Forgive, but don't be a mug

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Richard Apperley

St Michael and All Angels

Sermon • Submitted 7 months ago • Presented 7 months ago • 22:36

Matthew 18:21–35

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This week we come to the end of our three part exploration of Matthew 18, looking at how we live together as a community of faith. In the first week I talked about how God views the way we treat each other, and the importance of dealing with our own sins and character flaws not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those around us. Last week Bruce did a fabulous job working through Jesus’ three-step plan of what to do when things go wrong between us. Today I get to look at forgiveness - and it’s no small task! Jesus’ teachings about forgiveness are ones that have, time and time again, been misunderstood, misapplied, and even abused. More often than you’d think.

Hand up if you’re an expert at forgiving others. Yeah, thought so. I’m not either.

But the ability to forgive others is one of the defining features of those who follow Jesus. I heard someone say recently that forgiveness should be as common as air in the kingdom of heaven. We breathe forgiveness in, we breathe it out.

The Matthew passage I’ve just read is probably the most important and practical of Jesus’ teachings on forgiveness. But it’s by no means the only one - the first one you probably think of is in the Lord’s prayer: forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. The Lord’s Prayer is to be our framework for prayer. Daily we should be praying for forgiveness - and the strength to forgive others.

In Matthew’s version there are a couple of verses that come after the prayer that cut deeply:

Matthew 6:14–15 (NET 2nd ed.)

“For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins.

And this is exactly what we see in the parable of the unforgiving servant. I’m not going to unpack much of this parable today as I want to focus on the whole concept of forgiveness, but for a moment let yourself feel, hear, and see the heartbeat of God - the heartbeat of forgiveness.

In this passage Jesus doesn’t directly tell us what forgiveness means, or how to do it. But Jesus is a pretty clever guy, and points us to it without actually saying it.

7/77

I LOVE the opening of this passage. Mainly because Peter is my favourite of the disciples, because I see so much of myself in him. I can imagine him feeling pretty proud of how generous he’s being - how many times should I forgive my brother? 7?! Common practice was 3 times - a 3 times and you’re out policy if you will. So Peter is REALLY going to town here. Seven times! But this is one of those times in scripture when you can hear Jesus’ eyes roll. No Peter, not 7 - 77! Essentially he is saying there is no limit to how many times you should forgive your brother. Eternal. Never ending. So why did he say 77? Well, there is a reason - but first a bible geek question for you.

In scripture the numbers 7 and 77 only appear together twice. One of them is in this passage - does anyone know where the other is?

In Genesis 4 we meet two brothers, Cain and Abel. Cain was jealous of his brother, and in response to his jealousy he murders his brother in the field. In response God banishes him from the land,

Genesis 4:15 (NET 2nd ed.)

But the Lord said to him, “All right then, if anyone kills Cain, Cain will be avenged seven times as much.” Then the Lord put a special mark on Cain so that no one who found him would strike him down.

Cain goes on to found a city, Enoch, and five generations later it’s a place you wouldn’t want to live in. A bit later in Genesis 4 we meet Lamech. Lamech is one of Cain’s descendants, and he’s a lovely man. We meet him just after he has killed a young man who tried to pick a fight with him. He goes back to his wives and says:

Genesis 4:23–24 (NET 2nd ed.)

Lamech said to his wives,

“Adah and Zillah, listen to me!

You wives of Lamech, hear my words!

I have killed a man for wounding me,

a young man for hurting me.

If Cain is to be avenged seven times as much,

then Lamech seventy-seven times!”

I’ve never been in a fight, but I do know that we don’t even have to command our body to respond. It’s fight or flight. It’s wired in to us. Our nature if someone wrongs us is to get them back. You wrong me, I’ll wrong you back. That’s Lamech.

When a friend hurts you, it’s human nature to want to get them back. When someone cuts in front of you on the motorway, it’s all to easy to want to drive as closely behind them as possible, honk your horn, and pull obscene gestures so they know what they’ve done. Of course, I’d never do that. Or when you spouse says something that hurts you, so often you want to respond with something equally painful - to make them hurt in the way you’re hurting. Again, of course, I’ve never done this.

Forgiveness is the complete opposite of this. It’s doing something that is counter to our nature.

This is the upside down kingdom of God. Jesus tells us the kingdom of God is a completely different deal. Forgiveness is the sign of a new and different kind of community. Lamech is all about unbrindled revenge. Jesus followers are to have unbrindled forgiveness.

But what is forgiveness? As I said before, this is a teaching and concept that have been painfully misunderstood, misapplied, and abused over the centuries. So let’s look first at what forgiveness isn’t.

What forgiveness is not

1) Forgiveness is not lying down and keeping taking it.

It’s not forgive and forget. It’s not lying down to be someone’s doormat. It’s not tolerating the situation and allowing further wrongdoing or abuse.

This is one of the most common ways this teaching is abused. If it’s an unsafe situation, do you think Jesus would envision you being alone with them again? NO.

When we read forgive 77 times it’s somehow easy to flip to the other side and think we’re just supposed to take it and suffer in silence. But this does not align at all with the passage Bruce unpacked last week. Let’s see if you were paying attention!

What was the first step in the three step plan if someone sins against you?

1) Go and talk to them about it. (and we added to that IF IT’S SAFE TO DO SO). If that doesn’t work?

2) Take someone else! And then?

3) Treat them like a gentile or tax collector - that is cut them off from the community until they have time to process and draw back to Christ.

So it’s pretty clear that Jesus wants the power to be in the hands of the hurt - we don’t lie down and allow it to continue happening - we face the issue. Jesus does not want us to suffer in silence.

Dave summarised this beautifully when we were talking about it at vestry the other night when I said how much I dislike the phrase ‘forgive and forget’ Dave’s paraphrase was “forgive, but don’t be a mug.”

This becomes particularly difficult in cases of abuse.

Three step programme is designed to create boundaries between you and the offending person. With any form of abuse - Jesus does call you to forgive the person that wronged you, but your first priority is NOT to forgive them, but to get safe. To talk to someone else and to get yourself in a position where there is distance so you can find balance and only then move to a place of forgiveness.

We don’t suffer in silence for Jesus.

Jesus is not asking you to to stay in an abusive situation.

If you are in one of these situations and don’t feel there is anyone you can talk to, then come and see me or Rebecca, or call the Dio safeguarding team - contact details are in the bathrooms and around the church buildings, or on our website.

2) Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Reconciliation is where you come back to a place wholeness with your relationship. Where the offender admits what they’ve done, apologises, and takes active steps to make things right and safe again. Reconciliation requirers the offender to do something. Reconciliation takes two. Forgiveness takes one - you can forgive without even seeing or speaking to that person again.

What forgiveness is

So, what is forgiveness then? Have a read of the end of parable:

Matthew 18:35 (NRSV)

So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Where does Jesus say forgiveness comes from?

The heart.

Next question - any guesses how many times in the bible the word ‘heart’ is used? 492 times in most editions.

When you think of the word heart, what words come to mind?

Follow up - how many times does the word ‘brain’ appear? None.

When you read of someone changing their mind, it’s nearly always followed by talking about heart. There was no real concept of the brain controlling thoughts and decisions. In the bible your heart is about choice and feeling - it’s the centre of emotions and will.

So when we are hurt, Jesus calls us to employ our minds - and make a decision. Are we going to respond like little Lamach’s and seek revenge? Or are we going to embrace the upside down values of the kingdom and change our thought process.

When you can, and it may take a while depending on what has happened, stop and think.

Was the way we were treated wrong - a selfish and sinful thing to do? Yes. When we’re hurt we have to stop and resist our natural response. Don’t let the issue become more than it is. They lied to me, therefore they are a malicious lier in everything they do. They were selfish, so therefore they are always selfish. They sinned, therefore they’re aren’t worthy of redemption. You know what though? All of us have lied. All of us have been selfish. All of us are sinners. But we don’t let that define who we are - so what right do we have to let that define other people? Recognising God’s forgiveness of us empowers us to be able to see some glimmer of humanity and goodness in the other person, and to recognise that they are as compromised as I am.

When we respond in anger and hatred we are not only harming the other person - but we’re also harming ourselves and our hearts. Unforgiveness binds us to the offender and the offence - causing us more damage in the long run. God wants us to be free and to be healed.

Imagine if we went to each other when we’ve wronged each other and done what Jesus said. It would transform our relationships, and the kind of community that we could become.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring it, tolerating it, allowing it to continue - but it means dealing with compassion not hatred.

It’s a bit like faith, in that it’s not a tick box exercise - yes, I’ve forgiven! Tick! But it’s a choice you need to make every day - speaking it over the situation again and again and again until you’ve changed your brain chemistry.

God is so committed to his good world that he doesn’t enact revenge - he comes among us in the person of Jesus and personally absorbs the sin, the evil, and the death that WE have all created. In the resurrection he offers us his life, release from the consequences of what we’ve done.

He releases us by his love.

Because we have received this forgiveness, this grace, this love - we need to offer the same to everyone we meet. Amen.

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