Fatherhood

Parenting is a notoriously difficult topic to preach on. It’s especially bad if you have kids that can prove conclusively you have no idea what you are talking about. Larry Osborne joked about this once when he wrote:

Nelson’s Annual Preacher’s Sourcebook, 2008 Edition Stats, Stories and More

I used to have a sermon series before Nancy and I had any kids called: “Ten Rules for Raising Godly Kids.” Then my son Nathan came along and it became “Ten Suggestions for Raising Good Kids.” When my daughter Rachel came along, it became “Five Ideas that Might Help.” My son Josh came along and I think I renamed it something like, “Three Tips for Surviving Parenthood.” —Dr. Larry Osborne

I think most parents can relate to that sentiment. However, we don’t have the luxury of letting our parenting be a punch line. This is serious, and Paul treats it so. We saw last week how children are to orient themselves to their parents, and this week we are going to see the other half of that equation, although with a notable level of specificity.

You’ll notice that Paul doesn’t begin Ephesians 6:4 with the word parents (which he just used in the previous verse, so he knew how to say it), he begins with the word, “Fathers.”

I’ll address mothers and other family situations at the end of this morning’s message, but I also want to let the passage carry it’s own weight of emphasis. Paul says he is talking to fathers, so that’s where we are going to spend the bulk of our time this morning. As we proceed I think we will see that Paul isn’t just being forgetful, but he is calling out the parent who is always the most responsible for his family’s discipleship, but often the least involved.

I recently heard Voddie Baucham share that he felt fatherlessness was the greatest problem his people face other than a lack of faith in Jesus. I agree, and would go further to say that the lack of godly fathering is probably the single greatest problem with the western world today, spanning ethnicities, languages, and countries, outside of a lack of faith in jesus.

Fathers - it’s a hard time to be a father, but Paul is going to lay this out for us very briefly and very simply. Our verse today has two commands in it, and so does our outline.

Paul begins with a straightforward warning to fathers. This stands in contrast to what he has said so far, and so we need to pay close attention. Since the beginning of Paul’s special instruction on how to live out Christian submission in special relationships, Paul has been on a role of positive commands.

He doesn’t tell the wives what not to do.

He doesn’t tell the husbands what not to do.

He doesn’t tell the children what not to do.

He does tell fathers what not to do, however.

That should jump out to us as a way of drawing attention to something that is very easy, and all to common. Before Paul can lay out what it is that fathers are to do, he wants to warn and head off something that we fathers are prone to doing, and that something is absolutely lethal to the godly development of our children.

Paul says, do not provoke your children to anger.

What does this mean?

In the Greek, the phrase “provoke to anger” is all one word. It’s root is the word ὀργή from which we get our English word, orgy. We tend to associate this word with gross sexual sin, but it is a word that means emotions in general spilling over uncontrollably, often used of anger. In the form we have it here, it refers to an angry outburst which threatens to become lasting bitterness.

This idea is carried out further in the parallel passage of Colossians 3:21.

Colossians 3:21 NASB95

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Here we see an almost identical warning followed by the outcome that Paul is trying to avoid.

The word exasperate is a different Greek word, but it is closely related and often listed as a synonym for the word in our text in Ephesians. Both words refer to being driven towards anger that builds to overflowing and eventually produces a torrent of bitterness and resentment.

A father who provokes his children is in grave danger of causing them to, as Colossians 3:21 says, lose heart.

It is a precious thing to see a young boy or girl trying to please his or her father. It is unspeakably tragic to see that same child only a few short years later become a seething cauldron of deep set anger having lost all motivation and all meaningful relationship, with that father. And yes, in case anyone is wondering, this happens in the church. This happens in this church. This must not happen, and Paul singles out fathers as the ones who primarily are responsible to be the guardians of their children’s fragile souls.

So how do we end up bringing this about, and how can we guard against it?

It is easy to compile a list of those things which frequently are cited as the source of provocation of exasperation for a child.

Severity, injustice, partiality, undue exercise of authority, arbitrariness, constant nagging, frequent shaming or condemnation, public humiliation, gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities, broken promises and hypocrisy, neglect, abuse, abdication of authority, drunkenness and substance abuse…the list could go on.

These are all important things to talk about in their own right, but just as love covers all of the negative prohibitions of the law as Jesus taught us, so does this hold true here.

If we want to take Paul’s admonition here seriously, then I exhort us to treasure the souls of your children.

This doesn’t mean to treasure the fact that you have children.

This doesn’t mean treasuring the ideal of what you image your children should be like.

Treasure the souls of your children, as they are, right now. View them as precious. View them as vulnerable and in need of protection. Drive from your heart those impulses, selfish impulses, that cause you to see them as behavioral problems to be squashed, personal inconveniences to be minimized, trials to be endured, or even the enemy of your happiness to be battled.

It sounds so extreme to put it this way, but is it not easy to act this way? If we are truly honest, would we not have to admit that we at many times are tempted, or in fact do, act towards our children in this way? Fathers, let us treasure the souls of our children. We must see in them a constant opportunity, and not a persistent adversary.

If you want a short checklist of things to keep your eye on, let me suggest three:

Ungracious Expectations

Do you demand of your children a standard of living to which you yourself do not attain, or expect sanctification to proceed in their lives at a pace faster than your own? This is not talking about having biblical standards, which are high. This is talking about being an Old Testament Pharisaical parent who chides and berates their children at every turn - holding before them a Christ-less salvation by works. This is the parent who cultivates obedience through fear, and not love. Very quickly this parenting approach degrades into the style of behavior modification pioneered by B. F. Skinner. We build gutters of positive and negative reinforcement disconnected from love and disconnected from the Gospel. Watch out - this kid is going to look great until they leave for college, and then all hell breaks loose! Why? Because hell has been burning up the heart of the child for years, and they finally have enough freedom to vent the exasperation that has been festering all along.

A father who treasures the souls of his children has a loving graciousness towards them, even in their sin. Just like our heavenly Father.

Ungodly Anger

The best process to produce anger and bitterness and resentment in your children is discipleship. Just model it for them. Have an angry heart as a father and display it in your home and you will soon see it mirrored back at you in the attitudes and actions of your children. And the anger doesn’t even need to be directed at your children! Be angry with your wife, your job, your circumstances, etc. Just show our children that this is how a grown man reacts to the world, and our children will react in the same way. We can preach a hundred sermons on being kind and gentle, but if the anger in our heart tells them that daddy doesn’t mean it or have to do it, they will almost invariably adopt their father’s heart over their father’s words.

Fathers, if you struggle with anger, it’s time to get serious about it. A genuinely repentant father is a powerful force against a provoked and resentful heart.

Unavailability

Lastly, you must be present. You can’t live a life disconnected from your children and expect that they won’t resent you for it. Your children need you to be involved in your life in the same way that we need our heavenly Father to be involved in our lives.

The story is told of how even General Douglas MacArthur learned this the hard way.

1000 Illustrations for Preaching & Teaching The Home Front

The Home Front

When John Foster Dulles was secretary of state, he called General Douglas MacArthur’s home one day. Mistaking Dulles’s voice for that of an aide, Mrs. MacArthur snapped, “MacArthur is not here. MacArthur is where MacArthur always is—down at that office!” With this she hung up abruptly. Within minutes the general received a call from John Foster Dulles saying, “Go home at once, boy. Your home front is crumbling.”

Even MacArthur’s wife was showing the effects of creeping exasperation. Where do you think his kids’ hearts were? Do your children ever see that you make them a priority as a pattern, and not just as an intervention when things get really bad?

If we will treasure the souls of our children by guarding against these three (ungracious expectations, ungodly anger, and unavailability), we will find ourselves with much softer soil in which to cultivate the healthy and godly maturity that we desire to see in our children. So fathers, be warned, and be vigilant. As hard as this may seem to be, it is only the first half of Paul’s instruction. We now turn to see what positive parenting we ought to be engaged in now that the hearts of our children have been spared the searing effects of provocation.

Fathers, Train the Souls of Your Children

Paul continues his thought straight into the second half of our verse.

…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

What does it meant to bring up our children?

Well, the term used here has the idea of nurturing and caring. This means that it is an ongoing process, which the force of the verb in the Greek also reinforces. We are commanded to be engaged in the ongoing nurture and care of our children’s souls.

Fathers - this isn’t something you can simply delegate to your wife. You are here commanded, this is an imperative after all, to personally be engaged in an ongoing way, in the fruitful tending of your children. Specifically, you are to take the lead in two areas.

First, discipline.

The word for discipline here is a word focused on cultivating godly living. It refers to passing on the whole spectrum of what it means to live as a righteous and mature individual. This includes how to observe Christmas, what words are vulgar, how to share your toys with others, and not chewing with your mouth open.

Fathers, do we just roll our eyes at the immaturity of our children and wonder when our wives, or their teachers, or Sunday School is going to finally get around to telling them how to live properly? This is our job! This is our sacred duty! The mother is absolutely called to be engaged in this process, and it goes without saying so much that Paul let it go without saying here. But it is fathers that need to be reminded. Does your little boy seem unable to tell which shoe goes on which foot? That’s your job! Is your young teenager picking up a sarcastic tone with her mother that she learned from her peers? That’s your job! Will your children talk about how they learned to sing in church from the mothers, or will they remember how you lead as a father?

This is discipline. And like in any sport or even military endeavor, it consists of positive and negative reinforcement.

And I want to give us a couple brief thoughts to keep in mind as we discipline our children.

Discipline always has growth in view.

This means that it is great to demonstrate in word and in deed that obedience brings with it blessing! This also means that we don’t bribe our children. Are you trying to train your child to pursue righteousness and its attendant blessings, or are you trying to prepare your children for some high-pressure rules negotiations as a teenager?

This also means that we don’t punish our children, we discipline them. What do I mean by that? Is this my way of saying don’t ever spank your children and only use positive reinforcement? Absolutely not. Proverbs 29:15 instructs parents in the use of the rod, and God even reminds us in Hebrews 12:6 that it is His love that leads Him to sometimes give us adults a good parental scourging. What I am saying is that the purpose of negative discipline is that our children would be reminded in a measured, brief, and immediate way that the consequences of sin are serious and ought to be avoided. It makes a world of difference knowing that your coach is making you run a bunch of miserable extra sprints because he wants you to be a better player during the next game rather than because he is mad at you for failing in this game and wants you to suffer for it. In the same way, it makes a world of difference to your children to see any and all negative discipline as a loving act whereby you prepare their hearts for future success rather than meting out some arbitrary amount of pain to get back at them for disobeying. So discipline must always have the growth of the child in view, whether positive or negative discipline.

Discipline is tailored to the child.

A second important principle here is that your discipline needs to be tailored to your individual children. This is why a one-size-fits-all approach to practical parenting is impossible. You can write a book of universal principles, but you can’t write a book of universal application. Even Paul modeled this in his life and ministry.

One of my favorite early church fathers is Gregory of Nazianzus. He lived in the 300s and left a bunch of writing behind for us to enjoy today. In one place he discussed the ministry style of Paul in his discipline and how that ought to inform the way that fathers instruct their children.

He wrote:

Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers 2.7: S. Cyril of Jerusalem, S. Gregory Nazianzen Oration II

On behalf of some he gives thanks, others he upbraids. Some he names his joy and crown, others he charges with folly.19 Some who hold a straight course he accompanies, sharing in their zeal; others he checks, who are going wrong. At one time he excommunicates, at another he confirms his love;21 at one time he grieves, at another rejoices; at one time he feeds with milk, at another he handles mysteries; at one time he condescends, at another he raises to his own level; at one time he threatens a rod,23 at another he offers the spirit of meekness; at one time he is haughty toward the lofty, at another lowly toward the lowly. Now he is least of the apostles, now he offers a proof of Christ speaking in him;25 now he longs for departure and is being poured forth as a libation, now he thinks it more necessary for their sakes to abide in the flesh. For he seeks not his own interests, but those of his children,27 whom he has begotten in Christ by the gospel. This is the aim of all his spiritual authority, in everything to neglect his own in comparison with the advantage of others.

Does this mean that it doesn’t matter how you parent because Paul was all over the place? No - quite the opposite. This means that, like Paul, our parenting must be a constant tidal ebb and flow of truth and love operating for maximum effect upon the healthy development of our individuals children’s hearts. Fathers, do you know enough about the inner working of your children to embark on such a mission? We must!

Our discipline must be growth oriented and individualized, or it will be ineffective, but it must also be informational.

Knowing what to do without knowing why you do it can be just another source of exasperation. That is why the second component of this training is instruction.

By instruction is meant the teaching which must accompany the discipline. Herein is our call as fathers to shoulder responsibility to pass on to our children the vital information of our faith. Notice that Paul qualifies both our discipline and our instruction with the phrase, of the Lord.

The substance of our discipline and the content of our teaching are to be what we have received from the Lord. We are not just trying to make a good citizen or a functional adult. If that is our aim, we aim too low!

It can be a temptation today, as tolerance and diversity continue to lose their original meanings and infect every area of life, to be worried about over-zealousness in our parenting. We feel that we owe it to our children in some way to let them figure out life for themselves.

This may be true in areas of vocation, creativity, personality, and the like, but it must not be true where the things of the Lord are concerned. Another church father I appreciate, Chrysostom, also from the 300s, gave a sermon on Ephesians 6:4 and addressed this attitude present in his culture at the time.

Many Christian parents felt that all this “book-learning” about the Christian faith was unnecessary for the common child and that their efforts were better spent teaching their child art, sport, work, and good citizenship. Teaching your children about Jesus and theology and all that stuff was just going to turn them into a monk.

To this Chrysostom responded:

Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers 1.13: Saint Chrysostom: Homilies on Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Thessalonians, Timothy, Titus, and Philemon Homily XXI

Never say, this is the business of monks. Am I making a monk of him? No. There is no need he should become a monk. Why be so afraid of a thing so replete with so much advantage? Make him a Christian.

Fathers - why be so afraid indeed to teach our children richly, consistently, and earnestly, the things of God?

Might it be that it is because we do not yet value that knowledge ourselves and therefore see little merit in it? Then we must repent!

Might it be that it is because we know too little of it ourselves and therefore feel inadequate to teach it? This too is easily remedied. Learn it! Learn it by teaching it to your children. Here is a great way to grow in godliness. Your children will think no less of you for giving them simple truths at the start and then slowly progress to deeper things. They may never know that you were learning right alongside them!

Fathers, instruct your children. If you fail in this, our culture no longer has a backup strategy.

The great theologian Charles Hodge who was president of Princeton during the second half of the 19th century, commented solemnly that:

Systematic Theology (Charles Hodge) Parental Duties

Consequently, when a state resolves that religious instruction shall be banished from the schools and other literary institutions, it virtually resolves on self-destruction.

He went on to say that in a situation such as this it becomes even more critical that biblical instruction be given in the home, and from fathers in particular. Father - you are the first, and may be the last, line of defense against the glories of the Gospel dying out at your generation in your family. Take the call seriously.

See life as a series of potential teaching opportunities. Though this level of parental involvement by the father would have been largely unusual in the Greco-Roman world, it was something God had taught His people to do all the way back when He called them out of Egypt.

Deuteronomy 6:7 NASB95

“You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Biblical instruction was meant to be a part of the daily life of a Jewish family. It wasn’t reserved for family devotions or Sunday lunches. Fathers - be creative. Teach your children whenever you have the chance to do so. If you are afraid they will grow to resent your constant “sermons,” then get creative. Not all teaching has to seem like a sermon. And people don’t mind sermons coming from someone who is modeling Christlikeness. They are more annoying coming from a Pharisee and a hypocrite. Even if your children say they are annoyed, though, don’t give up. Fulfill your obligation to God as a father, and let Him deal with the heart of your child.

Concluding Thoughts

There are so many things we could discuss in a passage such as this, and there simply isn’t time. However, I want to close with a few comments for application and clarification.

First, this verse is about our faithfulness as fathers, and doesn’t compete with the role the Holy Spirit plays.

If you were listening this morning and wondering if this means that as along as a father follows these steps, his children will turn out perfect, then this is the big disclaimer. It is only through the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives that we grow to be godly, and that is just as true for our children. But God has ordained that we should be the ordinary means of grace through which His Spirit operates in the lives of our children. Once again Chysostom comments on our responsibility when he writes:

Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers 1.13: Saint Chrysostom: Homilies on Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Thessalonians, Timothy, Titus, and Philemon Homily XXI

For a helper, (as the name implies,) is not a helper of one that is inactive, but of one who works also himself. But the good God is able of Himself to bring the work to perfection, that we may be all counted worthy to attain to the blessings promised us, through the grace and compassions of His only begotten Son, with Whom together with the Holy Ghost be unto the Father, glory, might, and honor, now and ever, and throughout all ages. Amen.

God is able and powerful to do the heart work necessary, but we are called to be involved and active.

Second, this verse doesn’t let mom off the hook.

As Titus 2 directs, women have been gifted the primary sphere of responsibility in the home. They have been called to teach their children and raise them up in that context. Paul singling out fathers here is not to diminish or ignore women, but address what is often the weak or missing link in faithful parenting. It is also to address, as Paul has been addressing through the preceeding verses, the issue of responsibility. Mothers, please teach your children. Do not provoke them to anger, and do discipline and instruct them. Especially if you are in a difficult situation.

Third, unorthodox families aren’t hopeless.

If you are a single mother or are in a home where the faith is not be taught or modeled by your husband, than you have an added weight of responsibility to see that your children learn what it means to be a Christian. Take full advantage of the life of the church to surround your children with godly teaching and godly father-figures. Those who are a part of the family of Christ should never have to confront these challenges entirely on their own. Be careful to guard against being embittered against your husband (which would foster bitterness in your children), but recognize that a failure on his part opens up a need in your children that can be at least partially helped by engaging with the broader body of Christ.

Perhaps you are a grandparent raising your grandchildren on your own? Maybe you have a blended home? Perhaps divorce has spread your family across the country and you only have small windows of opportunity to parent. These situations are all different than how God originally designed a family to function, but they are all able to be blessed by God in miraculous ways if you are willing to faithfully make the most of every opportunity that you do have.

Fourth, this is all going to require a plan and effort.

Waiting for godly discipline and instruction to just happen instinctively will lead to a parental extinction level event. If you don’t have a plan for how to discipline and instruct your children as they grow, then make one now! It’s okay, I won’t be offended if you tune me out and start strategizing in your notes. This week’s newsletter had 17 resources to help you put this plan together, so go check your email if you missed it. If you are married, then this plan needs to be one you both are passionate about and knowledgeable about. God first, marriage second, and a unified parenting strategy third - this is the key to a successful parenting approach.

Fifth, don’t underestimate the power of the Gospel.

Did you come from a terrible home situation that has left your heart still full of bitterness and resentment? Jesus died so that you would have access to a supernatural capacity to forgive and move forward. Do you have no hope that your teenage or adult children will ever turn their lives over to Jesus and feel riddled with guilt over past mistakes made as a parent? The power of the Gospel can reach across the gulf of your sin and their hard-heartedness and turn your story into a triumph of grace. It’s never too late to start being a godly parent, and it’s never too late for God to work in a person’s heart.

In closing, do you know what the very last verse of the last book in the Old Testament is about?

It’s a prophecy about what will come about as God’s Word is faithfully taught in the context of the tribulation leading up to the Second Coming.

Malachi 4:6 NASB95

“He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse.”

If we as fathers will live this verse out, then in contrast with our father-starving culture, we will see the beauty of children’s hearts restored to the hearts of their fathers and carrying on their faith to the next generation. In short, we will see a little taste of heavenly peace.

If not, then we will see our churches and our land stricken with a curse of generational anger, hostility, and a rejection of the moral and spiritual instruction of its fathers. In short, we will see Berkeley - over, and over, over.

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