Marriage and Divorce
Notes
Transcript
Introduction
Introduction
It is no secret that the state of marriage in the United States is dismal. A recent Forbes magazine article displays just how bad things have gotten. We know that approximately half of first time marriages end in divorce. For second marriages, that number climbs to above 60%, and if one gets married for a third time, he/she is not likely to stay married. Seventy-four percent of third marriages end in divorce.
In 2021 the number one reason for divorce was lack of commitment. In other words, 75% those in the marriage just weren’t committed to keeping it going. That’s three times higher than those ending because of domestic abuse, which came in 7th place as a reason for divorce. Infidelity came in second at 60%.
A couple is more likely to get divorced if they have divorced friends. Unlike many try to claim, living together before marriage actually heightens the risk of divorce rather than lowering it. The facts go against what 36% of Millennials believe.
Back in 1969, the first no-fault divorce bill was signed into law by the then governor of California Ronald Reagan. By 2010, every state had no-fault divorce laws. Though the divorce rate is actually lower now than it was in 1968, the stats can be deceiving. The reason is that Millennials are not getting married as much as previous generations. In fact, Millennials are three times more likely to be unmarried at the age of 32 than the Silent Generation—those born during the Great Depression. Thus, the stats look good, but are skewed because the divorce rate is measured in number of divorces per 1,000 people (not marriages). The number of people keeps going up, but the number of marriages are going down, therefore there are less divorces because there are less marriages. If one looks at actual marriages though, he will find that the statistics still show 50% of all first-time marriages end in divorce.
This morning, we are looking at one verse and one verse only and it has to do with divorce. And while I want to expound the text, I also want us to develop a more robust theology on marriage and why Jesus says what he does about divorce in this passage. To give you an idea of where I’m going, I want to give you my major points.
First, Marriage is a Present
Second, Marriage is a Picture
Third, Divorce is a Problem
Fourth, Divorce has Consequences
“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.
Marriage is a Present
Marriage is a Present
Most likely, these four points aren’t too surprising to anyone here. But often times, what happens in churches and among Christians is that we take doctrine for granted. It’s what we’ve been told and what we’ve known and so we accept it without actually knowing why we have that doctrine in the first place.
And so, I want us to see that places in Scripture that help us to understand marriage better. And there is no better place to start than in Genesis—the book of beginnings.
In Genesis 2:18, we find God having already formed Adam from the dust understood that it was not good for him to be alone. And he promised to make him a helper that is fit for him. In other words, they were to go together like two jigsaw puzzle pieces. Where Adam lacked a certain something, Eve would make it up. Where Eve lacked, Adam would not. They fit together. This is what we call complementarianism. Adam and Eve complemented one another. That doesn’t mean that they said nice things about each other, but that they each had strengths and weakness that worked well with the other’s strengths and weaknesses. Certainly, complementarianism can be expressed sinfully, and when it is, it ought to be exposed. But we cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Together, Adam and Eve and all their offspring, right down to us living today, were meant to work together to subdue to earth and tend it and have dominion over it. This was God’s present to humanity. His first present: the marriage present. He gave it to us as a present to treasure.
But it wasn’t meant to be all business and no fun. There certainly was to be a lot of fun in marriage. Marriage was the only institution that God gave which one could be completely open and honest without fear or shame. That’s a present, is it not? That’s what marriage was originally meant to be.
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
While this was certainly literal in that neither Adam nor Eve wore clothes; it is also a symbol, just as much as their clothing themselves with fig leaves and God’s clothing them with animal skins is meant to be seen as both literal and symbolic. Adam and Eve’s relationship was meant to be one of intimacy—intimacy in every area of life: work, emotions, physical, sexual, and every other area. They were to be open and free with one another. And that hasn’t actually changed.
Even after the fall, marriage remains a present from God, a gift of intimacy. The fall makes it more difficult, but the goal is still one of complementarianism and intimacy. I love what Tim Keller wrote in his book The Meaning of Marriage. He wrote,
“Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!”
Divorce, by its very nature, then says, “I don’t want this gift any longer. I no longer want to partner with God in your journey.”
Marriage is a Picture
Marriage is a Picture
This leads me to the second point about marriage. Marriage is not only God’s first present, but it is also a picture. It is a picture of Christ and his church and of God and his people.
Return, O faithless children, declares the Lord; for I am your master; I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion.
The word “master” here is a reference to being a husband. In verse 20, we see that explicitly stated when God says that Israel left like a wife leaving her husband.
For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God.
Hosea likens God and Israel to husband and wife—a husband who redeems his wife from prostituting herself, loving her in spite of herself and cleaning her and making her whole.
The same is said about Jesus our Redeemer. We saw this just last week.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
Paul then goes on to say,
This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Everything that Paul wrote about marriage in Ephesians 5:20-32 was not only instructions as to how to live in marriage, but also a way of showing who we are with Christ. Can you see though why Keller would say that we are in partnership with God in the journey with our spouse to make him or her who he or she was meant to be.
This is why anything that messes with this picture must be rejected by the people of God. Jesus and his church is one husband with one bride for all eternity. Therefore, the picture is one husband and one wife for all of life. That’s the picture. The church has become all too comfortable with divorce. And while there are reasons for it, divorce skews the picture of Christ and his church, as does so-called gay marriage. Polyamory is another skewing of the picture. All of these—from polyamory to homosexual marriages to divorce are increasing in our culture; but they cannot in our churches, or in our own individual minds. We have an opportunity and responsibility to display a picture of Christ and the Church, of God and his people.
Divorce is a Problem
Divorce is a Problem
Without a doubt, we will display this imperfectly and that is because of sin. Sin leads to all types of problems including the problem of divorce. Divorce is a problem and it is a problem that is due to sin. It is due to original sin as well as our own individual sins.
If we go back to Genesis 3, when Adam and Eve took of the fruit, we see first that the intimacy was broken.
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
They no longer can be completely vulnerable and open with one another. They must hide their most intimate and vulnerable aspects from the other. There’s a break in trust that continues even to us today.
God declares what has happened as a result of the sin.
To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
Whereas there was a complementarianism in the beginning, sin brought about a contrarianism. The idea of having a desire contrary to something and ruling over it is found in one other place. It’s with Cain and temptation:
If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.”
Therefore, in both instances, with husband and wife and Cain and sin, there is a struggle that goes on and on. It’s not how marriage was meant to be, but it is how marriage now is. And there comes a time when half of those in marriage just tire of the struggle. They get tired of fighting. They get tired of the selfishness of the other person. They get tired of struggling for attention, struggling over finances, struggling over sex, struggling over who does what or when. They get tired of the instability in area of life that was supposed to be stable. And so the marriage ends in divorce.
Divorce has Consequences
Divorce has Consequences
And with divorce comes consequences. And those consequences are long-lasting.
The first major Scripture about divorce comes out of Deuteronomy 24. Divorce has been mentioned, but generally in conjunction with a priest. A priest was not to marry a divorced woman, a divorced daughter may return home, etc. There were other minor mentions of divorce, but the main one is out of Deuteronomy 24.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,
and if she goes and becomes another man’s wife,
and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife,
then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance.
This passage has direct bearing on the passage that we’ve read today in Luke. In Deuteronomy 24, Moses wrote that if a husband found some indecency in his wife and no longer looked on her with favor, then he was allowed to divorce her so long as he gave her a certificate of divorce. But what does it mean to find some indecency with one’s wife?
First, let me tell you what it cannot mean. It cannot mean adultery. If Moses had meant adultery, he would have used the word adultery. He had used it plenty of times before, most notably in the Ten Commandments. Adultery actually came with the consequence of death, not divorce. So, it is clear that Moses was not speaking about adultery. So it had to be something else.
As much as I have tried to stay away from the other gospel accounts because each author had his own emphases in his account, since I’m dealing with marriage and divorce in a larger context, I want us to look at Matthew 5:32 and then Matthew 19:6-8.
But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”
He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
What Jesus is bringing about in both of these Matthew passages, as well as Luke’s, is the sanctity of marriage. This is clear in Matthew 19:6. What God has joined together, let not man separate. And then again in verse 8. Divorce was not part of the plan in the beginning. Divorce happens because of the hardness of man’s heart.
In both Matthew 5 and 19, Jesus references Deuteronomy 24. But whereas Moses used the word “indecency,” Jesus used the words “sexual immorality.” In Greek, it’s one word, “porneia.” Porneia is different than adultery. Jesus used the word adultery (Gk: moixeia) in the same breath as porneia (sexual immorality). Moixeia can be included in porneia, but porneia includes so much more.
Porneia would include pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, incest, bestiality, pedophilia, homosexuality, and the list could go on. This is how Jesus interpreted Deuteronomy 24. This was the stance that Jesus took, that if a husband found that his wife had been sexually active in any way that did not involve him, he could divorce her but it was only allowed due to one’s hardness of heart and unwillingness to forgive. In Jesus’s day, it was nearly impossible for a wife to divorce her husband and so it is only mentioned in Mark about a wife divorcing her husband. But the same rules apply; what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
The man who was divorcing his wife was to understand the consequences. The first was from Deuteronomy 24. If she remarried, he could not marry her again. This was to stop flippant divorces. But then Jesus went further in Matthew and said that the man would actually be causing his wife to become an adulteress. Outside of sexual immorality, there was no good reason to divorce her. Her vows were to him and he caused her to break them because of his own hardened heart. A woman typically could not take care of herself in the ancient Middle East. She needed to be married. Thus, a divorcee was forced to break her covenant with her first husband just to survive.
But the second consequence Jesus put on it was that the man was also committing adultery if he remarried. That’s found in both Matthew 5 and Luke 16. And I want us to look once more at
“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.
The first clause in this sentence is written in an interesting way in Greek; actually both are. The implication in it is that the divorce seems to be happening so that the man could get married to someone else. In other words, this isn’t a man who divorced his wife and then years later found another woman to marry, but one that divorced and remarried immediately, almost as if it was one action.
This was a problem within the Pharisee world. I know it sounds weird when we think of Pharisees, but it’s true. Divorce was not a big deal to many Pharisees and the reason was because many of the Pharisees in Jesus’s day were Hillelites.
Hillel was a Rabbi and Pharisee in the early part of the first century. He would have been the leader of the Sanhedrin when Jesus went to the temple as a boy. His grandson is actually in the New Testament. His name was Gamaliel who protected the apostles and was the teacher of Paul. Hillel was famous for saying, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the entire Torah, and the rest is its commentary. Now go and study.” That sounds very similar to Jesus’s golden rule, “Whatever you wish for others to do to you, do unto them. For this is the Law and the Prophets.” In fact, Jesus and Hillel had a lot in common. But not everything.
Hillel believed that a Jewish man could divorce his wife for just about any reason. Hence, in Mathew 19, the question is asked if a man could divorce his wife for any reason. The “indecency” clause in Deuteronomy 24 was interpreted so loosely that a man could divorce his wife if she burned his dinner.
Hillel was extremely popular and had a large following. It was known as the School of Hillel and many Pharisees were Hillelites.
On the other hand, there was another rabbi who was at the moment in charge of the Sanhedrin. His name was Shammai. Shammai also had a large following. Shammai stated that the only reason for divorce was adultery.
At first glance, Jesus seems to be have agreeing with Shammai rather than Hillel though Jesus often seemed to be on the same side as Hillel. In reality, Jesus said they were both wrong. One couldn’t flippantly divorce his wife and yet it wasn’t only adultery that was allowable for divorce. It was fornication.
But once a man was divorced he wasn’t supposed to marry again. And a man wasn’t supposed to marry a divorced woman because he would then cause her to break her vows making himself an adulterer. In other words, if one did get a divorce from his wife, he is not to remarry.
Paul said something similar when he stated that if an unbeliever divorced a believer, the believing spouse was not to remarry, but remain single.
Divorce, Jesus was emphasizing, has consequences—long-lasting consequences. Why? Because marriage was a present from our Father and a picture of God and his people. This means marriage is a huge deal and must be handled with the greatest of care. What God joined together, let no man separate.
Conclusion
Conclusion
These are some hard words. They sound cold and without any feeling. Jesus was no stranger to sin. He knew that we would sin against him and that we’d sin against each other. He knew husbands would sin against wives and wives against husbands. His grace and blood covers it all.
Divorce happens. That’s not to make light of it; it’s a fact. What do we do then if we’ve been divorced or if we’ve remarried? Here is my answer to those questions.
Rest in God’s grace in Christ. Jesus died for every sin. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. He has taken on himself the guilt and shame of every sin from every person that trusts in him. So don’t fret. God’s love for you and grace toward you is not based on marriage, divorce, or singleness. He loves you because God is love.
Do not take grace for granted. In other words, don’t use God’s grace in Christ as an excuse to sin. In this case, by saying, “God will forgive me if I proceed with divorce, so let me proceed.” Paul wrote in Romans 6:1–2 “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?”
Live in the state you’re in. Many wonder about being remarried. Should they seek to get out of the marriage? No. Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 7 that whatever state we are in, we should seek to stay in the state. And it would seem that they should remain in it with joy. Again, all is forgiven; there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You are given permission to let go of the guilt and shame and bask in God’s grace.
I love the words of
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.
That’s what we are called to do: live through him. God’s love to use is giving us his Son so we don’t need to live on our own or by our own goodness, but live through him. May we accept such love and live in and through Christ.