How to Avoid Arguments (2)
Notes
Transcript
Handout
We have been in the Book of James. James is a very practical book and has many lessons in it.
Remember, Paul teaches how a person becomes a Christian and James is saying, ok, you are a Christian, Here is how a Christian acts. He is all about our faith shining through in our actions.
We are living in perhaps the most conflictual time I can remember. Everyone is arguing about something instead of anyone working towards solutions.
People often ask,
Why can’t people seem to get along?
Why can’t people seem to get along?
Marriages - People say we love each other but we argue about everything. Usually these are major blowups over minor issues.
Parenting - Parents say they have constant tension with their kids. Kids don’t like to be told what to do.
Politics - Our public leaders certainly do not model getting along. Instead of working to actually do something, they argue and grand stand or call people names and bully.
Culture - so our culture takes the lead from our leaders and they cancel, argue, and fight each other.
Think about the person or people in your life that causes you conflict. You will get more out of this message if you have a face in mind as we continue.
James doesn’t beat around the bush here. He gets right to the point. Long before modern psychology was a round, James had some profound insights on the cause of conflict.
He says this.
1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
1. The cause of Arguments is conflicting desires
1. The cause of Arguments is conflicting desires
IOW, when my wants and desires conflict with your wants and desires, we have conflict.
Conflict begins early. A baby can’t talk but if his or her needs are not met, they let you know and you will be miserable until you meet those needs.
Marriage has all sorts of areas of conflict. Many people when they are getting married expect this life of bliss. They go into it with unrealistic expectations. Then there was the rude awakening when they both woke up.
Someone said there are three stages to marriage.
The happy honeymoon.
The party is over.
Let’s make a deal.
At stage three you have to learn how to deal with conflict because it’s coming. There are going to be conflicting desires which will cause frustration and frustrations cause arguments and fights.
The Bible makes it clear here about three different areas that cause conflict. They are legitimate desires. They are God given desires and they are ok until they are out of control.
Three basic desires that cause conflict
Three basic desires that cause conflict
The desire to have causes conflict. Possessions
The desire to have causes conflict. Possessions
We want to have things. Nice house, nice car, good life
2 You want what you don’t have, so you kill to get it. You long for what others have, and can’t afford it, so you start a fight to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don’t have what you want is that you don’t ask God for it.
God created things for us to use and enjoy. We use things and enjoy people. The problem happens is when we start loving things and begin to use people, manipulating them, controlling them and moving them around to get what we want because things have become more important.
It’s easy to fall in love with things these days with the constant advertising. When the desire to have becomes #1 in our lives, it creates conflict.
One survey by Gallup said that 56% of all marriages that end in divorce end because of money problems. Things become a battle ground. Ed and his wife w computer vs. dishwasher. Too many people think the constitution says Life, Liberty and the purchase of happiness.
Someone asked Howard Hughes one time, How much does it take to be happy? He replied, Just a little bit more. The thrill wears off quickly.
We have to learn to deal with the desire to have. If we pattern our lives comparing what we have to others, we will never be happy because you will always want more.
The desire to feel good causes conflict. Pleasure
The desire to feel good causes conflict. Pleasure
We all want to feel good, to enjoy life, to be comfortable.
3 And even when you do ask you don’t get it because your whole aim is wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
It’s not wrong to want to enjoy life. Paul told Timothy in 1 Tim 6:17
17 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.
God gives us things for our enjoyment. But when enjoyment and pleasure become #1 in our lives, you are going to have conflict. People will say stuff like, I know god just wants me to be happy or if it feels good do it. It that’s your motto, you are headed for conflict.
When the pursuit of pleasure takes priority over what is needed, you are in trouble. That’s why people spend their grocery money or rent money of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. When your desire for pleasure becomes more important that thinking of how it impacts others, you will have conflict.
The desire to have and to feel good are 2 desires that when they are thwarted, they cause conflict.
The desire to be important or pride & power
The desire to be important or pride & power
We live in a culture that says, look at me. We post stuff about ourselves to look good to the world and to get clicks. We work all the time, we strive for success. We scream watch me. Little kids say watch me daddy or mommy.
We all do this, but we do it in subtle ways. Watch me by the way I dress. Watch me by the car I drive. Watch me by the house I own. It’s a desire to impress.
10 Pride leads to arguments; be humble, take advice, and become wise.
That’s pretty simple and true isn’t it. We become to proud to compromise or see things from a different point of view and that leads to conflict. Kids wrestle and try to get the other to say uncle.
Have you ever been in an argument where you knew you were wrong but you wouldn’t admit it? Pride keeps you from doing that. Pride causes arguments.
The next time you are in an argument, stop and ask yourself. Is it really worth it? Usually not. Being right is far less important than saving the relationships in your life.
James tells us that pride, when we think we can do things on our own, causes two problems.
2 You want what you don’t have, so you kill to get it. You long for what others have, and can’t afford it, so you start a fight to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don’t have what you want is that you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you do ask you don’t get it because your whole aim is wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
James is giving us two reasons our desires are not fulfilled.
We don’t pray. We don’t ask God. We look to the wrong sources. We look to people to fulfill needs that only God can fulfill.
When we do pray, we pray with the wrong motives. We ask for things with selfish motives. The Bible says that He will supply all of our needs.
19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.
If we will ask him in prayer.
But all to often, we fight over things that we should be asking God about. Too often when we are upset, we would rather work on it ourselves rather than asking God. We try to work it out ourselves.
Prayerlessness itself is an evidence of pride. We don’t pray because we don’t think we need God. James says that we would have a lot more peace if we would just pray more.
In the next verses, James talks about conflict with God. Pride not only causes conflict with others, but it causes conflict with God.
6 And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
God will be creative about popping our pride bubble. Just about the time you think you have it all together, something will happen. To be in opposition with God is a dangerous place to be.
4 You are like an unfaithful wife who loves her husband’s enemies. Don’t you realize that making friends with God’s enemies—the evil pleasures of this world—makes you an enemy of God? I say it again, that if your aim is to enjoy the evil pleasure of the unsaved world, you cannot also be a friend of God. 5 Or what do you think the Scripture means when it says that the Holy Spirit, whom God has placed within us, watches over us with tender jealousy? 6 But he gives us more and more strength to stand against all such evil longings. As the Scripture says, God gives strength to the humble but sets himself against the proud and haughty.
If pride is the cause of arguments, and that’s the case James is making, what is the cure?
2. The cure for arguments is humility
2. The cure for arguments is humility
6 And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
Grace here is God’s power to change. What would you change about yourself? Whatever it is, you need the Grace to do it.
Whatever it is that you need to change, you need the grace to do it. marriage, relationships, family… you need grace to do it.
Here are four things that will help you diffuse a conflict.
Four steps to diffuse conflict.
Four steps to diffuse conflict.
1. Give into God.
1. Give into God.
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
First we have to let God be God in our life. Give him control. Yield to him. That’s the beginning point.
1 What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?
James says the it’s the desires that battle within you. James says that conflict with others happens when you have conflict on the inside.
You have to get peace on the inside before you can have peace with others. When you are fighting with God over who is on control, you will not have peace inside or outside. You will be irritable, upset and want things to always go your way. But if God is in charge of your life, things do not bother you as much.
Paul said,
15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
When the peace of Christ is ruling in our hearts, we will be a peace with other people. If we don’t have peace in our hearts, we will try to manipulate other people and try to move them around to get what we want out of life.
So give in to God.
2. Get wise to the devil
2. Get wise to the devil
Be aware. Be alert. We need to be alert to what he is doing.
7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Resist - war term that means to be prepared… to stand against… to withstand an attack.
The devil wants to destroy your life, your marriage, your family, your career, and all your other relationships or potential relationships. He loves conflict because it hurts our relationships. He wants to cause confusion, conflict and arguments.
James says we have to give into God and then resist the devil. We need to understand his strategy.
11 so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.
Paul says to wise up. Know how he operates.
How does the devil operate? He doesn’t stand around with a pitchfork and red suit.
He plays on our pride, especially wounded pride. He tells us what we want to hear. He whispers in our ear, gives us little thoughts, suggestions and ideas. When you are in the middle of an argument, he whispers in your ear, “you don’t have to take this…” Retaliate. Go ahead and say this…”
Say, devil, I know that’s you. get out.
Learn this verse.
10 Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.
The next time you find yourself in an argument, ask yourself am I being prideful?
Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee.
3. Grow closer to God
3. Grow closer to God
8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
How does this affect arguments? First, how do you grow closer? By reading the Bible, by going to church, by getting involved in a Bible study -- all of these kinds of things help you grow closer to God. I have made an amazing discovery that the more time I spend alone with God, the better I get along with other people.
3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
When you spend time with the Lord, you turn your thoughts to Him, then you get along better with others because He keeps perfect peace in your heart and you're not as irritable. Have you noticed some people only draw close to God when they're in trouble? They only pray when they have a need. You need to spend time with Him. Bible study, Sunday morning, daily quiet time -- make time for these things. You say you're too busy? Then maybe you're too busy. Maybe you need to cut some things out of your schedule to make more time to spend time with the Lord.
"Draw closer to God, He'll keep you in perfect peace." Get up 15 minutes earlier each morning. Do the First 15.
The conflict in your life is in direct proportion to the time you're spending with God.
There is a great promise here too. When I in genuineness draw close to God, "He will come near to you." He doesn't back off. He draws close to you. When you move toward Him, God moves toward you.
4. Be willing to ask forgiveness
4. Be willing to ask forgiveness
If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, avoid arguments, learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt.
8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
Our hands represent our conduct and our hearts represent our attitudes. James is saying for us to clean up our acts.
9 Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and sincere grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy.
IOW, show some repentance and sorry for what you have done. Don’t minimize what has happened. Be sorry for your self centeredness. Its a big deal when we hurt other people’s feelings. It may not be a big deal to you, but it is to them.
Now... go back to that person I asked you to think about a few minutes ago. Would you like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person? How do you do it? Are you willing to go and apologize for your part? Maybe they are 95% wrong and you're only 5% at fault, but you take care of your 5% and let God handle the other 95% in their life.
"I know we've had our differences and I know I haven't always been thoughtful. A lot of times I've thought more about myself than your needs." How humbling that would be! Right! Because God gives grace to the humble! If you want to change, the only way you're going to change is to be humble, and the only way to be humble is to go and ask forgiveness. It's hard but do you want to change? Do you want to reduce the conflict? Maybe the way you do it is by cracking the door open by you taking the first step even if they are primarily at fault. Admit what you've brought into the relationship that was wrong. Maybe this week, write them a note, make a call… take the fist step.
10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
God doesn’t want you to be down and out. When we humble ourselves, He will lift us up. This principle works. If you want your spouse to honor you, humble yourself. If you want co-workers to respect you, humble yourself.
Paul said,
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. 5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
He is not saying that you are to ignore your won interest. You have needs. He is not saying to be someone’s doormat. But he is saying that we have a responsabliity to look out for others.
We get the attitude of Jesus by letting him live in and through us.
Which of these desires cause the most conflict in your life? Maybe it's the desire to have and you're so busy out there making a living that you forget to make a life, hustling, day in and day out, to make a buck so much that your relationships are falling apart. The desire to have is greater than the relationships you have around you. It means that the kids suffer, your wife suffers, your husband suffers, your friends suffer because the desire to have has taken preeminence in your life. That causes conflict. I've noticed kids don't want things as much as they want our time.
Maybe it's the desire to feel good. "I have my rights!" That's something the devil likes to say an awfully lot. That's the exact opposite of what the Scriptures are saying, "Think about other people, not just yourself. What are their needs?" The desire for my feelings, my comfort... Does that cause conflict? "I'd really rather think about what I need right now than what the family needs."
How about the desire to be important? Do you find it difficult to admit it when you're wrong? Do you find it difficult to back down in an argument when you've been in error? It's going to cause conflict. Do you find your schedule pushing out time for the Lord? Then re-evaluate your schedule. Make time for the things that are important.
In the first three verses of this chapter, four times it says you're unsatisfied -- "you want but you don't get", "you strive for but you can't have". You're unsatisfied. Many people in life are unsatisfied with the way they are living. The secret of satisfaction is in Jesus Christ. Give yourself to Him and find your needs met in Him rather than in other people. He will never let you down.
Prayer
Maybe pray this. "Lord, would you help me to think of others and not just my own desires? Help me to be willing to admit when I am wrong." Maybe you need to go to somebody today and apologize. Say, "I've been selfish and I'm sorry."
Then would you pray, "God, today I want to give in to You. I give You my life, my marriage, my career. I submit it all to You. I ask You to put the peace of Christ in my heart to rule. Help me to get wise to Satan, to realize he plays on my pride and tells me things I want to hear but really only make matters worse. Father, help me to grow closer to You, to make time in my schedule for time with You. Father, I admit that many times I've put me first and I ask You to forgive me. Help me to become like Jesus, to have the attitude that He had, to not only look after my own interest but also the interest of those around me. Teach me to say, `Thy will be done' instead of `Me first'." If you've never invited Jesus Christ into your life, do it. Ask Him to come in.
Lord, thank You for Your word. It's practical and it helps us in the very areas that we need it the most. Use this message today in our lives this week so we can have more peaceful relationships, less conflict, less strife, less arguing and more love, joy, and peace. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen