Un-forgiveness: The Root of Bitterness Part 1
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Intro:
This month we are in a new series entitled A New Heart. Over the next four weeks we are taking a deep dive into the topic of unforgiveness and forgiveness. I believe that God desires for us to live free from unforgiveness and through the power of the Holy Spirit it’s possible.
As I begin the message this morning can we pray and ask God to help us through this series. I know that there is the potential for deep internal conflict during these messages, but I also believe there is the potential of great healing as well.
Let’s Pray!
The Bible has quite a bit to say about forgiveness and unforgiveness. Perhaps the most well-known teaching on unforgiveness is Jesus’ parable of the unmerciful servant, recorded in Matthew 18:21-35. In the parable, a king forgives an enormously large debt (basically one that could never be repaid) of one of his servants.
Later, however, that same servant refuses to forgive the small debt of another man. The king hears about this and rescinds his prior forgiveness. Jesus concludes by saying, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).
Let’s read it together. Matthew 18:21-35.
Every one of us has been hurt by another person’s words or actions. Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday, a close friend betrayed you, you were bullied as a child, someone may have spread lies about you, or your spouse had an affair.
Whether the offense was big or small, it hurts to be wronged. We are all familiar with the gut-wrenching pain that strikes in the pit of our stomachs when we have been mistreated, especially by someone we love.
This pain can leave behind emotional wounds of rejection, fear, betrayal, and insecurity. What I want to share with you today is that just as a physical wound becomes infected if left unattended, so an emotional wound can become contaminated and infected with feelings of resentment, bitterness, and revenge without the healing of forgiveness.
Often, instead of choosing forgiveness, many drink the poison of unforgiveness. Holding on to the hurt or offense. If a person chooses unforgiveness they prepare a path for destruction in their life.
To begin this series I want to take a moment and define what unforgiveness is, and look at its effect in a life.
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Submit:
What is Unforgiveness?
What is Unforgiveness?
Unforgiveness is a state of emotional and mental distress that results from a delayed response in forgiving an offender. It is characterized by anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment, bitterness, and a demand for punishment or restitution.
Christian Counselor Amanda Rowett says,
Unforgiveness creates a domino effect that negatively impacts every part of us, including our emotions, thoughts, behaviors, body, spirit, and relationships. With unforgiveness, time does not heal all wounds ̶ in fact, time further worsens and infects emotional pain.
Unforgiveness is like carrying around a huge weight. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier the burden becomes. In the absence of a timely response, the roots of unforgiveness only go deeper, further entangling us. In sum, feeding on unforgiveness is toxic.
Negative Effects of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness creates an emotional storm of distress in which feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and fear surface.
Unforgiveness also creates a hardened heart. The hardened heart feels anger, resentment, bitterness, and hatred toward the offender. Negative emotions come flooding back when you see the person who hurt you, or when you hear the person’s name. Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
The offense can become all-consuming ̶ to the point where you have lost enjoyment in life and lack direction and purpose.
Unforgiveness takes up a lot of “mental space.” You replay the unfair situation repeatedly. Like an old movie reel, you analyze each clip of the injustice. You may create speeches in your mind, detailing what you will say in a confrontation with the offender. Perhaps you daydream about how to get even. When we dwell on offense, a snowball effect occurs. Not only do we dwell on the current offense, but we also start to unearth and review negative life experiences in the past. We start to feel trapped and consumed by our own negative thoughts, unable to get away from them.
Pain Becomes the Identity of the Unforgiving Person affecting their judgement and perspective about the world and themself. It can become a place where every wrong you encounter becomes a personal offense against you.
Unforgiveness affects our character and integrity as grudges do not bring out the best in us.
Complaining and Gossip might begin with close friends about the person who offended you. Details of the story may become exaggerated, or even tell lies to gain sympathy and supporters. You might mock, accuse, or be quick to start a fight, give the offender the silent treatment, refusing to talk to them or holding them emotionally hostage with a cold attitude and harsh words. You might notice that you continually have thoughts of revenge, lack compassion, and enjoy the offender’s misfortunes.
Unforgiveness also robs us of the full life God intends for us. Rather than promote justice, our unforgiveness festers into bitterness. Hebrews 12:14-15.
In Hebrews 12:14-15 He says, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;”
Seeing the negative affects of unforgiveness reinforces the instruction of God to forgive.
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Apply:
Why did Jesus tell Peter in Matthew 18:21-22 to forgive 70x7 or 490 times in a day? (Read it)
Because Unforgiveness Spreads like Cancer
When left un-confronted it spreads like a cancer, affecting other relationships and situations. For example,
Your spouse or coworkers may be tired of hearing the same story over and over again, leading to an experience of loss in your close relationships.
Friends may avoid you because your bitter attitude is starting to repel them.
Unforgiveness may have made you irritable, causing you to treat others poorly. It is hard to love others when we have hate in our hearts.
Feelings of distrust may make it difficult to connect with friends or family. Causing you to withdraw from people in order to protect yourself from being hurt again.
Did you know that unforgiveness also compromises our physical health?
Research has shown that unforgiveness is connected to high blood pressure, weakened immune systems, reduced sleep, chronic pain, and cardiovascular problems.
Unforgiveness opens the door for satan to take advantage of us through deception. 2 Corinthians 2:5-11.
2 Corinthians 2:5-11 “But if anyone has caused grief, he has not grieved me, but all of you to some extent—not to be too severe. This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow. Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. For to this end I also wrote, that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things. Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.”
I think the most pivotal area unforgiveness affects is our relationship with God. Unforgiveness builds a wall between you and God because it affects your spirit and your soul. It hinders your spiritual growth and fruitfulness. Ephesians 4:17-32.
One last scripture I want you to turn to is Ephesians 4:17-32. (Read it)
God asks us to put off our former ways, and to walk in new life in Christ.
One where we die to ourselves and live alive unto God. When we choose unforgiveness we become disobedient to that new life. The result will leave us feeling spiritually dry and stuck stalled in our spiritual life.
Fear replaces peace that God gives and internal imprisonment replaces freedom in Christ. Unforgiveness removes God from the throne and places us on it. Sitting as judge and jury over another is not our place.
John Bevere in his book the Bait of Satan makes this statement.
“We construct walls when we are hurt to safeguard our hearts and prevent any future wounds. We become selective, denying entry to all we fear will hurt us. We filter out anyone we think owes us something. We withhold access until these people have paid their debts in full. We open our lives only to those we believe are on our side.”
― John Bevere, Bait Of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense
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Closing:
Unforgiveness is a sign that you have been deeply hurt so don’t dismiss it. Many times in my life I have heard of situations where preachers tell people to just get over it. Put it out of your mind. Forget it happened.
Deep hurts don’t just disappear. They have to be addressed. It is necessary to get to the root of the hurt so God can heal it. Healing is on the other side of hurt if we will walk with God through it.
Think of it like an indicator light on the dash of your car. A trauma or offense has caused the check engine light to come on the dashboard of your heart. It is indicating that something is not working correctly. When the light is illuminated we have two options ignore it or address it.
My prayer this morning is that we will trust God to help us walk free from unforgiveness so that we might experience the freedom of forgiveness.
Let’s Pray!
For God to give us the strength to walk free from Unforgiveness.
That the Holy Spirit would begin to do a work in the hearts of people who are bound by unforgiveness. So that we might “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32.