The Vow of Partnership
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Introduction
Introduction
Dismiss Children
Introduce self
Continuing our series THe vow
We saw two weeks ago there is a vow of priority where God is our first prioity and our spouse is our second.
Last week we talked about the vow of pursuit where we should pursue our spouse not just while we were dating but forever.
This week I want to talk to you about the vow of partnership.
I made refernece last week to how many marriages are operating liek this (separate hands) instead of like this (hands together).
Today we are going to put a focus on what it means to be biblically partnered and not contractually partnered.
Character-marriage with a selfish spouse
Character-marriage with a selfish spouse
How many of you believe you have a firm understanding of selfishness?
Can I share osmething and you not think less of me? I think I’m still figuring it out.
We get constant bombardment about self care and as Christians can push against it becuase it gets identified as selfish.
I mean, I understand some of the confusion Notice Paul’s instruction in
Philippians 2:3–4 “3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.
4 Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.
How can we even think of ourselves at all with a verse like that?
I’ll be happy to have a discussion about it but let me give you where I’m at right now.
-It’s not selfish to practice self care that helps you be in a better mental, physical, or spiritual condition to serve others.
-Jesus himself often got away to pray and be away from people that wanted his attention
-It’s not selfish to establish boundaries in your life based on the priorities of God and your family.
-Paul asked for John mark to not travel with him anymore because it was detracting from the ministry
-It’s not selfish to say no sometimes. Now listen ,if you are never serving or helping or being there for people, that’s different. But there are times when you may not be available for a person the way they need you to be. You can try and you can listen when you don’t feel up to it, I get it, I’ve done it. But you can’t do it forever. You have to have boundaries.
-Jesus didn’t heal everyone. We know that right?
-It is selfish to never help, never serve, never listen.
-It is selfish to make everything about you.
In marriage this can be practically played out in a number of ways.
-Making big decisions without consideration of their spouse’s feelings on the matter
-Constant dissmissal of feelings
-never doing things your spouse wants to do and always making things about you.
This isbn’t a biblically based marriage.
Genesis 2:24 “24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
24 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.
That word one is translated from the hebrew word echad (ekh-awd’); united, completely joined as one
Selfishness looks like this (one hand grasping and the other open) I don’t have to acknowledge you, what you want, it’s not about you, it’s about me. whereas selflessness looks like this (both hands closed) it’s a mutual submission to one another making marriage about we not me.
And if you are like me, you didn’t start out realizing how to make that work.
Some of that comes from the fact that opposites attract.
When you were dating, the things that you say in your spouse that was opposite of you attracted you to them. Then, wheny our married those things that are opposites are why you are attacking them.
YOu thought he was funny, now hes obnoxious
You loved that she was organized, now you see her as a control freak.
Sarah and I have grown up together. We didn’t meet till the summer before junior year but as many of you know, your not fully grown at 18. There’s still a lot fo work to do.
And when growing like that, and this is what I tell young couples getting married, who you re marrying at 19 is not the person you will be married to at 30. Yes at their core they are the same person but as they experience life, change careers, go from college or front line employee to management or executive. They will develop habits, idiocyncroncies they didn’t have before, and you’ll learn that you have different ways of expressing and receiving love.
I’ve become the guy who doesn’t really stop to smell the roses. I dont’ like hikes and walking through the woods for the purpose of walkingg through the woods. Sarah loved being out in the woods.
I have always had tons of ideas that could scare anyone. In my 20’s figuring out who I was lead to a number of different financial issues and wild pursuits.
She is more ok with things being how they are. I like change.
She likes to have late night conversations about the day when we go to bed, I like……well I’ll just leave that alone
What do we do with such differences? We all have to choose to agree on what we can, compromise where we can, and embrace one another with the love of Christ.
The devil wants us to divide over the differences rather than find our strength in them.
The easiest way the devil does this is by sowing distrust. That’s what he did in the garden.
Problem-view marriage as a contract not a covenant
Problem-view marriage as a contract not a covenant
Genesis 3:1 “1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”
Did God really say? He causes you to question the character of not only God but of your spouse and those closest to you.
Marriage is not mean to be entered into as a contract, it is a covenant.
A contract is built on mutual distrsut. I’m having this signed becuase you could do me wrong adn I want protection from it.
God doesn’t operate in contracts. He operates with covenants.
A covenant is built on mutual trust.
And marriage is a covenant made between two people who trust one another.
When you asked her to marry you or when you said yes to him did you think “I believe she is going to leave me” or before you said yes was it “Yes, but I expect you to walk away from me in a few years.”
Not only did you trust them you were choosing to love them and enter into the relationship not just so what you could get out of it but what you could put into it.
You chose to spend the rest of your life with this person, hopefiully, not just becuase you wanted to be loved by them but becuase you wanted to love them ther est of their life.
Yet sometime after the marriage you forgot that. It became about the job, the house, the cars, the bills being paid, and all the things you thought you would get done.
And now your marriage is all about you. How they make you feel. What they do around the house that you don’t want to do and how they most benefit you and your life.
You stopped being apart of the covenant and started relying on the contract.
Agitated-Contracts cause divorce, division, and distraction
Agitated-Contracts cause divorce, division, and distraction
Ever had an argument over a contract? What happens?
You analyze and over analyze every little thing to find the way for it to most benefit you.
LIke a lawyer representing a client you look to your spouse and identify all the things they aren’t doing that you believe they should be.
Then you try to find a loophole to not uphold your part of the covenant.
And in our culture today it’s not a surprise. That’s what we are training ourselves and couples to do.
Now listen, I’m going to tell you how old your kids should be when they date. What I am going to tell you is that they need to understand the purpose of dating just like adults do.
The purpose of dating someone is to marry them.
Yet dating people has turned into a sport in our culture.
And because of what I believe is the result of a fear of commitment and laziness to work at a relationship, we act like we are married before we are married.
People move into together and they do things married people do.
Buy stuff, get the same phone plan, buy a car toggether, and so on.
People act married and then when things get difficult, when a part of the contract is broken, we then practice divorce.
We divide the assets and move on.
And now when you actualyl do commit, you’ve been practicing. So you knwo the deal. The moment it’s no longger good for you, you find the loophole and walk away.
That’s not what God intends for marriage.
Jesus reiterated Gen 2:24 in
Mark 10:5–9 “5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
It’s a commitment that lasts a lifetime, but you don’t always feel it.
Solution: Commit and then let the emotions follow
Solution: Commit and then let the emotions follow
Yet our lives cannot be run by our emotions because.
In the last two weeks I know I’ve said this and I’m going to say it again, your thoughts determine your emotions.
The Bible says to renew your mind so that you can discern what is good and pleasing.
Have you ever tried to discern something under emotional distress?
Even if your not distressed, maybe your in a euphoric state. You’ll just say yes to anything becuase you’ve let go of any inhibition and you don’t care becuase the way you feel in the moment is amazing.
When emotions dictate your relationships rather than being a byproduct of the intentional thought and effort YOU put into it, your relationships will be as shallow as your emotions and not as deep as your thoughts.
Commit to your spouse. Trust their commitment to you. And work through all the problems that life can throw at you.
You are in a covenant not a contract and that covenant of marriage is what this verse by Peter is based on
1 Peter 4:8 “8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.”
8 Above all, maintain constant love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins.
Now listen to me, real quick. This verse does not mean for you to stay in an environment where you are being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused. Love can cover sins however God’s love doesn’t cover your sins unless you repent and accept the forgiveness.
Jesus died for you but without trusting in Him as your Savior, your judgement day will look much different than those who have trusted in Him. Becuase you haven’t accept repented and sought forgiveness with a repentant heart.
Remember, I’m preaching to a marriage that isn’t facing these type of issues. That’s a whole other conversation.
Guide-God’s design for marriage is a mutually submissive one
Guide-God’s design for marriage is a mutually submissive one
Both spouses should be mutually submitted one to another.
See, this is the thing I think is most often misunderstood when it comes to leading our homes men. We think we can’t lead through service yet that is exactly what Jesus did and said
Mark 10:45 “45 For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.”
Mutually submitting to and serving your spouse is the way to have the partnership the BIble speaks of.
Journey- Eph 5:21
Journey- Eph 5:21
Ephesians 5:21 “21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
You submit to one another, not becuase of how great your spouse is or how subserviant you think you are. You submit to one another becuase of how great God is.
I’m gonna give you three ways to have a mutually submissive and trusting partnership with your spouse. Get ready to write these down or take notes:
1. Lovingly lead through listening
1. Lovingly lead through listening
James 1:19 “19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
19 My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse you felt like you were talking to a wall?
Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse where you felt like they just wouldn’t stop talking for you to get a word in edge wise?
yea, I’m sure we’ve all been there.
But neither of those are a mutual submissive discussion are they?
What about when you’ve tried to tell your spouse to do something?
Does that go well?
Look, I get it. We all get in a hurry, we get frustrted, and we forget that we are talking to our spouse and not a child. We may even ask if they need to potty…
however if you decide to ask questions, listen to responses, and converse about the problem or whatever needs to be done, you’ll find that the relationship will be healthier.
Why? Becuase you can’t have a mutually submissive relationship without mutual respect for the other person in the relationship. Respect for their own individuality, respect for who they are, and most importantly respect for them as a child of God.
Respect them by listening to understand and not to respond. Hear and acknowledge what is being said and work together to resolve the conflict or problem rather than to attack your partner.
2. Give honor and be honorable
2. Give honor and be honorable
1 Peter 2:17 “17 Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.”
17 Honor everyone. Love the brothers and sisters. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
That honor to all men or mankind includes your spouse. That love to the brotherhood is the brohterhood of believers that your spouse belongs to.
Ladies we saw last week how men are to love you and you are to respect them.
Men, can I tell you soemthing. Be a person she can respect and honor. Don’t be surprised if your not honorable if she struggles with respecting and honoring you.
Honoring someone happens with actions and words.
Two ways to do that:
1. Do chores they don’t like and don’t expect anything in return. Trying to do the dishes with an expectation of effection in return isn’t honoring. It’s a little demeaning. Help out with things they don’t want to do whether it be chores around the house or maybe clean their car out for them.
2. Appreciate them publicly and privately. Use your words as a means of honoring them in front of people and speak of the good things. Tell them privately how important they are too you.
3. Live for the same purpose
3. Live for the same purpose
Remember the verse from Phil 2 earlier?
Let’s read it with a little more context now
Philippians 2:1–4 “1 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”
When you are esteeming others better than yourself there must be a foundation that both people are basing their lives on.
For followers of Jesus that is the foundation of the gospel. When we all live from that we find unity.
Going a step further for marriage, are you both living for the same purpose in your marriage?
Have you decided the purpose of your marriage is to bring glory to God?
If so, then wheny ou argue remind yourselves of that and seek to resolve the problem in a way that best brings glory to God.
Have you decided the purpose your marriage is to be loving and kind to one another?
What about generous and welcoming to others?
Believers in Jesus can walk side by side through difficulty and conflict becuase of the foundation of Jesus. The more specific we make the purpose of our relationships the better we can mutually work towards the goal.
Here’s the kicker and the bow to wrap it all up.
You can’t make the goal, the marriage, or the relationship all about you.
Resolution: Make marriage about lifitng up other person and leading them to Jesus
Resolution: Make marriage about lifitng up other person and leading them to Jesus
Make your marriage about something you can both come together on and live towards.
Make it about Jesus. Make it about each other. and live selflessly for the cause of Christ and for your marriage to succeed.
Impact- Negative: Continue making relationship only about you and find yourself living a life that only involves you. Positive: Choose partner with your spouse towards the goal of glorifying God
Impact- Negative: Continue making relationship only about you and find yourself living a life that only involves you. Positive: Choose partner with your spouse towards the goal of glorifying God
You don’t have to make the marriage about Jesus though. You don’t have to make it about your spouse. You can continue to live for yourself selfishly. Demanding your spouse and others around you make their lives about you isn’t living as a follower of Jesus. It’s living as a promoter of self.
However, when you can choose to lift up your spouse, lift up your savior, and live from the foundation of the love God has for you, you will find that your marriage and relationships are much more full
I read a quote and I’ll close with it:
Your marriage will be as good as you both want it to be.