Fanning the Flames of Love

Hopefully, you have been enjoying the together time, but it is possible that you have been faced with some challenges. His “peculiarities” may be getting on your nerves. Her 50,000 words may have become more than you had expected. Both of you may be wishing you could have some ‘apart’ time.

Having so much time together may be testing your limits…

Powerful Love

The Bible presents a wonderful picture of relationship between the husband and the wife.

Song of Solomon 8:6–7 NIV

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Solomon describes love with vivid pictures – a seal on the heart, love is ultimately strong, love flashes with fire, and it is unable to be extinguished! In the OT a seal was used to indicate ownership of a person’s valued possessions. The speaker is asking to be his/her most valued possession.

Could you describe your marriage in those terms? If not, I want to point out a few concepts that will help you fan the flames of love.

Helps for Fanning the Flames of Love

I’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs in my devotions, so I thought I’d use some of the advice of King Solomon to help us fan the flames of love in our marriages. Now, remember, the proverbs from this book help us understand general principles to help us in life. In other words, life isn’t always perfect but these are some principles that will really help your marriage enjoy the strength, passion, and joy of love.

Build a ‘Smart’ Home

I love gadgets – Alexa, Portals, Ring, meshed Wifi, and the list goes on. I’m not saying I’m good at it. I still have to ask my now grown-up kids to help me figure things out, but they are fascinating. I like to think about how my home could be a ‘smart’ home. I could see the visitor at the door, monitor the property day and night, turn music and lights on with voice commands – pretty cool. But, I’m a long way off – still trying to remember which one is Siri, Alexa, or Portal.

Men and women, we also need to build ‘Smart’ homes according to Solomon:

Proverbs 24:3–4 NIV

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

Thoughtfulness. Writers Cindy and Steve Wright ask these questions, “What kind of house are you building? Are you building up, or are you helping to tear down your spouse’s spirit? What about the atmosphere of your home? It’s important to look inside and take personal responsibility for your contribution to the atmosphere.”

1. Guys, you have the responsibility of setting the tone of your home. Although it is true that the wife is the heart of the home. Men, you are the head of the home and have the opportunity to establish the tone of the home by your attitudes, your tone of voice, and your actions.

2. I remember during the summers while I was teaching that it was easier to have a second job than take care of the kids. During those years Cindy was working as a certified nurse’s aide and leaving the house at 5:30 in the morning. That left me to feed the kids, clean the kitchen, referee their fights, structure their activities, feed them lunch, and keep the house clean until Cindy got home. It was exhausting. Caring for the kids at home is NOT A DAY OFF! Helping one another in parenting the kids is extremely attractive and one element of being thoughtful about building your home.

3. Finance. I think it is really important for young couples to develop a system for managing their finances. Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey is a really good resource. Another is Robert Morris and his book, Beyond Blessed.

4. Be attractive. From time to time my wife tells me that a pair of shorts or an old favorite shirt of mine needs to be thrown away. There are also times when I dare to speak up and suggest that an outfit of hers just isn’t working for me. Admit it, attraction matters to both the husband and the wife. The “Stay at home” order went into effect in Montgomery County on March 12th. If you are still in your pajamas or sweatpants, haven’t worn make-up since, or haven’t shaved, your marriage may be reflecting it.

Use wisdom to build your home!

Tame Your Tongue

Often when we consider what the Bible has to say about the tongue, we go to the book of James, but James isn’t the only place that we get wisdom. The book of Proverbs offers some very practical advice:

Proverbs 17:14 NIV

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

The commentary for Life Application Study Bible says the following concerning this verse: “Talking about every little irritation or piece of gossip only keeps the fires of anger going. Refusing to discuss them cuts the fuel line and makes the fires die out. Does someone (like your spouse) continually irritate you? Decide not to complain about the person and see if your irritation dies from lack of fuel.”

Proverbs 17:19 NIV

Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.

I learned a new term this week. Counselors call it “right fighting”. It is fighting just to prove that you were right. Be careful of “right fighting.” It is much better to work on and save the relationship. Sometimes by being so intent on proving to your husband/wife that you are “right”, you are actually causing the death of your relationship.

Some people are equipped because of their education or background to be able to present a logical defense even when they are wrong. Lawyers know how to contort logic. Teachers know how to defend actions based on behavioral norms and expectations. DO NOT use your big words to beat up on your spouse just because you don’t want to be wrong. Listen to what your wife or husband is saying and look for the truth that may be there.

Proverbs 16:25 NIV

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

Before I move on to another area of help, here is another gem from the book of Proverbs that tells us what we should be doing:

Proverbs 16:23–24 NIV

The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Unite!

I know what you are thinking, and you should be doing that too! I’m talking about coming to agreement in issues about home responsibilities. I’m going to share a verses just outside the book of Proverbs…

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

…from the NT for this one:

Ephesians 4:2–3 NIV

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Couples don’t typically struggle with one another about deep philosophical issues. It is simpler than that. One partner wants help from the other in areas of parenting.

1. Guys, you also have the responsibility to learn the “why’s” of the home. Why is your child’s behavior inappropriate? Why do you have family devotions? Take the time with your wife to discuss these things and be in agreement with one another.

2. Unity is not sameness. Unity understands that we are not the same but can agree in spite of our differences. Men and women tend to have different needs. The book, His Needs, Her Needs, gives the top 5 needs of men and women.

a. Men's 5 most basic needs from his wife: Sexual fulfillment. Recreational companionship. An attractive spouse. Domestic support. Admiration.

b. Women's 5 most basic needs from her husband: Affection. Conversation. Openness and honesty. Financial security. Family commitment.

If you expect your husband or wife to be just like you and wear matching shirts through life, not likely gonna happen and you will be missing out on the good things that each of you bring into your relationship.

The Results of Our Marriage Welfare Check

Are there some things that could be improved in your relationship? I hope that we never experience another “stay at home” order but we need to be putting our homes in order!

Remember, our goal is to have the excitement and fulfillment that was expressed in our opening passage:

Song of Solomon 8:6–7 NIV

I encourage all of us to take time to talk and pray together. Ask the Lord to give you:

1. Wisdom to build a smart home

2. Self-control to tame our tongues

3. And, Unity in our home to be a strong team.

Looking forward to seeing you next week!

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