prov. 19:11, Berkeley Version). "He who is slow to anger is of great understanding, but whoever is hasty of spirit exalts folly" (Prov. 14:29, Berkeley Version). Therefore, Scripture makes it clear that anger can and must be restrained and controlled.

D. How can you restrain and control your anger?

1. First, you must make a choice to control your anger. Is this possible? Have you ever been
arguing with someone at home and the phone rings? What did you do? Didn't you choose
to control your anger and simply answer the phone and speak calmly to the caller? Paul
says, "do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts" (Rom.
6:12). Therefore, the control of your flesh is primarily a choice. You can also make the
same choice not to allow your anger to reign in your heart. How many times, before you
were a Christian, did a conflict occur at work with your boss? He or she said or did
something to make you angry, but you chose to control your anger and say nothing
simply because you wanted to keep your job. This proves that even as a non-Christian
you could choose to control your anger. How much more today should you as a Christian
be able to restrain it? Today you have the restraining power of the Holy Spirit to help
you.

2.     Choose to surrender to the Holy Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control. He enables
you to do all that I am about to explain in these next pages. You need the "living water"
of His Spirit to quench the fire of your anger (John 7:37-39). God's Holy Spirit is
stronger than your anger. This is why Paul said, "/ can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). He will strengthen you to control your anger, if you will
simply ask the Spirit of God to come and reign inside you.

3.     Choose to deal with the small issues before they build into resentment. Many times the
failure to resolve small offenses with a person will ultimately lead you to those volcanic
eruptions of anger and rage. Moses is one of the best examples of allowing multiple
issues to frustrate and anger him to the point of this kind of explosion. Scripture reveals
that he suffered the people and their contradictions year after year until finally he lost his
temper. Moses became angry and "spoke rashly with his lips " (Ps. 106:32-33). The
simple solution to this problem of building resentment was given by Jesus when He
taught us to deal quickly with a conflict (Matt. 5:25). Paul also taught that we should not
allow the sun to go down on our wrath (Eph. 4:26).

4.  Choose to control and restrain your words. Solomon says, "a soft answer turns away
wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1). Harsh words stir up whomever you
are speaking to, but it also stirs up your anger if you keep talking. Therefore, if you want
to control your anger, "be swift to hear, slow to speak", and you will be "slow to wrath "
(James 1:19). In other words, stop talking and listen more, this helps you to calm down
and reason more clearly. If you allow them to, harsh words will stir you up as well.

5.     Choose to control and restrain your thoughts. When you allow angry and resentful
thoughts and accusations to rule and control your mind, you will continue to boil inside.
You need the peace of God to rule your heart and mind which enables you to think
clearly and constructively as to a biblical course of action and solution to the problem. To
accomplish this, you must first understand why you are angry. God asked Cain, "Why

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are you angry?" (Gen. 4:6). He asked this question before Cain killed his brother Abel in the attempt to help him resolve his rage. Therefore, determine, are you angry at God, people, or yourself? Then you must re-think the issue biblically from God's perspective, which will naturally enable you to control your anger. Solomon explained that "the discretion (wisdom or understanding) of a man makes him slow to anger, and it is to his glory to overlook a transgression " (Prov. 19: 1 1). God's wisdom and discretion will help you to think and act in an appropriate manner to resolve why you are angry, before you take an inappropriate action as Cain did. In addition, God's wisdom will bring peace as you choose to refuse the hateful and revengeful thoughts of bitterness. You must acknowledge these thoughts as sinful before God and ask His forgiveness. Paul promised that if you will meditate on "things that are true, things that are just... The God of peace with you" (Phil. 4:8-9).

6. Choose to control and restrain your actions. Take a short time out when you realize that you, or the other party in the conversation, are beginning to get out of control. Solomon said, "It is honorable to a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). He also commanded in Proverbs 17:14, "Stop contention before a quarrel starts. " Taking a time out will allow you and others to pray and get under control before an explosion occurs. This will entail walking away from the confrontation before you explode. Even Jesus walked away from the emotionally charged confrontation when the Jews wanted to throw Him off a cliff (Luke 4:28-30).

Don't grab, push, or have any physical contact with a person you are angry with or that you know is angry with you. If you try to force someone physically to do what you want, this will only increase their anger and resistance.

E.  What should anger motivate you to do?

1. First, you must be confident that the constructive use of anger will always motivate you
to a biblical and godly action. This is why God created you with the ability to get angry.
He wants this powerful emotion to encourage you to do what is right when there is an
issue to be solved.

2.     Next, look at other individuals in the Bible who were motivated to godly action because
of their anger. You should follow these examples:

a. Moses was led to pray for the people because of his anger (Num. 16:15).

b. Saul was motivated by anger to resist the evil of another nation (I Sam. 1 1:6).

c. Nehemiah was led to rebuke the rulers of the people for their sin (Neh. 5:6-7). He did
this in a controlled way.

d. David was drawn to prayer and meditation because of his anger. He then trusted God
and did what was righteous (Ps. 4:3-5).

e. Jesus resisted the peer pressure of the Pharisees to speak boldly and healed a man on
the Sabbath. This, of course, was right thing to do (Mark 3:5).

F.  How does someone reconcile his or her anger toward God?

1 . Anger toward God occurs when we question His character or His love. We begin to wonder why God allowed this to happen. Did He really do the righteous thing?

2. This is what caught Adam in the Garden. He charged God with being at fault for giving him the woman who led him to sin. He said, "...the woman You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate" (Gen. 3: 12).

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"

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3. How do you deal with this anger?

a.  You must reject outright even the thought that God is unrighteous. In Romans 9:14,
Paul says "God forbid" to this question of God doing unrighteousness. The words
"God forbid" literally mean, "perish the thought." Paul refused even the thought that
God was unrighteous.

b. Why should you reject even the thought that God would do unrighteousness?

1. Because He has proven His love for you by dying on the cross (Rom. 8:32). If He
has given His Son for your sin, how could you think He doesn't care about you?

2.      Because, like Habakkuk in the Old Testament, God can do things you have no
way of comprehending. God told him that he just had to trust Him (Hab. 1:1-5;
Hab. 2:4). God's ways and His timing are not always going to be in harmony with
yours.

3.      Because God's ways aren't like your ways, and His thoughts are different than
yours. Read these passages: (Isaiah 55:8-9) (Psalms 147:3-5) (Psalms 73).

G. How does someone reconcile his or her anger toward people?

1. In minor issues you should pass over the transgression. Many times people have no
intention of purposely offending you (Prov. 19:11).

2.     But, if it is clear someone intended to offend you, or if you know that someone is angry
with you, you must go to them alone and reconcile. "Moreover if your brother sins
against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you
have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar,
and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there
before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come
and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23-24). You need to personally reconcile these issues.

3.  All through the process your anger must be restrained and controlled. The reason for this

is; "the wrath of man never works the righteousness of God" (James 1:20).

H. How do you reconcile anger that is turned in toward yourself?

1. If you have dealt with your sin in the correct way: (repentance, confession, and forsaking
the sin), then you must rest in God's knowledge. John says, "if our heart condemns us,
God is greater than our heart and knows all things " (1 John 3:20). What does He
know? He knows that you have sincerely repented and forsaken this sin. He knows the
sincerity of your heart in its desire to reconcile before God and man. Stand on the Word
of God on this issue, not your feelings.

2.      Then take any action required in God's Word that will seek to rectify the problem. This
will cause your conscience to approve your actions as you attempt to reconcile any sin
or failure (1 John 3:18-19) (Rom. 2:15). Taking the biblical action required is essential
to quiet the accusations of your conscience.

3.      Once you have taken the above action, you must rest in the sovereignty of God to work
even your mistakes and failures for good. Joseph encouraged his brothers not to be
angry with themselves because God had turned all their evil around for good (Gen.
45:5). Believe that God will do the same in your life.

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Guilt Over The Past

Everyone must deal with guilt at some time in their life. Understanding where guilt comes from, the right and wrong ways to handle it, and recognizing the many misconceptions about guilt are essential for dealing with it properly.

A. Where does guilt come from?

1. It comes as a natural result of breaking God's Law (Rom. 3:19).

2.     It comes as a result of violating your conscience (Rom. 2:15).

3.     It can come from your own heart condemning you (1 John 3:20) (Rom. 14:22).

4.     It can come from other people condemning you (Psalms 109:31) (Luke 6:37).

5.     It can come from the devil condemning you (1 Tim. 3:6) (Rev. 12:10).

B. Two ways to deal with guilt.

1.  The wrong way

You can do what Adam and Eve did after they disobeyed God. They ran from Him, hid themselves, excused themselves, they blamed God, then they blamed each other and Satan for their problems (Genesis 3:7-13). Similarly, you could do what King David did after committing adultery with Bathsheba. He manipulated and deceived people, to cover the guilt of his sin. This behavior is what led David to commit the even more grievous sin of murdering Uriah (2 Sam. 11). It's important to note that none of these actions did anything to solve David's problem with guilt. His actions only made things worse.

2. The right way

There are a few simple words that sum up God's way to relieve men of their guilt. They are: repent, confess, and forsake (Mark 1:15) (1 John 1:9) (Prov. 28:13) (2 Cor. 5:20) (Matt. 5:24). Believe God's promise of forgiveness, repent of your sins, confess these to God and man, then turn and forsake these sins. Next, seek reconciliation with anyone you have offended. Each of these steps will cause you to experience freedom from the guilt of the past. This is the promise of God's Word. God doesn't want you to live under guilt and condemnation. Jesus said He didn't come to condemn the world, but He came that the world might be saved (John 3:17). God wants to forgive your sin, not condemn you. Deal with your guilt God's way, and joy and freedom will result!

C. What causes a Christian to struggle with guilt, even after taking the above steps?

A. You don't understand or believe the reasons God has declared as to why you have sinned and failed.

1. When vou were a non-Christian you must understand:

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a. You sinned and failed in your behavior because you are a sinner by nature
(Rom. 5:12) (Eph. 2:3).

b. You sinned and failed because you were blinded by sin and Satan (2 Cor.
4:4) (1 John 2:11) (Luke 23:24).

2. Now that you are a Christian:

a. You sin because you underestimate the power of your sinful nature and the

influence of temptation to compromise your beliefs (Rom. 7:11-24) (Luke 22:46).

b. You will sometimes choose to not walk under the control of the Spirit and,

therefore, you end up fulfilling the desires of your flesh (Gal. 5:16,17). This brings forth every evil work (James 3:15,16).

The underlying problem you must address: You think you have sinned because you are some kind of especially evil person. You think you are more than just a sinner by nature.

B.  You don't understand or believe your present standing in Christ.

a. By grace you have been saved. You have been freely justified by His grace
alone. The word, freely in Greek means "For nothing" (Rom. 3:24). You have
your standing in Christ today by grace only. You have done nothing to deserve
this.

b. You have been declared righteous and holy in Christ simply because of your
faith in His finished work (Phil. 3:8,9) (Col. 1:19-22) (2 Cor. 5:21). Your past
has been put away once and for all (Heb. 9:26).

The underlying problem you must address: You don't truly understand what it means to be justified by Christ.

C.  You do not understand, believe, or accept God's forgiveness.

1. God's forgiveness is His promise not to mark or mention your sin ever again
(Psalms 103:3,4) (Isaiah 43:25) (Heb. 8:12). The Hebrew word for remember
means to mark, mention or recount. What a promise! This means that God will
not be mentioning to you your past forgiven sin just so you will feel bad and
want to repent again. He chooses not to remember it against you forever.

2.     His forgiveness has nothing to do with forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself is
not a biblical concept, but has filtered into the church from secular psychology.
As sinners, we don't have the right or the ability to forgive ourselves. Only God
can forgive our sins. Even the Pharisees understood this (Mark 2:7).

The underlying problem you must address: You must still believe that God has not forgiven you.

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D. You don't understand what it means to forget what is behind.

1. In Phil. 3:13, the worxl forget means to neglect, or put out of your mind.

2.     You must learn how to discipline your own thoughts. Many Christians don't

believe this is even possible. Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit doesn't put fear in our hearts, but love, power and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). The fruit of the Spirit will help you to make the choice to discipline your mind and not think about the evil done to you or the evil you have done to others (2 Cor. 10:5) (Phil. 4:8). Your daily choices to control your thought life will enable you to not go back and dwell on your past sins.

The underlying problem you must address: You are allowing your mind to dwell on your past sins. Choose to control these thoughts with the help of the Holy Spirit.

D. If you are confident that you know and believe the above truths, and yet still
struggle with guilt, what could be wrong?

1. Satan may be condemning you. He is the accuser of the brethren and the father
of all lies (Rev. 12:10) (John 8:44).

2.     You may be continuing in a behavior that you are unwilling to admit is sinful.
Your conscience will accuse you for this behavior, and the result will be guilt
(Rom. 2:15).

3.     The only other reason for guilt could be self-deception over one of the above
truths. If your conscience is still "accusing you" then something is wrong (Rom.
2:15). You must determine what this is and resolve it.

E. How You Can Resolve Your Guilt?

1.  First, determine from the above study the cause of your guilt.

2.         Take the appropriate action.
Example:

a. Reconcile with God.

b. Reconcile with man.

c. Believe God's Word about what God has said about you.

d. Receive God's forgiveness and pray for His deliverance (Psalms 51:14).

e. Control your thought life.

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How To Control Your Thoughts and Feelings

In the process of God changing you there is one issue that has a dramatic effect on your success or failure. This issue is the battle between your feelings and desires and God's commands. Every day you must make a decision whether you will yield to your feelings and desires or obey His commands. The writer of Hebrews declared that Moses had to make this choice. He choose "rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin " (Heb. 11:25). This is the choice that each of us must make on a daily basis. Consider for a moment the importance of your feelings and desires.

1. A Biblical Look At Feelings And Desires

A. Yielding to feelings and desires is what caused Adam and Eve to disobey God's direct

command in the garden (Gen. 3:6).

B.  Yielding to feelings and desires is what caused the children of Israel to disobey God in

the wilderness. Scripture declares that they "yielded to their intense craving" (Num. 11:4). They did this because they didn't trust God (Num. 14:1-10).

C.  Moses overcame his thoughts and feelings of inadequacy by simply obeying the

command of God (Ex. 4:1-20). This example reveals the way to overcome your thoughts and feelings. You must simply make a choice to obey God in spite of your thoughts and without regard for what the circumstances or consequences may be.

D. Jesus gave another very important instruction to His disciples concerning how they

could overcome their feelings of not wanting to forgive when others offended them. He taught them that even if a person sins against you seven times in one day, and repents each time, you must forgive him. The disciples were amazed when they heard this teaching. They said, "increase our faith." Jesus proceeded to tell them a simple story concerning a field worker. This man had worked all day and was tired when he came home. He didn't feel like doing any more work that day; but his master said, come and serve me, then you can sit down to dinner. Then Jesus said, "Does he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not" (Luke 17:9). Jesus is relating the action of this servant to His disciples and their responsibility to forgive even when they don't feel like it. His point is that they must forgive simply because they are commanded to forgive. Therefore, if you wait for a feeling of forgiveness to come you'll never do it. Do what is right because you are commanded to it, like the field worker.

E.  All aspects of the Christian life and the victory you hope for will be determined by

your decision to obey God's commands in spite of your feelings. Don't wait for a feeling before you obey God. Choose to obey Him whether you feel like it or not. The correct feelings will always follow your correct obedience (John 13:17). Remember, you probably didn't feel like getting up out of bed this morning to go to work. However, you chose to get up and go to work because your boss commanded you to be there at a certain time. After you got up and were off to work your feelings changed.

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2. How Do Feelings. Thoughts. And Your Behavior Work Together?

A. First, you must understand the connection between your feelings, your thought life,
and your behavior.

1.  Your feelings are directly associated with your thoughts. If you want to control your
feelings you must first control your thought life. In Mark 14:72, when Peter thought
about his denial of Jesus it declares that, he wept. Notice that his feelings and
emotions were directly controlled by what he thought. In Lamentations 3:19-20,
when Jeremiah remembered all of his afflictions he said, "My soul...sinks within
me. " When Jeremiah speaks of his soul sinking he is undoubtedly referring to his
emotional state. However, when he thought on God's mercies he experienced hope
within his mind (Lam. 3:21-23).

David explains this same connection between his thoughts and feelings in Psalms 73:16. When he incorrectly thought that the wicked would escape the judgment of God, it was too painful for him. He became upset and angry. However, when he went into the Sanctuary of God and turned his thoughts toward heaven (vs 17-28), the Lord gave him a new perspective and he found strength (vs 26).

2. Your feelings are directly associated with your behavior. If you want to control your
feelings you must also change your behavior. When your behavior is sinful your
conscience will accuse you. These accusations enter your mind through your
thoughts and then affect your feelings and emotions. In Romans 2:15, Paul teaches
that your conscience uses your thoughts to either accuse you or excuse you. Sinful
behavior without repentance will naturally cause accusing thoughts, which result in
depressed feelings. Godly behavior demonstrated by obedience to God's Word will
result in just the opposite feelings. Godliness results in thoughts that excuse you,
which make you feel good about your actions. In Philippians 4:8-9, Paul instructs,
"The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and
the God of peace will be with you. " Note that Paul believed that if we would follow
his example and do what he did, we would experience the peace of God. Similarly,
Jesus gave the same exhortation for how to be happy. After teaching the disciples to
be servants He said, "Ifyou know these things, happy are you if you do them" (John
13:17). Jesus taught that happiness would naturally result from doing what you know
is right. Therefore, you shouldn't wait until you feel like doing what is right. Take
the biblical action commanded and your feelings will follow.

B. Next, to control your thoughts and feelings you must make some choices.

1. Choose to examine your behavior and thoughts with the Word of God. Test what you are doing and what you are thinking with what Scripture declares (1 Thess. 5:21). If your thoughts and feelings are contrary to His Word, then you must acknowledge that these thoughts are wrong and reject them. By testing your thoughts and rejecting those that are not of God you are submitting yourself to the Father. "Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon " (Is. 55:7).

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2.      Choose to pray and ask God to bring every thought into the captivity of the
obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5) (Phil. 4:6-8). Prayer is your choice. Prayer is the
only way to receive the grace you need to help control what is inside you. Christ is
able to control your thoughts.

3.      Ask God to purify your heart before Him. Why is purifying your heart important?
Because out of an evil heart proceeds evil thoughts (Matt. 15:19) (Acts 8:21-23). If
your heart is angry, self-righteous, or resentful you will never have the correct
thoughts within your mind. If you choose not to think in a godly way neither will
you behave in a godly way. It is important to understand that Scripture reveals the
heart and the thoughts of man are directly connected. Note how Jesus spoke of this
issue: "But when Jesus perceived their thoughts, He answered and said to them,
"Why are you reasoning in your hearts? " (Luke 5:22). Therefore, if you want
victory in your thought life, keep your heart right with God.

4.  Choose to think and meditate only on what is good, just, pure, virtuous and
praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8-9). Note: Choosing to control your thoughts will many times
cause an extreme struggle within, but you must fight this battle moment by moment
choosing to surrender your thoughts by faith to God. In an extreme battle with your
thoughts it sometimes is helpful to make a written list of things you want to think
about instead of the hurtful or evil things you have been dwelling upon. To help you
control your thoughts, take this list with you everywhere you go to enable you to
refer to it as often as needed.

When you find your mind drifting back to sinful thoughts, ask God to forgive you, pull out your list and begin meditating on what is good, and God will restore your peace again. You can control your thoughts and feelings if you will take these steps. God promised it, in Philippians 4:9.

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How To Deal With Depression

I.  What is Depression?

Depression is a feeling of sadness, despair, and hopelessness. When a person is depressed he or she believes that there is no solution to some problem that is occurring. When this problem remains unresolved a person begins to feel that there is little meaning or purpose to life. If these thoughts remain unchecked he or she may eventually not want to continue with life, and may even consider suicide. This drastic consideration is the result of believing that there is no way out of the circumstance or dilemma that is being encountered. This attitude of hopelessness encourages a person to then fail to take the appropriate actions that would solve the problem causing the depression.

II. What Causes Depression?

A. Anything can cause depression. Some things that could cause depression would be:
disappointment, an unresolved conflict with an individual, anger toward God,
unbelief, guilt, falling behind in any responsibility.

B. However, these problems, conflicts, or adverse circumstances are not "in themselves"
the cause of depression. If just adversity or problems were the cause of depression, we
would all be depressed everyday. Yet the Bible promises us that we are to have peace,
joy, and victory in the midst of adversity and trials. Jesus said, "These things I have
spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation,
but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) (1 Peter 1:6-8)

C. Consequently, the cause of depression is the way you handle adversity,
disappointment, and conflicts. This truth is evident from the teaching of the Scripture
above. God wants you to have peace in the midst of your trials. Therefore, what is the
wrong way to handle adversity? You must examine your attitude, thoughts, and
actions in the light of Scripture and determine if you are walking in faith, in love, and
obedience. If you are not, then your conscience will begin to bother you and
depression results. Why does your conscience have this effect upon you? Scripture
teaches that the mechanism of the conscience is to either "approve" or "accuse" you
(Romans 2:15) (John 13:17) (James 1:25). If your conscience approves your actions
and attitudes, you will feel great. If your conscience accuses you, depression results.

D.  Here are some Biblical examples.

1. In Genesis 4:1-9 when Cain's offering was not accepted by the Lord he became
angry at God and his brother Abel. Cain rejected God's counsel to him, which
was, "if you do the right thing you will be accepted." The Hebrew word for
accepted means; to be elated or cheerful. Therefore, he is told that if he would
simply take the right action, he would feel cheerful. However, he rejected
God's encouragement, disobeyed His counsel, and his countenance fell. He
became depressed because of his unbelief and disobedience.

2.    Read 2 Samuel 11 & 12 and Psalms 32:3-5. In these passages it is revealed that
David committed adultery and murder, and then refused to confess his sin for
about a year. He described what he felt during that rebellious time in Psalms
32. He groaned "all the day long" inside his spirit (vs. 3). He experienced a
spiritual drought in his heart until he took the biblical action necessary to

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relieve his guilt. His conscience was obviously bothering him and depression resulted. However, he confessed his sin and joy and rejoicing returned (vs. 10-11). Why? Because he obeyed his conscience and did what was right before God.

3. Notice the common denominator in both of these examples. In both cases there were wrong actions taken and each failed to obey the conviction of conscience based on their knowledge of God's Word. Depression was the result.

III. What Should You Do About Your Depression?

A. First, believe that there is a way out. This is the promise of God! "No temptation has
overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not
allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also
make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Believe today that God will provide for you a way of escape and the strength to bear
this adversity. Jesus said, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed
Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to
proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty
those who are oppressed" (Luke 4:18). If you will trust God He will heal your broken
heart and set you free from the depression you are experiencing. In addition, God
declares that He will "console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness " (Isaiah
61:3). Believe God's Word and ask Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit and to remove
the spirit of heaviness from your heart.

B. Obey God. Take whatever biblical action is necessary for your conscience to approve
you, and the depression will lift. Notice God's encouragement, "Oh, that you had
heeded my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your
righteousness like the waves of the sea" (Isaiah 48:18). Simply do what God
commands and you will have peace. Paul also said, "I myself always strive to have a
conscience without offense toward God and men" (Acts 24:16). This is the choice of
obedience.

Here are some examples of actions you may want to take.

1. If you are angry with God, take this action. Confess your sin and ask God to
give you understanding concerning His purposes.

2.  If you are holding a grudge and you are resentful toward another, take the
action commanded in Matthew 18:15-17; Mark 11:25-26; James 5:16. Seek out
the person to reconcile, confess your faults first, ask for this person's
forgiveness, pray together, and ask for God's forgiveness. These are all godly
actions that will relieve depression.

3.      If you are dwelling in your thought life on, your failures, self-condemnation, or
the terrible circumstances in your life; take these actions: First, spend time in
the Word of God meditating on His promises. Choose to obey Philippians 4:8,
"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,
whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is
anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things." Next, define each problem

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on paper to determine the causes and possible actions that might be taken to change them.

C. Take these actions no matter how you feel. Remember if you take the biblical action
required, your feelings will change. If you wait until you feel like praying or feel like
reading the Bible, you will never do it. However, when you do pray, read your Bible,
and seek the Lord, you will be encouraged and feel better.

D. The bottom line is always prayer. This is where you will come in contact with the God
of all comfort and the God of all hope (2 Cor. 1:3) (Rom. 15:13).

Study these passages for further insight as to how prayer helped David when he was depressed. (Psalms 143, 55,61, 77, 102 and 142)

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Grief and Sorrow

I.   Grief and sorrow are a result of:

A. My sin (1 Sam. 25:30-31) (Psalms 31:9-10) (John 21:17).

B. The sin of others against us (Prov. 10:1) (2 Cor. 2:4-5).

C. Unresolved guilt (Mark 10:21-22) (John 21:17).

D. Anger toward ourselves for our failures (Gen. 45:5).

E. Because we have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13).

F.  The loss of a loved one (John 11:33-36).

G. Grief is a part of life in a fallen world (Gen. 3:16-19) (Psalms 90:10).
H. Wrong priorities (1 Tim. 6:10).

II.  How can you deal with grief and sorrow?

A. Recognize Jesus bore all your grief and sorrow (Isaiah 53:4).

B. You must sorrow in a godly manner which will always lead to repentance wherever it is

needed (2 Cor. 7:10).

C. If you confess your sin, He promises to forgive (1 John 1:9).

D. You must go to prayer as Hannah did with her grief and sorrow. Remember, God heard

her cry for help (1 Sam. 1:12-16).

E. You must recognize that some suffering and grief must be endured because of your
conscience toward God. Even though you may suffer wrongfully, God will sustain you
(1 Peter 2:19-21) (1 Peter 4:19).

F.  You must be hopeful knowing that this feeling of grief will pass if you will continue to
come to the Father in prayer. He will replace your sorrow with joy (Isaiah 61:3) (John
16:24).

G. Seek out a friend to bear this burden of grief with you by their listening ear, counsel, and
prayer for you  (Gal. 6:1-2) (Prov. 18:13).

H. In the Book of Lamentations notice how Jeremiah's grief and despair lead him to prayer and ultimately to hope (Lam. 3:19-26). In addition, note the balance of his actions. He didn't hide or bottle up his emotions, but neither did he wallow in his grief. You must be balanced enough to allow someone to share your grief, but you must also take the necessary action that will help resolve this grief. This will always entail seeking a deeper relationship with the God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1:3). He heals broken hearts (Luke 4:18). When Jeremiah remembered his afflictions and problems, he said his soul would "sink" within him (Lam. 3:19-20). However, when he considered the Lord in prayer he found the hope he needed (Lam. 3:21-24). This will be your ultimate solution as well.

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Understanding How to Blend Your Family

Blended families are on the rise in America. According to the Census Bureau, as of the year 2000 more than 50% of all Americans will be living in some form of step family relationship (families made up of two adults that have been widowed or divorced, usually having one or more children). Therefore, learning how to successfully blend a family is a must. Failure to understand the special needs of the blended family, and God's plan for meeting these needs, invites its de­mise. According to the Stepfamily Foundation, 2 out of 3 blended relationships will end in di­vorce. In order to survive these odds, it is essential for couples to understand the central issues that will help bridge the distance between them and bring harmony that will keep their marriages intact.

Issues for Couples to Consider

1. Establish biblical priorities. If you are presently in a blended family, establishing biblical
priorities is where you must begin. Solomon declares that "Through wisdom a house is built, and
by understanding it is established" (Prov. 24:3). Therefore, which priorities will help to establish
and build up your home?

On the vertical plane, your highest priority must be Christ and your relationship with Him. If He is the Lord of your life and the wisdom of His Word rules in your heart, you can rest in His strength and guidance when the conflicts come. If Christ is not Lord of your life, then you are! And if you will not yield the wheel of control to the Lordship of Christ, then you can't expect God to steer you through the obstacles ahead for your marriage and family. Can you affirm with­out hesitation that Christ is Lord of your life? Do your actions demonstrate the truth of your pro­fession? Jesus spoke directly to this issue when He said to His disciples, "But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say? " (Luke 6:46). Jesus wanted His disciples to understand that they could not acknowledge His Lordship without actually obeying Him and doing as He commanded. Why do I bring up this point? Because the lack of a committed Chris­tian walk is the most fundamental reason a blended family, or any family, self-destructs. You need God's power and wisdom to have the successful marriage that you desire. My hope is that you will choose this day to make Jesus Lord of your life, and by His wisdom you will build your house by doing what He taught.

As Christ must be the highest priority on the vertical plane, your marriage partner must be the highest priority on the horizontal plane. God declared from the beginning that your spouse must hold the highest position, even above your closest blood relationships: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh " (Gen. 2:24). The one flesh relationship must be the most important priority, even above your own chil­dren. If your spouse believes that he or she has been given a second or third position, and your job, your parents, or your children have the priority, your spouse will feel betrayed. This viola­tion of your marriage vows will place your entire marriage in serious jeopardy.

Therefore, be very careful to keep your priorities in harmony with God's. These two priorities are the surest foundation upon which to build a secure and lasting relationship.

2. The humility to bend. One of the great fatal snares I've observed in counseling couples from
blended families is a proud attitude that is inflexible and set in its way. Many have said to me,
"I've been married before, and I don't want to have to make these changes in my lifestyle." Or,
"I've always done it this way. Why must I change now?" This unwillingness to give and com­
promise has destroyed many a second marriage. However, Scripture teaches that when God puts
His wisdom in your heart you should be "willing to yield, " not ready to resist (James 3:17).
Solomon adds that pride "stirs up strife" (Prov. 28:25). If you find stubbornness and strife in
your relationship, ask God to help you humbly bend.

The changes that are necessary to bring harmony in your home will come more easily if you will

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ask God for this humble heart. Remember that God promises: "The humble He guides injustice, and the humble He teaches His way" (Ps. 25:9). Therefore, if you want God's guidance and in­struction concerning your marriage, humble yourself before God and your mate. He longs to teach you His ways.

3. Accept each other's history. Sometimes individuals confess to me privately before getting
engaged (and sometimes after the wedding) that they are concerned about their mate's past. Usu­
ally they express fear that the issues that ended their mate's first marriage will recur. This fear
naturally inhibits the companionship and trust needed for a successful marriage.

My response is to question whether or not the biblical priorities previously mentioned are clearly evident in the spouse's life. Why is this important? If Christ is truly Lord of a person's life, then all things are possible, and God can change anyone from anything. I remind the fearful partner that after listing some of the worst sins imaginable, Paul the apostle declared concerning the Corinthians, "and such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:11).

Therefore, the only thing that is relevant concerning a person's past is what that person has done about it. Has your partner truly repented and received Christ? Does the fruit of his or her life re­veal this fact? Has biblical action been taken to resolve all outstanding conflicts with the previ­ous spouse? Has he or she acknowledged personal faults in the previous marriage and made changes that are clearly evident? If these things have been done, then accept your mate's history and go forward. Blending a family requires understanding that you can't go back and change what has been done, you can only change what you do today. Paul said, "One thing I do, forget­ting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead" (Phil. 3:13). This is extremely good counsel. Go forward!

4. Resolve any guilt or resentment. Rather than worrying about your mate's past, you should be
more concerned about your own. If either of you have been previously married, each must ques­
tion his or her own heart to be sure that no guilt or resentment is being held on to. Unresolved
issues here will greatly hinder the future of your marriage. If you have failed to resolve such is­
sues, you are laying a sure stumbling stone for your present relationship. Many times in coun­
seling a spouse will say to me, "It seems as if my spouse is taking his anger toward his previous
mate out on me." Usually statements are made such as, "You are just like my ex-wife." Or, the
husband will say, "Every time my wife sees her ex-husband she goes into a deep depression."

Do people really hold on to past issues like this? Yes! Remember when John the Baptist preached that King Herod should not have his brother's wife, Herodias? Scripture declares that, "Herodias held it against him and wanted to kill him, but she could not" (Mark 6:19). What happens when a person holds resentment? At some time in the future, that resentment will cause that person to take an evil action as it did Herodias. She simply waited for an opportunity to strike out at John. Ultimately, she had him killed. Therefore, "If you have anything against any­one, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses " (Mark 11:25).

On the other hand, if you are beating yourself up with guilt for your failures, remember, "There is...no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). John also declared, "For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things " (1 John 3:20). God knows that you've failed and He also knows that you've repented. If you've done that, then He's forgiven you. You need to accept that your history has been blotted out, washed clean (Acts 3:19). Resolve these issues once and for all, and go forward!

5. Have a game plan. Blending a family takes a great deal of wise planning because there are
many potential minefields that you can avoid if you talk these issues over. This plan should ide­
ally begin before you get married by discussing such things as:

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a)    A sufficient time for courtship. Don't rush into marriage. You need plenty of time to truly get
to know one another. A sufficient length for courtship allows you time to establish and deepen
your friendship with each other. Friendship is the basis of any lasting marital union. Solomon's
wife believed that this was the key to her successful relationship. She declared, "This is my be­
loved, and this is my friend" (Song 5:16). Have you established this friendship with your pro­
spective mate?

b)   Establish a relationship with your partner's children. It is essential that from the beginning you
work hard at establishing a real friendship and relationship with the children of your prospective
mate prior to engagement. You may be in a hurry to get married, but children take time to come
around to the idea of having a new parent. If you try to rush the children, you will regret it. It's
important to remember that even though you are marrying only one person, you must have a vital
relationship with the children too. If you fail to take the time to establish a real friendship with
the children, you start off your new marriage with them believing that they are really not impor­
tant. If you've already married and have failed to take this step, you need to get to work immedi­
ately. You must look for every way possible to develop each stepparent-child relationship.

Some steps toward accomplishing this goal would be to establish regular conversations with each child. As you show respect for their concerns, relationship will grow. Offer to include them in the things you are doing and show support for them in their hobbies or sports.

Speaking from personal experience, as one who grew up in a single-parent household, children are very idealistic. Many are still hoping and praying no matter how hopeless it looks that their moms and dads will get back together, which makes you a very real threat. Knowing this, it would be wise to make friends from the beginning and go slow with the wedding plans. There is no shortcut or substitute for true relationship.

c) Where will you live? Another inherently explosive issue is what I call "protecting my turf."
These conflicts occur when adults or children consider the marriage partner as "moving into my
house." Many times teenagers or older children become very angry at having to share a bedroom
with a stranger. The battles that result from these turf wars can tear two adults apart.

There is a simple solution to this dilemma. I have found that you can alleviate this conflict alto­gether by simply starting out fresh in a totally different home. Consequently, everyone is starting out new with no turf to protect and no history or memories from the past.

With all these issues and many others, it is essential that you have a precise plan for what you will do. Don't wait until the conflict arises, talk over the potential conflict and take the appropri­ate action now.

d) What church will you go to? Agreement on which church you will attend is also very impor­
tant. If you don't attend the same church already, one of you will have to leave your friends and
the place where you have found spiritual encouragement and guidance. This is not easy. It is im­
portant that you make this decision together as soon as you can, because you don't need any in­
terruption in your spiritual growth while you are trying to adjust in so many other areas of a new
marriage. This settles a potentially touchy subject early in your relationship.

6. Your commitment. One thing that blending a family will require is an absolute commitment. This is true for any couple, blended or not, because a successful marriage requires hard work to experience the companionship that God intends. However, blending a family is even a tougher job. As I mentioned earlier, the statistics of failed blended marriages are staggering. However, you can beat these statistics by making an absolute commitment before God and to your spouse. Declare to your mate that the word divorce will not be used in reference to your marriage. Pledge that you won't quit, even when times get tough. Then go before God and ask Him for the grace to keep your commitment. He will honor this!

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It's important to remember that most people marry with great emotion and feelings of love, never thinking that they will ever consider breaking their marriage covenant. But, when the conflicts come, the emotions of love disappear very quickly. What keeps you together when this happens? Commitment.

Ultimately, it's your commitment to Christ that is the key to keeping your commitment to your mate. Why? As you keep your commitment to Christ, your one-on-one relationship with Him brings the fruit of His Spirit and the power of His love into your heart (Gal. 5:22-23). As God's Spirit reigns in your life, you won't selfishly live according to your fleshly nature, but you will choose to walk in love (Gal. 5:16-17). Love will cover a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). There­fore, if you want to keep your commitment to your mate, be sure your relationship with Christ is alive and personal.

In addition, remember that your commitment is not just a feeling, but a covenant with a person you've married (Mai. 2:14). Feelings come and go, but your commitment must remain in spite of your feelings. The lack of feelings simply means that there must be unresolved conflicts in your relationship. Don't give up on the marriage. Instead, seek reconciliation and the feelings will re­turn.

Issues for Parents to Consider

1.  Agree on discipline. One of the major struggles that blended families deal with are how to
handle the children. Philosophies of how to discipline, when to discipline, partiality in discipline,
and the mixture of two different parenting styles often give rise to conflicts that can be quite in­
tense.

Finding solutions concerning discipline requires that you both sit down and calmly discuss your views of discipline and parenting. Make a list of where you agree and disagree. When you dis­cover areas where you don't agree, discuss possible ways in which to compromise with your spouse.

Remember that God wants you to find agreement with your spouse on the issue of parenting and discipline. Jesus was emphatic when He taught His disciples, "Agree quickly with your adver­sary " (Matt. 5:25). Agreement with someone you have a conflict with is not an option; it's a command. Failure to obey this command will create great heartache and disunity in your home. The best way to keep your spouse from becoming your adversary is to find a mutually agreed upon compromise before either parent disciplines again.

If you fail to find this agreement with each other, the children will sense this division and will exploit it, which will only create more conflict. Therefore, don't discipline unless both parents are enthusiastically in favor of the decision. If you can't come to an agreement, don't do any­thing. Tell your child or teen that you haven't decided what the discipline will be. Then return to the discussion table with your spouse, keep praying, and if need be, seek counsel from your pas­tor or other experienced parents for possible solutions. It greatly pleases the Lord when you seek agreement with your mate because it creates greater love and respect within the marriage. It sim­ply takes two willing parents that will take the time and make the effort to find the compromise. Why not start today?

Last, be sure to have these discussions with your spouse in private. You don't need the added confusion of the children's input in these talks. I have also provided several basic outlines for parenting young children and teenagers with a suggested book list for further reading at our web­site www.calvaryag.org.

2. My children vs. your children. How do you see the children of your spouse? Are they sepa­
rated into the category of "your kids - my kids"? Do you hear these words coming from your
lips? Or, do you consider all the children "ours?" This point may seem insignificant or unimpor­
tant to some, but it has a profound effect upon how you relate to the children in general and the

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effectiveness you will have in reconciling conflicts.

The biblical principles that instruct us not to show favoritism and to demonstrate fairness must govern your thoughts on this subject. There is an excellent principle taught under the Old Cove­nant that applies well. When a man had two wives and loved one more than the other, he was commanded not to show favoritism to the children of his loved wife or reject the other children when it came time to give out the inheritance (Deut. 21:15-17). This command revealed that all children within these blended families were to be treated fairly. The father was to follow the natural birth order without partiality. Therefore, as a parent you must not prefer one child to an­other. You must have one standard for all (Prov. 24:23).

The same thing is true for us spiritually. For most of us who are Gentiles, we have been adopted into the family of God and have an equal standing with the natural children, the Jews. The king­dom of God is one giant blended family. Most importantly, God has placed "no difference" be­tween us (Rom. 3:22). Therefore, don't create a difference between your children and your spouse's children. If you do, you will be creating a separation that will only divide you further. If God makes us one Body in Christ, shouldn't you seek to be one family too?

3.  Don't be used. Many times couples come to me with stories of children that are using their
own parent to get back at the new stepparent. This problem occurs for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes it's because the child doesn't like the changes that have taken place in the family. At
other times it's because of the new restrictions placed upon a child, or perhaps the child simply
does not like the new parent. I have even had some children admit to me in counseling that they
would like to see the couple split up because this would allow everything to go back to the way it
was. This problem must be guarded against at all cost and with all diligence. Your marriage and
the harmony of your family depend on it.

To solve this problem, you must first determine, to the best of your ability, why the child is at­tempting to divide you. Is it jealousy because the child perceives that he or she is not being loved as before? Is it a power struggle over not wanting the restrictions this new parent has initiated? Is it selfish resentment because the child has lost influence over his or her parent?

You must objectively discuss all the possibilities with your spouse. Try to look for the common denominators in each of the conflicts that have occurred. Then discuss your conclusions with your child in a direct, honest, and loving way. Paul said, "Speak the truth in love " (Eph. 4:15). You can't beat this advice. Then pray for the conviction of the Holy Spirit to touch the child's heart. Let God do His work in the child's heart. Also, be sure that as you tell your child that his or her attempt to undermine your relationship is unacceptable, communicate your love and your desire to have a happy family. When most children realize that you've figured out what they are attempting to do, they will stop.

4.  Giving vs. taking. Each person in this new family must understand and accept the fact that
this new relationship will require many changes. Everyone must enthusiastically choose to be­
come a giver and not expect to just receive. It is critical that the overriding principle that governs
all aspects must be: "It is more blessed to give than to receive " (Acts 20:35). I would suggest
that as parents you sit and explain to the whole family that selfishness is the cause of every con­
flict and that it can greatly hinder the success of the family. James confirmed this when he
warned,  "For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil
practice " (James 3:16). Therefore, explain to the entire family that if they want the relationship
to be successful, everyone must become a giver. This will build harmony and provoke others to
give. Jesus explained this principle when He said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also
to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets " (Matt. 7:12). Therefore, as you sacrificially give to
your mate and each of the children without partiality, and as your children do the same, seeds are
being sown that will yield abundant fruit in your home. If you want others to be considerate and
willing to seek compromise, you take the initiative and lead by example. Try it and see what
happens.

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5. Communication. Communication is the lifeblood of your relationship; without it you will
slowly drift apart and your marriage will die. To keep your relationship alive you must be able to
verbally give and receive. Think about it. There is no better way to resolve conflicts than to listen
and respond to others in love. Effective communication enables you to find the forgiveness, rec­
onciliation, and the solutions you desire. The most dangerous thing is when individuals give up
trying to communicate. When this occurs, you must realize that you and your family are in seri­
ous trouble. You must restore a dialog, or all you can expect is greater division ahead.

If this is where you and your spouse are today, you must reverse direction. How? Seek an op­portune time, as soon as possible, and tell your mate that you believe that you have committed a serious error by not discussing the problems or attempting to resolve them earlier. Commit your­self to continued talks until you have both agreed on a compromise. Also see Vol. 5 Issues 2 and 3 of the Covenant Keepers publication for further help finding solutions to your communication difficulties. Remember: keep talking until you find a solution!

6. Seek unity through reconciliation. One of the easiest ways to destroy the unity of your fam­
ily is to allow conflicts to go unresolved. Don't let this happen! Paul explained the steps to
keeping unity with others. "Let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by
which one may edify another" (Rom. 14:19). Paul makes it clear that if you want peace in your
relationships with others you must take actions that promote peace and build others up.

Can you think of specific actions that you can take to obey this command in relation to your mate or children? Could you speak with family members in a way that would encourage them and show respect? When an offensive behavior occurs could you simply overlook it and choose not to make a sarcastic remark? If you've promised a family member a favor or to refrain from an annoying behavior, keep your commitment. Remember, the small acts of love add up to an over­all impression that you do truly care.

The most important thing is to not allow conflicts to go on unresolved. This is your best preven­tion against disaster. Unresolved issues are like the pressures that erupt a volcano, very powerful.

Therefore, when conflicts arise, go and lovingly confess your faults, ask forgiveness, and pray with one another (Matt. 7:5) (James 5:16). Calmly talk the issue through until a solution is reached. Don't walk away frustrated. Your marriage is worth it, and your family deserves noth­ing less!

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What Should You Do When Your Spouse Walks Out The Door?

If your spouse has just left you or has asked you to leave, you are most likely in the midst of great turmoil within your heart and mind. There are many questions racing through your head, What should I do? How should I respond? Can this relationship be reconciled? If so, how?

This will not be an easy time for you, nor will there be easy answers to your dilemma. However, God is in the business of reconciling people unto Himself every day, and because of this, He un­derstands how to reconcile your marital relationship. He has revealed the methods and principles that you need in His Word. If you will open your heart to His counsel, the reconciliation process can begin. This can be a time of great change and healing in your life and marriage if you will only yield to His plan. What should you do to see the work begin?

1. Examine yourself. This is the first and most important step you must take. Instead of dwell­
ing on your mate's faults and failures, begin by examining your own. This is what Jesus told His
disciples to do when they became involved in a conflict or were tempted to condemn others. He
taught them, "First, remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to re­
move the speck out of your brother's eye " (Matt. 7:5). There is no way that you will be able to
see the conflicts in your marriage clearly until you have first taken this step. Self-examination is
not an easy step but it is an essential one if reconciliation is ever to become a reality.

What are^owr faults? How have these failures contributed to this break-up? What have you said or done that has destroyed the love between you and your mate? Or, what have you failed to do that has caused this break-up? I suggest that you write these problems in your behavior, words, or attitudes down on paper. This will help you in several ways. First, it will enable you to be specific in prayer to God for change in these areas. Also, listing your own faults helps you to remember and focus on the issues you need to confess to your mate.

Self-examination and confession are the fastest way to reconciliation. If you acknowledge your faults, then your mate doesn't have to spend time attempting to prove to you where you've failed. If both partners take this action reconciliation is easy. Therefore, ask God for truth in the inward parts of your heart and identify your faults.

2. Don't get any harder. Hardness of heart is the primary reason why this break-up has oc­
curred in the first place. Jesus identified a callous heart as that which destroys marital relation­
ships. He explained to His disciples that it was only the "hardness of your hearts " that God
even allowed Moses to give instruction concerning divorce (Matt. 19:8).

This hardening process has resulted because of your failure to obey His commands to seek rec­onciliation and real solutions to the day-to-day conflicts that have occurred. These unresolved issues have slowly built up and hardened you, and have ultimately separated you from the inti­macy you once had with your spouse and with Christ.

Therefore, deal quickly with the state of your heart. Ask God to convict and soften you, so that you might turn from your resentment, anger, pride, or an unwillingness to work at the relation­ship. Ask Him for a brokenness inside as you see your own faults and failures. Request a will­ingness to do anything God requires of you in order to reconcile your marriage. What will help you get this broken and contrite heart?

3. Renew your relationship with the Lord. Once you recognize your faults and humble your­
self before God, you must seek the only One who can change your heart and, ultimately, your
behavior. You must understand that every marital problem is first a spiritual problem. When­
ever there is a failure to love, to give in a sacrificial manner, to lovingly communicate, to render
and receive forgiveness, or to be understanding, there is a basic spiritual problem in your walk
with Christ. Now of course, at times, everyone fails in these responsibilities, but when there is a
consistent deficiency without reconciliation in these areas, it is because there is a basic weakness
in your relationship with Christ. You either don't see your personal problems or you are choos­
ing not to obey God in some way. Therefore, to see any real change in your ability to resolve

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these problem areas in your life there must be a restoration and a deepening of your love rela­tionship with Christ.

The renewing of your relationship with Him will enable you to experience the power you need for change. Only the Holy Spirit can transform a person into the image of Christ (2 Cor. 3:18). As you surrender to Him on a daily basis, He will conform your attitudes and your behavior to be in harmony with His. Beloved, don't try to change yourself by your own willpower. You need only to ask and yield, and your heavenly Father will give you the inner strength of His Spirit (Luke 11:13). Won't you ask today?

4. Don't create more conflicts. If you truly want reconciliation with your spouse, one of the
most important steps is to be sure you don't create new conflicts while you are separated. Even
though a couple may be separated from each other, the conflicts can continue to mount up. This
is a great mistake. This means you must stop the harassing phone calls, showing up unan­
nounced to make some new demand, or trying to force your will upon your mate. When these
behaviors continue to occur, your spouse begins to wonder if he or she should even try to recon­
cile. Your spouse considers these additional conflicts as conformation that nothing has changed
in your life and that it would be fruitless to reconcile.

However, I believe the conflicts will cease if an individual is truly examining his or her own heart before God. When you realize your personal fault and begin dealing with your hardness of heart, you can't help but want to reconcile. You naturally want to stop the battling. Remember, Solomon's exhortation, "Stop contention before a quarrel starts " (Prov. 17:14). Be assured, His grace is sufficient to enable you to control your anger and your tongue (2 Cor. 12:9).

5.  Begin making changes in your life. While you are seeking reconciliation with your mate,
begin actively dealing with your own faults. Go back to the list that you made and undertake the
most important issue of conflict between you and your mate. Begin to study the Scriptures on
this subject and start learning all you can regarding what God requires. If you are unsure exactly
how to do this, seek out a friend that is more knowledgeable in the Word of God for help. Then
ask God for the wisdom to apply these truths in your life. Continue asking for the empowering
of God's Spirit to fill your heart with the strength to walk in love. Become a doer of the Word
and not merely a hearer (James 1:22-25). Taking this action will encourage reconciliation with
your mate and assure that when the relationship is restored it is built on a new foundation.

6.  Keep the right motivation. What should be your ultimate motivation for making these
changes? Is it to get your spouse back? Is it to be free of the uncomfortable circumstances
you're living in at the moment? Why should you be seeking to restore your relationship? It
must primarily be because you want to please God by being obedient to His Word. Paul encour­
aged the Thessalonian church how they "ought to walk and to please God" (IThess. 4:1). Be
sure this is your ultimate motivation.

What is the most practical thing you can do to please the Lord? Seek reconciliation! Jesus said, "Ifyour brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt.. 18:15). In addition He encouraged, "Ifyou bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt. 5:23,24). Are you willing to go and seek reconciliation simply to be obedient to God? If you want to please the Lord this is what you must do.

Steps to take that will help in your reconciliation.

1. First determine what's negotiable and what's not. In most marital break-ups there are usu­ally many issues that have lead to the deadlock. You must first determine which are issues that you might compromise on with your spouse and which you cannot. Obviously, moral issues and biblical principles cannot be compromised. To compromise over them would be disobedience to God and a rejection of His lordship over your life. God's Word teaches us that we should deny

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"ungodliness and worldly lust, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age " (Titus 2:12). Therefore, you must reject any ungodly or unrighteous behavior as unacceptable.

However, when you and your spouse disagree on nonmoral or personal issues, you must find a workable compromise that satisfies both partners. How can you find this compromise? Choose to walk in love by determining where you are being offensive or unreasonable in your demands. Choose to give. This is the counsel Paul gave to the church at Rome. This church had many disputes over nonmoral issues in which members were offending others continually. His counsel was to "pursue the things that make for peace and the things by which one may edify another" (Rom. 14:19). He declared that if you are choosing to offend your brother "you are no longer walking in love "(Rom. 14:15).

Therefore, specifically determine those areas in which loving compromise needs to be worked out. Where you have failed to walk in love by a poor attitude, cutting words, or insensitive be­havior, repent and confess it to your spouse. Be willing to ask forgiveness for each offensive or unrighteous act. Once you settle these issues between you, it becomes much easier to focus on what is really important.

2.  Find a biblical counselor. Solomon declared that "where there is no counsel, the people
fall...Without counsel, plans go awry" (Prov. 11:14, 15:22). If you find it impossible to resolve
these issues on your own, find a biblical counselor to help. Many times it takes an objective
third party to get involved in the details of your conflicts for complete reconciliation to occur.
Jesus recognized this and instructed His disciples that they may have to take witnesses with them
or even the elders of the church to resolve some matters (Matt. 18:16,17). Don't underestimate
the help that someone well-versed in Scripture can give as you attempt to determine areas of
compromise or personal repentance. You have to recognize that we all have those blind spots in
our view of ourselves. Remember Solomon's acknowledgment that "every way of a man is right
in his own eyes " (Prov. 21:2). A good counselor will help you to see your personal needs and
the steps to resolving these issues in your life.

However, let me give a few words of warning in finding a counselor. Don't begin talking to all your friends and family to get this counsel. The more counselors you have, the greater potential for contradictory advice. Also, it is very possible that some of your friends will tend to get on your side and not give the best counsel. In addition, if close friends or family get all involved in the details of your mate's faults and failures he or she will find it difficult to continue an open relationship with these people once you've reconciled. Therefore, it's best that you keep the in­timate details of your marriage confined to an objective third party who will keep all information confidential.

In addition, it is essential that anyone you counsel with must also attempt to speak to your spouse to get the other side of the story. Preferably your counselor will bring both of you together in order to hear both sides at the same time. I have found that it is impossible to effectively counsel one person in a marriage because there are always two sides to every conflict. Remember the wisdom of Solomon on this subject: "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him " (Prov. 18:17). Therefore, be willing to let your spouse and your counselor examine you and your behavior with the Word of God.

It should go without saying that this counselor should be a Christian and use the Word of God alone as his source for any encouragement or instruction. God's Word is profitable to teach, convict, correct, and discipline us to righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16). His Word is powerful and able to cut to the heart and reveal our thoughts and motives (Heb. 4:12). Don't settle for the wisdom of men when you can have the insight of the very God of heaven to motivate and instruct you.

3. Approach with confession. When you approach your spouse by letter or in person, come
with humility and confession (James 5:16). At this juncture your attitude is of the utmost im­
portance. If you come with hardness, criticism, and new charges, your attempt to reconcile will
be fruitless. Instead, approach with humility, acknowledging your own faults first. This attitude

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and gesture will be perceived by your spouse as a sincere attempt to reconcile.

The benefit in taking this approach is that it immediately disarms your spouse and defuses his or her anger. Why? Because if you first make personal confessions of failure then your mate doesn't have to prove that you have done wrong. You just admitted it. Likewise, if you will ask forgiveness for your insensitivity and unloving actions, there will be an immediate softening in your mate's heart. Tenderness of heart is always a fundamental prerequisite for any reconcilia­tion to occur. Therefore, come with confession, repentance, and the request for forgiveness. Remember Paul's encouragement, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one an­other, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph. 4:32).

4. Don't talk it. walk it. It's easy to simply say the things your spouse wants to hear as you at­
tempt to reconcile, but if you want lasting reconciliation and a relationship that grows, there must
be more than mere words. I see this mistake repeatedly in my counseling ministry. Men and
women will promise anything if only their spouse will allow them to come home. When it be­
comes apparent that there has been little or no change, the couple separates again. If you don't
want this to happen in your relationship, then make sure you make the changes you've promised.
Your actions must be the loudest voice your mate hears. Don't talk about your love, but demon­
strate it to your spouse.

However, many think, Is it realistic for me to expect real and lasting change in my spouse? Should my mate expect it in me?   Yes! If you have both sincerely looked at yourself and your personal failures and repented before God, radical change must result. This is the fruit of true repentance according to Scripture. This was the message that Paul the apostle preached during his ministry. He declared that people "should repent, turn to God, and do works befitting re­pentance " (Acts 26:20). Notice how Paul defined true repentance: When a person turns away from sin, he must also turn to God, which is where the power comes from to accomplish the acts that prove repentance is real. The word befitting refers to action that has comparable worth or stands up to its profession. Therefore, it is perfectly reasonable for both partners to expect real and lasting change if sincere repentance has taken place.

5. Be patient. What causes you to be patient and allow your spouse the time he or she needs?
Love. "Love suffers long and is kind" (1 Cor. 13:4). The fruit of the Holy Spirit is patience. As
the Spirit rules in your heart He will motivate you to be patient. After you have been patient,
you will continue to be kind as well. There will be no huffing and puffing, rolling of the eyes, or
explosions of anger when your mate asks for some time to think over your requests.

However, let me warn those of you who desire more time: Don't drag out a period of separation to the point of discouragement. This can be equally harmful. You may think, But how can I know if he (or she) has really changed enough to go back together? There are no easy answers here. However, statistics reveal that the longer a couple stays apart, the more difficult it is for them to reconcile. That is why Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly " (Matt. 5:25). Paul also declared that prolonged separation is unwise; as it puts both partners under an in­creased sexual temptation (1 Cor. 7:2-5). Therefore, don't be disobedient to the Lord on this is­sue. Remember, the only way you can truly work on your problems is to work on them together. The only way you can be sure real change is occurring is to be under the same roof. The only exception to this counsel would be if there are unsafe or illegal circumstances continuing in your home. These situations must be discussed with your pastor or counselor.

In conclusion, let me encourage you to seek reconciliation. God can heal any broken heart. Jesus has promised that He possesses the ability (Luke 4:18). He can also transform the hardest heart. All He is waiting for is for you to surrender. If you are willing, God can do great and awesome things in you and your spouse. However, it takes two willing hearts to bring about the lasting change that is needed for a successful marriage. If you are willing, won't you begin to take these steps today? Only by obeying Him in your personal life will you ever see what's possible. "With God all things are possible " (Matt. 19:26).

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Understanding Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage.

Over the years I have spoken to many individuals who have struggled with marriage, divorce, and remarriage. No wonder these issues draw both controversy and very diverse opinions within the Christian community. I would like to ask you to begin this study by first reading 1 Corinthi­ans 7:10-16. This is an excellent passage to help you begin to sort out these important issues in your life.

Paul addresses three specific issues in this passage: the command to Christians not to divorce, the command to Christians who have divorced, and his instruction to Christians who are married to unbelievers.

The Command Against Divorce

We first need to define the word depart, which is used a number of times throughout this passage of Scripture. The word depart means to divorce. This word does not refer to a casual or legal separation where two people live apart from each other. Paul's meaning is quite clear when you examine the context. Notice in verse 11, when the word depart is used again, that Paul declares this action to result in an individual becoming unmarried. Paul also uses the specific word di­vorce in verse 11 when he encourages husbands not to make this same mistake. In addition, in Matthew 19:6, this word depart is translated put asunder or separate, which clearly refers to di­vorce. Therefore, God's ideal for every married couple does not include divorce.

Why should you obey this command not to divorce? Let me give you three good reasons.

(1)   First, Jesus said you shouldn't divorce. Jesus said: "Haveyou not read... 'For this reason a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let
not man separate " (Matt. 19:4-6). If Jesus commanded you not to divorce, that should hold great
weight in your decision making. Do His commands have this kind of influence over you? They
should! Jesus challenged His own disciples to consider their actions: "But why do you call Me
'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say? " (Luke 6:46). To call Jesus Lord means that
you must do what He says. This means that you should not seek a divorce.

(2)        You should not divorce because it breaks the covenant you made before God. Consider God's
command: "The LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you
have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not
make them one... ? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit,
and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says that
'He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence,'... Therefore take heed to your
spirit, that you do not deal treacherously " (Mai. 2:14-16). Note that God calls the marriage rela­
tionship a covenant between a man and his wife. A covenant is more than just a contract. A
covenant is to be a binding commitment made before God that is not to be broken willingly as
long as two people live. A covenant is to last a lifetime. According to Malachi, to break the
covenant of marriage was to deal treacherously with your mate and to cover one's garment with
violence. The word treacherously means to be deceitful or unfaithful. The word violence is a
Hebrew word that means to do injustice or to show cruelty. In other words, if you divorce your
mate you are acting with cruelty and injustice, which is why God describes this action as unfaith­
ful and deceitful. God declares that He hates divorce because it's a cruel and unjust thing to do to
anyone and it scars all who touch it.

However, note also Malachi's counsel concerning the way to save your marriage from divorce.
He declares, "Therefore take heed to your spirit. " Each partner must first be concerned with his
or her own spirit and heart attitude. Why must you consider your own heart first? Because people
love to point the finger at their mate and fail to examine their own heart in the process. They say,
"She did____ ." Or, "He's so____ ." I usually say, "But what about you? What is your fault in

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this problem? Where are you failing?" Jesus said, "First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye " (Matt. 7:5). Are you willing to start here? Will you take heed to your own spirit and examine your own faults?

(3) You should not divorce because of the extreme harm it causes to everyone involved. Divorce is as hurtful and destructive as ripping a person's body apart while they are still alive. The Bible declares that a marriage begins when two people are united as "one flesh " (Gen. 2:24). This phrase literally means one body or one person. Therefore, if you divorce you rip apart something that God has joined together. Remember, "What God has joined together, let not man separate " (Matt. 19:6).

Even though I have never been divorced, I do have personal experience with the devastation of divorce. I grew up in a family where I saw my father leave my mother, and I watched the an­guish, tears, and destruction first-hand. I know what it's like being used as a bargaining chip between parents. I know the struggles of growing up in a single parent family with no father. I've personally lived through this destruction. I can say without a doubt, that it is a cruel and harmful experience that you don't want. God knows that divorce is not just one person's problem, it's an entire family's crisis.

My point is this, God calls us to keep our commitments. I know some of you are in difficult mar­riages right now. But remember, Paul declared, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men " (Rom. 12:18). I quote this passage often when I do marriage counseling. Notice again, Scripture always makes your personal responsibility the primary issue. Paul says, "as much as depends on you. " In other words, you are responsible to do all you can to honor your commitments. Are you taking heed to your spirit? Are you doing all that is within your power to live peaceably with your spouse? Are you seeking God for His grace to keep your vow of love?

However, there is a balance within this passage. Paul also said, "If it is possible. " That phrase obviously implies that sometimes it is not possible to live at peace with someone. That is a sad situation, but it happens. Let me make this clear, it takes two people to make a marriage work. If you are reading this and your spouse has run off with someone else and divorced you, I don't want you to feel condemned by these statements. All you should consider is, did you do all you could to save the marriage? Remember, God only holds you responsible for your actions. If your spouse chooses to resist reconciliation there is very little you can do about it. However, when­ever I make statements like this, people usually ask, "Are you saying that there are some cases where divorce and remarriage may be permissible?" My answer is, yes, there are reasons given in Scripture for divorce and remarriage. Then people say, "But isn't this a contradiction of what you've just said?" No it isn't. Let me explain.

Let me give you two biblical reasons for divorce and remarriage. Jesus gives the first reason when He answers the Pharisees' question in Matthew 19: "The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?' " (vs. 3). The question is, can someone divorce for any reason. Jesus plainly teaches that you can't divorce for any reason, because God's desire from the beginning was for one woman to be mar­ried to one man for life (vs. 4-6). The Pharisees responded with another question. "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away? " (vs. 7). Jesus explains that Moses did not command people to divorce; it was only permitted or allowed because of the hardness of men's hearts (vs. 8). Jesus admits that divorce is permitted in Scripture. Then Jesus gives the reason it is permitted: "I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual im­morality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (vs.9).

Note that Jesus is the one who gives the exception to the rule, not me. He said, "except for sexual immorality. " This exception is not a command; it's an allowable release. I have seen many cou­ples where adultery took place, and the offended partner chose not to divorce because of the hu-

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mility and repentance of the offending spouse. Many of these marriages have reconciled and be­come stronger as a result of their reconciliation. However, when a person continues to practice sexual immorality and refuses to repent of his or her offense, or he or she runs off to marry into the adulterous relationship, I believe that this is evidence of a hardened heart — the reason Jesus gave this exception.

Regardless, there are many Christians who believe that there are no exceptions allowing divorce. I believe that this position is indefensible based on the teachings of Christ in Matthew 19. Judg­ing from the letters and e-mails I get from people on this topic, many Christians are confused about what Scripture teaches. For any teacher to deny the exception of sexual immorality as an option for a Christian, I believe, is to take away from God's Word. Scripture clearly states that adding to or taking away from His Word is a very serious offense (Deut. 4:2; Prov. 30:5-6; Rev. 22:18-19).

Paul also gives a second reason for divorce and remarriage: when an unbeliever abandons and wants to divorce a believing spouse. We will cover this issue later in this study. This reason is found in 1 Corinthians 7:15.

However, before we go any further I know many people reading these words are having prob­lems with the idea of exceptions. Many people have said to me, "When you give an exception to the marriage covenant, you give people an easy out. They look for a loophole and simply run from their responsibility. They take this option as their first choice instead of as a last resort."

First, let me say that divorce never offers an easy out. It harms and scars all concerned because it rips apart a marriage and a family. Unfortunately, I have to agree that some people do look for loopholes and don't take responsibility for themselves and the commitment they have made. This is his or her own loss. But, I can't change God's Word and remove an option because I want to force someone to be responsible. No one has the right to put his or her own opinions into Scrip­ture just because he or she has gone through a messy divorce. Yes, I do believe you should work with everything you have to seek reconciliation with your mate. But, if he or she refuses to rec­oncile, continues in an adulterous relationship, or determines to abandon you, divorce is an available option.

Others say, "But shouldn't you continue to strive to make the marriage work?" Yes, you should strive for reconciliation, but there is a point at which you can strive contrary to reality. Even God Himself has said, "My Spirit shall not strive with man forever" (Gen. 6:3). God saw the reality, "that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Gen. 6:5). God made this statement concerning mankind and then brought the flood upon the earth. The Lord took the same action with the Jews who were unfaithful to Him. He pursued them, striving to bring them to repentance. But, when it was clear that they would not turn from their idolatry, He sent them into captivity and turned away from them (2 Chronicles 36:16; Deut. 32:15-20). There are husbands and wives just like the Jews, who harden their hearts and stiffen their necks, who will not respond. No matter what overture of love you make toward them, they reject it. In these situations you need to understand that you can't force someone to do what they willfully refuse to do.

The Command To Christians Who Do Divorce

Paul now turns his attention to Christians who do choose to divorce without biblical grounds. He declares, "But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her hus­band. And a husband is not to divorce his wife " (vs. 11). Paul first states the ideal in verse 10 that Christians should not get divorced, but then turns right around and acknowledges that he knows some will depart from each other.

If you have divorced without the biblical grounds of adultery or the abandonment of your unbe­lieving spouse, what does Scripture command you to do? Paul makes it absolutely clear that you have only two options: You must remain unmarried or be reconciled to your mate. Notice again

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that this instruction continues to communicate the overall biblical priority of being faithful to your marriage vows.

What should you do if you have already disobeyed this command and have divorced your spouse and remarried another? This question is usually followed by two additional questions. Have I committed an unpardonable sin and should I divorce the new spouse and remarry my previous partner?

Let's deal with the second question first. Should you divorce your new spouse and remarry the one you divorced? Absolutely not! This would be total confusion and would only tear apart more lives. You should simply ask God for His forgiveness and remain in the marriage you're in now. Let me explain the biblical principles upon which I base this counsel.

(1)    Remain in the state you are in. After Paul explained the principles of marriage and divorce in
1 Corinthians 7:1-16, he then encouraged all believers not to try to escape their present circum­
stances. He gave two examples: That of circumcision and being a servant of another person. He
concluded with the general principle: "Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in
which he was called" (1 Cor. 7:24). Paul then applied this same principle to marriage. "Isup­
pose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to re­
main as he is: Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife?
Do not seek a wife" (1 Cor. 7:26-27). In other words, Paul was explaining that they should sim­
ply stay in whatever relationship they were in.

(2)    In the Old Testament, Moses commanded the people not to return to a wife they had divorced
after marrying another because that would be an abomination. "When a man takes a wife and
marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some un-
cleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out
of his house, when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man's wife, if
the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and
sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, then her former
husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for
that is an abomination before the LORD " (Deut. 24:1-4). People often ask if this concept can or
should be brought into the New Testament. I believe that you should accept this principle be­
cause this is the same passage Jesus used to allow someone to divorce in Matthew 19. Therefore,
if Jesus used this passage to allow for divorce due to moral uncleanness in a wife, shouldn't you
also consider the rest of the passage concerning returning to a previous marriage partner?

To answer the second question: When people divorce and marry another without biblical grounds, is this an unpardonable sin? It surely is sin, but it is not an unpardonable sin. Jesus said, "Every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men " (Matt. 12:31). I would emphasize the word every in this text. I bring this issue up because there are those who would deny forgiveness for this sin. However, I cannot do that! If I did declare this sin was unforgivable, then I would be adding to the Word of God again. Let me be absolutely clear. There is only one unpardonable sin, which is the rejection of the Spirit of God and the testimony concerning Christ until the day of a person's death. That is the only unpardonable sin. See Hebrews 10:29 and 1 John 5:10-16.

Consequently, when I make these statements about forgiveness people have said to me, "With this philosophy of forgiveness, you are giving people the license to sin." My response is this: If someone takes God's grace, mercy, and forgiveness and uses it as a license to sin that would ob­viously be wrong. I can't keep people from doing that. However, I will not give people incorrect or unbiblical counsel to try and keep them from sinning or scare them into obedience. That would be equally wrong on my part.

In addition, if you were divorced and remarried before you became a Christian, then you can also be assured that you have a new and cleansed standing in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. Paul declared, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away;

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behold, all things have become new" (2 Cor. 5:17). He does not say some things become new, but all things become new. All your failures and sins are washed away and you have a new start with God. Praise Him for His grace.

However, just because the sin of divorce and remarriage without biblical grounds is forgivable, it does not mean there are no consequences. Sin always has consequences. God commands us to take specific actions because He knows how destructive sin is to our lives and to those around us. There will be consequences such as: the hurt you experience by dissolving your marriage, the anger and loss your children experience, the disruption to your extended family, and the added financial pressure of trying to make it alone. Therefore, it's always best to obey God's com­mands and save yourself from these heartaches.

The Command To Christians Who Are Married To Non-believers

What should you do if you are married to an unbeliever? Should you divorce your non-Christian mate or remain in the marriage? The key to understanding Paul's encouragement is the willing­ness of your unbelieving spouse: "If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him " (1 Cor. 7:12-13).

How do you determine if your mate is willing to live with you? Consider these facts: The word willing is in the present tense and the active voice, which is extremely important to correctly un­derstand this passage. The active voice means that a person performs an action. The present tense describes this action as being done continually. Therefore, if an unbeliever is willing to live with you, he or she will demonstrate this willingness by continual practical actions, not just words. In addition, the word willing literally means, that they take pleasure in dwelling with you. By words and actions an unbeliever must demonstrate that he or she takes pleasure in living with you.

The reason I bring these definitions up is because I have counseled numerous individuals who struggle with the contradictions they see in their unbelieving mate. Let me give you four exam­ples where this definition of willingness needs to be considered: (1) When a wife declares, "My spouse verbally declares that he is willing to live with me, but he is presently sleeping with an­other woman." (2) When a man announces, "I am willing to live with you, but I really don't want to provide for you." (3) When a wife says, "I am willing to live with you, but I don't want to have any sexual relations with you." (4) When a husband declares, "I am willing to live with you," but then uses you as his punching bag on a regular basis. What do all these actions reveal? Obviously, they show that a person is not willing to live with you, nor do they take pleasure in you as their spouse.

It is important to note that even God does not accept simply what a person says; He only recog­nizes what a person does. The little phrase that we use so often, "actions speak louder than words" is very biblical. Jesus said, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,'shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven " (Matt. 7:21). You can't give lip service by using spiritual language and then fail to live what you profess to believe. There must be action to prove your commitment to the Lordship of Christ. You will only be al­lowed into the Kingdom of heaven if you do the will of the Father.

Another passage that establishes this principle is found in Proverbs. Most of the modern transla­tions confuse the meaning of this verse; however, the Old King James Version renders it best. "A naughty person, a wicked man, walketh with afroward mouth. He winketh with his eyes, he speaketh with his feet, he teacheth with his fingers " (Prov. 6:13). Solomon is explaining to his son how to determine a wicked man. He declared that a wicked man speaks with his feet. In other words, look at what a person does and observe closely his or her actions, not just the speech.

This is Paul's point: If your non-Christian mate is not willing by their words and deeds to dwell with you, and he or she chooses to leave, let them depart. Paul makes it clear when he declares, "But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such

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cases. But God has called us to peace " (1 Cor. 7:15). It is important to note that the word depart is an imperative in the Greek. The imperative mood corresponds to the English imperative, and expresses a command to the hearer to perform a certain action by the authority of the one com­manding. Thus, when Jesus gives the imperative, "Repent, and believe the Gospel" (Mark 1:15), He is not merely giving an invitation, but a command requiring full obedience on the part of all hearers. Therefore, when Paul declares "Let him depart, " he is not simply giving an idea to con­sider. He is giving a command, let them go!

The reason I bring up this issue is that many Christians have been given erroneous counsel on this subject. In most cases, to persevere and seek reconciliation with a wayward mate is the godly thing to do. However, it is cruel and unbiblical when people are told to hold on to their marriages when their adulterous spouses have already married someone else or have made it continually clear that they want nothing to do with the faithful partner. Christian men and women have writ­ten me telling of the counsel they were given to pray that God would destroy a second marriage, to restore their own. This is clearly contrary to 1 Corinthians 7:15. Counsel such as this only torments a person, causing them to hope and pray for something that is evil and destructive. When your spouse makes it clear by his or her words and actions that he (she) is not pleased to dwell with you, or when he (she) has already married someone else, I would encourage you to let your spouse depart as Scripture teaches. Note that Paul explains that, "A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace " (Vs. 15). A person in such circumstances is no longer bound by the marriage vows because the unfaithful spouse's actions have demonstrated his or her total disregard for the marriage. Following this counsel is God's method to bring some measure of peace to the offended mate.

Now let's consider the flip side of this issue. What if your non-Christian spouse is pleased to live with you? Paul teaches clearly, "If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is will­ing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not be­lieve, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your chil­dren would be unclean, but now they are holy" (1 Cor 7:12-13). God's Word is clear, don't di­vorce this person. Why? Because, as a believer, you sanctify your non-Christian mate. What does it mean to sanctify your spouse?

First, let me tell you what it doesn 't mean. To sanctify your mate does not mean that you auto­matically bring salvation to your husband or your children because you stay in the marriage. This is a complete misunderstanding of the meaning of sanctification. Let me explain briefly what sanctification means.

The word sanctify is the same root word that is translated "holy," "set apart," or "perfecting holi­ness." The same word is also translated "sanctify" or "holy" at the end of verse 13 in reference to your children. This word sanctify is used in the Old Testament of the utensils that were set apart for use in the Temple offerings. These utensils were holy and set apart for this service alone. Therefore, to sanctify means to set something apart or to set someone apart for God's purposes. Consider four ways you are sanctified:

(1)   You were sanctified before you came to Christ. God set you apart and sanctified you by the
Spirit of God as He drew you to Jesus Christ. In John 6:44 Jesus said, 'Wo one can come to Me
unless the Father who sent Me draws him. "

(2)   At the point of salvation Scripture declares that you "were washed, you were sanctified, you
were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 6:11). Therefore, after you received
Jesus you were then sanctified by God, washed from your sins, and placed in His kingdom (Col.
1:13).

(3)   You are also sanctified as you walk with Christ and grow in personal holiness. This transfor­
mation of your life occurs as He sets you apart by conforming you into the image of the Son.

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Paul called this work, "perfecting holiness " (2 Cor. 7:1). This sanctifying work occurs as you trust and apply God's promises in your personal life.

(4) Finally, God's sanctifying work is completed at the moment you meet Jesus face to face at death or when He returns for His own. Paul referred to this completed work when he said, "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 5:23).

Now that you understand the purpose of sanctification, how do these truths relate to our subject of a believing spouse living with an unbeliever? When a believer is living in the same home with a non-Christian, the unbeliever is being set apart by the Holy Spirit just because of your influ­ence and presence in the home. He or she will naturally have a greater potential to be saved than if the believer were absent. If a non-Christian is willing to dwell with you, the better chance you have of leading your non-Christian husband or wife to Jesus Christ. Paul makes this clear when he asks: "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife" (I Cor. 7:16)?

A further reason to stay in a marriage with an unbeliever is for the children's sake. "For the un­believing husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy " (1 Cor. 7:14). This word un­clean is the same word translated "common" many places in the New Testament. Remember Peter said to Jesus, "I have never eaten anything common or unclean " (Acts 10:14). If your chil­dren are common it simply means that they are not in a sanctified position. This is the same prin­ciple referred to above concerning your sanctifying influence over your unbelieving wife or hus­band. Therefore, because your presence has this sanctifying influence upon your spouse and your children, it is best to stay in your marriage if your mate is willing.

However, people have said to me many times, "I don't want to stay with my unbelieving spouse just for the children." But, in light of this instruction, I think it's an important reason! God is again trying to motivate you to stay and work out the problems. Do you realize that if you leave your spouse that your children could possibly end up living permanently with a non-Christian parent or stepparent, which would put them in an unsanctified position? I counsel parents all the time that have their children living in non-Christian homes who have tremendous struggles with the unsupervised evil influence of ungodly parents. When the children come home from visiting the ungodly parent, the godly spouse has to undo all the damage done over the weekend or sum­mer.

Finally, realize that you have a very powerful influence upon your spouse, your children, or any­one in your family. Use that influence. Be salt and light (Matt. 5:13-16). Be the example God has called you to be (1 Tim. 4:12). Are you the example you should be: of how a believer loves, how a believer speaks to others, how a believer walks in faith and lives in purity? Your behavior will affect all the people who live around you. You may not see an instant change, but I guarantee you that you will be sanctifying them by your life. Remember, your family is watching to see how you will handle the trials and triumphs in your life. Therefore, be a good witness. Sanctify those around you with your words and your behavior.

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Romans Study Guide ROMANS 6:1-23

Chapter 6 Overview

Paul now declares the glorious result of being justified from our sin; we are free from sin's power. He then explains the mechanics of how we become free from sin's domination in our lives. It is important to note that Paul is not discussing being forgiven of our sins, plural, but being made free from sin, singular. When sin is discussed in the singular, it is describing the na­ture of sin within. In addition, the word "sin" is used as a noun in this chapter. The noun usage describes the nature of sin, and the verb form denotes sinful acts. We are freed from the nature of sin that resides within us. In Chapter 7, he will describe the problem we encounter when becom­ing free from sin, the monkey-wrench in the gears (self-effort under the Law) that keeps us bound to our sin nature and its power. In Chapter 8, Paul will describe the power of the Spirit who sets us free from sin. These three chapters go together.

In our last chapter we left off in Chapter 5 with verse 20. In the middle of that verse Paul declares "but where sin abounded, grace abounded much more. " Naturally when some consider the abounding grace of God to overcome all their sin, someone might possibly come up with the idea that if God has so much grace, why not just continue to sin and let God give them more grace? In this chapter Paul answers this question forcefully.

What should God's abundant grace encourage you to do? (vs. 1)

Chapter 6 begins, "What shall we say then, shall we continue in sin? " The word con­tinue is in the present tense which refers to a continual willful practice of sinful behavior. Shall we continue sinning that grace may abound? He answers, Certainly not! Or, God forbid that this should ever be considered. Some have translated it "Perish the thought." In other words, this is twisted thinking! God's grace should encourage you to stop practicing sin. Then Paul explains why we should never think that to continue in sin is even an option.

You have died to sin (vs. 2)

What does it mean that you have died to sin? To understand this phrase you must think about what happens to someone who physically dies. Death brings a separation from all past ob­ligations and relationships. However, death in this context is used figuratively describing a sepa­ration from your sin nature because you have come into Christ. Therefore, the two relationships cannot co-exist. If you have really died to sin, then you can't continue practicing sin. It is im­possible.

In 1 John 3:9, you see this same truth taught. John said, "Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. " Therefore, if you have the seed of God (The nature of Christ) planted within you, you cannot continually practice sin (the words used in this verse for sin are in the present tense referring to a willful continuous act). Therefore, if you have been born of God, it is impossible for you to walk with Christ and practice sin. Perhaps you respond, "What about those people who call them­selves Christians, yet they continually practice sin?" If someone behaves in this manner, God's Word declares that they are not born again. That is the only conclusion you can come to, because a real Christian does not continue practicing sin. Either you have died to sin and have been freed from its controlling power, or you are still bound by sin. The only other option is that a person who has professed Christ and yet continues to practice sin is completely backslidden (Prov. 14:14). In either situation the person who continues to practice sin is not walking with Christ.

Now, I'm not talking about individual acts of sin. In 1 John 2:1, the apostle declares, "My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. " John is thus acknowledging the fact that Christians do sin. He even included himself by using the word "we." However, the word "sin," in this verse is in the singular, referring to a singular act of sin. By definition, a single act of sin would have to be followed by repentance and the forsaking of that sin, or that sin would not be

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repented of and, therefore, continued. Consequently, if there is repentance, "we have an Advo­cate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. "

How did you die to sin? (vs. 3-5)

You died to sin by believing in Christ and being baptized into His death. "Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the like­ness of His resurrection " (Romans 6:3-5). You can walk today in newness of life as a Christian, not practicing sin, because you are in Christ.

Why is this truth important? Just as you were identified with Adam and received his sin­ful nature when you entered this world, likewise when you entered into a relationship with Christ your were forgiven and received a new nature (Rom. 5:18-19). You are united together with Christ. His death was your death. His resurrection became your resurrection.

Another way you can be sure that you have died to sin is that you aren't practicing sin today. You can only do that because you have died to sin. The fruit of your life is proof that you have been given a new nature that enables you to follow the Lord and to walk after Him. You're living a totally different way than you used to live, which only proves that you have escaped the corruption of this world (2 Peter 1:3-4).

Therefore, we know that we died to sin because His Word declares it, and because the fruit is obvious in our lives. That's the basis of our freedom from sin. We are in Him. And that's the only basis of our freedom. It's not anything that we have done, it's something He did. It's finished. It's accomplished!

What do you have in Christ?

Consider for a moment all of what you have received in Christ. You were chosen in Him before the foundations of the world (Eph. 1:4). You have forgiveness from all your sins in Him (Eph. 1:7). You have been declared righteous in Him (2 Cor. 5:21). You have been sealed by the Holy Spirit in Him (Eph. 1:13). You have been given boldness and access into the Father's pres­ence because you are in Him (Eph. 3:12). You are complete in Him (Col. 2:10). In Him your fleshly nature has been circumcised from you in order to free you from the bondage of sin (Col. 2:11). All these blessings are yours because you are in Christ. The greatest blessing is the fact that you are free from the power of sin. But, you may be thinking, If lam so free from the power of sin, why do I struggle so often with the desires of my flesh?

How can you experience freedom from the power of your sin nature?

How can you begin to experience this freedom from sin's power in your life? If you can't take what Scripture teaches and put it into practice, then it's of no use. Therefore, Paul explains three simple steps to freedom. These steps are the mechanics of how to be set free and experi­ence that freedom from your sin. If you don't understand and apply these steps in your personal life, then you won't experience this freedom.

"Knowing" (vs. 6-10)

In verse 6, Paul declares, "knowing this. " Paul would not tell us to know this unless it was something that was absolutely essential for us to know. But, what must you know? He con­tinues, "knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God" (Rom. 6:6-10). Therefore, you must know that your old man was crucified with Christ and that you are freed from the power of sin. This is a fact just as real as Christ's death and resurrec­tion. Just as He died, you died. Just as death has no more dominion over Him, you also are free. Death and sin has no more dominion over Him or you!

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Many of you do not know this truth. You may know it intellectually, but you do not really know it. If you truly did grasp this truth you would not be struggling and losing the battle with your sin nature. You would be experiencing the freedom that is promised here. Therefore, ask God right now to open your spiritual eyes to understand and know these truths.

First, are you absolutely convinced that your old sinful nature was crucified with Jesus Christ? This means that this act is a past and completed work. Your sin nature was crucified. God doesn't have to do anything more for you to be free from the power of sin that once domi­nated you. Are you assured of that? Your sinful nature was destroyed with Jesus Christ. This word destroyed means to "render inoperative." It's like pulling the plug out of the wall on an electric light. You have rendered that light inoperative. How? Because you have removed it from its power source. That is the key. Jesus Christ pulled the plug on your old nature.

The Lord knows exactly how to deal with sin. He didn't just die for your sins (plural), the fruit of your sinful nature, but He went and destroyed the source of what generated those sins in the first place. He nailed it to the tree along with Himself. Your old nature was crucified there with Jesus Christ when He was crucified on that tree. He died to sin once, and you died also. He rose once and you rose right along with Him.

Perhaps you are thinking, That sounds great, but why do I still struggle with my sin na­ture? There are several possible reasons.

(1)   You really don't know this truth. If you are losing the battle with your sin nature, face
it, you don't really know what is described in verse 6. You can't know it. You can't be con­
vinced of this truth and still surrender to the power of sin in your own life. It's impossible. This
word know in verse 6, describes an experiential knowledge concerning this truth. It's the differ­
ence between knowing intellectually that fire is hot and will burn you, and sticking your finger in
the fire and knowing this truth by the pain. How can you get this knowledge? Ask the Holy
Spirit to convince you that the Word is true by whatever means He chooses. Remember, Jesus
told Peter that "flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven "
(Matt. 16:17). This is how it occurs. Your Father in heaven will break this truth upon your heart.
Ask Him right now to open the eyes of your understanding so that you might be absolutely con­
vinced that this is true.

(2)   You don't understand the promise (Being free from the dominion of sin versus, free­
dom from the presence of sin). There is a wonderful promise in Hebrews 2:14 that gives you a
great parallel to help you understand this truth of your sin nature being destroyed. In this text in
Hebrews, it uses the same Greek word for destroy that Paul uses in reference to the old man.
Scripture declares that Jesus came and died to destroy [render inoperative] the works and power
of Satan. However, Satan is still very much around today, isn't he? He still tries to lie, to tempt,
and condemn us. But God's Word teaches that his power has been rendered inoperative in your
life. It doesn't mean that he is gone and you'll never have any temptation, but you have been
freed from his power and his dominion by the work of Christ. In the same way God doesn't
promise you that you will be free from sin's presence, just as I'm not free from Satan's presence.
But you are free from Satan's dominion and control of your life just as you are free from sin's
dominion and mastery over your life. Do you see the parallel here?

(3)   You don't understand that your old man was crucified and is dead only in Christ. The
text declares that "our old was crucified with Him " (Rom. 6:6). The work of crucifying your old
man occurred with Christ, and only with Christ. Scripture does not teach that God crucified the
old man in you. In fact, the old man is very much alive in you right now, and that's why you
battle with sin every day. Scripture declares that there are two natures fighting inside every be­
liever in Christ. These two natures are described several ways in the Bible. They are called the
old man and the new man, or the flesh and the Spirit. Describing this battle Paul declares, "For
the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one
another, so that you do not do the things that you wish " (Gal. 5:17). Does not this describe the
battle you experience inside you every day? What most Christians don't understand is that this
battle is normal and is the proof that they are truly a child of God. However, many believers
think that because they fight and sometimes lose this struggle with sin that they are somehow not

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Christians. This is not the case! Yet, the most important truth believers fail to realize is that all that Christ accomplished is in Jesus positionally and each Christian must appropriate it person­ally for himself.

Therefore, when Scripture declares that the old man is dead it is referring to the fact that your sin nature is dead positionally in Him. Only in Christ is this a fact. But, you may be won­dering, How can I get what I have positionally in Christ, into my life practically so I can experi­ence the benefits of His work? This only occurs as you take the next step taught in this text, reck­oning.

"Reckon" (vs. 11-12)

The second step to finding freedom from the power of sin in your life is found in verses 11-13. He declares, "Likewiseyou also reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God.... Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourself to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. "

Paul's command is to "Reckon yourself to be dead to sin." What does this mean? The word reckon is the same word we looked at earlier in chapter four which is translated there as impute. This is an accounting word meaning to credit or account something to your ledger or in­ventory. God has stamped and credited my spiritual ledger with His righteousness. However, in this context Paul is asking Christians to account what God has done to be true. In other words, Paul is saying, "I want you to account or credit that your old man was crucified with Christ." You do that by faith, by believing what God has said.

If you attempt to account this fact by your feelings, it won't happen. Why? Because it doesn't feel like your old nature is dead. Only when you account that God's Word is true by faith will you experience the reality of this fact. You've actually got to believe in spite of your feel­ings. When the power of sin rages inside you with the fire of sexual passion or the feelings of anger or resentment dominate you, your feelings rule. At that point you have to obey the Word in spite of your feelings. You have to believe the facts instead of your feelings. You have to believe and reckon what God's Word declares - you're dead to sin. If you believe your feelings, your feelings will tell you, you're not dead.

Therefore, to believe and reckon as true that you are dead to sin is simply a choice you make to not obey sin or to allow it to dominate you anymore. Here is where your real freedom begins. You must recognize this fundamental choice, you will either obey the lusts of your flesh or you will obey God. Don't let sin reign in your mortal body. Reckoning yourself dead to sin is what it means to put off the old man.

Paul explains these same truths when he exhorted the Colossian church. "For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God ... Therefore put to death your members: ...fornica­tion, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience... But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds " (Col. 3:3-9). Therefore, be assured, as Paul taught, you died with Christ and your old sinful nature has been rendered inop­erative. Put your evil desires and behavior to death. Don't let these desires reign in you anymore!

"Present yourselves to God" (vs. 13)

The last step to finding the freedom that Christ has given entails presenting yourself to God. Paul declared, "And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God" (Rom. 6:13). This word present means to yield or to give yourself. This word describes a simple surrender of yourself, that's all. Just present yourself, yield to Him, in­stead of yielding to sin. That's the choice you need to make.

Notice that three times you are encouraged to make a choice. He declares, do not let sin reign in your mortal body, don't obey its lust, and do not present or yield your members. This fact reveals that your choice is very important. In addition, all three of these exhortations are in

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the present tense, which also tells you that your choice must be a continuous decision. Let not, obey not, present not - that's your choice. Instead, your response should be, present yourself to God. In other words, yield to Him instead of yielding to sin. Here is where your freedom be­comes complete. As you yield to God, the Holy Spirit sets you free from the power of sin and transforms your life. Paul explains how this takes place in Galatians 5:16. He declares, "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. " If you choose to surrender and present yourself to God, the Holy Spirit will naturally fill you and keep you from being controlled by your flesh. This is how you stop allowing sin to reign in your mortal body and obey His Word. You can only obey the truth by the Spirit's power. Notice how Peter teaches the same thing. "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart" (1 Peter 1:22). Remember, you can only obey the truth through the power of the Spirit. He gives you the power to obey and the power to put to death the deeds and desires of your flesh. In Romans 8:13, Paul also taught, "If you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. " If you want the life of Christ empowering your life, this is how to do it.

Paul's conclusion (vs. 14)

Verse 14 is Paul's simple conclusion to this matter: sin shall not have dominion over you. Why? Because you are not under Law - but under grace. The word dominion in this verse means to rule, control, or to have lordship. Remember, Paul is not speaking about the presence of sin in your life, only sin's dominion or control of your life. However, the question is why should sin not have dominion over you? The answer is that you are under grace.

What's the difference between being under grace versus a law principle? It's the differ­ence between depending on God to enable you as opposed to depending on yourself to live the Christian life. It's the difference between His power in your life versus your effort. Grace is be­stowed as you surrender instead of struggling to be good enough. Which principle would you rather have at work in your life?

Understanding this difference between grace and Law is one of the fundamental reasons why so many Christians continue to lose the battle with their sin nature. They have simply not sought the grace of God to set them free. Did you know that the Bible teaches that the harder you try in your own strength to fight your sin nature, the stronger the power of sin becomes? Paul taught, "The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law " (1 Cor. 15:56). The more you labor to defeat sin from a Law principle of self effort, the stronger sin becomes. There is only one person stronger than your sin nature and that one is the Holy Spirit. He will empower you by the grace that is sufficient for all your weaknesses (2 Cor. 12:9). If you will simply hum­ble yourself and ask God for His grace He will give it (James 4:6; James 4:2).

Now some ask the question, Why shouldn 't I just continue in sin so that God can bestow more of His grace upon me? Because grace is precisely what enables a person not to continue in sin. Grace doesn't give a person a license to sin. That's a total misunderstanding of the truth.

Three good reasons (vs. 15-23)

Finally, Paul gives us three good reasons why we shouldn't continue to sin. "What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. I speak in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh. For just as you presented your members as slaves ofuncleanness, and of lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now pres­ent your members as slaves of righteousness for holiness. For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus " (Rom. 6:15-23).

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You're a slave (vs. 16-18)

The first reason you should not continue in sin is that if you yield to sin, you become a slave of sin. In other words, you really are not free. Jesus told the Pharisees, "Whoever commits sin is a slave of sin " (John 8:34). When anyone commits sin (present tense, meaning this is a willful and continual practice of sin) they are in reality a slave of sin. If somebody you talk to doesn't think they are a slave of sin, just ask them to stop doing whatever sin it is. Stop using drugs, stop committing immorality, stop getting angry. They won't be able to do it. No one can quit except by the power of God. People simply don't realize that they are a slave of sin.

However, neither do Christians realize that when they yield to sin, they lose their freedom and become a slave to the very thing that God has set them free from. God has set you free if you will receive it. If you are not experiencing this freedom in any area of your life, let me encourage you, yield to Him. Become slaves of Jesus Christ and you will truly be free, because, whom the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36)!

This freedom came as you chose to obey Christ in the beginning and it can be yours now if you will simply choose to obey Him again. Notice verses 17-18. When you "obeyed from the heart" you were set free from sin. Obedience is not a feeling, it's a decision of the heart. Choose to obey from the heart and you will be free again.

Sin is progressive (vs. 19-20)

Paul now gives the second reason why we should not continue to practice sin. He ex­plains that sinful actions only lead to more sin because sin is progressive and possessive by na­ture. Paul reminds the people of when they presented their lives as slaves to sin that it only led to more lawlessness. Remember, the sinful desires of your heart are never satisfied with what it has experienced. Sin always wants more. When you begin to yield, this will only cause you to yield more. Perhaps you think, Oh, lean stop here. I won't compromise anywhere else. You are just deceiving yourself. You are underestimating sin's power.

In Isaiah 9:18, the Prophet declares that sin and wickedness are like a raging fire that consumes everything in its path. Sin is revealed in this passage to be progressive, consuming all that it touches. Paul affirms the same thing in Ephesians 4:22. Why does he command us to put off the old man? Because, "The old man...grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts." The word grows in this verse is in the present tense. In other words, if left unchecked, your sinful nature will cause you to continually grow more and more corrupt. This is a very good reason to put off the old man and surrender to Jesus. Wherever you are losing the battle with your deceitful lusts, why not put them off right now and be free?

Sin's fruit is death (vs. 21-23)

Paul's third reason deals with the fruit of sin. If you continue to sin you must eat the fruit! He asks his readers to consider and remember the death they experienced when they gave themselves over to practice unrighteousness. What kind of death is he referring to? When people sin they experience the death of emptiness and frustration resulting from a person's separation from a personal fellowship with God. This is the result of sin. Isn't this what you've always ex­perienced? Is this what you want?

However, when you yield to God you experience another fruit - holiness. The word holi­ness means that God sets you apart and transforms your life to be like His. Jesus said that He came to give you life (John 10:10). Then when this life is over you get to experience everlasting life. It's all a gift of God. You get the blessings of life now and that which is to come (1 Tim. 4:8). It's a gift of God.

Which do you want, the wages of sin or the gift of God? Sin's wages are terrible! You don't want these wages. You don't want the fruit of death. However, the fruit of His life inside you will produce holiness and lasting change in your life. You get to become like Him. That's what holiness is. I pray that right now the Holy Spirit will reveal these truths to your heart. In Christ, you're free, whether you feel like it or not. Will you apply these truths to your life and enjoy the freedom Christ has made possible? Begin today!

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Romans Study Guide

Romans 7:1-25

Chapter 7 Overview

In chapter 7, Paul continues to explain why Christians are not under the Law. He also shows us why we lose our battle with the flesh even when we desire to do what is right and good. In addi­tion, Paul is very open and honest about his own struggle with his flesh and the lessons he learned. This chapter reveals his conclusions concerning our complete deliverance from the Law and how this relates to our victory over the flesh. The central message of this chapter is that the Law can't change or sanctify you because it is powerless to do this work, and you are powerless to change yourself.

What must you know about the Law? (Vs. 1-6)

Paul begins with a question to capture your attention, "do you not know? " He is asking this question because many times we don't understand some of the most important truths that con­cern our relationship with Christ. When you fail to understand the truth of the Gospel it naturally keeps you in bondage to lies that hinder you from the growth that God desires for your walk with Him. Therefore, what must you know about the Law?

(1)  The Law has dominion over you as long as you live. Paul begins this chapter by explain­
ing the power of the Law and why you must stop striving in your own strength to fulfill
it. The apostle uses the example of the law of marriage to show the authority and domin­
ion the Law has over a person's life (vs. 1-3). Under the Law, as long as a husband or
wife was alive they were bound to their marriage vows. These vows had dominion over
them as long as they lived. If either spouse died the other was then set free to marry
again. (Paul's use of this example was not intended as an exhaustive look at the subject of
marriage and divorce. However, it is important to remember that even within the Law
there is another reason given for divorce. Deut. 25:1-2.)

Even under our current legal system, if someone is charged with a crime and dies before coming to trial, the law will not continue to prosecute the person. The law only has do­minion over a person's life as long as he or she is alive. Therefore, when you are dead, all previous relationships are cancelled.

What is Paul's point? In Romans 7:4, he explains that because you are in Christ, you have become dead to the law. The Law cannot hold you in bondage anymore because that re­lationship has been severed and cancelled. The old person that you were, died with Christ. You were crucified with Christ that you might live unto God (Gal. 2:19-20). Therefore, because of your position in Christ, you are set free from the Law and its do­minion over you. Your new relationship to God is based on your marriage to Jesus. He is the bridegroom and you are the bride (Matt. 25). You are a completely new creature in Christ Jesus (2 Cor. 5:17). This new relationship with Christ is what enables you to bear fruit unto God in a way that you could never do under the Law. In Christ your relation­ship is based on love, His promises, and your trust in Him. These are the qualities needed for any successful marriage relationship. However, under the Law a person's relationship would be based on duty to a command motivated by fear. Therefore, note the contrast between these two very different motives for relationship. One will strangle you; the other will allow the fruit of the Spirit to abound. Therefore, bear fruit unto God!

(2) The Law arouses your passion to sin. In verse 5, Paul explains what happens when you
try to do what is right by the power of the flesh. Your sinful passions are naturally

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aroused by the Law's commands. For example, think about what you want to do when you see a sign that says; "Do not touch." Don't you sense inside a natural desire that immediately wants to touch? That is the Law stirring up your naturally rebellious sinful nature. The Law actually strengthens the sinful passions inside you simply because your fleshly nature is hostile to God and will not be subject to the Law of God (Rom. 8:7). The Law is like spreading gasoline on the raging fire of a man's passions. This is why Paul explained to the Corinthian Church, "The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law" (1 Cor. 15:56). This is why the harder you try to obey God's Law in your own strength, the stronger sinful desires seem to become.

Paul explains in verse 6 that you have been delivered from the Law, having died with Christ to all that held you captive. There is only one way to serve the Lord in the freedom that He has given, and that is to serve in the newness and the power of the Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the only One who is stronger than the power of your sinful nature. He is the One who alone can empower and strengthen you to think and do what is right and good. Chapter 7 and 8 of this epistle is given to prove this point.

(3) The Law can't justify you and neither can it sanctify you. Paul has already established the fact that the Law can't justify anyone (Rom. 3:20). Remember, "If righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain " (Gal. 2:21). In addition, this chapter is written to prove that neither can the Law sanctify, change, or make you righteous. Paul states, "For if there had been a law given which could have given life, truly righteousness would have been by the law" (Gal. 3:21). If you want real life or righteousness it must come through grace and not your efforts to fulfill the Law. Just because you have a law that de­clares you must do this or that, does not mean you will have to power to do it. Only grace can empower you to do what God requires.

What does it mean, "You are dead to the Law?" (Vs. 6)

Whenever you hear of a person's physical death it immediately makes you think of their deliver­ance and separation from this present world. Their spirit has been separated from their physical body into the glorious deliverance of eternal life (Luke 8:55). Therefore, "dead" as it is used in this text is describing your deliverance and separation from the Law. In a spiritual way you be­come separated and delivered in Christ from many things. When you became a Christian you be­came dead to the power of your old sinful nature to rule you any longer (Rom. 6:3-6). You are dead to the world and its corrupting ways of lust (Gal. 6:14) (2 Peter 1:4). Now Paul explains that you are also dead to the Law. What does this phrase mean?

(1)   You are delivered and separated from the Law and its condemnation because you are in
Christ. Because of man's sin and failure to obey the Law, it naturally condemned all men.
The purpose of the Law was to reveal to men their guilt before a Holy God (Rom. 3:19-
20) (2 Cor. 3:9). However, the purpose of the Gospel was to reveal that all men were de­
livered and set free from this condemnation if they would simply believe (John 3:16-18)
(Luke 4:18). Jesus was condemned so that you and I would never have to experience
condemnation ever again. Paul declares in the next chapter, "There is therefore now no
condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus " (Romans 8:1). The Law condemned, and
you are delivered from the Law. Rejoice in this fact!

(2)   You are delivered from the Law as a means of justification and as a means of sanctifica-
tion. If you have received Christ, you are justified by faith and not by fulfilling some law
or ordinance. Your faith in His gracious offer of forgiveness is what saved and justified
you in His sight (Eph. 2:8-9) (Rom. 3:24). It is also important to realize that you can't
follow rules or laws to sanctify you (make you holy or conform you into the image of
Christ). Therefore, be sure that you continue to seek by faith His sanctifying and trans-

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forming power to now change your sinful habits and lifestyle. Paul made a very impor­tant comparison between the way God saved us and how He now transforms us when he said, "As you have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him " (Col. 2:6). In other words, in the same way you received the Lord you should also walk with Him. If you received Him by grace through faith, then walk this same way every day. Receive the abundance of His grace for all your needs today (Rom. 5:17).

(3)  However, to be delivered from the Law does not mean that we lead lawless lives. The
Law of God (The Ten Commandments) still remains a standard for morality. Jesus said
that He came to fulfill every aspect of the Law (Matt. 5:17). Paul also teaches that the
Law is good if a person uses it lawfully (1 Tim. 1:8). How may it be used lawfully? He
further explains that the Law was not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless, to
show what ungodly behavior looks like (1 Tim. 1:9-10). The Law is used to convict indi­
viduals "as transgressors " (James 2:9). This is why the Law is not necessary for a right­
eous man or woman who walks after the Spirit allowing Him to fulfill the righteous re­
quirement of the Law within them (Rom. 8:4).

(4)  You are delivered from the Law that you might be under a new law. James teaches us that
we are now under a new law, the royal law of love (James 2:8). Now remember, you have
been delivered from one marriage (or law) to be "married to another" (Rom. 7:4). You
can walk by this royal law of love because you have been saved, forgiven, married to
Christ, and filled with the Holy Spirit. Paul will explain in the next chapter that this new
law of love is called the "law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus " (Rom. 8:2). You can
only walk in love because the fruit of the Spirit produces the love you need within your
heart (Gal. 5:22-23). This "newness of the Spirit" is what enables you to serve with new­
ness of life and not "the oldness of the letter" (Rom. 7:6). This means that instead of
serving because there are letters and words written on a page commanding you to serve,
you are serving Christ because you love Him and His life motivates you to serve. If His
love is not motivating you to serve in this manner, return to your first love!

Is the Law the problem?

Paul now anticipates the question that would naturally arise in the mind of a Jew reading his pre­vious statements that Christians are delivered from the Law. Paul answers these questions di­rectly, revealing the purpose of the Law of God. The question would be: If we are delivered from the Law does that mean that the Law is sinful or evil? He declares, certainly not! The Law of God is not the problem or reason we must be delivered from it. He now explains the purpose of the Law.

(1) The Law simply shows you the problem. Paul explains that God's intention for giving the Law was to reveal to mankind what was holy, just, and good (vs. 12). That makes the Law itself holy, just, and good. However, the revelation of God's just standard of righteousness also reveals that I am not doing what it commands. This revelation is the second purpose of the Law, to give the knowledge of sin (Rom. 3:20). Therefore, the problem is not with the Law. The problem is with men who violate this Law.

Paul then gives his personal testimony. He reveals his struggle with understanding that the Law commanded that he should not covet, yet realizing that his knowledge of this com­mand only showed him how much he was coveting. It's interesting that Paul picks the one command that deals with an internal desire and not an external action (stealing or bearing false witness). The prohibition against coveting convinced Paul that he was violating the Law of God.

Several times in this chapter Paul reveals one of the most critical truths concerning the Christian life. He acknowledges that it was his sinful nature that was the problem in his

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personal life and not the Law (vs. 8,11,13,14,17,20,23). If you understand this truth, you will know how to deal with your personal struggles. As long as you argue with the right­eousness or wisdom of God's commands, blame the devil for your trouble, or charge the church or people with the primary responsibility for your personal struggles in life, you will never experience victory in your walk. Paul battled with these issues in his own life and his inspired conclusions will set you free if you receive them. When you are seeking to deter­mine what the source of a problem is, first examine yourself and your own faults before you blame God or others (Matt. 7:5).

(2)  How was Paul alive once without the Law? Paul now explains this very important con­
cept in understanding our inner struggle with God's Law. The only way Paul could have
ever "been alive once" and been "deceived" is at the beginning of his Christian walk.
Scripture plainly teaches that, "He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son
of God does not have life " (1 John 5:12). Therefore, the apostle had to be referring to his
early Christian experience. The context of chapters 6 and 8 would agree with this conclu­
sion. What happened to Paul was this: When he began to walk with Christ he experienced
that new life and freedom of God's grace, yet he realized that his heart was still coveting
that which was carnal and worldly. This realization brought him to the conclusion that the
Law was spiritual and he was very carnal and fleshly (vs. 14). Then his sinful heart de­
ceived him into thinking that he could change himself. However, the harder he tried the
worse the struggle became. Many times we are deluded just like Paul into thinking that we
are strong. This is the essential character of our sinful nature. Scripture warns us: "Exhort
one another daily, while it is called 'Today,' lest any of you be hardened through the de-
ceitfulness of sin " (Heb. 3:13). Haven't you experienced this deceitfulness in your own
heart? Your sinful heart says to you, "you can handle this activity and you won't become
entangled. You can play with this sin and not get caught." We fool ourselves into thinking
that we are stronger than we really are. Then we fail and death returns to our soul. This is
what happened to Paul. The Law, which was holy, just, and good began to condemn him
once again simply because he failed to stop his coveting.

(3)  His conclusion. Paul again warns his readers not to condemn God's Law for this struggle.
He explains that it is not God's good Law that brought death to him, but the power of his
own sinful nature and desires that produced his struggle and failure. In fact, the whole ex­
perience revealed to him just how exceedingly sinful he really was. He realized that even as
a believer, alive and forgiven of his sin, that he could not do what was good in his own
strength. He explains this further in the next few verses.

Am I the problem? (Vs. 14-25)

The next issue that Paul addresses is one that many Christians struggle with every day. They are attempting to understand why they battle with the flesh and fail so often. They surmise, If the Law is not the problem, then I must be the problem. I must be an especially sinful person to have all these problems and struggles. Thinking like this seems logical, however it is not biblical. There are no people who are unique or special as far as righteousness or evil is concerned. We are all in one category as Paul has already stated. "There is none righteous, no, not one " (Rom. 3:10). There is also no temptation that is not "common to man " (1 Cor. 10:13). We all struggle with the same things and we all obtain a righteous standing before God the same way. There is "no difference" between us (Rom. 3:22). Interestingly, what Paul admits in this chapter is that he is involved in the same struggle that you are. It is truly liberating to realize that the great apostle battled with the same issues that you and I do.

(1) Paul is speaking of his present circumstance. From this point in the text it is quite clear that Paul is speaking of his present experience and struggle with his own sinful nature, not some experience he had before he was a Christian. Paul writes almost this entire section of

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his letter in the present tense. He declares, "lam carnal, sold under sin " (vs. 14). "What I am doing, I do not understand" (vs. 15). "For to will is present with me, but how to per­form what is good I do not find " (vs. 18). "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death " (vs. 24)?

Some have taught that Paul was speaking in this passage about his past experience before coming to Christ. However, this idea cannot be supported from the obvious references listed above. These verses clearly reveal the present struggle that Paul was having as he wrote this epistle. What do these statements reveal?

(2)     The total inadequacy of willpower. Paul revealed in this section of Scripture what he
found in his personal battle with his own sinful desires. He states that his own will power
was not enough to win in the struggle against his sinful nature. He describes the complete
inadequacy of human resolve and will power. He had the will to do what was right, but
found that he often did what he hated. Paul realized that he didn't understand how to per­
form what he wanted to do or was commanded to do. This struggle continued until he un­
derstood what the real problem was, sin.

(3)     He was not the problem. Paul came to the conclusion that he was not the problem (the
new renewed man or his will), but in reality it was his sinful nature (the old man or sin that
dwelt in him) that was the real source of his difficulty. He came to this conclusion because
he realized I don't want to do what is evil. He acknowledged, I delight to do God's will.
This delight proved that he was truly a Christian and that he was a renewed individual. Paul
recognized that the new man, the renewed Paul, wanted to do what was right, or there
would not have been a battle inside his heart and mind.

(4)     What is the real problem? Paul makes a clear distinction between what "I will not to
do," and the "sin that dwells in me " (vs. 20). He realized that there was a big difference
between the old Paul (the flesh) and the new renewed Paul (that which willed to do good).
He determined that it was his old sinful nature that was giving him all the trouble. It wasn't
the new man. Not discerning this very important distinction is the cause of great confusion
and condemnation within a Christian's life. Be assured, it is your sinful nature that drives
you to desire sinful things and sinful behavior. When you understand this, then it is quite
clear where the problem resides and how to deal with it.

(5) The solution. You must simply reckon yourself dead to sin and alive to God! This is the
solution to the struggle going on within your life. How do you reckon yourself dead to sin
and alive to God? I would refer you to the notes on this subject in Romans 6:6-13 of this
study.

(6) Paul's conclusions (vs. 23-24). Paul realized that there were two laws at work inside him
(one in his members and one in his heart and mind). One law wanted to draw him into sin
and evil, the other exerted influence in the opposite direction. These two laws were the
main reason for the struggle within his life. He concluded that he was a wretched man that
was weak and could not deliver himself from this dilemma. Note, all hope in himself was
gone. Therefore, Paul cried out for a deliverer outside of himself. He thanks that Deliverer,
Jesus Christ our Lord.

Have you come to these same conclusions? Have you given up all hope in yourself and your own self-effort to deliver you from your struggle with sin? Are you looking outside yourself for de­liverance from the battle with sin in your members or do you still think you can do it on your own? Your response to these questions will determine whether you will have a testimony of de­feat as found here in chapter 7 or of the victory found in chapter 8.

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Romans Study Guide

Romans 8:1-17

Chapter 8 Overview

Romans chapter 8 is the high point in this epistle because it reveals the means of your liberation and how you can enter into the Promised Land of victory and rest from your struggles. Eighteen times in this chapter Paul refers to the work that the Holy Spirit has done and desires to continu­ally do in your life. Paul emphasizes the work of the Spirit in this chapter because He is your lib­erator, He is your hope, and He is your strength for gaining victory while you still live in your fleshly body. You have been delivered from the bondage of sin just like the Children of Israel were delivered from the bondage of Egypt (Micah 6:4; John 8:31-36; Rom. 8:21). You were baptized into Christ just as the Jews were baptized into Moses (1 Cor. 10:2). The Israelites were "our examples " in this spiritual journey (1 Cor. 10:6). Now we are to enter into the rest of Christ, which is typified by the Promised Land (Heb. 4:1-3). The Promised Land did not typify heaven, because the Children of Israel had battles in the land and suffered occasional defeats. Rather, the Promised Land represents the life of victory over all your enemies and the enjoyment of the wonderful provision of Christ. In this "land" you will have to fight the good fight of faith, because if you don't mix the Word with faith you will suffer an occasional defeat (Heb. 4:2). That won't change the fact that you have still been delivered from the bondage of sin and may again walk in His victory by simply believing His promise. You are free! Your inheritance of rest and victory is waiting for you if you will receive it and just enter in. May God open your heart to know and experience these truths.

Our freedom (vs. 1-4)

In these first few verses, Paul declares some of the most glorious truths that any believer can comprehend. There is freedom in Christ, and it's yours! You have been liberated from all that would bind and hinder you. What does this freedom that God has given you consist of? (1) Freedom from condemnation. This passage must be compared with Paul's previous statement in Romans 3:19 to be fully appreciated. "Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. " What an incredible contrast to this verse is re­vealed in chapter eight. The Law was given to bring all men to a realization of God's lawful requirements making clear that men were guilty, condemned, and in need of a Savior because they were not fulfilling these commands. The Gospel came to proclaim that the price had been paid and that men could be free from guilt and condemnation be­cause the Savior had redeemed us. The most important thing is to notice why there is no condemnation. There is only one reason. You are in Christ Jesus. Your position in Christ is what brings you all this freedom. This is glorious! If you are a Christian, this freedom is yours right now! Nothing further needs to be done. You are free from all condemna­tion. Will you receive this by faith? Let's look at how this occurs.

If you are "in Christ" that means you believe in Jesus and this faith alone sets you free from all of God's condemnation. Jesus declared this truth at the beginning of His minis­try. "He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is con­demned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God" (John 3:18). Why does simple faith in Christ bring this blessing? If you believe in Jesus that means that you have repented of your sin and been forgiven. Jesus made it clear that repentance and real faith go together when He said "Repent, and believe in the Gospel" (Mark 1:15). When you repent He also purifies your heart "by faith " (Acts 15:9). Therefore, if a person repents, believes, is cleansed and forgiven of their sin, this

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means that they are justified from all that would condemn them. Paul has already taught this truth when he explained that God gives His righteousness "through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus " (Romans 3:22-24). However, this freedom from condemnation does not mean that God condones sin. No! He condemned sin, and He condemned it at the cross. But, He will not condemn those who believe, confess, and repent of their sin (John 8:11-12; 1 John 1:9). Have you believed, confessed, and turned unto Him for His help? Then there is therefore no condemnation for you!

But, as a Christian, do you still experience and battle with condemnation? What does this mean? It means that this condemnation is coming from another source. There are several possibilities that you should consider. (1) You may be condemning yourself because of a lack of understanding and faith in the truths taught here in Romans chapter eight (1 John 3:20). God knows your heart and He sees what is happening to you. If God sees that you are in the same predicament that Paul was in Romans chapter seven, He is not going to beat you up with condemnation. He knows all things. His plan will be to encourage and lead you to the freedom that is revealed in this chapter. (2) Condemnation can also come from Satan. He is called a liar, deceiver, and the accuser of the brethren (John 8:44; Rev. 12:10). Satan can also misuse your own conscience and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Satan loves to take the Holy Spirit's conviction and turn it into condemnation. You must remember that conviction will always draw you to the Lord and cause you to repent. Condemnation, on the other hand, always drives you away from God, and makes you feel unworthy to approach Him. (3) You also may not actually be a Christian, which would mean that you are not in Christ. If you continually question your salvation, go back and make sure what you believe and determine if you've seen some actual fruit of your faith. If not, please read the study on our site www.calvaryag.org entitled, "How can you be sure that you have been born again."

Freedom from the law of sin and death (vs. 2)

First, what is the law of the Spirit of life that has made you free from the law of sin and death? What are these two laws? Understanding these two laws and how they work will bring great freedom to your walk.

A law is an established principle or rule that controls actions. It's a principle or rule that works the same way every time. A law of science is a principle that we count on as a fact. Every time an experiment is performed, this law of science can be proven. The law of the Spirit of life and the law of sin and death work the same way. The law of the Spirit will always bring life and set you free from the law of sin every time you yield to Him. Likewise, the law of sin will always bring you into bondage and death every time you yield to it. The glorious truth is that you have been set free from the law of sin and death once and for all. Why? Because the law of the Spirit of life is a higher law than the law of sin and death. The law of sin and death cannot hold you in bondage any longer. Let me illustrate.

Illustration # 1 - The Law of sin and death is like the law of gravity that holds you captive on the ground. The law of the Spirit of life is like the law of lift. Every time I fly in an airplane I am amazed. Here is this 747, made of hundreds of thousands of pounds of metal and steel, and yet it still lifts off the ground every time it proceeds down the runway and takes off. This plane is de­fying the law of gravity. Have you ever wondered, How does it do that? It flies because it is obeying a simple law called lift. It's a higher law than the law of gravity. The law of lift causes that plane to take off and fly. Lift is created by the shape of the wing and the airflow over its sur­face. The higher pressure that is created under the wing creates this lift pushing the wing up and

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causing the plane to lift off the ground. This is exactly what happens to someone that yields to the Holy Spirit. They begin to soar. But, perhaps you are thinking, That may work with gravity but it is impossible for me to believe that I could ever get free from my anger, my lust, or my pride. But, let me assure you that the law of the Spirit is a higher law than the law of sin and it works every time! But, you have to receive the power that's available through His Spirit. That's what Paul had learned and that's why he was so excited to share it with us.

Illustration # 2 - The law of sin and death is like a 400-lb. Sumo wrestler. You are in a tag-team-wrestling match and you are about to be pinned by this Sumo wrestler. There looks like there is no way out. What should you do? The wonderful thing is that you have a 700-lb. wrestler on your team! Quickly you tag his hand and he jumps on this guy and you are set free. The Spirit is like having this 700-lb. wrestler on your team. The Spirit will set you free from certain defeat every time you ask.

Which law are you living your life by today? Which law do you experience on a regular basis? Do you live with the constant defeat of the law of sin and death or the freedom of the law of the Spirit? Jesus assured us, "How much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those that ask Him " (Luke 11:13). Every time you ask for more of His Spirit in your life you are frustrating the law of sin and its attempt to dominate your life. As you wait upon the Lord and seek Him for His strength, you defy gravity and you begin to soar. Remember the promise of God. "But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31). This verse promises that you can experience strength, power, and ability far beyond what you've ever thought possible! Ask Him for it today!

Freedom from trying to be righteous (vs. 3,4)

In verses 3 and 4 Paul declares, "For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He con­demned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. " How glorious this is! God chose not to condemn you. He chose to condemn the thing that stumbles us and destroys our walk, sin in the flesh. God dealt with the source of our problems, the source of our struggle (Rom. 7:18). Paul realized that because of what God had already done, the law of the Spirit of life was now able to do something in him. This work of fulfilling the righteous requirement of the Law was some­thing that was impossible for him to do on his own. The Law could not do it, because it was weak through the flesh. That means you cannot fulfill the righteous requirement of the Law ei­ther. The Law can't produce it in you. Your own flesh can't produce it in you. Therefore, what did God do? He did it. He came and did what had to be done. He came and fulfilled the righteous requirement of the Law. He lived a perfect life and He paid the penalty for each of us. Then He said you need to believe this work that I've done, and if you do I'll come into you. What happens when He comes to live inside of you? By the power of His Spirit, He does in you what you could never do on your own. Here is the simple truth He declared in this text. In other words, Paul is saying to you, "Stop trying to make yourself righteous; it's already done. Let the Spirit do His work of transforming you."

Paul declared in Colossians 2:10, "You are complete in Him. " God's work is complete and if you are in Him then you are complete too. The word complete means that there is nothing still wanting. This means there is nothing still wanting or nothing you still need to do to make your­self righteous in the sight of God. Your standing in Christ is righteous by your faith in Him, and God is working out in you the righteous requirement of the Law. Just yield to His Holy Spirit. Paul also makes it clear that to experience this work, you must walk according to the Spirit, not according to the flesh. The word according to means, by or after. In other words, don't walk by

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the means or power of the flesh, walk by the means of the Spirit, or under the control of the Spirit. This is where the freedom is found! "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Phil. 1:6). "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh " (Gal. 5:16). Be confident that He will do the work. Yield to Him and He will do it!

The freedom to choose (vs. 5-11)

In the previous verses Paul has revealed our incredible freedom in Christ. Now he explains our responsibility to use this freedom to choose what is good. He states, "For those who live ac­cording to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God" (Rom. 8:5-8). Paul begins by explaining the essential difference between a Christian and a non-Christian. All people who live on this planet are in one of two categories: there are those who have set their minds on the flesh and choose to live according to the flesh, and those who make the opposite choice, to set their minds on living according to the Spirit. The phrase set your minds means to willfully direct your attention to, seek after, or to strive for something. These words reveal the obvious choice you must make which will determine the fruit your life produces. Do you under­stand that you have tremendous choices set before you every day? See Isaiah 7:15; Proverbs 1:29; Proverbs 12:26; Isaiah 56:4; Mark 1:15. Your responsibility is to make the right choice. You have the freedom to make the right choice! What choices are you making? Are you setting your mind on the fleshly things or on the things of the Spirit? The problem is that many Chris­tians want to set their minds and seek after the things of the flesh part of the time and the things of the Spirit part of the time. This double-mindedness results in great confusion in your life and allows the war to continue within. How can you stop this battle?

(1)     Choose to seek the things that are above. Paul said, "If then you were raised with Christ, seek
those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God" (Col. 3:1). If
you want what He is offering, then obey this command! It's a choice you must make. Does
the Lord have what you are looking for? If you believe that He does, then seek Him.

(2)     Choose to control your thought life. Paul also said, "Set your mind on things above, not on
things on the earth " (Col. 3:2). What do you allow your mind to dwell upon? Fleshly things,
worldly desires, or the things of God? What you think about will have a real effect upon your
spiritual freedom and satisfaction. Remember that Jesus rebuked Peter for his wrong think­
ing. "For you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men " (Mark 8:33). Is
this what hinders you?

(3)     Choose to reckon yourself dead to sin and alive to God. How do you do this? Go back to
Romans chapter 6 and reread that section. Remember, your sinful desires do not have the
right to rule you anymore. You have been bought with a price. You belong to God. He has
the right to rule you. Surrender to Him!

(4)     Choose to stop sowing seeds of failure. Paul warned the Galatian church, "Do not be de­
ceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows
to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit
reap everlasting life " (Gal. 6:7-8). What seed are you sowing? You can't reap life when you
are sowing seeds that will only bring death. What do I mean? What kind of music do you
listen to? What kind of movies do you watch? What kinds of books or magazines do you
read? Who are your friends, and do they build you up spiritually or tear you down? What
kinds of places do you go for recreation? These choices will either sow seeds of failure or

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enable victory in your life. It all depends upon what you choose to set your mind upon and how you choose to behave that will determine victory or failure in your life.

The fruit of your decision will either be death or life to your soul (vs. 6). There is no middle ground. Why? Because your carnal mind is at enmity with God. The word enmity is the same word translated adversary in Scripture, a term used for Satan. He is the adversary and enemy of God and is continually hostile toward God. Similarly, your carnal nature is also an enemy of the Law of God and can never be subject to the Law of God. Your flesh can't please God no matter how hard you try. Paul declares that those who live in the flesh cannot please God. This is why you should never try to reform your fleshly nature. The only thing you can do is, put it to death! Put it off by faith. Your carnal nature was crucified with Christ, therefore, put it off and refuse to be controlled by it anymore.

However, notice that Paul reminds us that believers are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if in­deed the Spirit of God dwells in us. Our position has been permanently changed. We are in Christ, God dwells in us, we have been translated into His kingdom and His Spirit resides in us. The greatest proof that God does indeed live in us is that He has given us His Holy Spirit. "And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us " (1 John 3:24). If the Spirit lives in you, then this is proof positive that God dwells in you.

What does this mean for those who are in Christ and filled with the Spirit? Paul declares that "if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you " (Rom. 8:10-11). What does he mean? Simply this: Your body is dead in its ability to help you live the Christian life. The body is literally as lifeless and powerless as a corpse. Your body has no power to help you do what is good and it is appointed to die one day because of sin. But, the real you, your spirit, is alive because the Holy Spirit lives inside you. The Spirit lives in you only because of the righteous act of Jesus Christ. Therefore, when Christ makes His home in you, He does what conies natural to Him, He produces life within your heart. "He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life " (1 John 5:12). The biggest blessing occurs when you die; the Holy Spirit who lives in you will raise you to life in the resurrection.

Paul's encouragement to make your choice (vs. 12-14)

Paul now gives us an encouragement to be responsible and make the appropriate choice and live like free people. He also explains the key to living free. "Therefore, brethren, we are debtors— not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God" (Rom. 8:12-14).

What one important fact proves that you are a son of God? The fact that you are led by the Spirit of God confirms that you truly are a child of God. What will the Spirit lead you to do if you are His son? According to Paul, the Spirit will lead you to put to death the deeds of your body. This is proof positive that you are a child of God.

What a glorious truth! You are free to put to death the deeds of your body by making the choice not to sin. You are no longer a debtor to the flesh. You don't have to obey the dictates of your flesh anymore. But many times Christians say, "I can't stop doing this sin." However, if this statement is true, then you must not really be a Christian, because Christians can stop their prac­tice of sin. If you're in Christ, you have been set free from the power of sin. You should rather say, "I am a believer, but I'm struggling with a particular sin in my life." This is very possible.

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The problem would then be that you either don't know about the freedom you possess, or you aren't exercising your faith in God's Word to experience that freedom.

You are not a debtor to the flesh, but a debtor to God to live unto Him as His servant. You owe the Lord your entire life because He has set you free from the law of sin and death. You have been bought with a price, therefore, glorify God with your spirit and your body (1 Cor. 6:20). This is how you can glorify the Lord and fulfill your debt to God. Exercise your freedom of choice and put to death the deeds of the body. How can you do this? The word^ow is used four times in verse 13. Paul made it extremely clear that "if you" will take the action of putting to death these deeds, you will live. Who has this responsibility? You do! However, you don't have to try and do this by yourself or in your own power. Remember, Paul said this putting to death is done by the Spirit. The Spirit of God is the only person who can help you put to death the desires and the deeds of your flesh. But, it begins with your choice.

Paul is talking to believers here when he said if you live according to the flesh. Therefore, it must be possible for a believer to choose to give into the flesh. The result of that choice is, "You will die." The law of sin and death is still in effect for anyone who walks down that road. Your hu­man responsibility is to yield to the Holy Spirit. Surrender and say, "I give in, Lord. I can't free myself from this sin. Lord help me. Fill me." Only by the power of His Spirit can you be made free. The Spirit causes the desires of your flesh die. You cannot kill them by struggling to free yourself. That is a losing battle. Freedom only occurs when you cry out for the Spirit to come. It's that simple! This is what Paul encouraged when he said, "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh " (Gal. 5:16). This is where you find the freedom you're looking for. The word "walk in the Spirit" means to order your life and your conduct according to the Spirit. In other words, allow the Spirit to control you as you walk through life. The result is, you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh. It is no more difficult than that. That is where life is to be found.

Freedom from fear (vs. 15-17)

Paul now deals with one of the most destructive emotions known to man, fear. "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together" (Rom. 8:15-17). Paul's principle point in this pas­sage is that when the Holy Spirit comes to live inside you He delivers you from the bondage of fear. You have realized God's love and grace and that He is calling you unto Himself. You natu­rally cry out 'Abba, Father,' (literally "Father, Father") because the Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God.

Not only does the Spirit come within to set you free, but the Spirit also leads you to the One who sets you free. Think about that. The Spirit of God conies into our hearts to lead us to the Father. This is the result of surrender. It'sprayer. The result of surrendering to the Holy Spirit naturally leads you back to the Father to receive more of the Holy Spirit! So when you cry out to Him as Father, the fear is gone because your sins are forgiven. You're justified. You're a part of God's family, and therefore, you just naturally want to cry out to Him as your Father. If you're not praying very much, it means you're not surrendering very much. Surrendering to Him brings this natural fruit of prayer. That's what this verse is saying. Not only does the Spirit bring me to Him, but He also bears witness to me that I am His. This gives me assurance and confidence in prayer.

This assurance is the result of His Spirit at work within you bearing witness to the truth that you are His. Note what the apostle John taught: "If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God

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is greater; for this is the witness of God which He has testified of His Son. He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, be­cause he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son " (1 John 5:9-10). If you have believed the testimony that God has given concerning His Son, you will have this witness in your heart. This witness is greater than anything that man could give. A non-Christian cannot have this witness and does not have this access by prayer to God as Father. Proverbs 28:9 and Proverbs 15:8 state clearly that the wicked have no access to God and their prayer is actually an abomination unto Him. The only prayer of the wicked that God will respond to is a sincere prayer for forgiveness and mercy. He will never turn that request away.

The Spirit that is given to us is also called the Spirit of adoption. The analogy of adoption into the family of God is a powerful illustration. In Roman culture when someone was adopted, all rights and responsibilities to the old family were severed once and for all. The adopted child was then granted the status of an equal inheritor with all rights and privileges of a natural born child. What an awesome place you possess as His son or daughter. You are not a stepchild, an outsider, or child on probation. You have full rights and privileges as an heir of the king and a joint heir with Jesus Christ.

Think of it. You are a joint-heir with Jesus Christ to all that the Father possesses. It's hard to comprehend all that this means. God has made you an equal partner with His own Son. You are seated in Christ in heavenly places! What an incredible statement! However, look at the Scrip­ture: Paul rejoiced, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ" (Eph. 1:3). Jesus promised that, "To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne " (Rev. 3:21). Jesus illustrated this in the parable of the prodigal son, "Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours " (Luke 15:31).

But, if you want this glorious inheritance you must also be willing to inherit one more thing, suf­fering. Notice this last phrase in verse 17. "If indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." Willingness to suffer is another proof that you truly are His child. Scripture is clear: "For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake " (Phil. 1:29). "All who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer per­secution " (2 Tim. 3:12). When you love someone you naturally would deny yourself and suffer for them. Our love for Christ will also draw us to make any sacrifice necessary to follow Him, even if it means suffering at the hands of others. Jesus told His disciples at the beginning of their ministry, "Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you" (Matt. 5:11-12). We would do well to re­member these words.

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Romans Study Guide

Overview

Romans 8:18-39

In the first 17 verses of Romans 8, Paul proclaims our freedom from condemnation and the law of sin and death. He also describes the freedom we have as believers to make choices, setting our minds upon spiritual things that we might receive the peace and the life of God. He assures us that the Holy Spirit lives in us and continually bears witness that we truly are His children and that we are joint-heirs with Jesus Christ.

When some believers ponder these truths, they look at all the sufferings of this life and wonder, How can I be sure these blessings will all take place in my life? From verse 18 to the end of this chapter Paul reveals why he can be so positive that all he has just said, will take place.

Freedom to hope (8:18-25)

Before we look at the specifics of these passages, I want you to consider the confidence and the firm hope that Paul had for the future. Look at these phrases: "I consider" (vs. 18); "we know" (vs. 22); "we know" (vs. 28); "I am persuaded* (vs. 38). Paul had a full assurance and a complete confidence that these concepts and promises were true! God had persuaded him of these facts. You also need this kind of confidence when you experience the sufferings of this life. The assur­ance of God's promises for the future must be a reality in your life today if you are to have con­fidence during times of suffering. You must personally experience the reality of the Holy Spirit setting you free to know that God is with you and is at work in your life. This is where the assur­ance of "we know" and "I am persuaded" comes from. Then you can go through the sufferings you face with confidence knowing that He is also with you. Let's look at Paul's hope and assur­ance.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us " (Rom. 8:18). Suddenly, Paul makes an abrupt turn from the lofty truths at the beginning of this chapter to discuss the reality of the suffering and trials of life. Paul was honest about the difficulties in his own life and the expectation he had that even in the midst of suffering, God would see him through. Paul opens his heart as he compares the suffer­ings of this present time with all that God would give him in glory. His hope was firmly fixed on what was ahead. We have a glimpse of the glories of heaven from the apostle John when he spoke of those who are martyred during the Tribulation period and are transported immediately into the presence of God: "Therefore they are before the throne of God, and serve Him day and night in His temple. And He who sits on the throne will dwell among them. They shall neither hunger anymore nor thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any heat; for the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes " (Rev. 7:15-17).

When you consider the glories of heaven and you compare your suffering today, you realize that the present struggles here have no comparison with what's ahead. Paul concluded that his suf­ferings were but a light affliction that would only last a moment when he compared them to eter­nity (2 Cor. 4:17). Therefore, no matter what trials you are struggling with today, fix your eyes on heaven and rejoice knowing that you have an exceeding great reward (Matt. 5:11-12).

One of the things that encouraged Paul the most was the fact that he knew one day God would redeem his body. This expectation caused him to "eagerly" wait with hope that he would be ushered into the "glorious liberty of the children of God, " which the context clearly indicates was "the redemption of our body " (vs. 19; 21; 23). He knew that one day Christians would be finally revealed as "the sons of God" (vs. 22). This earnest expectation and hope motivated and strengthened Paul in the midst of his sufferings. He was confident that there was something

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more, something better ahead. If you don't have this hope, you will surely get depressed as you watch the daily news or as you look at your difficult circumstances.

Paul also acknowledged one of the reasons why God allows suffering in this world when he said, "For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope" (Romans 8:20). What did he mean by this statement? The word futility means useless-ness, emptiness, or incompleteness. God ordained that life in this world apart from Him would always be an empty experience. The sense of incompleteness inside of every person is a result of the fall of man. God allows the human race to be subjected to this sense of emptiness as a means to draw people unto Himself. God is the only person who can give meaning, purpose, and com­pleteness to life. He did this in the hope that men would understand that He, and only He, is the answer to their needs. This is why Paul had such hope, he knew the God of hope (Rom 15:13).

If you personally know Christ and believe this truth you will also have this hope. You will pos­sess a hope that brings an expectation and assurance that the best is yet to come. This should be the heritage of every believer. Do you believe that the best is yet to come in your life? If you have received Jesus Christ and follow Him, if you are free from sin, you are a joint heir with Christ, and He will come for you one day to redeem you into the glorious liberty of the children of God. This fact certainly proves the best is yet to come.

This hope is what drew us to Christ in the first place. "Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adop­tion, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance " (Rom. 8:23-25). When you groan inside for the Lord to come and take you out of this world and take you home, that just proves the Holy Spirit lives in you and that you are eagerly waiting for the redemption of your body. This cry of your heart is really just the hope that God is real and will come again one day. Hope always deals with things that you can't see, but hope also gives you an ability to persevere and endure until you obtain the things that are still future.

Paul also discussed this endurance of hope with the Thessalonian church. He told them how he continually remembered their "work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope" (\ Thess. 1:3). This -word patience in this passage is the same word in verse 25 for perseverance. This is what hope does in your life. It gives you endurance and perseverance in the midst of your trials. His enduring strength and determination are a natural result of the firstfruits of His Spirit in your life. As you allow Him to control your life, hope becomes an anchor to your soul (Heb. 6:19). You become steadfast and immovable as you allow His hope to govern your heart (1 Cor. 15:58). This is the life God wants His people to have even in the midst of suffering and trials.

Freedom to pray (vs. 26-27)

But, where do you get this hope and how can you receive it? Paul now explains that the Spirit of God leads believers to prayer as the means to have personal contact with the God of Hope. "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God" (Rom. 8:26-27).

Paul acknowledges that as Christians we have weaknesses that require God's help. He also af­firms that we don't always know exactly what we need or know how to pray as we should con­cerning these weaknesses and sometimes we groan and struggle. However, the Father has given us hope and assurance that we are His children and, therefore, the assurance of an open door and freedom to come to Him for help. He also gives us the Holy Spirit to help us in prayer so that we might petition Him according to His will. "And I will pray the Father, and He will give you an­other Helper, that He may abide with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world can­not receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with

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you and will be in you " (John 14:16-17). Be assured, the Spirit is your helper for all the struggles you face in life, but especially for help in prayer. He lives inside you right now and will help you if you will simply ask for His help right now.

If the Lord declares that the Spirit has come to help you, then that means you need help. I hope that you realize how much you need help. This world has more curve balls to throw at you than you could possibly handle by yourself. No matter how long a believer walks with Christ or how much he or she knows the Word, don't ever forget that you need help! The Spirit is ready, will­ing, and able to help you in your weaknesses. The question is, will you seek the Spirit's help in your life?

Think for a moment about how much you need His help in your prayer life. Have you ever prayed for something and then realized a couple months later that you really didn't need what you asked for? Then you pray, "Thank you, Lord, for not giving me that request." Or, have you ever thought, Lord, what does that person need? How should I pray? What do I need? What should I pray for myself? These examples should reveal to you just how much you need His help in your prayer life. Many times your prayers are totally ineffectual because you are praying con­trary to the will of God. What's the solution? You need the leading and inspiration of the Spirit of God to help you pray. Here are two ways God helps you pray.

(1)   Utterance that I can understand. There are times when a person has asked me to pray for
them and I won't know exactly what to pray for. I ask the Lord to open my heart and to inspire
me and many times a thought will instantly come to mind and I will begin to petition. At the end
of my prayer this person will tell me, "That's exactly what I needed and precisely what is going
on in my life. How did you know?" If you will ask the Lord, He will inspire your prayer life so
that you might know how to pray as you ought. In addition, the more you study His Word and
you understand His will and purposes, the easier it is to pray according to His will. God wants
you to "be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding" (Col.
1:9). Then, "if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears
us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him " (1 John
5:14-15). Prayer in this manner will obviously be effective.

(2)   Utterance that I can't understand. Paul also described in this passage "groanings which can­
not be uttered." A groaning is an utterance, but an utterance which is not uttered intelligently or
with your understanding. Think of the times when people have broken down and cried or ex­
pressed a deep need in a prayer meeting. Haven't you ever found yourself sighing or even utter­
ing a groan as you agree with that person in prayer? This word groaning means to sigh. The
Holy Spirit who lives inside you inspired that groan. This is what prayer is all about. Does God
understand your groan? Does He know what you're asking for? Consider this:

The language that you speak is simply sounds and noises that form words that you intellectually understand. When you groan, God hears you and understands the intent of your heart. He alone knows your heart. Solomon acknowledged this truth concerning God. He said, "You alone know the hearts of the sons of men " (2 Chron. 6:30). His Spirit searches your heart and then inspires your spirit to pray according to His will. What an aid that is in your prayer life!

Prayer that is generated by unintelligent groanings is also very similar to what the Scripture teaches about the gift of tongues. Paul said that when he prayed with this gift he said "my spirit prays, but my understanding is unfruitful...I will pray with the spirit, and I will also pray with the understanding. I will sing with the spirit, and I will also sing with the understanding " (1 Cor. 14:14-16). This is the reason why I've listed these two categories of prayer (utterance you don't understand and that you do). Paul prayed and worshipped both ways. Note that Paul makes it clear in this passage that the real person (my spirit) is attempting to communicate with God through prayer. Your spirit can do this silently, verbally with your understanding, and verbally with groanings that can't be intelligently uttered. All forms of prayer are edifying. "But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit" (Jude 20).

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Therefore, pray! Pray without ceasing! Commune with your Father. Allow the Spirit to lead you in prayer and the God of hope will fill your heart and mind with His hope in the midst of your suffering.

The freedom of knowing and believing His sovereignty (vs. 28-30)

To know and believe the sovereignty of God is essential when you are in the midst of suffering. Paul believed that these truths concerning God's overruling authority were critical for all believ­ers to help us enjoy the confidence and victory over the trials and tribulations in life. Paul had experienced an incredible amount of suffering in his own life and, therefore, had seen God's sovereignty working all things out for his benefit. If you are in one of those dark times of suf­fering in your life at this moment, may these words bring you comfort and strength. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He pre­destined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified" (Rom. 8:28-30).

There are three great truths revealed in these verses. When you are in the midst of suffering and trials you must rest your faith on these facts. As you do, you will find strength and stability in your time of need. These three truths reveal God's ultimate goals for your life. These goals will be accomplished if you will simply trust and obey Him.

(1) God is working all things together for good. How can you believe this? Think of the worst thing that could happen to you. What if someone walked up and killed you today? God would take this incredibly evil act and would bring about good. You would get to go directly to heaven (2 Cor. 5:1)! However, if you suffered persecution, God declares that He will also take this evil and turn it around for good by purifying you as gold (1 Peter 1:6-7). Your in­ward man would be renewed every day as you went to God for strength to endure (2 Cor. 4:16).

Note the overruling principle implied in the context of Romans chapter 8. It's the way you handle the evil that occurs to you that is the important thing. Will you turn and pray with hope in your heart? Do you believe God is in sovereign control of all things in your life? Do you trust that God is working all these things out for good? Note that Paul doesn't say that all things are good that enter your life, but that He works all things (even the evil things) for good. When evil comes your way, will you trust God or blame Him? Will you go to Him and be renewed or try and handle it all yourself?

Joseph is one of the best human examples of a man who trusted God even in the midst of in­credible evil and hardship. He was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. The wife of Po-tiphar lied and charged Joseph with rape when he was innocent, sending him to prison. He spent a total of thirteen years in slavery and prison because of the evil done to him. But, God turned all these things around for good in the end. God delivered Joseph from prison and used him to save an entire nation from famine and starvation. When he stood with his broth­ers after 20 years of estrangement he said, "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive " (Gen. 50:20). If Joseph would have blamed God and turned away from Him in the midst of his suffering none of this would have happened. He would have ended his life as a hardened and bitter man in an Egyptian jail. You may not be able to see the plan that God is working at this moment in your life, but He is doing the same thing for you. Don't blame Him, trust Him and let Him work out His plan in your life.

In Philippians Paul also declared that even his going to prison worked for the furtherance of the Gospel. He simply looked at the result — all the people that got saved in Caesar's court (Phil. 1:12-13). Sometimes you can see the benefits of your trials and sufferings and other times you can't. Sometimes it takes years for you to be able to look back and see the good

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that God has brought to pass. But you will never see the beneficial outcome if you become bitter, angry, or resentful towards God. Many Christians allow this sour-heartedness to abide inside, which makes it impossible for them to see through the problems to the good result that God intends to give them. Scripture declares, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning " (James 1:17). David also reminds us, "Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, Who only does wondrous things " (Psalm 72:18)! God is in the business of doing wondrous things. That's His work! He will do it if you believe Him.

The greatest example of God turning evil around for good is the cross of Jesus. The cruci­fixion of the holy and sinless Son of God was the most incredible evil ever done. However, God took that evil and turned it around for the greatest good that could ever happen to man -the salvation of the world! This understanding is what assured Peter and the rest of the disci­ples that God in His foreknowledge had a predetermined counsel and plan that He was ful­filling (Acts 2:23). God wasn't caught off guard by the evil actions of men against His Son. He knew what they would do and worked it out for His purposes so that He might save you and me. Praise God for His wondrous works!

(2) God is working all things together in order to conform you into His image. If you will sur­
render in the midst of these difficult times when you don't understand why you are suffering,
one of the good things God does is to transform you into His image! How does this occur?
Paul explains how this transformation happens a little later in this epistle. "I beseech you
therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice,
holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this
world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that
good and acceptable and perfect will of God" (Rom. 12:1-2).

Surrendering to the Father of mercies is the only way your life gets transformed. As you yield to God and His Holy Spirit you find the power to refuse your worldly and fleshly de­sires. God renews your mind and He leads you directly into His perfect will for your life. I stress the fact of your surrender to the Spirit because He is the primary Person that God uses to work inside of you. "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord" (2 Cor. 3:18). Let Him do it! Ask the Holy Spirit to begin right now in that area where you have been resisting Him.

(3) God is working all things together because He has predestined you for glory. Knowing that
God is in sovereign control of all things in your life brings great comfort because it assures
you that He has a plan and He is working His plan to benefit your life. The benefit is this:
His plan is based on His love for you so that you might one day experience the fullness of
His love in the glory of heaven. "He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that
we should be holy and without blame before Him in love " (Eph. 1:4). God always has the
long range view in mind when He allows anything into our lives. You must rest on this fact.

His predestined plan is also directly connected to His foreknowledge of all things and all people. Peter declared that we are the "elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Fa­ther, in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:2). The word elect means one who is chosen. Therefore, God has chosen you be­cause of His foreknowledge of you, your decisions, and all that you will become. God makes perfect decisions for your life based on His complete foreknowledge of all things. Our deci­sion making must be based upon the fact that if God knows all, then He also knows best. Notice that God's foreknowledge was the basis of James' argument when he settled a con­flict in the early church. He asserted, "Known to God from eternity are all His works " (Acts 15:18). When the apostle John related to us how he reconciled all the confusing events of Christ's betrayal and death, he rested in the fact that "Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him " (John 6:64).

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If you are a Christian, you can be assured that God knows everything about you and knows what He is doing in your life. God's plan will succeed in your life. In His eyes it's already done. When you trust in His sovereign and absolute power you can rest and surrender knowing that He will work His work in your life. Your only alternative is to resist and fight what God desires to do. This would not be wise (Prov. 21:30). Remember, there is an easy way and the hard way to follow the Lord. Which do you want? The Children of Israel chose the hard way. God delivered them from Egypt by His sovereign power and sought to lead them into the Promised Land. This journey should have taken only eleven days. However, because they resisted God through their unbelief and disobedience, it took forty years. Which path will you take, the long way to the Promised Land or the short one? It's your choice!

The freedom and assurance of His love (vs. 31-39)

Paul concludes his thoughts by looking back over all of the truths he has taught in this epistle. He asks some of the most heart-searching questions and then declares his answer. "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For lam per­suaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8:31-39).

How should you respond to all the truths taught in this epistle? This is an excellent question that you should attempt to answer. Paul believed that it was obvious that God is for us. If He gave us all these blessings and did not spare His most precious possession, His Son, how could anyone ever think God was against them? However, that is exactly what some people believe. Even some of the great men of the Bible have questioned God's sovereign plan. When Joseph asked to have Benjamin his younger brother brought to Egypt, Jacob said, "All these things are against me " (Gen. 42:36). Jacob unwisely spoke these words not knowing that God was in the process of bringing the greatest blessing into his life that he could ever imagine. God was actually going to reunite the entire family and save them from starvation.

David was sustained for years in the desert as he ran from King Saul by holding on to the truth that God was for him. David wrote in the Psalms about his confidence during this time of adver­sity. He declared, "When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, because God is for me." How did David know that God was for Him? Because he states that God had given him His word through the prophet Samuel. "In God (I will praise His word), in the LORD (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to we "(Psalm 56:9-11)?

How can you be assured that God is for you? God spared not His own Son but delivered Him up to the cross. He has justified you by His shed blood. He continually intercedes for you right now at the right hand of the Father by this blood that He shed. He is working all things together for your good. He doesn't condemn you when you fail, but counsels you to surrender and yield so that your sinful nature will not continue to dominate you. What additional proof do you need?

Why is the assurance that God is for you so important? Because this confidence encourages you to come and receive the things that are freely yours (Rom. 8:32). God's desire to freely give to you is revealed throughout the Bible. Scripture opens with, "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat" (Gen. 2:16). God declares that He will love us freely (Hos. 14:4). If we will receive His love we can be forgiven and justified freely in His sight (Luke 7:42; Rom. 3:24). Then the

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Bible closes with an open invitation to all. "The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come!' And let him who hears say, 'Come!' And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely" (Rev. 22:17).

If you are struggling today, obey this command. Come and drink of the water of life freely. This is why Jesus died, to give you free access into His grace and power. Come and receive it.

However, you must also realize who is against you and who does bring a continual charge against you. He's the accuser of the brethren (Rev. 12:10). Satan is definitely trying to separate you from God's grace and power. His principal means to do this is to use lies to deceive and condemn (John 8:44). Don't be fooled! These lies, the deception, and condemnation don't come from your heavenly Father. Be confident of His love for you.

What this passage does and does not promise.

There is some misunderstanding concerning exactly what God's Word promises in these last few verses. Therefore, let's consider precisely what this passage does and does not promise. This will allow you to fully partake of God's assurances and not read into His Word something that isn't there.

What this passage does promise.

This passage clearly promises that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of God. His love is the strongest force in all of creation, stronger than any trial or peril in life. Do you have this confidence that nothing can separate you from God's love? Are you absolutely sure that there is nothing that could ever change His love for you? This word separate is the same word used for a divorce between a husband and wife. In other words, God is saying that there is nothing in this world that can divorce you from His love. There is no external force that can snatch you from God's hand (John 10:29). Do you believe this? You should; it's a promise signed in the blood of His Son. Paul gives every possible scenario in verses 38-39 of circum­stances that cause people to question God's love. However, if He is a God who changes not, then His love cannot change towards you either. That is the most incredible and reassuring fact of God's nature and character. No matter what you have done or how far you have fallen or what sin you have committed, His love for you will never change. You may change, but He remains the same (Mai 3:6).

Remember, if there was anything that could have changed the love of God to hate, it would have been when man crucified His Son. As parents, we get very protective and defensive if someone manhandles our children, even if our child has deserved some correction. However, God contin­ued to love mankind even when His sinless Son was mocked, mistreated, and killed by evil men. Even your sin and your rebellion against Him won't change His love toward you. You may not personally experience His love, but that doesn't mean that He has changed His love towards you.

The knowledge of His steadfast love is what enables you to become more than a conqueror and a victor over all the circumstances of life. Everything that life throws at you must be understood in the light of His unwavering and persistent love. This message is the climax to Paul's entire mes­sage in this chapter. You are not only free from God's condemnation, empowered by His Spirit, inspired by hope for the future, can pray according to the will of God, have all things working together for your good, but He also loves you and will never change in His love towards you. This is God's promise forever, no matter how far you fall or what you do. That is the heart of the God we serve!

Consider some of the greatest promises in all of Scripture concerning God's love for His people. These promises will reinforce the truths revealed here in Romans. "For the mountains shall de­part and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has mercy on you " (Is. 54:10). "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you " (Jer. 31:3). "The mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to

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children's children" (Ps. 103:17). "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand" (John 10:27-29).

When you read these passages you must realize that God is obviously for you and has loved you from time everlasting. There is nothing present nor future that can ever snatch you from His loving hand. What a glorious truth!

What this passage does not promise.

There are several things that are not promised within this passage. God does not promise that because He loves you that you will be spared suffering and persecution. On the contrary, right in this text you are told, "we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. " The reason suf­fering and persecution is a certainty is because Scripture also promises that all who live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution (2 Tim. 3:12). However, the assurance of His love is what enables you to be more than conquerors in the midst of these difficulties. Therefore, it is foolish to charge God with not loving you when trials and suffering enter your life.

Second, Paul is not promising that you can't be separated from the blessings of God or a rela­tionship with God. It is quite clear from Scripture that sin can and does separate God's people from the Lord and His blessings. Isaiah declared, "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear " (Is. 59:1-2). However, this in no way means that God's people are separated from His love. God's love hasn't changed; men have changed in their behavior and thus have removed themselves from His grace and blessing.

Note that Scripture does teach that God can and will reject even His own people when they reject Him. "Jeshurun (Means the upright one - a symbolic name for Israel describing her ideal char­acter), grew fat and kicked; filled with food, he became heavy and sleek. He abandoned the God who made him and rejected the Rock his Savior. They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols. They sacrificed to demons, which are not God --gods they had not known, gods that recently appeared, gods your fathers did not fear. You de­serted the Rock, who fathered you; you forgot the God who gave you birth. The LORD saw this and rejected them because he was angered by his sons and daughters. 7 will hide my face from them,' he said, 'and see what their end will be; for they are a perverse generation, children who are unfaithful' " (Deut. 32:15-20 - NIV).

In this passage in Romans, Paul is speaking from God's point of view. From God's side of the equation, His love doesn't change nor should you ever question His love because of any circum­stance in life. Even though God may in anger take the just action of resisting or rejecting a per­son, His love doesn't change. However, be clear on this point: This passage is not discussing the possibility of my rebellion or my refusal to accept His love.

It is also important to contemplate the context of these promises. Context is always the first rule you should consider if you desire to correctly interpret the Bible. Look at the context of Romans 9-11. Paul proceeds to teach that God's people were very definitely separated from God's bless­ings, God's righteousness, and a relationship with Him. Notice Paul's conclusion: "What shall we say then? That Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have attained to righteousness, even the righteousness of faith; but Israel, pursuing the law of righteousness, has not attained to the law of righteousness. Why? Because they did not seek it by faith, but as it were, by the works of the law. For they stumbled at that stumbling stone. As it is written: 'Behold, I lay in Zion a stumbling stone and rock of offense, and whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame'" (Rom. 9:30-33).

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In this passage Paul clearly teaches that the Jews sought by their own effort to obtain a right re­lationship with God and His righteousness. However, they failed to attain it. Why? Was it be­cause God didn't love them or want to bestow His blessings upon them? Not at all! The Jews didn't obtain His righteousness because they failed to come to God on the basis of faith. They didn't believe in the reality that God's love would truly give them the gift of righteousness. They believed they had to achieve it by their own effort. Therefore, God refused to grant His grace on the basis of works and turned away the very people He had chosen and redeemed. They were separated from His blessings and righteousness, not because of His lack of love, but because of their unwillingness to come to Him by faith through His grace.

Paul continues to explain in Romans 10:3, that because the Jews refused to submit themselves unto the righteousness of God they failed to benefit from His incredible blessings. Paul again makes the point that this missed opportunity was not because of God's lack of care because he quotes another Old Testament passage that reveals the heart of God. "All day long I have stretched out My hands to a disobedient and contrary people " (Rom. 10:21). Here, Paul reaf­firms the basic truth that God's love causes His arm to be outstretched all the day long to His disobedient and rebellious people. In other words, God's love for them was not what was miss­ing, it was the people's willful separation from Him. From God's side of the equation, there was an outstretched hand. However, the people were separated from what was in His hand because of their pride and rebellious heart.

Finally, you must always consider the balance of Scripture on such a sensitive and important topic such as God's sovereignty and unfailing love and your human responsibility. Jude de­clared, "keep yourselves in the love of God" (Jude 1:21). Keeping yourself in the love of God is every Christian's responsibility. However, Jude turns right around and directs your attention to the One who enables you to do this. "Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy " (Jude 1:24). What a balanced presentation of this truth! Why does he tell us to keep ourselves in the love of God? Because His love never changes towards us, but we must keep ourselves in a place where we can receive it. How do you do that? Note also how Jesus balances this truth. He said, "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love" (John 15:10). Jesus couldn't have made it simpler than that. In other words, just trust and obey Me and we will stay in a love relationship with one another.

Your obedience to His commands is what keeps you unspotted and separated from the world and its corruption (James 1:27). Paul also explained that this separation was essential if we wanted a relationship with the Father. "Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty" (2 Cor. 6:17-18). Therefore, if you never want to be separated from God's unfailing love then be separate from all that would draw you away from abiding in His love.

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MARITAL COUNSELING INTAKE FORM Personal History/Problem Evaluation

Identification Data

Name:

Phone:

Date:

Address:

Occupation:, Gender:

Date of Birth:

Business Phone:_
________ Age:_

Education: Last Grade Completed (prior to college)_

Other Education: (List type and years)_________

Referred Here By:___________________ Address:_

| Occupation:, |

Name Of Spouse:, Phone:

Marriage and Family Information

Address:

Business Phone:

Spouse's Age:_

Education (in years)_

Religion:,

If your spouse is not with you now, would he or she be willing to come in for counseling?
Yes          No          Uncertain

| No |

Have you ever been separated? Yes

Are you separated now? Yes___ No

If yes, how many times?

How long have you been married?

How long did you know spouse before marriage?______________________

Length of steady dating w/spouse?______ How long was your engagement?

Give brief information about any previous marriages: Husband:

*Check this column if child is by previous marriage

5-1

Religious Background

Church currently attending?.

Church Address:_________

Pastor's Name:

Pastor's Phone

May we contact your pastor for information and help?    Yes_ No____ Maybe

Church attendance per month: (Circle one) 0 1 2345678910+
Church attended in childhood:       ___________________________________

Have you been baptized?  Yes

No

When:

If married, religious background of spouse:___________

Spouse's church attendance: Church:________________

Do you believe in God?  Yes___ No____ Uncertain____

Do you consider yourself to be born again?  Yes__ No _

Do you pray to God?   Never___ Occasionally____ Often

Frequency

Uncertain

Do you read the Bible?   Never

Occasionally

Often

Do you have family devotions?  Never___ Occasionally

Regularly

Do you know for certain that if you died tonight you would go to Heaven? Yes         No

What is the basis for answering the above question as you did?______________

Have you received Jesus Christ personally as you Savior?

Yes_____ No______ Don't know what you mean

How do you know that Jesus Christ is your Savior?_

If you have received Christ as Savior, what changes took place in your life when you became saved?

5-2

Personality Information

Have you had any psychotherapy or other counseling before?

Yes

No

Counselor/Therapist Names

Dates To/From

Medication Prescribed

Outcome and Diagnosis

Circle any of the following words that you believe best describe you:

Active

Ambitious

Self-confident

Persistent

Nervous

Hardworking

Impatient

Impulsive

Moody

Often-blue

Excitable

Imaginative

Calm

Serious

Easy-going

Shy

Good natured

Introvert

Extrovert

Likable

Quiet

Leader

Thick-skinned

Submissive

Sensitive

Self-conscious

Lonely

Other

Health Information

Rate your health:   Very Good__ Good____ Average___ Declining___ Other

Your approximate weight:____ Ibs.   Recent weight changes____________

List all important present or past illnesses, injuries or handicaps:.

Do any of the above illnesses or handicaps limit you in any way? Yes Please describe

No

Date of last medical examination:.
Your Physician:_____________

Results

Address

| How muchDosage__ No |

Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Yes_ No____ When

Are you presently taking medication? Yes_ No____ What____

Have you used drugs for other than medical purposes? Yes_

When_________ What_______________________ Amount/Dosages

Have you ever had a severe emotional upset?     No_ Yes____ When

If yes, please describe briefly:_______________________________

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Please check any of the following general problem areas in your marriage.

fj Not resolving conflicts        Q Lack of communication      [] Struggling in your Christian

walk

Q Conflicts over decision        [] Credit or debt problems      [] Selfishness making

[] Interferance from in-laws    Q Unrealistic expectations     [] Possessiveness or jealousy

[] Drug or alcohol abuse        [] Pornography or gambling   [] Sexual frustration

abuse

Q Depression                        [] Unforgiveness                    Q Anger

rj Adultery                          fj Lack of involvement or       [] Overcommitment outside the

discipline problems with         home; job, sports, etc.. the children

Please specify in the order of severity the specific problems that you are having in your marriage.

1.__________________________________________________________________

2.__________________________________________________________________

3.__________________________________________________________________

4.___________________________________________________________________

5.__________________________________________________________________

6.__________________________________________________________________

7.__________________________________________________________________

8.

What have you done to try to resolve these problems?

Have you ever had marriage counseling for these problems? If yes, please explain
when, where, and how often you were counseled.________________________

Are you going to any other counselor right now? If yes, please give their name and how
often you see them.____________________________________________________

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Basic Problem Identification (Briefly answer the following questions)

Is there one problem which has motivated you to make this appointment today?

What are you expecting to receive from this counseling?

Is there any other information that you think we should know?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your marriage? (Ten meaning that you are very satisfied with your relationship)

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Consent to Counseling

Our Goal - Our goal in providing Christian counseling is to help you meet the challenges of life in a way that will please and honor the Lord Jesus Christ and allow you to fully enjoy His love and plans for your life.

Biblical Basis - We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, our counseling is based on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. Neither the pastoral nor the lay counselors of this church are trained or licensed as psychotherapists or mental health professionals.

Confidentiality - Confidentiality is an important aspect of the counseling process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. However, there are five situations when it may be necessary for us to share certain information with others: when a counselor is uncertain of how to address a particular problem and needs to seek advice from another pastor or elder in this church; when a counselee attends another church and it is necessary to talk with his or her pastor or elders; when there is a clear indication that someone may be harmed unless others intervene; when a person persistently refuses to renounce a particular sin and it becomes necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to encourage repentance and reconciliation; or when a crime has been committed (see Proverbs 15:22; Proverbs 24:11; Matthew 18:15-20; Deut. 13:6-8). Please be assured that our counselors strongly prefer not to disclose personal information to others, and they will make every effort to help you find ways to resolve a problem as privately as possible.

Resolution of Conflicts - On rare occasions a conflict may develop between a counselor and a counselee. In order to make sure that any such conflicts will be resolved in a biblical and faithful manner, we require all of our counselees to agree that any dispute that arises with a counselor or with this church as a result of counseling will be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration.

Having clarified the principles and policies of our counseling ministry, we welcome the opportunity to minister to you in the name of Christ and to be used by Him as He helps you to grow in spiritual maturity and prepares you for usefulness in His body. If you have any questions about these guidelines, please talk with a pastor or elder before your counseling appointment. If these guidelines are acceptable to you, please sign below.

Signed

Date

5-6

PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING INTAKE FORM

Personal History

Identification Data

Name:

Phone:

Date:

Address:

Occupation:_ Gender:

Date of Birth:

Business Phone:.
_ Age:________

Are you still living at home? Yes

No

If not, do you live by yourself? Yes

No

If you have roommates, how many do you have?

If you have roommates, describe how you get along with them

Education : Last grade completed (Prior to College)_

Other education: (List type and years)___________

Referred here by:__________________ Address: _

Premarital Data

How long have you known each other?

How long have you seriously dated each other?_

Since you have been seriously dating, have you ever broken off your relationship?
Yes____ No_____ If yes, how many times and why?_______________________

Are you officially engaged? Yes____ No

Do your parents approve? Yes____ No _

If no, why?_

Are you currently living with the person you are going to marry?
Do you feel it is improper to engage in sex before marriage?__

5-7

Approximate date of wedding

Give the name of the pastor you desire to perform ceremony

Are your parents still married? Yes____ No_____

If not, how long have they been divorced?_____________

Prior Marriages

Have you been married before? Yes____ No_____ How many times?

How long were you married?_________

Is your divorce final? Yes___ No_____ How long?_______________

What was the cause of the divorce?

Do you have children? Yes
If yes, give ages_______

No

Religious Background

Church Currently Attending? Church Address:

Pastor's Name:

Pastor's Phone:

May we contact your pastor for information and help?        Yes_ No____ Maybe,

Church attendance per month:   (Circle one) 01   2345678910+ Church attended in childhood:

| When: Yes |

Have you been baptized?    Yes

Do you consider yourself to be born again?

Do you believe in God?               Yes____ No______________       

Do you pray to God?                    Never____ Occasionally____ Often

Do you read the Bible?                 Never____ Occasionally____ Often

Do you have personal devotions?   Never Do you have family devotions?       Never

5-8

Have you come to the place in your spiritual life where you can say that you know for
certain that if you died tonight you would go to heaven?         Yes_____ No_____

What is the basis for answering the above question as you did?

Have you received Jesus Christ personally as your Savior?

Yes_____ No_____ Don't know what you mean_

How do you know that Jesus Christ is your Savior?______________________

If you have received Christ as Savior, what changes took place in your life when you became saved?

Personality Information

Have you had any psychotherapy or counseling before? Yes____ No

Counselor/Therapist               Dates

Names                     To/From

Medication Prescribed

Outcome and Diagnosis

Circle any of the following words that you believe best describe you:

Active

Ambitious

Self-confident

Persistent

Nervous

Hardworking

Impatient

Impulsive

Moody

Often-blue

Excitable

Imaginative

Calm

Serious

Easy-going

Shy

Good natured

Introvert

Extrovert

Likable

Quiet

Leader

Thick-skinned

Submissive

Sensitive

Self-conscious

Lonely

Other

5-9

Consent to Counseling

Our Goal - Our goal in providing Christian counseling is to help you meet the challenges of life in a way that will please and honor the Lord Jesus Christ and allow you to fully enjoy His love and plans for your life.

Biblical Basis - We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, our counseling is based on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. Neither the pastoral nor the lay counselors of this church are trained or licensed as psychotherapists or mental health professionals.

Confidentiality - Confidentiality is an important aspect of the counseling process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. However, there are five situations when it may be necessary for us to share certain information with others: when a counselor is uncertain of how to address a particular problem and needs to seek advice from another pastor or elder in this church; when a counselee attends another church and it is necessary to talk with his or her pastor or elders; when there is a clear indication that someone may be harmed unless others intervene; when a person persistently refuses to renounce a particular sin and it becomes necessary to seek the assistance of others in the church to encourage repentance and reconciliation; or when a crime has been committed (see Proverbs 15:22; Proverbs 24:11; Matthew 18:15-20; Deut. 13:6-8). Please be assured that our counselors strongly prefer not to disclose personal information to others, and they will make every effort to help you find ways to resolve a problem as privately as possible.

Resolution of Conflicts - On rare occasions a conflict may develop between a counselor and a counselee. In order to make sure that any such conflicts will be resolved in a biblical and faithful manner, we require all of our counselees to agree that any dispute that arises with a counselor or with this church as a result of counseling will be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration.

Having clarified the principles and policies of our counseling ministry, we welcome the opportunity to minister to you in the name of Christ and to be used by Him as He helps you to grow in spiritual maturity and prepares you for usefulness in His body. If you have any questions about these guidelines, please talk with a pastor or elder before your counseling appointment. If these guidelines are acceptable to you, please sign below.

Signed

Date

5-10