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Anger Bible Study - Chapter 10 - helping children

Notes & Transcripts

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

By

Dr. Gary Chapman

Chapter 10 – Helping Our Children Handle Anger

Review Chapter 9

Now just a reminder, anger in and of itself isn’t sin. Anger is a result of God’s nature, in particular it is a result of two parts of his Character which are Holiness and Love

Because of those two things, when we are against his holiness or his love, it causes Anger because he desires those things

Anger is always toward someone in LOVE and is constructive wanting to bring positive change

Chapter 9 – gave us some tools for dealing with Anger with your Spouse

Dr. Chapman gave us –

6 Keys to Anger Management

1. Acknowledge the Reality of the Anger –

2. Agree to Acknowledge your anger to each other –

3. Agree that Explosion (verbal or physical) is not appropriate –

Agree to Leave the Room / House when an explosion occurs

4. Seek to Get an Explanation Before Judging –

5. Agree to Seek Resolution –

Address the Issue

Explain

Agree to a Solution

6. Affirm Your Love for Each Other

Exercise

Get a 3x5 Card …

write on it

  1. I am Angry right now
  2. Don’t worry I’m not going to attack you
  3. But I do need your help
  4. Is this a good time to talk?

Now …

Chapter 10 – Helping Children Handle Anger

At the beginning of chapter 10 is this quote from Lyman Abbott “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry and sin not”

If we are certain and admit that we as adults and as spouses deal with anger, so do our children. It is a human response to feelings of injustice or wrong.

In helping our children deal with anger … what comes first?

  • Love Comes First

Dr. Chapman says that this is foundational, we must “focus on meeting your child’s need

He encourages you to know your child’s “love language” … if you’ve never read Dr. Chapman’s book “The 5 love languages” then this is a new concept. But he teaches that each person has a basic way they express and receive expressions of love

#.words of Affirmation

#.quality time

#.receiving gifts

#.acts of service

#.physical touch

You might want to get a copy of the book there is a special version for your children. When you know their language you can better express love for them that they will feel

We have to make sure they are feeling loved. When they feel they have been treated unfairly or unloved, anger rises

We do not have to be pleased with their behavior in order to assure them of your love for them

So love is foundational for helping our children deal with their anger

Then he gave us 3 methods for Teaching our Children HOW to be angry

1.Model Healthy Behavior

- we ARE teaching our children how to be angry, the question is, are we teaching them a healthy or unhealthy? If you yell, THEY will yell. Or perhaps they will respond with the opposite as a defense mechanism. If you internalize your anger, they may do they same.

-we need to commit to displaying positive action or even positive CHANGES in the way we have always done it in the past. It may take them longer to unlearn the behavior than we do

2.Guide Them Through the Anger Episode

- listen and take them seriously – they are feeling something do not short change what they feel.

- you may have the final say but they should feel important and valued in the process

- children use two avenues for their anger, either acting out or speaking out …

- behavior … so we must recognize and show them what bad behavior is and offer them positive behavior options – instead of pushing or hitting or self harm … leaving the room, counting to 100, taking a walk, some other action that releases the stress

- verbal – we must show them that name calling, yelling, cursing, etc is unacceptable verbal expressions and instead they can verbally acknowledge their anger, share what they are feeling and why, and ask verbally for an opportunity to speak about their anger

- We must take them where they are and move them toward good

- the more questions we ask, the more we listen, the more we seek to understand … the more we can accomplish – Remember the Principle of the 5 Whys …

-- anger won’t go away as long as they have been or feel they have been wronged

- when they feel understood it begins to defuse some of the feelings of injustice

- in behavior – express a desire to understand but that you are unable to deal with it as long as they continue the improper behavior “I want to deal with this, but first you must stop …(x behavior)

- they ACT immature because they ARE immature

- dealing with the problem and getting understanding helps in eliminating “passive aggressive behavior. (i.e. failing to do something in order to get back at someone for what we don’t like)

3.Give Instruction

- from a place of love, and modeling proper behavior, use age appropriate stories as example

- scripture memory

- older children can read books even like this book

- write a research paper

- information conversations – Q & A – at times AWAY from an anger episode … “I read something recently … what do you think” “well since you brought it up …”

- admit we are all still learning

Scripture

We are not going to spend a long time today because of allowing you time and the need for a quarterly report … but let me give you two verses and tie it two what we are dealing with here

Ephesians 6:4 says “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”

Colossians 3:21 – says “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged”

“exasperate” = parorgizo = to provoke to anger – Wuerst says this is in intentionally or “calculatedly irritating or exasperating them with injustice, severerity and the like.”

Instead “bring them up” = ektrepho – nourish to maturity …

“training” or “nurture” = paideia - “the whole training and education of children which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose, commands and admonitions, reproof and punishment"

Instruction admonition = “nouthesia” – training by word or word of encouragement/

Let me just speak for myself and say that

  • often times, we tell our children what to do, but we don’t show them how.

Other times we tell them what or even how, but

  • we don’t recognize the difficulty and help them get over the struggle

Another thing we do is

  • we don’t live in front of them the same things we expect of them

Still other times

  • we place things in front of them that are unreasonable

or we act like we don’t have any problems and they can’t understand why they can’t do it so easily

All of these things lead to frustration, discouragement, and bitterness

Do we just look the other way?

NO we are told to TRAIN and give them INSTRUCTION … but it must be mixed with understanding, transparency and age appropriate instruction …

  • We do them NO GOOD when we just let them do whatever they want

But we also

  • do them no good when we teach them in an inappropriate fashion

If we want them to be better at this than we have been, we must commit to change, and lead them lovingly through the process of becoming healthy in dealing with anger

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