Sermon Tone Analysis
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*The Pillars of Community VI: When and How to Confront*
*Matthew 18:15-17*
*/February 1, 2009/*
*Prep: *
· PM p. 17ff, chpt 9, Peacemaker’s Pledge (in leftovers)
· Community III and IV
· Matt 18, Rom 12
*Intro*
The last sermon assumed *common* *ground* and *permission*.
But what do you do when those are not there?
This sermon is borne out of conversations showing that to be the burning question.
· This is about how and when to confront outside of community.
· We don’t always have the *luxury* of permission and community.
We will *begin* by looking at Jesus’ call to be “*peacemaker*” and what it means, and how we tend to be “peace-*fakers*” or “peace-*breakers*” instead.
Then look at a *process* for confronting, drawing from *Matthew 18*.
*Prayer*
*Yucky situations*
We all have *situations* and *relationships* that can accurately be described as “*yucky*.”
Perhaps it is *family* (especially “in-laws”), co-*workers*, or *friends* – “this can’t go on.”
· A *intrusive *in-law, an *overdrinking* friend, *sexist* co-worker.
Q You know that something must be done, but what?
Q How do we *effectively* (not *destructively*) handle the it?
We look to the *Bible* as our *guide*.
In the Beatitudes:
Matt 5:9 ESV “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
· To say that they will be called sons of God is to say that peacemakers *act like* their *daddy*.
Does this mean that we should *ignore* everything for the sake of peace?
No, peace isn’t an *absence* of *open* *hostility*.
A *pass*-*aggressive* house may not have shouting, but there isn’t peace.
· Peace: /Shalom/, *well-being*, personally and interpersonally.
Jesus is saying that children of God bring *genuine* *peace*.
They come into a *situation* and make things *better*, not *worse*.
· The problem is we’re *not so good* at peacemaking – we tend to either *avoid* the issue or *rush* on in with unrighteous anger.
*Peace-faking, breaking, and making*
There’s basically three ways that deal with yucky interpersonal situations: Peace-*faking*, peace-*breaking*, and peace-*making*.
*/1.
/**/Peace-faking: Ignore or Running/*
It’s the “*avoidance*” approach, *ignore* the situation or *run* *away*.
Both are extremely *dangerous*, not to mention *dysfunctional*.
*Ignoring* is perhaps the most *common* *form* of *dysfunction*: Just *pretend* everything is ok.
We go to great lengths to avoid dealing with the unpleasant situation, because we are *afraid*:
1.
Afraid of *losing* the *relationship*.
2. Afraid of them getting *mad* at us.
3. Afraid of *hurting* them.
4. Afraid of being *disapproved* of.
The *problem* is that the *problem* does not *go* *away*, and in fact only gets *worse* because the offender is *implicitly* told his actions are *acceptable*.
The things we *fear still happens*.
*RUNNING AWAY* may mean ending a *FRIENDSHIP*, *QUITTING* a job, *DIVORCE*, or *CHANGING* *CHURCHES*.
Occasionally, running away may be the *only* *option*, but in most cases, it just *postpones* the problem because it doesn’t *address* the *issue*.
· You may be out of the situation, *nothing inside* has changed.
· Pay now, or later with *interest*.
*/2.
/**/Peace-breaking: Winning at all costs/*
This is the “*attack*” response.
It may involve a *verbal* *attack*, *slander* or *gossip* (involving those who shouldn’t be, future sermon), or even *physical* *violence*.
You may *feel* *better* (for a little while), but *they* *don’t*.
This is also known as putting people in their *place*, or *revenge*.
But in the end the *situation* is *worse*.
*/3.
/**/Peacemaking: Seeking true peace /*
What distinguishes true peacemaking is that it *seeks everyone’s best*.
Peace-faking and breaking are ultimately *selfish* choices.
· Faking chooses *tranquility* over their *wellbeing*.
· Breaking chooses *pride* over *love*.
And I think this is perhaps the *big* *point*: Only peacemaking truly *values* the *other* AND you will only be able to be an effective peacemaker *when* you *value* the *other*.
This is certainly the *least* *popular* choice because it is the *hardest* – it is far easier to ignore a situation or change in with guns blazing that to address a problem in a *careful*, *loving*, *grace*-filled manner.
We are called to being peacemakers and living at peace, not just with those *in* *community*, but also those *outside* our *community*.
*Romans 12:17b-18 NIV* Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
“*Everybody*” does not just mean Christians.
That is a tall order, but Paul goes on to *clarify* what he means:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
He is calling us to *live* at *peace* with everyone, being peacemakers (children of God), not fakers or breakers.
Yet he recognizes that it is *not* always *possible*.
*Responsible for ourselves *
Q *Why *isn’t it always possible?
*Free will*.
We cannot hope to get along with everyone, but we can do *our* *part* to be peacemakers.
We are *responsible* for *ourselves*, *not* for *them*.
Ä Now look at the *process* for being peacemakers: How to confront yucky situations *gracefully*, *truthfully*, and *lovingly*.
*A caveat *
Literally *books* have been written on this topic and this is one sermon.
This will be *brief* to the point of *negligence*.
· I almost *changed* *topics* because of this.
If you are have to confront a *really* *bad* *situation*, don’t go run out and make a phone call today.
You will probably have to receive *godly* *counsel* and help, perhaps *professionally*.
The church owns a couple of books that may be helpful:
· How to Have that Difficult Conversation (Cloud and Townsend)
· Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend)
· The Peacemaker (Sande)
· He also has an excellent website: www.peacemaker.net
(be sure not to add an “s” to the end).
*A process*
As we look at how to confront, I want to *pull* *principles* from a passage in Matthew that discusses *church* *discipline*.
To be clear: This passage is *not* *specifically* about personal *confrontation*, it’s about handling sin in the church.
Yet if it works for the church, we can believe the *principles* are *valid*.
*Matthew 18:15-17 * 15 ¶ “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.
If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.
And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
1.
“*/If your brother sins against you.../*”
· The big word here is “if.”
The first step is to *evaluate* the *offence* itself.
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