Living Unashamed in Marriage
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Introduction
Introduction
Introduce self
Dismiss kids
Finishing our series the Vow.
We have covered four aspects of this the last few weeks.
We first say that God is our first priority and our Spouse is our second.
Then, we saw the importance of pursuing our spouse forever
Last week we looked at the importance of partnership by approaching our marriage as we not me.
All of these concepts come from the isntruction from God in Genesis 2:24 “24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
This week we close it out by looking at gen 2:25 and the importance of living unashamed in marriage.
Character- Person who experiences Shame
Character- Person who experiences Shame
Have you ever felt shame before?
It’s a pretty awful feeling. The word shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation, inadequacy, or worthlessness that arises from the belief that one has done something wrong or violated social norms or personal values.
Shame has a mix of emotions that make it up. Guilt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear are all wrapped up in it.
Of those emotions which one of them do you want to make your spouse feel?
Valentines day last week how many woke up and said “I hope I can make the love of my life feel guilt and sadness today.”
that’s never the case. If it is, you’ve got some issues that need to be worked out through counseling.
However, shame is something that can exist in marriages but hopefully without intention.
Before we get into things today let me say that when it comes to shame, there are times when it is appropriate to feel it. For instance, when you have done something shameful.
It is important to understand where your shame comes from to determine if your feeling of shame is valid.
The definition of shame given earlier is great but let’s communicate it a little more clearly: shame comes from the feeling of not meeting the standard or expectation set by you, someone else, or society. You see…
Shame only exists in the presence of judgement.
You have to decide who can pass judgement on you and why.
As followers of Jesus we understand a phrase that gets misquoted often, “Only God can judge me”
There is truth there. However, you are most likely being judged by yourself, others, and society on a daily basis. I know I am.
I’d like to ask you consider this questions this morning:
Do I judge my spouse based on unrealistic or non-agreed upon expectations?
Do I judge my friends?
Am I judging others?
But there is one place in our lives we should not experience that judgement and that is inside of our marriage.
Problem-Judgement exists in marriage
Problem-Judgement exists in marriage
Genesis 2:25 “25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
25 Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
When Adam was first introduced to Eve they were naked and afraid if you will. Yet, there was no shame. There was no judgement.
There they are in the garden with the perfect relationship and no judgement between the two.
This may describe when you first got married or when you first interacted with people.
Think about the honeymoon phase. Why is the honeymoon phase so great?
The person you are in the honeymoon phase with can do no wrong. They are wonderful the greatest thing since sliced bread.
But then…then something happens. They let you down. They dissapoint you. They don’t meet your…expectations in some area.
Now the judgement starts.
Now we begin to make them feel bad for not being who we thought they were.
Now, listen, I’m going to make this very clear again. I’m not preaching this to someone who married a person then they became abusive, adulterer, or living in perpetual sin. You need marriage counseling and potentially some separation for safety.
When I mean someone who we thought they were, I mean someone that leaves the seat up, comes home late but didn’t commuinicate it too you so now dinner is cold. I mean someone who doesn’t share your same drive.
When our actions are judged by another and the experience of shame comes, we all respond differently. Can I tell you where I first lean to and you not think less of me? Anger.
If you judge me for something I did that I don’t think is wrong, I’m going to get angry about it. I’m going to have to process what your saying away from you so that I can pray, get some perspective, and respond well so that I don’t bite your face off.
Some of you may not go straight to anger. Some of you may become sad, you may feel guilt or anxiety.
And that will determine how you handle the situation at first.
Agitated- Judgement leads to Division and divorce
Agitated- Judgement leads to Division and divorce
What happens when that judgement and shame continue in a marriage?
What happens when you continually look at your spouse with disappointment or you feel that your spouse doesn’t love you becuase you don’t meet their expectations?
Division, divorce, and a despicable home life.
You don’t want ot be around the perosn judging you. You dont want to feel that your not enough when they look at you. You don’t want to their punching bag.
God knows this. It’s why he inspired Paul to write:
Colossians 3:13 “13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
He said if you got problems, talk em out and forgive as Christ forgave you.
Jesus emphasized this type of forgiveness with peter
Matthew 18:21–22 “21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
What I lvoe about being a Chrsitian is that the one person who has every right to judge me, the one person who has every right to shame me and make me feel bad for my actions in life has made it possible for to not be judged by Him becuase of His Son.
Romans 8:1 “1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus,
No condemntation for those in Christ.
You see everyone has a relationship with God whether they want it or not.
And inside of the relationship with God, He is judging us.
However that judgement is based mutually agreed upon expectations.
Solution-Mutually agreed upon expecations
Solution-Mutually agreed upon expecations
God being God gets to determine expecations of His creation.
The potter expects the clay he has molded into a pot not to leak.
God who created us from dust expects things from us.
And he has given those expectations to mankind.
Love God, Love your neighbor as yourself.
Tell others about Jesus, live as a represenative of Him in this world, etc.
And based on how his creation meets those expecatiosn he judges them.
And that judgement has eternal consequences.
However, there is great news. You don’t have to live under that judgment or condemnation. You don’t have to be fearful of what eternity will look like. You don’t have to feel the shame associated with the judgement from God.
How? You place your faith in Jesus as your Savior. You agree with God that you are a sinner. You cannot save yourself becuase he said you couldn’t
Ephesians 2:8–9 “8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.”
And you trust that Jesus is your only hope for Heaven
Romans 10:9 “9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
What does this have to do with our marriage?
To avoid improper judgement or feeling the shame of being judged, you have to have mutually agreed upon expectations.
Guide- Biblical Principles and truth
Guide- Biblical Principles and truth
God determines the expecations in our relationship with HIm and we don’t have to agree per say but we have to submit.
And it is still God who should determine the expectations in our marriage. We should base them off of biblical truth and principles.
they must be communciated and agreed on as well
There are some obvious things right? Don’t cheat on me. Don’t speak ill of me behind my back. Don’t blow all of our money so we can’t pay our bills. Don’t squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle.
Do you deal with shame in your marriage? Are you judging your spouse or others? Here are three ways you can remove judgement and shame from your marriage and relationships
Journey-
Journey-
1. Expecations must be mutually understood
1. Expecations must be mutually understood
Amos 3:3 “3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
Some expectations may be more personal rather than explicitly based on Bible: For some spending time with the opposite gender isn’t an option. When I started pastoring here and networking with people that is something Sarah and I had to work through. Where we are at now is I will meet with a lady however it will be in public and she will know about it before hand. She has veto power as well. She can tell me to cancel a meeting with a woman or move it another place or time and I’ll do it.
If you are a lady and want to meet with me in my office, my wife will be in there or my door will be open. If I’m in my office with my door clsoed there is one person who can open tht door without knocking and that’s my wife.
How are we ok with this? Because we have communicated them and humbly submitted to Jesus and each other. I don’t get upset if she exercises ehr right in that area and I also know that I should feel guilt or shame if I break her trust with this. I’ll have to ask for her forgiveness.
Without this communication of expecations you will set the line of sin or offense in the wrong place.
Think of our walk with Jesus.
He communicated to us where the line for sin was becuase it seems as though it was misunderstood.
Matthew 5:27–28 “27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
There is not a single follower of Jesus that woudl argue that adultery is a sin, a break of trust, and a cause of shame. Right?
But Jesus said that’s not the line of sin. Is it a sin? yes. BUT, that is not the first sin in the line of sins that lead to it.
Young people, listen to me. Look up here. If you are living at home with your parents look at me.
Your mom and dad will establish rules in your home that you don’t agree wtih and are inherently not sinful things if you did BUT if you did them they could lead to sin.
For instance: There will never be a teenager alive that can give me a reason to attend an unchaperoned party at someones house with mixed genders and stay later than 7pm. Especially staying past 10 or 12. Someone is going to have to help me know what good, holy, and righteous things are going on after those times or at all.
Or why your curfew should be later than 9 or 10pm if your a little older. What good happens after those times?
Is it a sin if you stay out past 9, if oyur parents say you cant and you do yes but in general is it a sin to be away from your home at 901 pm? No. But what could happen to you and with your friends after that is waht your parents are trying to help protect you from.
Everyone, Jesus said adultery is sin…but so is looking at a woman with lust in your heart.
Is seeing a woman immodestly or even modestly dressed sin? no. Is lusting after her, yes.
That’s why mena dn women need to avoid the double take. Know what I mean?
And maybe that’s something in your marriage you have agreement on. You won’t look at the opposite gender on tv, on facebook, or wherever for any length of time to think on them.
Whatever your expecations for one another are. Agree ont hem and walk together.
What happens if you break those expecations though?
2. Humility must be on full display
2. Humility must be on full display
Ephesians 4:2 “2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;”
2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
This verse means to have fortitude in putting up with each other in love.
When and if you break those expecations you need to humbly confess them and seek forgiveness.
When called out on how you broke the mutualyl agreed on expecation, you humbly listen and repent.
When you are the offended party, you humbly approach your spouse and calmly explain how you feel and the outcome you want.
Which is exactly how Sarah and I always communicate…
I asked her about a story I could share about this and there were a couple that came up that personally we don’t want to share publicly and other than that it’s most likely some small stuff that got blown out of proportion.
You know those big fights that you forget about 3 days later.
However if humility is involved it isn’t a large argument you forget about, it’s a conversation you can tell your kids about.
3. Honesty must be given and accepted
3. Honesty must be given and accepted
Ephesians 4:25 “25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.”
25 Therefore, putting away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another.
This can be difficult if your someone that doesn’t like conflict or hurting people’s feelings. becuase you know your words are going to bring both of those. However, to avoid shame and judgement existing in your marriage honesty is required becuase trust is vital.
When we aren’t being hoenst we are keeping secrets.
Secrets are the enemy of intimacy
We must not only be willing to be honest, we must be willing to hear and accept the honest truth being spoken.
Have you ever had a discussion with your spouse where they are telling you how they feel and you get your feelings dismissed?
Facts don’t care about your feelings but that doesn’t change your feelings in the moment.
When you have an open and hoenst conversation you have to accept where your spouse is regarding the subject and not shame them because you don’t feel the same way or don’t understand how they feel.
You need to ask questions. Something like this “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t want you to feel that way and would like to keep from that happening again. However, I need help understanding the thought process and woudl like to hear more from you about it. And if your ok with it i’d like to share my thoughts and us discuss what things look like going forward.”
I know…too many words, I shouldn’t have to say that, my spouse shoudl this that or the other.
Do you know some of the top leading causes of divorce in America?
First is infidelity.
Then there are these reason I found in a forbes article:
lack of family support, lack of intimacy, too much conflict, and financial stress.
Family support: The Bible says to Leave mother and father. If your marriage is dependent upon your families support of it, there is a problem anyway.
lack of Intimacy: The Bible says to cleave to one another. When you are both committed and holidng on tightly, intimacy will exist.
Too much conflict: The Bible says Proverbs 13:10 “10 Only by pride cometh contention: But with the well advised is wisdom.”
Pride is the absence of humility and leads to miscommunication because instead of humbly changing your conversation or the way you speak, you believe you are God’s gift to communication and can’t figure out why there is misunderstandings.
Financial stress: While I’m painting with a broad brush on this one, I believe the honest conversations aroudn vision, direction, and spending will keep this from being such a big deal.
My last point is the one I believe that will change the direction of the divorce trend in America in marriages that end for little to no reason other than “irreconcilable differences”
4. Forgiveness must be sought and given
4. Forgiveness must be sought and given
Colossians 3:13 “13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
As Christ forgave you. Have you disrespected Jesus in your life? He forgave you for it
Has your spouse disrespected you (again, abuse and things like that are a different conversation)? What should you do?
Do you do everything Jesus asks you to do? Do you always respond immediately at the Holy Spirits prompting? What did Jesus do?
Did your spouse not do a chore you asked them to? Took to long to get to something than you wanted? What should you do?
I said last week, forgivenss shoudl be given when sought after.
Ever been in a situation where you or the person you are married to wouldn’t apologize? You didn’t think you were wrong so why would you apologize. I get that.
Can I tell you somethign I’ve learned as a pastor? You may not be wrong overall but I bet there is something you can see from the other persons point of view to accept responsibility for. And when you can do that, you can often neutralize the negative emotions from the offended party because you ahve accepted your responsiblity for what you can and will be able to move forward.
Resolution: Choose to extend Grace & Mercy when shame and judgement arises
Resolution: Choose to extend Grace & Mercy when shame and judgement arises
Shame and judgement are meant to exist in marriage.
Each spouse has a part to play in these things being eradicated from your relationship.
Adam and eve were in a perfect setting in the garden and before one another unashamed.
Do you stand before one another in your marriage unashamed or does shame and judgement exist in your home?
Impact: Negative-Pride and division. Positive-Amazing marriage
Impact: Negative-Pride and division. Positive-Amazing marriage
If you continue to judge and shame your spouse you will find yourself living without them.
Shame only exists in the presence of judgement and judgment leads to division.
When the judge casts judgement from the stand between two parties the parties are divided.
The one person who can judge us, has chosen to cast that condemation on His son on the cross. We are told to love our spouse and each other in the same way.
When you do this, when you take the biblical principles I’ve shared with you today, I believe you will find yourself living in a wonderful marriage that lasts a lifetime.
But rememeber, your marriage is as great as you both want it to be.
Time of Response
Time of Response
The same is true with your relationship with God. He wants you to have an amazin relationsip with Him. But do you want that?
When you decide that you want that relationship with your spouse you will live like it. When you want that relationship with your Heavenly Father ,you will live like it.
The decision to have that relationship is the sme with both and it starts with beliveing in them.
Our salvation is not based on how we live for Jesus, it’s based on our faith in Jesus. When we have faith in Jesus we will live according to that.
So do you…do you beleive in Jesus