Faithlife
Faithlife

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By far the most difficult form of pursuit behavior to recognize is criticism.  How can those who act adversarially be said to be in pursuit?  We feel alienated, not close.  But criticism is characterized by overfocus.  The “stinger’ and the “stung” are emotionally connected.  Whenever a gnawing critic gets inside our brain cells and we can’t expunge him, we are connected, even if negatively.  Whenever someone gets under our skin, we are infected with anxiety.  If we are reactive to a pursuer, the pursuit behavior achieves its goal:  connection.  Strange as it sounds, the critic wants to be close.  After all, if we can’t be close through play, ecstasy, touch, and nurture, our only option to accomplish closeness is through angry outbursts, specious charges, or harsh accusations.  People feel close to us when they know we are thinking about them.  What we think is not as important as that we are thinking about them.  We play into the hands of criticizers when we react to their invasion rather than define ourselves to it.


How Your Church Family Works, Paul L. Steinke, page 88

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