The Thorny Part of Friendship
Thank you _________________. I want everyone to understand this: My father was a good man. He worked two, or sometimes three jobs all the time I was growing up. He did that to pay the bills and keep food on the table. I remember my dad as generous. I can’t remember a time when I really needed something that he didn’t give it to me. By his lights, he did what he thought was right, and he coped with my mother’s death back in 1971 the only way he knew how. After my mother died, my dad crawled into a bottle and pretty much stayed drunk for the next 10 years.
Dad had a philosophy of parenting that went like this: Mom’s job was to love us, dad’s job was to keep us in line. Unfortunately, when mom died, dad had to try and do both, and he didn’t do that very well. Actually he was a lot better at swatting us than loving us.
It was after my mother died, and I had been about a year out of high school, that my dad and my younger brother Kevin got into it. I tried to get in the middle and stop it, and my dad whacked me good. There were some words exchanged, and the next morning, at the young age of 19, I packed everything I owned into a laundry basket, threw it into the back seat of my ‘66 Corvair, and I moved out.
It was about a year an a half later, that Jesus Christ moved in, and He became the Lord of my life. He changed everything. By God’s good grace, He put me into an office with a Christian guy named Charlie. And it wasn’t long before we started trading stories, and when Charlie heard mine, he started immediately encouraging me to reconcile with my dad.
You know I resisted that for a while, but I really knew Charlie was right. If Jesus had forgiven me, I needed to forgive others, starting with my dad. I also needed to own what I’d done wrong, not respecting my dad’s authority and not appreciating everything he had done for me, even after mom died.
So one evening I drove to my dad’s bar down on Route 1 in Alexandria – it’s the place he bought after mom died – and I asked his forgiveness, and I asked him if I could come home. And of course he said yes, there was never any doubt about that. But it wasn’t about moving into my dad’s house. It was about trying to move into his heart.
Now that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have a spiritual friend like Charlie – someone who could see things from God’s point of view, and help me decide to do the things that are hard to do: to ask forgiveness; to give forgiveness; to make reconciliation more than something I talk about, but to make it a practice of the way I live with people. Because if my faith doesn't work in one-on-one relationships, then it really doesn't work at all. After all, how can I say that I have this great big faith, that believes that God could raise a man from the dead, when it is not even strong enough to help me say “I’m sorry” when I step on your toes?
Let’s look at the perfect case study of faith in ordinary practice – in the one-on-one. It’s Paul’s letter to Philemon – a beautiful little letter from Paul who is under house arrest in Rome, but still doing the work of an apostle and in this case, a spiritual friend. What we’re going to see is someone like my friend Charlie – that’s the apostle Paul - helping two Christian brothers to do what is right in the push and pull of life.
Let me set the scene for you. While in Rome, Paul is met by a slave named Onesimus, who apparently came looking for him. Onesimus, which means “useful” in Greek, has apparently become “useless” by running away from Philemon, his master back Colosse, a city in Asia Minor – the modern day country of Turkey. In this letter Paul will make an appeal to Philemon, asking him to accept Onesimus, now a Christian, and coming home to reconcile. Paul wants Philemon to forgive Onesimus, and regard him no longer as a slave, but a Christian brother.
At least, that’s the way I piece it together. Honestly, we don't know how or why Onesimus ends up with Paul. I believe, as do many scholars, that viewing Onesimus as a runaway slave fits the very careful and even veiled language we’re going to see as we read the letter. But however Onesimus got to Paul, one thing is clear: Jesus got to Onesimus, that changed everything, and now Paul is encouraging both of them both to put their faith into practice. HHH ere we see Paul, negotiating through the thorny part of friendships. We also see Onesimus, the offending party, who is responding in obedience and faith. After all, he is carrying this letter back to his former master. This letter seals either his condemnation, or his forgiveness. Finally, we see how Paul casts a positive picture in Philemon’s mind of himself, doing what he ought to do. This little letter gives a great snapshot of how Christianity is really supposed to work – encouraging, requesting and giving forgiveness in the thorny part of relationships.
So let’s read Philemon 1-3: 1 Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus, and Timothy our brother, To Philemon our beloved brother and fellow worker, 2and to Apphia our sister, and to Archippus our fellow soldier, and to the church in your house: 3Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Now, as we read through this letter, we will see that Paul is talking about some very personal stuff – but he writes it to a whole crowd of people! Most scholars believe that Philemon is the host of a church in his house, perhaps even the Colossian church. Apphia is thought to be Philemon's wife, and Archippus their son, maybe even the pastor of the church. So the letter is addressed to Philemon… and everyone else. It is like sending a email asking for some really hard things, and cc-ing the whole company! Now, you and I might do that as a “power play” to force our point, but I think Paul has purer motives… and I’ll get to that later.
*Verse 4: I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers, 5because I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints; 6and I pray that the fellowship of your faith may become effective through the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ’s sake.
Notice in verses 5 and 6 - our faith is toward the Lord Jesus, and this results in a practical love toward all the saints. It’s not that we have faith in each other, as the New American Standard seems to say – that’s a very literal translation, or that our faith produces evangelism, as the NIV puts it, which is a translation that is semantically correct – koinonia does mean sharing, but I thing that is contextually off target. What Paul is praying is this: That Philemon would activate his faith and do what he knows he ought to do. If he does, it will demonstrate to others that the fellowship they have in Christ is a whole lot more than the word they use to describe their meetings together. Fellowship is a bond of faith, and expressed in love that gets worked out in the mundane, normal relationships of life – and the conflicts that go with them. It works through disagreements and things that split us up. It is a faith takes the hard steps of reconciling broken relationships. That's why I said, "if our faith doesn't work in the one on one relationships, then it just doesn't work. Period."
Look at verse 7: 7For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. When our faith is active and effects real change in our lives, then look what it does: it refreshes people. It is never a drain on them, it renews them and encourages them to stick through tough and the hard times. That's what Philemon had done for Paul. Imagine Paul, stuck in prison, but encouraged that all his suffering is worth it, if it produces believers like Philemon. How many moms and dads in this room have toughed out through those teen years, and seen at the end that all your hard work, that it was worth it. When you see your kids putting into practice what you taught them, well isn’t your soul refreshed?
Now let’s move on to verses 8-16: 8Therefore, though I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do what is proper, 9yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you—since I am such a person as Paul, the aged, and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus— 10I appeal to you for my child Onesimus, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment, 11who formerly was useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me. 12I have sent him back to you in person, that is, sending my very heart, 13whom I wished to keep with me, so that on your behalf he might minister to me in my imprisonment for the gospel; 14but without your consent I did not want to do anything, so that your goodness would not be, in effect, by compulsion but of your own free will. 15For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back forever, 16no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.
Now Paul is getting to the thorny part of why he wrote this letter, and he is a master of tact and care in choosing his words. Perhaps because, if this letter fell into the wrong hands, he didn't want Onesimus arrested, but also because Paul is going out of his way not to exert the authority of an apostle - notice he never calls himself an apostle in this letter. He doesn’t want to compel maturity, he wants Philemon to choose it. And so Paul makes an appeal, asking in effect for Philemon forgive and restore Onesimus, and he asks based on three things.
The first is because of their friendship. As I said, Paul does not ask based on his authority as an apostle, but on the authority of a spiritual friend. He is a friend because he simply loves Philemon. He has authority because he is applying the Word of God in the situations of life. He sees above the “who did what to whom,” and applies the truth of God’s perspective to help Onesimus and Philemon get through a difficult situation.
You see that friendship even when he uses a term like "confidence" in verse 8. That word has the idea of frankness - open speech between two friends. Paul could speak frankly and say, "You know, as an apostle I could order you to do this, but you and I go deeper than that. Let me tell you as a friend what I really think you should do."
Paul also asks based on the mutual cost of discipleship. Now, for a long time I thought of verse 9 as taking the Jewish mother approach, spreading a little guilt in with the request: “I’m Paul, the old guy, and here I am in prison….” But now I’m not so sure that’s what Paul had in mind. It is probably better for us to see Paul as giving Philemon a reminder that an active faith is a costly faith. Paul has done it, he’d rather keep Onesimus with him, as he says in verses 12-14 – but the cause of Christ demands that we act in the Lord’s interest, not our own. And the Lord requires that we live in harmony and unity as the basis for any other good works we do. The cause of Christ is not about us. It is about the Lord, making Him known by showing an unbelieving world the difference Jesus Christ makes in the most basic part of our lives – how we treat one another.
So Paul asks based on friendship. He asks, based on the shared cost of discipleship, and then back verses 10-11, we see that he asks based on power of the gospel in Onesimus' life. Onesimus was "useless," but all that is changed now. He’s now a Christian brother. He is valued by God. He is valued by Paul. And now Paul is asking that he be valued by Philemon as well because he has been re-created in Christ. And here, in verses 15 – 16, we see the perspective of a spiritual friend. Paul sees things from God’s point of view, and shares that with Philemon. “Maybe, maybe… in God’s sovereignty, all this happened so that Onesimus could come to Christ, and then come back to you as more than a slave. Maybe God wanted it to happen so that Onesimus would come back to you as a brother in Christ.”
I find it interesting that, in Paul's letter to the Colossians, written at the same time and perhaps even to Philemon’s church, he reminds them that they have been re-created in the image of Christ, he says in Colossians 3:11 that it is 11 a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. Later, in Colossians 4:1, Paul speaks directly to slave owners: 1Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven. So Paul, as a wise spiritual friend, makes his appeal on many levels, to encourage his friend Philemon to do what is right.
Let’s move on to the last part of Philemon, verses 17-25: If then you regard me a partner, accept him as you would me. 18But if he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account; 19 I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand, I will repay it (not to mention to you that you owe to me even your own self as well). 20Yes, brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. 21Having confidence in your obedience, I write to you, since I know that you will do even more than what I say. 22At the same time also prepare me a lodging, for I hope that through your prayers I will be given to you. 23Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, greets you, 24as do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, Luke, my fellow workers. 25The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
In verse 17, Paul is at his most direct in this letter: accept him as you would me. And to remove any impediments to restoration, Paul offers to assume any debt or wrong, on behalf of Onesimus. Verse 19 is a written "I O U," but with a little stinger – “don't ever forget, you owe me!” Based on the warmth in the rest of the letter, I think Paul says that in good humor. You can sense a smile as he says in verse 20, “Be true to your refreshing character. Refresh me.” And characteristic of Paul, he expects obedience – not to himself but to the Lord. You know, we are never the object of someone else's obedience. Obedience is to the Lord, expressed through the authority structures – like parents or supervisors… my dad – that God puts in place over us. And I think this is a characteristic of all of Paul's letters. He always writes as though he expects people to obey the Lord, and do it right now. Paul had high expectations of what the Holy Spirit could do in the life of a person. I wonder sometimes, whether or not we share that same level of confidence in God. :15 While I recognize that sin is hard to overcome, I also know that there is nothing in the world that keeps me from obeying God right now.
There are four parties in Philemon, and at any time, we will find ourselves being one of them.
The first party is Paul, the "spiritual friend." He is the guy who can see a situation from God's point of view... and tell us the truth. We all need spiritual friends in our lives. We need people who can tell us the positive truth about ourselves, that God loves us, that he wants what is best for us, and that we can overcome the sinful ruts we sometimes find ourselves in. Sometimes our spiritual friends speak negative truth, confronting us we can't see our own stubbornness clearly, and admonishing to do what is right and get on with things. And it’s risky, isn’t it? People may not respond the way we expect. Paul risks losing Philemon as a friend, or Onesimus may turn and run again. Being a spiritual friend is a thorny business.
If you have the insight, the courage, and trust me, you need the skill - maybe you are a spiritual friend – you play the role of Paul. You can step between two folks, and negotiate restoration between them. You have the courage to ask each of them to bear the cost of discipleship and do what is hard. You are willing to work in the stuff of friendships, with all it’s thorns. Is that you? God bless you if you are! If you are not, but think you should be, maybe we can help you. Next Spring, Dr. Jack Merenda is going to offer a short course through the IBI on what it takes to be a spiritual friend. This is ideal if you are an ABF president, small group leader, really any kind of group leader. Learn what it takes to be a spiritual friend – because we all need one.
Sometimes we are Onesimus. I know I have played the role plenty of times. I have a habit of interrupting, not thinking of the other guy, being a grumpy old daddy, talking too much, listening too little, and loving too late. How about you? Are you like me? Are you Onesimus? We are all "useful" people who stumble all the time and negate that usefulness. Too often we just coast along in our own self-centered, self-satisfied ways, and roll right over top of people – usually those closest to us. Every one of us needs to develop the habit of asking forgiveness, because like James says, “we all stumble in many ways,” and it usually has to do with the way we speak to one another. Have there ever been seasons in your life where you knew you had wronged someone, but just didn't want to admit it and reconcile? Is that you right now? A long time ago I learned that in any disagreement both parties bear some of the blame. Even if your part is only 10%, would you at least own that? Here’s a fact: this little sentence, “I was wrong,” doesn’t trip so off of our tongues very easily, does it? And the longer it stays down in there, the harder it is for it to come out. So I suggest, practice it every day! And as my old piano teacher used to say, “perfect practice makes perfect!” Make sure that you don’t have any “but’s” in the middle. Not "I was wrong, but you were wrong too." Throw some risk in there. Exercise your faith. Make it, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”, and leave it at that. That’s powerful faith in action, because you don’t control the outcome.
Of course there is Philemon, and I’ve been him too. Wounded, hurt, taken advantage of. All you want to do is sit around and sulk. And until you forgive, reconciliation seems like a lose-lose proposition. You’ll think, “It cost me to be hurt, and it’s going to cost me to be forgiving. It’s just not fair.” Whoever said Christianity was fair? If it was fair, I’d hate to think what God would do with you and me.
Two weeks ago, when Michael Connor, Bob Poliquin, and I were in Turkey, I shared Colossians 3:12-13 with the Christian Iranian refugees: 12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
Now, I have never been arrested or beaten for being a Christian, disowned by my family, or fired from a job because I have faith in Christ, but some of those folks had. One fellow, named Peter, confessed with tears during the middle of the week, that he could not forgive those who had beaten him when he was in Iran. He just couldn't do it. My response was to recall the love of Christ, how He was also beaten, and yet forgave. We prayed for Peter, and some of the Christian brothers came alongside him throughout the week. Then on Saturday, as we were dropping off several of the refugees at the bus stop, Peter hugged Michael and kissed him on the cheek. He said, “I couldn’t sleep last night, and I finally decided to forgive those people who had beaten me.” I’ll tell you what, when I found that out, it made the whole trip to Turkey worth it for me. Talk about having your heart “refreshed in Christ!” There is nothing that refreshes the body of Christ like seeing forgiveness in action.
Which leads to this last party, which is really all the folks around who are watching. Sometimes it’s a family. Sometimes it is the church. But whoever it is, it’s painful to watch. I think that is why Paul writes this letter to the church as well as Philemon, because they are affected by whatever choice Philemon will make. If Onesimus comes back, and lives in unforgiveness, then the church will suffer for it. It will tell the world that a Christian's faith doesn't accomplish a whole lot, and I think that’s a black eye for the cause of Christ. You know, we like to think that we can have our own private disputes, our little disagreements, and it is a private thing, between them and me. But that’s rarely the case, and I doubt if there is anyone in this room who has not felt the pain of being in the middle of someone else’s private war. Maybe God has called you to step in the middle, and be a spiritual friend. If you have wronged, I know God is calling you right now to seek forgiveness. And if you have been wronged, you must forgive. The consequences to the body of Christ are too great to hold a grudge. That is a victory that we can not allow Satan to gain.
In 1980, we all noticed that my dad, who was a great big man, was wasting away to skin and bones. That's when we found out that he had colon cancer. He went through several operations, radiation, and chemotherapy, but none of it did any good. He was dying. Lisa and I used to go over there every Monday night. Sometimes we would watch Monday night football together. Sometimes we would talk. Sometimes we would just watch him sit in his chair and deal with the pain. But I was there. When he was at Bethesda Naval Hospital, we would drive from PG County, where we were living at the time, down to Alexandria and pick up his second wife. Then we drove her up to the Bethesda, then back, and then home, and did that every day for weeks on end. That wasn’t easy, but I was there. Finally, on December 7, 1981, my father died. He died, and I had no regrets, because I was there. Thanks to the encouragement of a good friend, a spiritual friend, I had reconciled with my father several years before, and that last year, the year before he died, was my single best year with my father – because I was there.
Let’s pray.