Family Feud - 2
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Family Feud - 2
We, Not Me
Introduction
In an op-ed piece in the Washington Post on August 4, 2013, Paul Rampell, an estate-planning attorney in Palm Beach writes, “Why don’t we borrow from real estate and create a marital lease? Instead of wedlock, a “wedlease.” Here’s how a marital lease could work: Two people commit themselves to marriage for a period of years — one year, five years, 10 years, whatever term suits them. The marital lease could be renewed at the end of the term however many times a couple likes. It could end up lasting a lifetime if the relationship is good and worth continuing. But if the relationship is bad, the couple could go their separate ways at the end of the term. The messiness of divorce is avoided and the end can be as simple as vacating a rental unit.”
We have this idea in our culture that the primary purpose of marriage is to make you happy. What happens if your marriage stops making you happy? What happens if what (or who) makes you happy changes? Well, if marriage is designed to make you happy and you are no longer happy, therefore, if it doesn’t make you happy, you end it.
And you end up in a situation like this op-ed piece. I am not happy, so I’m out. You don’t make me happy anymore so I am going to be with someone who does make me happy.
While it may seem like a practical view of marriage, it is actually a very low view. Biblically, that view of marriage just doesn’t hold up. In the bible, marriage isn’t something that you choose to leave if the circumstances change. It is a lifetime commitment that is only to be broken under the most severe of circumstances. Review - Family Feud - what does God say?
The bible does not say that the purpose of marriage is primarily for your benefit or to make you happy. As we will see, the bible says that the point of marriage is to honor God, and secondly...for your spouse’s benefit.
- 21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body. 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Last summer, right after I started here, we did a 7 week series through the book of Ephesians. It is such a great description of the Gospel and how we are to live out the reality of following Jesus. One of my favorite aspects of Ephesians is that it is perfectly symmetrical. First three chapters are all about Jesus, who he is and what he has done. Second three chapters are the ‘so what.’ Basically, since Jesus has done this, now you do that. Part of this application in our lives is how our faith is to impact our relationships.
The Bible helps us here by giving us an overarching relationship principle that is to guide how Christians function in their relationships. While this principle applies to all relationships, let’s zero in on marriage for our time together, which is what Ephesians does as well.
What is to be the defining characteristic of a Christian marriage? Is it their abiding love for each other? Their passionate romance? Maybe amazing communication skills? Well, all of those are incredibly important to a good marriage. But above them all, the Bible presents that the Christian marriage is to be predominately defined by submission.
“Submit” has a very negative connotation to it. But in the Gk. it is quite simple. It is a military term that means to voluntarily rank yourself underneath someone else.
Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage - “The word “submit” that Paul uses has its origin in the military, and in Greek it denoted a soldier submitting to an officer. Why? Because when you join the military you lose control over your schedule, over when you can take a holiday, over when you’re going to eat, and even over what you eat. To be part of a whole, to become part of a greater unity, you have to surrender your independence. You must give up the right to make decisions unilaterally. Paul says that this ability to deny your own rights, to serve and put the good of the whole over your own, is not instinctive; indeed, it’s unnatural, but it is the very foundation of marriage...When facing any problem in marriage, the first thing you look for at the base of it is, in some measure, self-centeredness and an unwillingness to serve or minister to the other.”
Foundationally then, marriage is not something I go into with thoughts about me. My happiness. My contentment. My needs being met. Marriage is about thinking of the other person first.
Notice the basis of our submission - out of reverence for Christ.
We don’t submit to our spouse because we want to or because they deserve it. Because, as every married person in this room knows...there will be days you don’t want to and days you don’t think they deserve it. When people first encounter , the first response is to argue. You don’t know how my spouse is. He is so lazy. She is no manipulative. He said this. She said that. They don’t deserve my submission. And you are absolutely correct. So here’s the good news…your submission to your spouse has absolutely nothing to do with your spouse. Our submission is out of our love for Jesus. Out of obedience to him.
I think we can all admit how challenging this is. When we read passages like this, our response to Jesus is, “You want me to do what!?!! But without qualification and without clarification, God simply declares for us to submit to one another…out of reverence for Christ. So we can complain and push back all day long…but our submission isn’t about this other person. It’s all about Jesus. Because of who he is and because of what he has done, we submit.
—Because Jesus loves me and has forgiven me, I am free to put myself in a position where I may be wronged.
—Because Jesus accepts me, I am free to place myself in a vulnerable position of placing someone before myself.
—Because Jesus has already given me all I will ever need, I am free from having to demand that I get my way.
If you are a Christian, your faith and your marriage are intertwined. They cannot be separated. Your faith plays itself out in your marriage. The beautiful truth laid out here is that a marriage lived rightly is an act of worship. When you love your spouse as God calls you to do so, it is an act of love toward God. So to not love your spouse, then, is an act of disobedience.
Husbands, if you say you will not submit to your wife by sacrificially loving your wife, that is not an indictment against your wife and the fact she is unlovable. It is an indictment against your relationship with Jesus. Wives, if you say you will not submit to your husband by respecting your husband, that is not an indictment against your husband and his unworthiness of respect. It is an indictment against your relationship with Jesus.
Our submission to our spouses has nothing to do with our spouses, and everything to do with our level of respect for Jesus.
So if submission is this important for our marriages, what does this look like? Let’s see how the Bible fleshes this out:
, - 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything… 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
These verses have been used to oppress and belittle women throughout history. Anyone who does that is a complete fool. That view is in direct opposition to what this passage actually teaches. And the bad past usage of these verses should not deter us from seeing their beauty. Not women submit to men. Wives, submit to your husband in the form of respect.
This is a wife that respects, appreciates and values her husband. Appreciates what he does for her and their family. Admires his hard work, level of sacrifice. Doesn’t take anything for granted. Instead of assuming that care will be there, she appreciates that he does what he does.
Interestingly enough, research shows that this is a husband’s greatest need in his marriage. The need to feel respected, to be appreciated, to be noticed. So God gives us the great gift of marriage to meet that deep need. No other relationship fulfills that in a man like marriage does.
And here is the thing, wives...husbands get to decide what they think is disrespectful. So whether or not you agree something is disrespectful or think he is right or wrong to feel that way, it falls on the shoulders of the disrespected to decide if something said or done was disrespectful.
And remember, this submission of respect is voluntary. It cannot be demanded. It is not to be abusive, bullying or making demands. This is not so that a husband can bark orders and get his way. But so that respect will define the relationship.
TS - Bible goes on to command husbands and their submission. “Submit to one another”…not one-sided.
- 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.
Husbands are commanded to submit to their wives in the form of love and sacrifice. This ‘love’ is not just an emotional feeling toward their wife, but a love defined by sacrificial action. “Just as Christ loved the church.” LovED, not LovES. Past action. How did he do that? He died for the church.
Husbands are commanded to give themselves over to their wives, to lovingly sacrifice on her behalf. To be all about meeting her needs instead of focusing on having his needs met. This is a husband who understands that his spiritual leadership in his home is not based on his level of authority, but his level of sacrifice.
TS - To help us out, the bible gives a great image to tell us what this looks like for husbands.
- 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.
Love your wife as you love yourself. You know… the person I take care of the most is me. The person I seek comfort for the most is me. The person I am sure is first on my list is me. Here is the bible’s teaching for husbands...you do that with yourself, so you already know what that looks like. Now, do that with your wife!
Interestingly, research shows that a wife’s greatest need is to be loved and adored. And God gives the great gift of marriage to meet that need. No other relationship meets that need like marriage.
And husbands, your wife gets to decide what it looks like for her to feel unloved. Whether you like it or not, whether you agree or not, whether it was your intention or not, she decides when she feels unloved.
TS - The bible concludes this idea with some of the most powerful words about marriage.
- 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So marriage is not just about a husband and wife loving each other. Christian marriages are designed by God to show the world what a relationship with Jesus looks like. It is an illustration of the gospel message itself.
Gospel message - Our sin had separated us from God. To remove that barrier, Jesus came, lived sinlessly and died a sacrificial death. He stood in our place to take the penalty for our sin...death. By that loving sacrifice, we are now reconciled with God and can have a right relationship with God.
And our response to Jesus is one of reverence, respect, admiration, trust. Following his lead because we know he has our best in mind. As he continues to give and give, we continue to grow in our level of appreciation, gratitude and respect.
So husbands, the reason you are called to submit to your wife by sacrificially loving her is because that is a mirror, a reflection of Jesus. As he sacrificed himself for us, we do so for our wives.
Wives, the reason you are called to submit to your husband by respecting him is because that is a mirror, a reflection of our response to Jesus. As we show appreciation, gratitude to him, you do so for your husbands.
A marriage rightly lived is the most powerful sermon you will ever preach. It is the most powerful witness and testimony for Jesus you have. When godly submission defines your marriage, you preach the gospel to your kids, neighbors, coworkers. Your marriage is a living, breathing picture of the hope we have in Jesus.
So here is the takeaway...Last week we talked about this growing dissatisfaction with marriage. But, the bible once again reaffirms that marriage matters. It is an act of worship. And not only that, it is an act of evangelism. It reveals who Jesus is and what he has done, as well as revealing the right response to him.
There are many threats to biblical marriage. Those threats strip the high view that God places on marriage. They undermine the beautiful imagery of what marriage really is.
-Homosexual unions do that. It cheapens God’s design and goes in opposition to how God said relationships, sexuality and marriage are supposed to work.
-Divorce does that. It says that commitment has its breaking point. Jesus isn’t that way.
-Adultery does that. Breaks the union, showing no faithfulness. Jesus isn’t that way.
-Cohabitation does that. By putting their own preferences, conveniences, sexual relationship, above God’s design, they cheapen it.
Looking at the biblical picture of marriage shows the beauty in it. And when we see marriage for how God designed it to be and function, no other option is as desirable. When we see that biblical marriage reflects Jesus to the world, why would we ever choose to promote something other than this beautiful design? To do so would be to show an inaccurate picture of Jesus.
Conclusion
Last week I mentioned that one of the key things people look for today in a potential spouse is compatibility. And we destroyed that myth…you are not compatible. And never fully will be. And that is ok. Why? Because the principle of mutual submission completely trumps anything and everything. So what we are to look for in a potential spouse is not whether we are compatible, but whether this is the type of person I am willing to submit to for the rest of my life.
The power of submission is life-changing. Jesus is our model in this.
- 3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 6 Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. 7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, 8 he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
Jesus submitted by placing our needs above his own desires. He willingly went to the cross to pay the debt we owed to God because of our sin.
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