Forgiveness. Forgiveness as an interface concept among the disciplines of psychology, theology, and spiritual growth has blossomed in the 1990s. Many practitioners from various perspectives now explicitly point to forgiveness as a useful clinical concept in both psychotherapy and religious counseling. Conceptual clarification has made great strides. This has led to operational definitions and interventions, and a beginning has been made in collecting empirical data. The pragmatics of using the concept clinically have been much clarified thanks to the myriad of perspectives. This article will proceed from the conceptual to the scientific, then to the pragmatic and clinical.

1. An awareness of emotional pain.

2. A decision to forgive understood as a process.

3. A commitment to work on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as appropriate.

Forgiveness in the NT. In the NT, the concept of the unmerited forgiveness of God is extended, intensified by the death of Christ, offered on our behalf. The human creature is an insolvent debtor (Mt 18:23–35) who has no hope of repayment. Sinners all, we cannot keep the Law or save ourselves (Mk 10:26, 27). This highlights the NT teaching that it is in the person of Christ himself that there is forgiveness. He alone has the power to forgive sins (Mk 2:5, 7, 10). It is his death that is redemptive (Mt 26:28; Mk 10:45) and his blood that is the basis of a new covenant (1 Cor 11:25). It is through him that one can enter into the living experience of forgiveness (Heb 9:15, 22). So forgiveness is inseparable from the proclamation of Jesus Christ (Acts 13:38; Eph 1:7; Col 1:14; 1 Jn 2:12).

There are other distinctively NT concepts of forgiveness. The Greek word charizomai, meaning “to forgive sins,” is distinctively developed by Paul in terms of God’s gracious pardon (2 Cor 2:7; 12:13; Eph 4:32; Col 2:13; 3:13). Sin is considered as a debt, and aphesis denotes the discharge of a debt (“putting it away,” Lk 6:37). Forgiveness is also treated as remission, paresis, (“passing over”). God has not executed the full retribution called for by sin (Acts 14:16; 17:30); instead, he has shown mercy.

Yet the NT speaks of two limitations to forgiveness. One is the unpardonable sin (Mt 12:31, 32; Mk 3:28–30; Lk 12:10). In this regard Christ speaks of those, who like the Pharisees, are so warped in their moral judgments that they cannot distinguish between acts of Satan and the good deeds of Christ. There is also “the sin against the Holy Ghost” (1 Jn 5:16) that is “sin unto death.” This sin is not specifically defined, but its essence seems to be consistent rejection of the grace of God.

The ethics of forgiveness in the NT insists not only on penitence as a condition for forgiveness (2 Cor 7:10), but also on the need to forgive others (Mt 6:14, 15). If in the midst of receiving forgiveness one does not forgive others, it is a clear sign that repentance is not complete. “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Col 3:13). Several times in his parables, the Lord insists that the readiness to forgive others is a sign of true repentance (Mt 18:23–35; Lk 6:37). So Christ taught that to forgive is a duty, and no limits can be set on it. It must be granted without reserve, even to seventy times seven (Mt 18:21, 22). Forgiveness is part of the mutual relationship of believers: since all are dependent upon God’s forgiveness, all are required to forgive one another.

The Christian Experience of Forgiveness. The Christian understanding of forgiveness has broad implications.

1. It reflects the character of God as one who pardons and enters into a meaningful relationship with his creature, producing a change in human relationship with him. This has been done in the costly anguish of the cross of Christ.

2. It expresses the efficacy of divine atonement in the reconciliation of man with God. Those who truly realize their condition as sinners know that God can remove sin and redeem sinners. This must be experienced, not just comprehended intellectually. In Christ’s death, sin is condemned and absolutely judged, and yet Christ bears the penalty on our behalf by his sacrifice.

3. For the apostle Paul the bare concept of forgiveness did not convey deeply enough the full consequences. Instead, he speaks of being justified. To be “treated as righteous” is a rich consequence of forgiveness (Rom 4:5), a gift of God’s grace (3:24), a present experience (1 Cor 4:4) for those who have a faith relationship with Christ (Rom 3:26). Thus justification is the positive relationship that forgiveness provides.

4. Forgiveness implies that God has reconciled man to himself (Eph 2:14–17). The outcome is peace with God (Phil 4:7; Col 3:15), a reconciliation accomplished by the cross (Col 1:20). This is the implication of all the references to being justified, reconciled, and trusting in Romans 5. It also includes the idea of divine sonship (Mt 5:9, 44; Jn 1:12).

5. Forgiveness includes the theme of fellowship with God the Father (1 Thes 1:3), Son (1 Cor 1:9), and Holy Spirit (2 Cor 13:14). It is expressed in the Pauline phrase “in Christ” or “in the Lord” (used some 164 times), indicating a profound relationship of communion and union with God. Forgiveness as reconciliation and restoration to fellowship with God comprehends, in effect, the whole nature of the Christian life. Sanctification is its fruit, and glorification is its objective. In forgiveness, God ultimately remains God, and the erring sinner is brought home to the Father who has eternally loved him.

A. What Is Forgiveness?

Assume you need to borrow one hundred dollars to help pay a medical bill. You ask a friend for a loan and promise to pay it back at the end of the month. But when the time comes for repayment, you don’t have the money. In fact, for the next three months, you still don’t have the money. Then unexpectedly, out of the kindness of his heart, your friend chooses to “forgive” the debt! This is one facet of forgiveness. The Bible says, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another” (Romans 13:8).

• Forgiveness means dismissing a debt.3

In the New Testament, the Greek noun aphesis denotes a “dismissal” or “release.”4

— When you grant forgiveness, you dismiss the debt owed to you.

— When you receive forgiveness, your debt is dismissed. (You are released from any requirement for repayment.)

— When you grant forgiveness, you dismiss the debt from your thoughts.

Jesus expressed the heart of forgiveness when He said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Luke 6:27).

• Forgiveness is dismissing your demand that others owe you something, especially when they fail to meet your expectations … fail to keep a promise … fail to treat you justly.

Jesus said, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39).

• Forgiveness is dismissing, canceling, or setting someone free from the consequence of falling short of God’s standard.

— The holy standard of God is perfection, yet we all have sinned.

— The penalty for our sins is spiritual death (separation from God).

— The penalty for our sins (our debt) was paid by Jesus through His sacrificial death on the cross. Therefore, instead of being separated from God, we can have our debt dismissed by God and experience eternal life in heaven.

“Everyone who believes in him [Jesus] receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”

(Acts 10:43)

QUESTION: “Is it possible to sin beyond God’s ability to forgive?”

ANSWER: No. God promises to purify us from all unrighteousness, not just specific sins, but we need to first confess our sins. (Confess means literally “to agree”—to agree with God.)5 And if we agree with God about our sin, we not only admit we have sinned, but we also turn from our sins and turn to Jesus, entrusting our lives to the One who died for our sins.

“I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”

(Psalm 32:5)

B. What Is Forgiveness Not?6

Misconceptions abound when the word forgiveness is mentioned. Some think forgiveness is the equivalent of excusing sin … saying that what was wrong is now right. Yet this is not the example of forgiveness that Jesus displayed. When He encountered the mob of men eager to stone a woman caught in adultery, He chose not to stone her; however, never did He excuse her. Instead, He said, “Go, and sin no more” (John 8:11 KJV). To help correct any confusion, you need to know what forgiveness is not!

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.”

(Proverbs 1:5)

• Forgiveness is not circumventing God’s justice.…

— It is allowing God to execute His justice in His time and in His way.

• Forgiveness is not waiting for “time to heal all wounds.” …

— It is clear that time doesn’t heal wounds—some people will not allow healing.

• Forgiveness is not letting the guilty “off the hook.” …

— It is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.

• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.…

— It takes two for reconciliation, only one for forgiveness.

• Forgiveness is not excusing unjust behavior.…

— It is acknowledging that unjust behavior is without excuse, while still forgiving.

• Forgiveness is not explaining away the hurt.…

— It is working through the hurt.

• Forgiveness is not based on what is fair.…

— It was not “fair” for Jesus to hang on the cross—but He did so that we could be forgiven.

• Forgiveness is not being a weak martyr.…

— It is being strong enough to be Christlike.

• Forgiveness is not stuffing your anger.…

— It is resolving your anger by releasing the offense to God.

• Forgiveness is not a natural response.…

— It is a supernatural response, empowered by God.

• Forgiveness is not denying the hurt.…

— It is feeling the hurt and releasing it.

• Forgiveness is not being a doormat.…

— It is seeing that, if this were so, Jesus would have been the greatest doormat of all!

• Forgiveness is not conditional.…

— It is unconditional, a mandate from God to everyone.

• Forgiveness is not forgetting.…

— It is necessary to remember before you can forgive.

• Forgiveness is not a feeling.…

— It is a choice—an act of the will.

A loose woman was caught “in the act,” and the stone throwers were ready. The penalty for adultery was clear—stone the adulterers to death! Jesus challenged the stone throwers to examine their own hearts before condemning the woman’s behavior. “The one who is without sin—you cast the first stone.” No one moved. Then, after all the stones dropped—one by one—and the stone throwers left—one by one—Jesus focused His attention on the woman. He looked beyond her fault and saw her need. She needed to know the life-changing love of God. Unexpectedly, Jesus gave her a priceless gift—His merciful favor and forgiveness. (See John 8:3–11.)

“ ‘Neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’ ”

(John 8:11)

QUESTION: “If I don’t feel like forgiving, how can I be asked to forgive? That doesn’t seem right.”

ANSWER: Forgiveness is not based on a feeling, but rather on the fact that we—all of us—are called by God to forgive. Forgiveness is not an emotion, but is rather an act of the will. Therefore, what “seems right” based on feelings can easily be wrong!

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

(Proverbs 14:12)

C. What Does It Mean to Forgive Others?

Imagine that you are a runner and the race is an event in the Olympics. You have the right shoes, right shorts, right shirt. Yet, something is desperately wrong. Locked on your ankle is a heavy, black ball and chain! This weight is too heavy—you can’t run the distance—you can’t even qualify. If only you could figure out a way to free yourself … but you don’t have the key to unlock the chain.

Then, on the day of the qualifying run, you are told that you already possess the key to freedom. Quickly, you free yourself, and, oh, what freedom! It is as though that black ball miraculously turns into a big helium balloon. The load is lifted.… The balloon is released.… The weight is “sent away.” Previously, no one had told you that your unforgiveness was the black ball weighing you down. Now that you know that forgiveness is one of the major keys to freedom, you can run the race … and cross the finish line with freedom.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

(Hebrews 12:1)

• To forgive means to release your resentment toward your offender.

In the New Testament, the Greek verb aphiemi primarily means “to send away”—in other words, “to forgive, send away or release the penalty when someone wrongs you.”7 This implies that you need …

— To release your right to hear “I’m sorry”

— To release your right to be bitter

— To release your right to get even

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.”

(Romans 12:17)

• To forgive is to release your rights regarding the offense.

— To release your right to dwell on the offense

— To release your right to hold on to the offense

— To release your right to keep bringing up the offense

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

(Proverbs 17:9)

• To forgive is to reflect the character of Christ. Just as God is willing to forgive us, we are called to forgive others.

— To forgive is to extend mercy.

— To forgive is to give a gift of grace.

— To forgive is to set the offender free.

Jesus taught his disciples to pray,

“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”

(Matthew 6:12)

QUESTION: “What can I do when I don’t feel like forgiving?”

ANSWER: Whenever you don’t feel like doing something you should do, examine your thoughts. While you can’t control what your offenders do, you can control your thinking about your offenders. God gives us much counsel about what we should sift out from our thinking. Imagine that the Bible is a “thought-sifter”—a tool that helps us sift the thoughts that should not go into our minds. Evaluate your thoughts about those who offend you. Remember: Your thoughts produce your feelings. Do your thoughts naturally flow through “the thought-sifter” in Scripture below? If not, catch them before they pass through and sift them out! When you carefully choose what you will dwell on, your emotions will begin to line up, and you will gradually even feel like forgiving.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

(Philippians 4:8)

D. Is Forgiveness the Same as Reconciliation?8

No. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness focuses on the offense, whereas reconciliation focuses on the relationship. Forgiveness requires no relationship. However, reconciliation requires a relationship in which two people, in agreement, are walking together toward the same goal. The Bible says,

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”

(Amos 3:3)

• Forgiveness can take place with only one person.

— Reconciliation requires at least two persons.

• Forgiveness is directed one-way.

— Reconciliation is reciprocal … occurring two-ways.

• Forgiveness is a decision to release the offender.

— Reconciliation is the effort to rejoin the offender.

• Forgiveness involves a change in thinking about the offender.

— Reconciliation involves a change in behavior by the offender.

• Forgiveness is a free gift to the one who has broken trust.

— Reconciliation is a restored relationship based on restored trust.

• Forgiveness is extended even if it is never, ever earned.

— Reconciliation is offered to the offender because it has been earned.

• Forgiveness is unconditional, regardless of a lack of repentance.

— Reconciliation is conditional based on repentance.

QUESTION: “After we forgive someone, must we also try to be reconciled?”

ANSWER: The answer to this question is sometimes yes and sometimes no.

• Most of the time God’s desire for us is reconciliation. Second Corinthians 5:18 says, “God … reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.”

• However, sometimes encouraging the restoration of a relationship is not at all wise, as with a partner in adultery or with a rapist. First Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ ” For instance, if a husband’s anger is out of control and he refuses to get help for his violent temper, the wife needs to take this Scripture to heart and move out of harm’s way until counseling and lasting changes are a part of his lifestyle.

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.”

(Proverbs 22:24)

E. What Is Divine Forgiveness?

Do you sometimes struggle with forgiving others? Understand that your awareness of how much God loves you and continually forgives you can be the catalyst to compel you to forgive others. Then you can actually forgive others with the Lord’s “divine forgiveness.”

“The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.”

(Daniel 9:9)

• Divine forgiveness is the fact that God, in His mercy, chose to release you from the penalty for your sins. (Unfortunately, some people refuse to receive this gift from God.)

“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.… He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.… As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:8, 10, 12)

• Divine forgiveness was extended by Jesus, who paid the penalty for our sins in full—He died on the cross as payment for the sins of all people. While we owed a debt we could not pay, He paid a debt He did not owe.

One of the many Messianic prophecies states, “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him [Christ, the Messiah] the iniquity of us all” (Isaiah 53:6).

• Divine forgiveness is an extension of grace as seen in the Greek word charizomai, which is translated “forgive” and means “to bestow a favor unconditionally.”9 The Greek word charis means “grace.”10 You are an expression of God’s grace when you forgive others with divine forgiveness.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

BIBLICAL EXAMPLE

Joseph and His Brothers11

What could erupt in more resentment than friction within the family? Joseph is a prime example of someone who could have chosen to be vindictive, rather than forgiving. (See Genesis chapters 37–45.) He is the favorite son of his father, Jacob. Joseph’s ten older brothers are so bitter and jealous that they sell him into slavery. Later, he is falsely accused of attempted rape, unjustly imprisoned, and forgotten by a friend who promised to help. Joseph has every reason to sever ties with his family, vent hatred on humanity, and slam the door on God … but he doesn’t.12

Later when Joseph becomes the prime minister of Egypt, severe famine plagues the land. But through God’s involvement with Joseph, Egypt is well prepared. When his brothers hear of Egypt’s abundance, they make a long journey from Canaan in order to obtain food. While in Egypt they encounter their brother Joseph, who they had thought was dead but has now become the prime minister! What an opportunity for Joseph to take revenge! But instead of settling the score, Joseph speaks kindly to them and recounts the way God used their treatment of him for his good, for their good, and for the good of the Jewish people.…

“Do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.… To preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.… He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt.”

(Genesis 45:5–8)

Even though Joseph had been tossed into the deepest of pits, he emerged with extraordinary forgiveness toward those who wronged him. What was his secret?

THE SECRET TO JOSEPH’S SUCCESS

• “Do not be distressed and do not be angry.”

— When you realize that God, in His sovereignty, will bring good out of the wrongs done to you … you will have an attitude of forgiveness.

• “God sent me.”

— When you realize that God, in His sovereignty, will use your location (wherever you are placed) for good … you will have an attitude of forgiveness.

• “He made me.”

— When you realize that God, in His sovereignty, will make your every circumstance result in good … you will have an attitude of forgiveness.

• Conclusion:

— When you are able to accept God’s sovereignty over your location, your circumstances, and especially the wrongs done to you, and when you trust Him to use them one day for good … you will have success through your forgiveness!

“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

(Romans 8:28)

QUESTION: “How can I respond in a Christlike way when I’m being treated so unjustly?”13

ANSWER: Realize that Christ suffered unjustly and horrendously to pay the penalty for your sins—to make possible forgiveness of your sins. Therefore, after you become a true Christian, you rely on Christ (who lives in you) to enable you to endure your unjust suffering … but even more so, to forgive those who mistreat you. Be clear about this point—every authentic Christian is “called” to suffer, but with that suffering comes a blessing.

“It is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God.… To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. ‘He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’ When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

(1 Peter 2:19–23)

II. CHARACTERISTICS OF UNFORGIVENESS

Here stands the enemy, the former Nazi SS officer. His very presence stands for cruelty and the stench of crematoriums at Ravensbruck. As Corrie ten Boom stares at the rough hand offered by her former captor, she knows in her head what she has to do—forgive! But her emotions scream silently in opposition. The very message she has been sharing with the victims of Nazi brutality emphasizes that she must forgive those who persecuted her. Forgiveness is a necessity. But Corrie stands paralyzed as the battle rages between her mind and her emotions.

And I stood there—I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven—and could not forgive. [My sister] Betsie had died in that place—could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?14

Imagine Corrie’s dilemma. She knows that those who have forgiven their enemies have also been able to rebuild their lives regardless of the physical horrors they suffered. But those who continue to nurse their bitterness remain imprisoned … not in Hitler’s horrid concentration camps … but within their own wounded souls. Corrie knows the cost of bitterness—the very bitterness she is battling—because the Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

A. Why Should We Get Rid of Unforgiveness?

When you refuse to forgive, your unforgiveness keeps you emotionally stuck to both the offense and the offender. A continual refusal to forgive digs a deeper hole in which you can easily hide your hardened heart. Blaming others is a favorite tactic to justify unforgiveness. You can become too comfortable in the unnatural habitat of self-righteousness and self-pity. Your past hurts, though buried, are still very much alive. And because they are not released in God’s way, oddly enough, you become like your offender (but you are blind to it). Not forgiving your offender is an offense to God, thereby making you an offender to God as well! The Bible says to confess and renounce this sin.…

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

(Proverbs 28:13)

THE UNFORGIVING HEART IS …

THE UNFORGIVING HEART HAS …

• Judgmental—focusing on the past wrongs that the offender committed

• Condemnation—being intolerant of any present failures of the offender

“Do not judge.… Do not condemn.… Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

(Luke 6:37)

• Merciless—rehearsing the reasons why the offender does not deserve mercy

• Contempt—looking down without mercy on the offender

“Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!”

(James 2:13)

• Resentful—begrudging the successes of the offender

• Envy—coveting the accomplishments of the offender

“Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.”

(Job 5:2)

• Vengeful—rejoicing when the offender experiences failure, difficulty, or hurt

• Retaliation—desiring to get even with the offender

“Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice.”

(Proverbs 24:17)

• Maligning—talking to others about the faults of the offender with the intent to hurt

• Slander—sharing unnecessary negatives about the offender

“He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.”

(Proverbs 10:18)

• Prideful—elevating self above the offender, who is considered less deserving

• Haughtiness—acting with arrogance toward the offender

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

(Proverbs 16:18)

• Profane—verbally abusive toward the offender

• Bitterness—harboring hostility toward the offender

“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”

(Romans 3:14)

• Complaining—and quick to quarrel over personal choices, words, and deeds

• Resistance—arguing about any advice or constructive criticism regarding the offender

“Do everything without complaining or arguing.”

(Philippians 2:14)

• Impatient—exhibiting little patience while being easily provoked

• Annoyance—feeling easily irritated by the offender

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

(Proverbs 19:11)

• Bitter—feeling weighed down with unresolved anger

• Negativity—feeling no joy and no approval concerning the offender

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”

(Proverbs 14:10)

Because of unforgiveness, the offended person becomes spiritually dry—trying to feel connected with God but lacking spiritual growth. As a direct result of unforgiveness, the offender’s prayer life is blocked.

“If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:15)

QUESTION: “How can I forgive someone who has not apologized or shown any kind of repentance?”

ANSWER: Forgiveness has nothing to do with repentance. Forgiveness is not based on what the offender does or deserves, but rather on giving the gift of grace to your offender—a gift that is not deserved. The real question is: “Do you want to be Christlike?” When Jesus was being crucified on the cross, His enemies had neither apologized nor repented, yet He extended His heart of forgiveness by praying,

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

(Luke 23:34)

QUESTION: “If I forgive those who offend me, I’ll be a classic enabler. Why should offenders change if there is no consequence for their offensive behavior?”

ANSWER: Forgiveness is not enablement. If a man borrows money from you and later refuses to repay you, still you should forgive him. Release both him, as well as the offense, to God … for your sake, if for no other, so that you do not become bitter. But you should not enter into another monetary relationship with him. Do not give irresponsible people more opportunities to be irresponsible with you. Enabling others means that by not establishing a boundary or by not having a consequence for when others violate a boundary, you enable them to continue in their bad behavior.

• Enablement puts you in a position of being offended again and again.

• Enabling never helps offenders change, but further ingrains their bad habits. However, one “consequence” to your offenders is that they will not have other opportunities to “use you” or offend you again.

• Enablers are classic people-pleasers who do not say no when they should say no. If you say yes to irresponsible people when you should say no, you are actually saying no to Christ. The apostle Paul said,

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

(Galatians 1:10)

B. What Does the Forgiving Heart Look Like?

When the Spirit of Christ is rooted within you, He produces fruit consistent with the character of Christ. The moment you entrust your life to Jesus, you are “sealed” with the Holy Spirit, who dwells within you for the rest of your life. (See Ephesians 1:13–14.) Just as orange trees produce oranges and banana trees produce bananas, the Spirit of Christ produces the character of Christ in a Christian. Therefore, the next time you are wronged, allow the Holy Spirit the freedom to produce His fruit of forgiveness in you.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

(Galatians 5:22–23)

THE FORGIVING HEART IS …

THE FORGIVING HEART HAS …

• Loving—not keeping a record of the bad things the offender has done

• A loving spirit, allowing the possibility that the offender can change

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

(1 Peter 4:8)

• Joyous—taking to heart the goodness of God and His sovereignty over all events in life, even the painful ones

• A joyful awareness that God will use trials to bring triumph

“I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through … the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.”

(Philippians 1:18–19)

• Peaceful—seeking to resolve any difficulty, hurt, or division and wanting the offender to be right with God and to be blessed by Him

• A peaceful demeanor that lowers the guard of the offender and paves the way for reconciliation

“Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”

(James 3:18)

• Patient—accepting that the offender is not “fixed in cement” and could possibly change

• A patient commitment to wait for the right day to deal with difficulties and the right time to talk about them

“Love is patient.”

(1 Corinthians 13:4)

• Kind—looking for and acting in practical ways to express kind deeds and to meet needs

• A kind deed on behalf of the offender that is unexpected, unforeseen, and unannounced

“A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.”

(Proverbs 11:17)

• Good—holding to moral principles and purity even in the midst of controversy

• A good heart, reflecting the highest moral character—the character of Christ

“Give an answer.… Do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”

(1 Peter 3:15–16)

• Faithful—praying that those who have caused such pain might have changed lives

• A faithful commitment to pray for those who have been hurtful

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

(Romans 12:12)

• Gentle—taking into account the woundedness of the offender and responding to harshness with a calm gentleness

• A gentle response, which understands that often “hurt people hurt people”

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

(Proverbs 15:1)

• Self-controlled—deciding ahead of time how to respond when conflict arises

• A controlled response that is Christlike so that, no matter what is said or done, there is a positive attitude toward the offender

“Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled.”

(1 Peter 1:13)

QUESTION: “How do I know whether I have genuinely forgiven someone?”

ANSWER: After someone has offended you, you can test the “quality” of your forgiveness by asking yourself the following questions:

• “Do I still expect my offender ‘to pay’ for the wrong done to me?”

• “Do I still have bitter feelings toward my offender?”

• “Do I still have vengeful thoughts toward my offender?”

To forgive someone does not in any way mean that you do not want justice, but it simply means that you are leaving the offense entirely in God’s hands. You are refusing to harbor hateful feelings toward your offender. Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing process which requires that you choose to forgive every time the offense comes to mind … and that you choose to pray for the offender every time the offense crosses your mind.

“Far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.”

(1 Samuel 12:23)

C. The High Cost of Unforgiveness15 versus the High Reward of Forgiveness

Carrying around unforgiveness is like carrying a sack of cement all day long. If you hold unforgiveness in your heart, you are walking around with a weight that God never intended you to carry. Unforgiveness becomes a burden, and Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

(1 Peter 5:7)

UNFORGIVENESS

FORGIVENESS

• Unforgiveness blocks the door to salvation and God’s forgiveness.

• Forgiveness opens the door to salvation and God’s forgiveness.

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:14–15)

• Unforgiveness allows a root of bitterness to grow.

• Forgiveness keeps a root of bitterness from growing.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

• Unforgiveness opens a door to Satan in our lives.

• Forgiveness closes a door to Satan in our lives.

“I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

(2 Corinthians 2:10–11)

• Unforgiveness causes us to walk in darkness.

• Forgiveness brings us into the light.

“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness.… Whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.”

(1 John 2:9–11)

• Unforgiveness is of Satan.

• Forgiveness is of God.

“If you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts.… Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.”

(James 3:14–15)

• Unforgiveness reflects a godless heart.

• Forgiveness reflects a godly heart.

“The godless in heart harbor resentment.”

(Job 36:13)

• Unforgiveness makes us captive to sin.

• Forgiveness frees us.

“I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”

(Acts 8:23)

• Unforgiveness grieves the Spirit of God.

• Forgiveness is empowered by the Spirit of God.

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

(Ephesians 4:30–31)

III. CAUSES OF UNFORGIVENESS

Amazingly, the Ten Boom’s little home became the hub of the underground network. From their secret hiding place, the fingers of the underground reached into the farthest corners of Holland. As those of the Ten Boom family lived their double lives, they shuffled the hunted Jews into their one-room hiding place for sometimes up to two weeks, while members of the underground sought to slip the stowaways out of the country to safety.

Meanwhile, Corrie lived with the constant fear that they could be caught … and with reason. The family was betrayed by a fellow watchmaker whom Corrie’s father had trained a few years earlier. As a result of this treachery, Corrie never embraced her father again nor delighted in the presence of her beloved sister Betsie. How could Corrie not be consumed with bitterness toward this “friend” who betrayed them? She suffered the severity of these words …

“Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.”

(Psalm 41:9)

A. Why Is It So Difficult to Forgive?

People fail to forgive others for a variety of reasons. For example, when you have been deeply offended by a friend, forgiveness can make you feel emotionally “flat.” In contrast, withholding forgiveness can make you feel emotionally pumped. Therefore, you may refuse to forgive the friend who offended you because of pride.16 The Bible states it this way …

“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city.”

(Proverbs 18:19)

BARRIERS TO FORGIVENESS17

• No modeling of forgiveness from parents

— “I don’t know how to forgive.”

• Denying that the offense ever occurred

— “I don’t want to think about it.”

• Fearing to hold the guilty accountable

— “It’s really all my fault.” (This kind of thinking short-circuits the reality and the pain of being wronged.)

• Not feeling that you can forgive yourself

— “No mercy for me—no mercy for you.”

• Not being forgiven for your past offenses

— “They didn’t forgive me—why should I forgive them?”

• Not understanding God’s forgiveness

— “God will never forgive me—I will never forgive her.”

• Believing that bitterness is a required response to betrayal

— “God knows that my feelings are normal.”

• Thinking that forgiveness is excusing unjust behavior

— “I’m not about to say that what she did was okay!”

• Requiring an apology or show of repentance

— “He shouldn’t be forgiven because he’s not really sorry.”

• Feeling a sense of power by hanging on to unforgiveness

— “He needs to see how wrong he is!”

• Refusing to turn loose of revenge

— “He should pay for what he’s done.”

• Harboring a prideful, hardened heart that becomes a spiritual stronghold

— “I refuse to forgive.”

“Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.”

(Proverbs 28:14)

QUESTION: “What should I do if I don’t want to reap the damaging results of unforgiveness?”

ANSWER: Choose to change your thinking and consciously ask God to soften your heart so that you will be willing to forgive. Unforgiveness can turn into an emotional stronghold that can damage many areas of your life. You do have control of what you dwell on. That is why the Bible says we are to …

“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

(2 Corinthians 10:5)

B. How Does the Need for Justice Contribute to Unforgiveness?

We feel outraged when justice is denied. Thus, the cry for justice is common from everyone … everyone except the guilty person waiting to receive justice! Then the cry is not for justice, but for mercy.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.”

(Psalm 51:1)

But why is the need for justice so strong and natural, and why is forgiveness so difficult and unnatural?

Three reasons:

• God has instilled within every human heart a sense of right and wrong; therefore, we feel a need for justice when we are wronged.

“The requirements of the law are written on their hearts [on the hearts of even the heathen].” (Romans 2:15)

• Based on the law, forgiveness seems inappropriate and unnatural.

“Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” (Deuteronomy 19:21)

• Because God is a God of justice, somebody has to pay. That Somebody was Jesus. The death of Jesus on the cross fufilled the justice of God. (See Romans 3:25–26.) In the same way that God needed to have His justice satisfied by Jesus’ dying on the cross, shouldn’t we expect justice before we extend mercy and forgiveness?

The truth is that although everyone must face God’s justice, Jesus was the payment for everyone’s wrongs. While governments execute justice, individually we are to extend mercy. We are to leave individual justice to God. The Bible exhorts us to …

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:36)

C. How Is a Spiritual Stronghold Developed?

In a military war, if your enemy gains a “foothold,” that means your enemy has gained some of your ground.… Your enemy has taken some of your territory. Now, with that foothold, your foe has a secure base from which there can be further advance.

If you have been hurt and as a result harbor anger in your heart, realize that your unresolved anger can be a foothold for the enemy. The Bible says,

“ ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

(Ephesians 4:26–27)!

THE DEVELOPMENT OF A SPIRITUAL STRONGHOLD

#1 When you refuse to forgive your offender, you have unresolved anger.

#2 Unresolved anger, in turn, allows Satan to set up a stronghold in your mind.

#3 This stronghold is a fortified place from which “flaming arrows of the evil one” are flung (Ephesians 6:16).

#4 These flaming arrows of accusation and unforgiveness can continue to burn in your heart and keep you mentally captive to do the enemy’s will.

At this point you are engaged in spiritual warfare. In order to win the spiritual war, recognize that the battle for freedom is fought in your mind. You need to take captive every thought of unforgiveness and release your unresolved anger to God.

“You must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

(Colossians 3:8)

The following spiritual warfare prayer will help you to honestly confront and release your anger to God and thereby rid yourself of such damaging habits.

SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER

“Dear Heavenly Father,

• “I don’t want to be defeated in my life. Thank You that Jesus, who lives in me, is greater than Satan, who is in the world. (Read 1 John 4:4.)

• “I know I have been bought with the price of Christ’s blood, which was shed at Calvary. My body is not my own—it belongs to Christ. (Read 1 Corinthians 6:19–20.)

• “Right now, I refuse all thoughts that are not from You. (Read 2 Corinthians 10:3–5.)

• “I choose to forgive those who have hurt me, and I choose to release all of my pain and anger into Your hands. (Read Colossians 3:13.)

• “I resist Satan and all his power. (Read James 4:7.)

• “As I stand in the full armor of God, I ask You to bind Satan and his demonic forces from having any influence over me. (Read Ephesians 6:11.)

• “From now on, with the shield of faith, I will deflect and defeat every unforgiving thought that could defeat me. (Read Ephesians 6:16.)

• “And I yield my life to Your plan and Your purpose. (Read Jeremiah 29:11.)

In the holy name of Jesus I pray. Amen.”

D. Can You Be Totally Forgiven by God?

You can’t truly forgive others until you have God’s forgiveness in your own life. Of all the world’s religions, only the Bible teaches that God forgives sin completely.18 God is ready to forgive each and every one of our offenses. Yet, many refuse His forgiveness because they don’t understand mercy and grace. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve (forgiveness and heaven). Mercy is not getting what you do deserve (unforgiveness and hell). Right now, God wants to show you His mercy and grace. Through Jesus Christ, God wants to give you His forgiveness—forgiveness that is found only in a secure relationship with Him.

HOW CAN YOU FIND GOD’S FORGIVENESS?

#1 God’s Purpose for You … is Salvation.

— What was God’s motive in sending Christ to earth? To condemn you?

No … to express His love for you by saving you!

“God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:16–17)

— What was Jesus’ purpose in coming to earth? To make everything perfect and to remove all sin?

No … to forgive your sins, empower you to have victory over sin, and enable you to live a fulfilled life!

“I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

#2 Your Problem … is Sin.

— What exactly is sin?

Sin is living independently of God’s standard—knowing what is right, but choosing wrong.

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” (James 4:17)

— What is the major consequence of sin?

Spiritual death, spiritual separation from God.

“The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)

#3 God’s Provision for You … is the Savior.

— Can anything remove the penalty for sin?

Yes. Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

— What is the solution to being separated from God?

Belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father.

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’ ” (John 14:6)

#4 Your Part … is Surrender.

— Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your “good works” as a means of gaining God’s approval.

“It is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8–9)

— Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.

“Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?’ ” (Matthew 16:24–26)