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Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
I. Love is a language: Do you understand it? (Read pp. 11-13 in Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages)
A. Love is not a feeling. Feelings rise and fall.
B. Love is not romance. Romantic fires can blaze or smolder.
C. Love is not physical intimacy. Without love, all you have is lust.
D. Love is the most important word in the English language but also the most confusing.
E. Like human languages, love is a language that we must learn and communicate.
1. We must learn the love language of our partner.
2. We must communicate in the love language of our partner.
F. We all have a PRIMARY and a SECONDARY love language
The Five Love Languages (taken from Gary Smalley’s book “The Five languages of Love)
nds.
1. Verbal compliments, or word of appreciation
2. They thrive with a person who continually notices what they do right.
3. They await a partner’s encouraging words to awaken the talents and gifts they may have suppressed.
4. They best respond to kind and humble words where partners do not make demands but only requests of each other which each is free to fulfill or not to fulfill.
5. Many times a person can become a workaholic because he or she is simply looking for words of affirmation.
6. If communication has broken down, then make a list of each other’s best qualities and make a point of complimenting your spouse in one of these areas each week.
7. Jesus spoke words of affirmation over His disciples such as calling Simon, which means “reed”, Peter, which means “rock.”
B. Language #2: QUALITY TIME
1. Undivided Attention: Their primary desire is for their spouse’s undivided attention. They want them to focus on them, spend time with them, or do things with them. This may mean having a talk without the distraction of the T.V., or going for a quiet walk with no interruptions. Quality time is time shared that can never again be recaptured.
2. Togetherness: Togetherness is a central aspect of quality time. Talking on the phone while playing a game is not togetherness.
3. Feelings/Sympathy Conversation: They do not want to just talk about the news, weather, etc. They want to talk about opinions and ideas. The focus in on what each other is hearing and not just on what each other is saying.
4. Eye Contact: Don’t listen and do something else at the same time. Listen to the feelings that are expressed and not just the content. Verbalize those feelings back to them.
5. Body Language: Let your body show that you are involved in the time of communication.
6. Don’t interrupt: The average person goes 17 seconds before interrupting. Determine not to interrupt.
7. Don’t Defend: Make your goal to be understood, not to defend yourself.
8. Some people are “Dead Seas” while others are “Babbling Brooks.”
a. Dead Sea people have a lot of experiences flowing into them but never communicate them.
b. Babbling Brook people release everything that flows into them. Whatever comes through the ear flows out through the mouth in sixty seconds.
c. Many times a Dead Sea will marry a Babbling Brook and soon become miserable with each other’s personality.
9. Ask yourself the following question: “I feel most loved by my spouse when _______________________.” Filling in this sentence can bring meaning to quality time.
10. Jesus would spend time with His twelve and often draw them aside for a season to spend time with them.
C. Language #3: RECEIVING GIFTS
1. A gift is a symbol of thought. The monetary value does not matter. The gift may be found, bought, or made. It says, “Look, he or she was thinking of me.”
2. Make a list of the things that your spouse has been most excited about over the years and don’t wait for a special occasion to give them another one.
3. If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then you may have to be “delivered” from an inability to spend money. You may feel that spending money is wasting money. However, you are blessing yourself if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.
4. The gift of YOURSELF, or your personal presence, at important times speaks more than a physical gift.
5. Jesus was constantly giving of Himself to the people He ministered to on a daily basis. He often gave to the poor.
D. Language #4: Acts of Service
l. Words of affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for
taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The
flies were going to carry it out for you.”
2. Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”
2. Their acts of service communicate the feeling of “I want to be a blessing in your life!”
3. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would
like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.
3. Jesus served His disciples, thus showing them His love for them (). This does not mean that we have to be a doormat. On the other hand, we must understand that for some partners, what we DO says much more than what we SAY.
4. Quality time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention.
Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and
listening.
E. Language #5: Physical Touch
1. Research shows that babies who are held, touched, and kissed are healthier than those who are not.
5. Physical touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all
expressions of love.
2. The Lord placed nerve sensors in the human body for the purpose of transmitting stimulus to the brain. For many people, it is that physical touch that is their love language.
Out of these five, each of you has a primary love language which speaks more
deeply to you than all the others. Discovering each other’s language and speaking
it regularly is the best way to keep love alive in a marriage.
3. Hugs communicate more than words.
4. A slap or any other form of physical abuse is the most devastating thing that could happen to them.
5. Those who thrive on touch grew up in a “touching:” family.
6. Those who do not have this love language have to work at being physically affectionate.
7. The physical touch love language is different than the sexual drive. Ask yourself, “Do I crave physical touch at other times besides times of sexual intimacy?” The answer will tell you if physical touch is your primary love language.
8. Jesus took children in His arms and John leaned against His breast at the last supper.