Healing Toxic Relationships

21 Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. 22 Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. 23 And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles. 24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. 25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.

This passage describes our culture today.

So far we have learned how to dispel the lies of the devil. We have learned how to uncomplicate money and use it the way God wants us to. Today we will wrap up with,

How to Heal Toxic Relationships

A city can become toxic

An Oklahoma city had 20,000 residents several years ago but now it’s a ghost town. You can see this today where some cities have people leaving in droves because the culture has become so toxic they don’t want to be there.

A culture can become toxic

The culture in Rome was toxic. And our culture has become toxic. We have forgotten civility because we can say stuff on social media with no repercussions. Nothing is true any more, it’s all relative.

What we grew up thinking was good and right is being said to be bad today.

A relationship can become toxic

Amazon - thousands of books written with this topic in them. We will not cover all of these, so don’t panic.

But relationships can become toxic.

Moving from Bitterness to Blessing

Exodus 15:23–25 NLT

23 When they came to the oasis of Marah, the water was too bitter to drink. So they called the place Marah (which means “bitter”). 24 Then the people complained and turned against Moses. “What are we going to drink?” they demanded. 25 So Moses cried out to the Lord for help, and the Lord showed him a piece of wood. Moses threw it into the water, and this made the water good to drink. It was there at Marah that the Lord set before them the following decree as a standard to test their faithfulness to him.

Mara - bitter

When he threw the wood into the water, it became pure. It was a miracle.

Listen, we can see the same thing, a miracle in relationships. Maybe you have someone who has hurt you, betrayed you, or someone you just can’t seem to get along with at work… God can do a miracle.

Then God showed him who he was in Exo 15:26

Exodus 15:26 NLT

26 He said, “If you will listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his sight, obeying his commands and keeping all his decrees, then I will not make you suffer any of the diseases I sent on the Egyptians; for I am the Lord who heals you.”

He told him, that he was the God who heals.

Sometimes it takes a bitter, toxic relationship for us to learn that God is our healer and to look to him. No matter what you have been through, God can transform your relationships.

1. The Tree of honor

Honor is the gravity of relationships. Without it, there is no way to pull people together.

A man was at a hotel in FL during a storm. During the storm he walked out by the flag pole with rain and lightening everywhere. He saluted the flag and then took it down, folded, put it under his arm and took inside.

He was a veteran and he honored that flag. It was more than a piece of cloth. He looked through the flag to what it represented.

That’s the definition of honor. You look past the physical part, the human part and you see the image of God in another person. You don’t see someone who is different than you are, who doesn’t talk like you do, who doesn’t agree with you, but you see someone made in the image of God.

We need to stop looking at people in the outside, but see through the outside to who they are… people in need of the Lord.

Let me apply this to marriage relationships. If there is no honor, there is nothing to pull you together, there is nothing to hold you together. When you get a little older, or a little heavier you look past this individuals person before God.

1 Peter 3:7 ESV

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Showing honor

Your wife is equal. Stronger is physically stronger. She is an heir with you… she is God’s redeemed daughter. When you look past the physical to the inner person, you see your equal.

Guys- If you want your prayers hindered guys, dishonor your wife.

Vessel is a vase. You treat a dixie cup differently than a crystal vase. You need to honor her like a vase that’s worth millions. Open doors… stand up when she walks in… We need to change our thinking and show honor.

Just before this verse, he instructed ladies to honor their husbands with respect. When you look at the exterior of that guy, you see the man God created.

When a wife is trying to out do the husband to show honor and the husband is trying to out do the wife with honor… you will see some healing in marriages.

This works in all relationships.

1 Peter 2:17 ESV

17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

We need to honor people.

Honor the emperor - this was Nero, who was the worst emperor ever in the Roman Empire. He burned Rome to the ground and blamed the Christians for it. Then he would put pitch on them and burn them as torches to light the streets. That’s who Peter is saying to honor.

Honor is looking past the person to the position they hold

Listen, we are in an election year, so it doesn’t matter who is going to be president, we need to honor that position.

2. The Tree of Trust

After honor comes trust. Trust takes time. Reagan to Russia - Trust but verify.

Many of us trust anything and everyone. Then you have the opposite who doesn’t trust anyone.

Andy Stanley - gaps. We all have people disappoint us. What causes the disappointment is the gap between our expectations and what really happened.

When it doesn’t happen the way you expected, it creates a gap.

Steven Covey said this…

We judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their behavior. Steven Covey

We trust ourselves but we don’t trust other people. It creates a gap.

Example. Say we are having a meeting and someone comes in late. I can go give it to them at the end or I can say, friend, I have known you and trusted you for a long time and I noticed you came in late… is everything ok?

See the difference? Oe approach is suspicion and the other is trust.

When you do this, it changes everything and when you treat people that way, you build trust. Always find out their story and ask them to fill in the gap.

Do I put trust in the gap or do I put suspicion in that gap?

You cannot be either gullible (trusting everyone) or distrusting (trusting no one but yourself).

3. The tree of Loyalty

this builds on Honor and trust…

Loyalty says I am here… no matter what. Love can be fickle or steadfast. The steadfast love of the Lord… Psalms. Love is loyal.

Look at God’s name… The Lord… compassionate and gracious… slow to anger, abounding in love…

Exodus 34:6–7 NET

6 The Lord passed by before him and proclaimed: “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, and abounding in loyal love and faithfulness,7 keeping loyal love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin. But he by no means leaves the guilty unpunished, responding to the transgression of fathers by dealing with children and children’s children, to the third and fourth generation.”

It tool this whole verse to describe Loyalty. Heb 12 says He will never leave us or forsake us.

Loyalty is about compassion, grace, and patience.

If you want to you want to stay married for 50 years or so… love with loyalty compassion and grace.

Loyalty is about faithfulness and forgiveness.

This means I am here and I will be here. Someone said,

Marriage is a commitment to an imperfect person.

You will never be perfect and you will always find flaws in the other person.

Luke 17:3–4 ESV

3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

Jesus is sayin that when someone sins, we are to correct him and if he repents, we are to forgive him. (over and over again)

Loyalty is about determined, obligated, fierce loyalty to a covenant.

Jimmy Evans - The Four Laws of Love - Study of the National Survey of Families and households. They studied couples whose marriages were in trouble.

They found

86% of people who said their marriage was unhappy; 5 years later siad their marriage was very happy.

Can you believe that? All they did was hang in there. If you just won’t quite, things will pass. Only about 25-30% of divorces are about abuse, adultery or abandonment. 70% were about an argument.

The Grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but the dog is meaner.

God doesn’t have divorcees, he hates divorce.

You start off with honor. You look past the person to what they need. Once honor has it’s way, you begin to build trust. This takes time. But once you build it, you reach the loyalty stage.

So here are some keys as I close.

What can I do to heal toxic relationships?

1. Start to honor every difficult person.

You look past he person to the image of God.

Who is the person to live with? Who is it that it’s their calling in life to cause you problems? That’s the one you are going to give honor to.

2. Place trust in every gap instead of suspicion

Change your approach when people let you down. Instead of accusing them and berating them, tell them you love them and trust them. Then ask them to help you understand what happened.

3. Ask God to give you compassion, patience, loyalty, and forgiveness.

Do this for every relationship.

When Moses through that tree into the water, it represented the cross. Jesus hanging on a tree looked at the thief and said today you will be with me in paradise. Everyone else was laughing at him… at his nakedness, at his helplessness. and he asked his father to forgive them.

Listen whatever has surfaced in the messages of this series, look at Jesus on the cross. He had honor with the man on his side, he had trust for his father, and he had loyalty. He didn’t get off that cross until he was finished.

Maybe you are here and you realize you have become toxic. Jesus wants to come into your heart and make it pure. Jesus is saying that if you will just open the door, I’ll come in and heal the bitter water. I’ll make it sweet if you will let me in.

If you would say, I don’t know if I am right, but I want to be…

Maybe you are in a difficult relationship and it’s bitter. If you would say, PR, today I want the cross in this relationship.

Have everyone pray

HF, wash me in the blood of Jesus… cleans my heart and today I forgive everyone who has hurt me in the past and poisoned my well making me bitter. I put the cross inside and receive healing.

Open up your hands and receive honor, trust, and loyalty.

Tell god you love him and give him praise.

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