Anecdotes About Sex
Some of my favorite jokes involve kids and their innocent portrayal of seemingly adult topics. At Back to School Night last fall, my son's kindergarten teacher told a few jokes. He, a former Marine teaching kindergarten (yes, really), peppered his presentation to the parents with four jokes. Of course, the one I remembered was:
Little Susie comes home from school one day and proudly says, "Mom, I learned how to make babies today!" Mom's eyebrows went up and she said, "You did??" "Yep," said Susie.
Mom, nervous about where this was going, ended the conversation and called up the teacher the next day. She said, "Susie tells me that she learned how to make babies yesterday. Is this true??" "Yes," replied her teacher, "it is." At this, Mom replied, "Do you think that's appropriate?" "Yes," said the teacher, "When she comes home today, why don't you ask her."
So, Mom anxiously waited for school to end and when she picked up Susie, she took a deep breath and said, "Susie, you said yesterday that you learned how to make babies. Would you tell me about that?"
"Oh sure, Mom. You change the "y" to "ie" and add an "s."
One of my other favorite stories about sexually related matters centers around the process of giving birth. This story, called "The Middle Wife," came to me from an attorney friend who was also once a nurse and a preschool teacher. (Yes, I know some folks with very interesting job histories.)
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty. And it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.