Forgiveness Part 5,6,7.

Forgiving and forgiveness a Process By which we must Abide.

Baker Encyclopedia of the Bible Repentance

Repentance. Literally a change of mind, not about individual plans, intentions, or beliefs, but rather a change in the whole personality from a sinful course of action to God. Such a change is sometimes referred to as “evangelical repentance,” since it arises out of the proclamation of God’s grace to the sinner and the correlative work of the Holy Spirit in the new birth (Jn 3:5–8). Such a change is the fruit of Christ’s victory over death—a gift bestowed as a result of his exaltation to his Father’s right hand as Prince and Savior (Acts 5:31).

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness What Can You Expect Now?

“In him [Jesus] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.”

(Ephesians 1:7–8)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness What Can You Expect Now?

QUESTION: “I know God has forgiven me of my sins, but how do I forgive myself?”

ANSWER: Have you ever considered that being unwilling to forgive what God has forgiven is discrediting God’s gift of mercy toward you? It is placing yourself as a higher judge than God Himself. It is saying:

• “God, you are wrong in forgiving me because I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

• “Christ’s sacrifice on the cross must not be sufficient to cleanse me of my sins.”

• “Something else must be done to make up for what is lacking in Jesus’ sacrifice.”

While not forgiving yourself may make you feel like you are being humble before God, realize that in such a situation your focus is not on God but on yourself. Humility is bowing your knee to God and submitting to His authority and His right to declare righteous whomever He chooses. After all, who are you to overrule God? Since Satan is an “accuser” of Christians (Revelation 12:10), when you continue blaming yourself, you align yourself with Satan, whose goal is to keep you feeling defeated. Instead, humbly thank God for His undeserved mercy. Thank Him for His undeserved grace and live in His undeserved forgiveness.

“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.”

(Titus 3:5)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness E. What Is the Root Cause of Unforgiveness?

E. What Is the Root Cause of Unforgiveness?

Everyone has been created with three God-given needs—the needs for love, for significance, and for security.19 Many people who have been hurt feel insignificant and powerless; therefore, they try to get their need for significance met by withholding forgiveness. Unforgiveness gives them a sense of power and superiority.

If you were ever betrayed by a friend, for a time you may have felt powerless to stop the pain. Since no one likes to feel powerless, unforgiveness provides an illusion of power. By refusing to forgive, you feel a sense of power. By holding on to hatred, you feel infused with strength. By retaliating with revenge, you carry out a power play.

• WRONG BELIEF: “It’s natural for me to resent those who have wronged me. If I forgive them, they will get away with it. My offenders need to pay for the wrongs committed against me.”

RESULT: This belief reflects an attitude of pride that sets you up as a judge higher than God Himself—God, who is willing to forgive and forget.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” (Isaiah 43:25)

• RIGHT BELIEF: “Because God has totally forgiven me, I can release my resentment and choose to forgive others. I will rely on Christ, who is living within me, to forgive through me.”

RESULT: This belief reflects a heart of humility that results in a desire to forgive others in the same way God forgives you.

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14–15)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

THE PARABLE OF THE UNMERCIFUL SERVANT

Jesus told a parable about a servant who owed the king ten thousand talents (about $50,000,000 today). The king ordered that the servant and his family be sold—literally—along with all that they had. The servant fell on his knees begging for mercy, “I will pay back everything.” The king extended mercy and forgave the entire debt.

• The king represents our heavenly Father, who forgives all of our debt of sin when we sincerely come to Him for forgiveness and mercy. vv., 23–27

Later this same servant grabbed one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (about $50 today) and demanded repayment. His fellow servant fell to his knees begging for mercy, “I will pay you back.” Instead, the first servant had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

• The servant who had his debts removed was not willing to forgive the debts of another servant who sought forgiveness. vv., 28–30

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and told the king about it. The cruel servant was called by the king, who was angered that his servant had not extended the mercy he himself had received from the king. The servant was then thrown into jail to be tortured until he could pay all he owed.

• If we don’t extend true forgiveness to others, our Father in heaven will not forgive us. vv., 31–35

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness C. Why Should We Forgive?

C. Why Should We Forgive?

The obvious answer to the question, “Why forgive?” is this: “Because God says so!” But why does God say so? First, because others need it. And second, because we need it!21 Long ago, George Herbert said that the person who cannot forgive “breaks the bridge over which all must pass if they would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.”22

GOD’S HEART ON FORGIVENESS

• God commands that we forgive each other.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

• God wants us to forgive others because He forgives us.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

• God wants us to see unforgiveness as sin.

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” (James 4:17)

• God wants us to get rid of unforgiveness and have a heart of mercy.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5:7)

• God wants us to do our part to live in peace with everyone.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

• God wants us to overcome evil with good.

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

• God wants us to be ministers of reconciliation.

“God … reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:18–19)

D. What Are the Four Stages of Forgiveness?

Have you ever noticed that the word forgiveness has the little word “give” in it? When you choose to forgive, you give someone a gift … the gift of freedom from having to pay the penalty for offending you … the gift of dismissing the debt owed to you! Because this can be a difficult “gift” to give, you may need to travel through four stages of forgiveness. But realize that you are also giving yourself a gift … the gift of “grudge-free living.” That is true freedom. And that is why the Bible says,

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.”

(Leviticus 19:18)

#1 Face the Offense.

When you feel pain that is personal, unfair, and deep, you have a wound that can be healed only by forgiving the one who wounded you. First you must face the truth of what has actually been done and not hinder true healing by rationalizing and focusing on false thinking.

• Don’t minimize the offense by thinking: “No matter how badly he treats me, it’s okay.”

TRUTH: Bad treatment is not okay. There is no excuse for bad treatment of any kind—any time.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11)

• Don’t excuse the offender’s behavior by thinking: “He doesn’t mean to hurt me. I shouldn’t feel upset with him—he’s a member of my family!”

TRUTH: No matter the age of the offender or our relationship, we need to call sin “sin.” We need to face the truth instead of trying to change it. There must first be a guilty party in order to have someone to forgive.

“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent’—peoples will curse him.” (Proverbs 24:24)

• Don’t assume that quick forgiveness is full forgiveness by thinking.23 “As soon as that horrendous ordeal occurred, I quickly and fully forgave him. That’s what I’ve been taught to do!”

TRUTH: Many well-intentioned people feel guilty if they don’t extend immediate forgiveness so they “forgive” quickly. Yet they have neither faced the full impact of the offense nor grieved over what actually happened. Rarely is the full impact of sin felt at the moment it occurs. Rather, its impact is felt at different levels over a period of time. Therefore, forgiveness needs to be extended at each of these levels. “Quick forgiveness” over deep hurts may seem sufficient, but it is not “full forgiveness”—not until it has been extended at each level of impact. Before complete forgiveness can be extended, you must face the truth about the gravity of the offense and its extended impact on you.

“You [God] desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” (Psalm 51:6)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness D. What Are the Four Stages of Forgiveness?

#2 Feel the Offense.24

We usually do not hate strangers or acquaintances; we just “get angry” with strangers. But Lewis Smedes writes, “When a person destroys what our commitment and our intimacy created, something precious is destroyed.”25 Then anger or even hatred may be our true feeling in response to deep, unfair pain. Hatred toward an offender needs to be brought up out of the basement of our souls and dealt with. However, not all hatred is wrong. God hates evil.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven … a time to love and a time to hate.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 8)

Failing to feel the offense results in …

• Denying your pain: “I don’t blame her for always criticizing me.… She is under a lot of pressure … and it doesn’t hurt me.”

TRUTH: Being mistreated by someone you love is painful. Feeling the pain must take place before healing can take place.

“The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

• Carrying false guilt: “I feel guilty if I hate what was done to me. I’m never supposed to have hatred.”

TRUTH: God hates sin. You too can hate sin. You are to hate the sin, but not the sinner.

“To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” (Proverbs 8:13)

#3 Forgive the Offender.

We are called by God to forgive! And when you do forgive, genuine forgiveness draws you into the heart of God, and your life takes on the divine character of Christ.

• ARGUMENT: “I don’t think it is right to forgive when I don’t feel like forgiving.”

ANSWER: Forgiveness is not a feeling, but is rather an act of the will—a choice. Jesus established what was right when He said,

“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

• ARGUMENT: “I can forgive everyone else, but I don’t have the power to forgive that person.”

ANSWER: The issue is not your lack of power to forgive, but rather how strong God’s power is within you to forgive any sin committed against you.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

• ARGUMENT: “Forgiveness isn’t fair. She ought to pay for her wrong!”

ANSWER: God knows how to deal with each person fairly—and He will, in His own time.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

• ARGUMENT: “I can’t keep forgiving—he keeps doing the same thing over and over.”

ANSWER: You cannot control what others do, but you can control how you respond to what others do. Jesus said you are to respond with forgiveness no matter the number of times wronged. The apostle Peter asked Jesus,

“ ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’ ” (Matthew 18:21–22)

• ARGUMENT: “I cannot forgive and forget. I keep thinking about being hurt.”26

ANSWER: When you choose to forgive, you don’t get a case of “holy amnesia.” However, after facing the hurt and confronting the offender, close off your mind to rehearsing the pain of the past. Forget about your pain. Refuse to focus on your hurt.

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13–14)

#4 Find Oneness … if appropriate.

Relationships filled with resentment ultimately perish—relationships filled with forgiveness ultimately prevail. However, reconciliation in a relationship—the restoration of oneness—is contingent on several vital factors. When these conditions are met, when both parties are committed to honesty in the relationship, there is real hope that the two can be of one mind and one heart again.27 The Bible says,

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1–2)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness Honesty Required for Reconciliation

HONESTY REQUIRED FOR RECONCILIATION

H— HONESTLY evaluate yourself and your relationship.

God intends to use your relationships to reveal your weaknesses and to strengthen your relationship with Him. The first step toward reconciliation is to honestly evaluate your own weaknesses and the weaknesses within your relationships so that you can know where change needs to take place.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23–24)

O— OPEN your heart and share your pain.

Have a candid conversation with your offender. Fully explain the pain you have suffered and the sorrow in your heart. Don’t attack your offender. Instead, address the offense and share how it made you feel.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 18:15)

N— NOTICE whether your offender takes responsibility.

Offenders need to know that what they did struck like an arrow into your heart. They need to feel your hurt. If offenders ignore your pain and respond with how much you have hurt them, they are not ready for reconciliation because they are not ready to take responsibility. They need to care about your pain as much as they care about their own pain. They need to indicate a godly sorrow.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10)

E— EXPECT your offender to be completely truthful.

Promises need to be made regarding honesty, support, and loyalty within the relationship. Although you cannot guarantee someone else’s dependability, you should be able to discern whether there is sincerity and truthfulness.

“Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.” (Proverbs 12:19)

S— SET appropriate boundaries for the relationship.

You may have a heart for reconciliation; however, you need to evaluate, Has my offender crossed the line regarding what is appropriate (excessively angry, possessive, demeaning, insensitive, irresponsible, prideful, abusive)? If so, explain what the boundary line is, what the repercussion is for crossing the boundary (a limited relationship), and what the reward is for staying within the boundary (increased trust). You need to be disciplined enough to hold your offender accountable, and your offender needs to become disciplined enough to stop hurting the relationship.

“He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.” (Proverbs 10:17)

T— TAKE time, cautiously think, and sincerely pray before you let your offender all the way back into your heart.

When trust has been trampled, time, integrity, and consistency are needed to prove that your offender is now trustworthy. Change takes time. Therefore, don’t rush the relationship. Confidence is not regained overnight. Trust is not given, but earned.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Y— YIELD your heart to starting over.

God wants you to have a heart that is yielded to His perfect will for your life. Serious offenses will reshape your future, and you will not be able to come back together with your offender as though nothing ever happened. You personally change through pain. You take on new roles, and you cannot simply abandon your new places in life the moment a friend is forgiven and is invited back into your heart and life. Leave negative patterns in the past and establish positive patterns of relating.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18–19)

QUESTION: “If I have forgiven a monetary debt, thus freeing a person from paying me back, does God still expect that person to repay the debt as a matter of integrity?”

ANSWER: You should not expect anything back if you have truly forgiven the debt. However, God expects us to be people of integrity—people who keep our word, honor our agreements, and fulfill our obligations. We should do everything within our power to avoid acquiring debts that we cannot pay and to repay all debts that we now owe. If you have forgiven a debt that a person is now able to repay, then that person should offer to repay the debt as a matter of integrity. But you are not to expect that. Consider two situations:

• Debtor #1

A friend borrows $100 from you and promises to pay you back in one month. But because of an accident, he becomes disabled and loses his job. He has no way of repaying the debt. If six weeks later you forgive your friend’s debt, does the person still owe the debt?

No, the issue of repayment is not a matter of integrity before God, but is simply a matter of inability—an inability to repay the debt. God knows that there are times when circumstances make the payment of a debt impossible. If later your friend has the ability to repay some amount, whether it is $1.00 or $10.00 a week, he could come to you and make the offer to repay as he can. If you state again that you want him not to feel compelled to repay you, then with deepest gratitude, he should accept your generosity as a gift of grace.

• Debtor #2

A friend borrows $100 from you and promises to pay you back in one month, yet makes no effort to repay the money. After six months, you forgive the debt. Does he still owe the debt?

No, repayment of the debt is not owed to you because you have forgiven it. However, a person of integrity will want to repay the debt. Whether he begins paying back $1.00 or $10.00 a week, the repayment is owed as a matter of integrity before God.

Interestingly, according to the Law, the Israelites were required to cancel debts at the end of every seventh year. If we hold on to extended expectation of repayment and the debt is not repaid, we would likely become bitter; such bitterness is detrimental to all involved. (Read Hebrews 12:15.)

“At the end of every seven years you must cancel debts.… Every creditor shall cancel the loan he has made to his fellow Israelite. He shall not require payment from his fellow Israelite or brother, because the LORD’s time for canceling debts has been proclaimed.”

(Deuteronomy 15:1–2)

E. How Do You Truly Forgive?

Have you ever said, “I was severely wronged by someone I once trusted. People want me to forgive, but how can I simply let my offender off the hook?” If these words have passed your lips or even rolled around in your mind, be assured that you are not alone. That is precisely why you need to know …

HOW TO HANDLE “THE HOOK”

• Make a list of all the offenses caused by your offender.

• Imagine right now that a hook is attached to your collarbone. Then imagine all the pain attached to the hook as a result of the wrong that was done to you.

• Ask yourself, Do I really want to carry all that pain with me for the rest of my life? The Lord wants you to take the pain from the past and release it into His hands.

• Then take the one who offended you off your emotional hook and place your offender onto God’s hook. The Lord knows how to deal with your offender … in His time and in His way. God says,

“It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”

(Deuteronomy 32:35)

PRAYER TO FORGIVE YOUR OFFENDER

“Lord Jesus, thank You for caring about how much my heart has been hurt.

You know the pain I have felt because of ().

Right now I release all that pain into Your hands.

Thank You, Lord, for dying on the cross for me and extending Your forgiveness to me.

As an act of my will, I choose to forgive ().

Right now, I move () off of my emotional hook to Your hook.

I refuse all thoughts of revenge.

I trust that in Your time and in Your way You will deal with () as You see fit.

And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power to forgive so that I can be set free.

In Your precious name I pray. Amen.”

F. How Do You Sustain a Forgiving Spirit?

In the Olympics, a boxer doesn’t simply step into the ring and register a knockout with the first punch. Most often, it takes many rounds of exchanging many blows before a winner is announced. For the most part, forgiveness is not a onetime event.28 We may need to go through many bouts of forgiving as a part of the process of forgiveness. But if we confront our hurts and face our wounds, it will be worth the emotional bruises we will likely encounter. As we consistently release each recurring thought of an offense, eventually the thoughts will stay away. The process will be complete.… The fight will be won. Jesus emphasized the “again and again” nature of forgiveness when He said,

“If he [your brother] sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

(Luke 17:4)

HOW TO FORGIVE … AGAIN

F— FORBID recurring thoughts of the wrongs done to enter your mind. Stop them as soon as they occur. Boldly say to yourself, “I refuse to keep a record of this.… I refuse to keep a ledger.”

“[Love] keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

O— OVERCOME the temptation to bring up the matter again. After an honest confrontation with the offender and both sides of the situation have been dealt with—or if the other person refuses to talk about the problem—let the Holy Spirit do His work of conviction. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, “[There is] a time to be silent and a time to speak.” Pray this passage …

“Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)

R— REPEAT Scripture in your mind. Allow God’s perspective to change your perspective. Allow God’s heart to permeate your heart. At times of testing, repeat over and over, “Love covers this wrong. Lord, may I be an expression of Your love. May I reflect Your love that covers over all wrongs.”

“Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” (Proverbs 10:12)

G— GIVE the situation to God. Jesus understands how much you have been wronged. When He was being persecuted, Jesus knew that the heavenly Father would judge justly … in His way, in His time. And you can know the same. Your trial will make you either bitter or better. Say to the Lord, “I put my heart into Your hands.… I entrust myself to You. I know You will judge this situation justly.” These words were said about Jesus …

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23)

I— INTERCEDE on behalf of your offender. God does not present prayer as an option for you; it is a command. When you have been wronged, pray, “Lord, give me eyes to see him through Your eyes.… May I care for her with Your care.…”

“Far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you.” (1 Samuel 12:23)

V— VALUE what you can give rather than what you can receive. Pray for God to help you understand the offender’s past and how his or her inner pain has contributed to the injury you are now experiencing. Focus on how you might meet some of these inner needs, for it is more blessed to give than to receive.

“The Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” (Acts 20:35)

E— EXTEND God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a direct expression of both God’s grace and God’s mercy. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve (pardon). Mercy is not getting what you do deserve (punishment). Pray often, “Lord, may my life be an expression of Your grace and an extension of Your mercy.”

“The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” (James 5:11)

G. What Will Protect Your Heart from Bitterness?

Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” Impossible! Unrealistic! No way! People can’t love their enemies! At least that’s the assumption. Yet the Greek word agape, translated “love” in this passage, by definition means “a commitment to seek the highest good of another person.”29 The “highest good” for those who are genuinely wrong is that their hearts become genuinely right. What can be one major catalyst for this change? Jesus provides the answer …

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

(Matthew 5:44)

If you are saying, “But they really aren’t enemies,” realize that if someone evokes resentment, bitterness, or hatred, that person is an enemy to your spirit. Because praying for your enemy is commanded by Christ, believers should obey this directive and not regard this kind of prayer as optional. And because praying for your enemy protects your heart from bitterness, you should want to obey this directive in heart and in deed. One approach is to pray “the fruit of the Spirit” for your offender. And because you are willing to “bless” your enemy, the Bible says that you will inherit a blessing.

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

(1 Peter 3:9)

HOW TO PRAY FOR THOSE WHO HURT YOU

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

(Galatians 5:22–23)

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of love by becoming fully aware of Your unconditional love—and in turn will be able to love others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of joy because of experiencing Your steady joy—and in turn will radiate that inner joy to others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of peace—Your inner peace—and in turn will have a peace that passes all understanding toward others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of patience because of experiencing Your patience—and in turn will extend that same extraordinary patience to others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of kindness because of experiencing Your kindness—and in turn will extend that same undeserved kindness to others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of goodness because of experiencing the genuine goodness of Jesus—and in turn will reflect the moral goodness of Jesus before others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of faithfulness because of realizing Your amazing faithfulness—and in turn will desire to be faithful to You, to Your Word, and to others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of gentleness because of experiencing Your gentleness—and in turn will be able to be gentle with others.

• “Lord, I pray that () will be filled with the fruit of self-control—the control by Christ of self—and in turn will rely on His control for enablement to break out of bondage and to be an example before others.

In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.”

“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

(James 3:17)

QUESTION: “How can I release the bitterness toward my offender, who is now dead?”

ANSWER: Although you cannot confront your offender in person, you can confront indirectly by saying what you would want to say or need to say as though your offender is in front of you.

Consider the “chair technique.” Imagine the person seated in a chair placed in front of you. Say the things you would say to the person if you were actually seated across a table from one another. Express your feelings about what was done to you and the painful ramifications those events have had on your life. Then forgive the person and explain that you have taken the person off of your emotional hook and placed the person onto God’s hook.

• Write a letter to your offender, stating every painful memory. Read it over the person’s grave or at a place where you can openly speak to the person as though you were in each other’s presence. Then at the close, choose to forgive by releasing your offender into the hands of God.

• Make a list of all painful as well as positive memories. After completing the list, go back to the beginning and write the word “past” by each memory. Acknowledge and accept that the past is in the past. Release all the pain as well as the person into the hands of God.

• The fact that your offender has died does not mean that you cannot forgive and thereby prevent bitterness from establishing a foothold in your heart and mind. The Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness (H. How Do You Lighten the Scales of Blame?)

H. How Do You Lighten the Scales of Blame?30PLAYING THE BLAME GAMEOften the way people justify acting badly toward others is by focusing on the guilt of others. Your offenders will want to blame you for your guilt so as to relieve their own guilt. Even if they are 98% wrong, by blaming you for your 2%, they feel justified, and their scale of justification is balanced. This means they will not feel the full weight (conviction) for their sin.Your offenders may be able to balance the scale with your guilt, but they still haven’t emptied the scale of their guilt. And every time they begin to feel guilty for whatever wrong they have done, they must blame you for what you have done. Therefore, they stay in bondage to keeping the scales balanced. Realize, however, that even if you are not the major guilty party, you are still responsible before God for your percentage of wrong—even if it is only 2%!“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”(1 John 1:8)Offender feels justified.

ENDING THE BLAME GAME

Regardless of how much someone else has been wrong, you are responsible to ask forgiveness for your own area of wrong. Jesus said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23–24).• When you humbly ask forgiveness for your sin, your guilt is removed and the blame game is over.• When your blame is lifted off the scale, the weight of your offender’s guilt comes down heavily! This is why, when one person asks, “Will you forgive me?” often the other person responds with, “Yes, but will you also forgive me?”• When you have a spirit of humility, the Spirit of God can use your humble heart to bring godly conviction to your offender’s heart.True freedom can be found only by keeping the scale of justification empty by asking forgiveness from those you have wronged and extending forgiveness to those who have wronged you.“I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.”(Acts 24:16)

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness Ending the Blame Game

Regardless of how much someone else has been wrong, you are responsible to ask forgiveness for your own area of wrong. Jesus said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23–24).

• When you humbly ask forgiveness for your sin, your guilt is removed and the blame game is over.

• When your blame is lifted off the scale, the weight of your offender’s guilt comes down heavily! This is why, when one person asks, “Will you forgive me?” often the other person responds with, “Yes, but will you also forgive me?”

• When you have a spirit of humility, the Spirit of God can use your humble heart to bring godly conviction to your offender’s heart.

True freedom can be found only by keeping the scale of justification empty by asking forgiveness from those you have wronged and extending forgiveness to those who have wronged you.

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness I. The End of the Story

Jesus would never tell you to forgive and love your enemies

without empowering you to do it.

—June Hunt

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness II. Characteristics of Unforgiveness

Here stands the enemy, the former Nazi SS officer. His very presence stands for cruelty and the stench of crematoriums at Ravensbruck. As Corrie ten Boom stares at the rough hand offered by her former captor, she knows in her head what she has to do—forgive! But her emotions scream silently in opposition. The very message she has been sharing with the victims of Nazi brutality emphasizes that she must forgive those who persecuted her. Forgiveness is a necessity. But Corrie stands paralyzed as the battle rages between her mind and her emotions.

And I stood there—I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven—and could not forgive. [My sister] Betsie had died in that place—could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?14

Imagine Corrie’s dilemma. She knows that those who have forgiven their enemies have also been able to rebuild their lives regardless of the physical horrors they suffered. But those who continue to nurse their bitterness remain imprisoned … not in Hitler’s horrid concentration camps … but within their own wounded souls. Corrie knows the cost of bitterness—the very bitterness she is battling—because the Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

A. Why Should We Get Rid of Unforgiveness?

When you refuse to forgive, your unforgiveness keeps you emotionally stuck to both the offense and the offender. A continual refusal to forgive digs a deeper hole in which you can easily hide your hardened heart. Blaming others is a favorite tactic to justify unforgiveness. You can become too comfortable in the unnatural habitat of self-righteousness and self-pity. Your past hurts, though buried, are still very much alive. And because they are not released in God’s way, oddly enough, you become like your offender (but you are blind to it). Not forgiving your offender is an offense to God, thereby making you an offender to God as well! The Bible says to confess and renounce this sin.…

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

(Proverbs 28:13)

THE UNFORGIVING HEART IS …

THE UNFORGIVING HEART HAS …

• Judgmental—focusing on the past wrongs that the offender committed

• Condemnation—being intolerant of any present failures of the offender

“Do not judge.… Do not condemn.… Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

(Luke 6:37)

• Merciless—rehearsing the reasons why the offender does not deserve mercy

• Contempt—looking down without mercy on the offender

“Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!”

(James 2:13)

• Resentful—begrudging the successes of the offender

• Envy—coveting the accomplishments of the offender

“Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.”

(Job 5:2)

• Vengeful—rejoicing when the offender experiences failure, difficulty, or hurt

• Retaliation—desiring to get even with the offender

“Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice.”

(Proverbs 24:17)

• Maligning—talking to others about the faults of the offender with the intent to hurt

• Slander—sharing unnecessary negatives about the offender

“He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.”

(Proverbs 10:18)

• Prideful—elevating self above the offender, who is considered less deserving

• Haughtiness—acting with arrogance toward the offender

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

(Proverbs 16:18)

• Profane—verbally abusive toward the offender

• Bitterness—harboring hostility toward the offender

“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”

(Romans 3:14)

• Complaining—and quick to quarrel over personal choices, words, and deeds

• Resistance—arguing about any advice or constructive criticism regarding the offender

“Do everything without complaining or arguing.”

(Philippians 2:14)

• Impatient—exhibiting little patience while being easily provoked

• Annoyance—feeling easily irritated by the offender

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

(Proverbs 19:11)

• Bitter—feeling weighed down with unresolved anger

• Negativity—feeling no joy and no approval concerning the offender

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”

(Proverbs 14:10)

Because of unforgiveness, the offended person becomes spiritually dry—trying to feel connected with God but lacking spiritual growth. As a direct result of unforgiveness, the offender’s prayer life is blocked.

“If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:15)

QUESTION: “How can I forgive someone who has not apologized or shown any kind of repentance?”

ANSWER: Forgiveness has nothing to do with repentance. Forgiveness is not based on what the offender does or deserves, but rather on giving the gift of grace to your offender—a gift that is not deserved. The real question is: “Do you want to be Christlike?” When Jesus was being crucified on the cross, His enemies had neither apologized nor repented, yet He extended His heart of forgiveness by praying,

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness A. Why Should We Get Rid of Unforgiveness?

QUESTION: “If I forgive those who offend me, I’ll be a classic enabler. Why should offenders change if there is no consequence for their offensive behavior?”

ANSWER: Forgiveness is not enablement. If a man borrows money from you and later refuses to repay you, still you should forgive him. Release both him, as well as the offense, to God … for your sake, if for no other, so that you do not become bitter. But you should not enter into another monetary relationship with him. Do not give irresponsible people more opportunities to be irresponsible with you. Enabling others means that by not establishing a boundary or by not having a consequence for when others violate a boundary, you enable them to continue in their bad behavior.

• Enablement puts you in a position of being offended again and again.

• Enabling never helps offenders change, but further ingrains their bad habits. However, one “consequence” to your offenders is that they will not have other opportunities to “use you” or offend you again.

• Enablers are classic people-pleasers who do not say no when they should say no. If you say yes to irresponsible people when you should say no, you are actually saying no to Christ. The apostle Paul said,

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

(Galatians 1:10)

B. What Does the Forgiving Heart Look Like?

When the Spirit of Christ is rooted within you, He produces fruit consistent with the character of Christ. The moment you entrust your life to Jesus, you are “sealed” with the Holy Spirit, who dwells within you for the rest of your life. (See Ephesians 1:13–14.) Just as orange trees produce oranges and banana trees produce bananas, the Spirit of Christ produces the character of Christ in a Christian. Therefore, the next time you are wronged, allow the Holy Spirit the freedom to produce His fruit of forgiveness in you.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

(Galatians 5:22–23)

THE FORGIVING HEART IS …

THE FORGIVING HEART HAS …

• Loving—not keeping a record of the bad things the offender has done

• A loving spirit, allowing the possibility that the offender can change

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

(1 Peter 4:8)

• Joyous—taking to heart the goodness of God and His sovereignty over all events in life, even the painful ones

• A joyful awareness that God will use trials to bring triumph

“I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through … the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.”

(Philippians 1:18–19)

• Peaceful—seeking to resolve any difficulty, hurt, or division and wanting the offender to be right with God and to be blessed by Him

• A peaceful demeanor that lowers the guard of the offender and paves the way for reconciliation

“Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”

(James 3:18)

• Patient—accepting that the offender is not “fixed in cement” and could possibly change

• A patient commitment to wait for the right day to deal with difficulties and the right time to talk about them

“Love is patient.”

(1 Corinthians 13:4)

• Kind—looking for and acting in practical ways to express kind deeds and to meet needs

• A kind deed on behalf of the offender that is unexpected, unforeseen, and unannounced

“A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.”

(Proverbs 11:17)

• Good—holding to moral principles and purity even in the midst of controversy

• A good heart, reflecting the highest moral character—the character of Christ

“Give an answer.… Do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”

(1 Peter 3:15–16)

• Faithful—praying that those who have caused such pain might have changed lives

• A faithful commitment to pray for those who have been hurtful

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

(Romans 12:12)

• Gentle—taking into account the woundedness of the offender and responding to harshness with a calm gentleness

• A gentle response, which understands that often “hurt people hurt people”

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

(Proverbs 15:1)

• Self-controlled—deciding ahead of time how to respond when conflict arises

• A controlled response that is Christlike so that, no matter what is said or done, there is a positive attitude toward the offender

“Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled.”

(1 Peter 1:13)

QUESTION: “How do I know whether I have genuinely forgiven someone?”

ANSWER: After someone has offended you, you can test the “quality” of your forgiveness by asking yourself the following questions:

• “Do I still expect my offender ‘to pay’ for the wrong done to me?”

• “Do I still have bitter feelings toward my offender?”

• “Do I still have vengeful thoughts toward my offender?”

To forgive someone does not in any way mean that you do not want justice, but it simply means that you are leaving the offense entirely in God’s hands. You are refusing to harbor hateful feelings toward your offender. Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing process which requires that you choose to forgive every time the offense comes to mind … and that you choose to pray for the offender every time the offense crosses your mind.

“Far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.”

(1 Samuel 12:23)

C. The High Cost of Unforgiveness15 versus the High Reward of Forgiveness

Carrying around unforgiveness is like carrying a sack of cement all day long. If you hold unforgiveness in your heart, you are walking around with a weight that God never intended you to carry. Unforgiveness becomes a burden, and Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness C. The High Cost of Unforgiveness versus the High Reward of Forgiveness

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

(1 Peter 5:7)

UNFORGIVENESS

FORGIVENESS

• Unforgiveness blocks the door to salvation and God’s forgiveness.

• Forgiveness opens the door to salvation and God’s forgiveness.

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:14–15)

• Unforgiveness allows a root of bitterness to grow.

• Forgiveness keeps a root of bitterness from growing.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

• Unforgiveness opens a door to Satan in our lives.

• Forgiveness closes a door to Satan in our lives.

“I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

(2 Corinthians 2:10–11)

• Unforgiveness causes us to walk in darkness.

• Forgiveness brings us into the light.

“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness.… Whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.”

(1 John 2:9–11)

• Unforgiveness is of Satan.

• Forgiveness is of God.

“If you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts.… Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.”

(James 3:14–15)

• Unforgiveness reflects a godless heart.

• Forgiveness reflects a godly heart.

“The godless in heart harbor resentment.”

(Job 36:13)

• Unforgiveness makes us captive to sin.

• Forgiveness frees us.

“I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”

(Acts 8:23)

• Unforgiveness grieves the Spirit of God.

• Forgiveness is empowered by the Spirit of God.

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

(Ephesians 4:30–31)

III. CAUSES OF UNFORGIVENESS

Amazingly, the Ten Boom’s little home became the hub of the underground network. From their secret hiding place, the fingers of the underground reached into the farthest corners of Holland. As those of the Ten Boom family lived their double lives, they shuffled the hunted Jews into their one-room hiding place for sometimes up to two weeks, while members of the underground sought to slip the stowaways out of the country to safety.

Meanwhile, Corrie lived with the constant fear that they could be caught … and with reason. The family was betrayed by a fellow watchmaker whom Corrie’s father had trained a few years earlier. As a result of this treachery, Corrie never embraced her father again nor delighted in the presence of her beloved sister Betsie. How could Corrie not be consumed with bitterness toward this “friend” who betrayed them? She suffered the severity of these words …

“Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.”

(Psalm 41:9)

A. Why Is It So Difficult to Forgive?

People fail to forgive others for a variety of reasons. For example, when you have been deeply offended by a friend, forgiveness can make you feel emotionally “flat.” In contrast, withholding forgiveness can make you feel emotionally pumped. Therefore, you may refuse to forgive the friend who offended you because of pride.16 The Bible states it this way …

“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city.”

(Proverbs 18:19)

BARRIERS TO FORGIVENESS17

• No modeling of forgiveness from parents

— “I don’t know how to forgive.”

• Denying that the offense ever occurred

— “I don’t want to think about it.”

• Fearing to hold the guilty accountable

— “It’s really all my fault.” (This kind of thinking short-circuits the reality and the pain of being wronged.)

• Not feeling that you can forgive yourself

— “No mercy for me—no mercy for you.”

• Not being forgiven for your past offenses

— “They didn’t forgive me—why should I forgive them?”

• Not understanding God’s forgiveness

— “God will never forgive me—I will never forgive her.”

• Believing that bitterness is a required response to betrayal

— “God knows that my feelings are normal.”

• Thinking that forgiveness is excusing unjust behavior

— “I’m not about to say that what she did was okay!”

• Requiring an apology or show of repentance

— “He shouldn’t be forgiven because he’s not really sorry.”

• Feeling a sense of power by hanging on to unforgiveness

— “He needs to see how wrong he is!”

• Refusing to turn loose of revenge

— “He should pay for what he’s done.”

• Harboring a prideful, hardened heart that becomes a spiritual stronghold

— “I refuse to forgive.”

“Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.”

(Proverbs 28:14)

QUESTION: “What should I do if I don’t want to reap the damaging results of unforgiveness?”

ANSWER: Choose to change your thinking and consciously ask God to soften your heart so that you will be willing to forgive. Unforgiveness can turn into an emotional stronghold that can damage many areas of your life. You do have control of what you dwell on. That is why the Bible says we are to …

“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

(2 Corinthians 10:5)

B. How Does the Need for Justice Contribute to Unforgiveness?

We feel outraged when justice is denied. Thus, the cry for justice is common from everyone … everyone except the guilty person waiting to receive justice! Then the cry is not for justice, but for mercy.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.”

(Psalm 51:1)

But why is the need for justice so strong and natural, and why is forgiveness so difficult and unnatural?

Three reasons:

• God has instilled within every human heart a sense of right and wrong; therefore, we feel a need for justice when we are wronged.

“The requirements of the law are written on their hearts [on the hearts of even the heathen].” (Romans 2:15)

• Based on the law, forgiveness seems inappropriate and unnatural.

“Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” (Deuteronomy 19:21)

• Because God is a God of justice, somebody has to pay. That Somebody was Jesus. The death of Jesus on the cross fufilled the justice of God. (See Romans 3:25–26.) In the same way that God needed to have His justice satisfied by Jesus’ dying on the cross, shouldn’t we expect justice before we extend mercy and forgiveness?

The truth is that although everyone must face God’s justice, Jesus was the payment for everyone’s wrongs. While governments execute justice, individually we are to extend mercy. We are to leave individual justice to God. The Bible exhorts us to …

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:36)

C. How Is a Spiritual Stronghold Developed?

In a military war, if your enemy gains a “foothold,” that means your enemy has gained some of your ground.… Your enemy has taken some of your territory. Now, with that foothold, your foe has a secure base from which there can be further advance.

If you have been hurt and as a result harbor anger in your heart, realize that your unresolved anger can be a foothold for the enemy. The Bible says,

“ ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

(Ephesians 4:26–27)!

THE DEVELOPMENT OF A SPIRITUAL STRONGHOLD

#1 When you refuse to forgive your offender, you have unresolved anger.

#2 Unresolved anger, in turn, allows Satan to set up a stronghold in your mind.

#3 This stronghold is a fortified place from which “flaming arrows of the evil one” are flung (Ephesians 6:16).

#4 These flaming arrows of accusation and unforgiveness can continue to burn in your heart and keep you mentally captive to do the enemy’s will.

At this point you are engaged in spiritual warfare. In order to win the spiritual war, recognize that the battle for freedom is fought in your mind. You need to take captive every thought of unforgiveness and release your unresolved anger to God.

“You must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

(Colossians 3:8)

The following spiritual warfare prayer will help you to honestly confront and release your anger to God and thereby rid yourself of such damaging habits.

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness How Can You Find God’s Forgiveness?

HOW CAN YOU FIND GOD’S FORGIVENESS?

#1 God’s Purpose for You … is Salvation.

— What was God’s motive in sending Christ to earth? To condemn you?

No … to express His love for you by saving you!

“God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:16–17)

— What was Jesus’ purpose in coming to earth? To make everything perfect and to remove all sin?

No … to forgive your sins, empower you to have victory over sin, and enable you to live a fulfilled life!

“I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

#2 Your Problem … is Sin.

— What exactly is sin?

Sin is living independently of God’s standard—knowing what is right, but choosing wrong.

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” (James 4:17)

— What is the major consequence of sin?

Spiritual death, spiritual separation from God.

“The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)

#3 God’s Provision for You … is the Savior.

— Can anything remove the penalty for sin?

Yes. Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

— What is the solution to being separated from God?

Belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father.

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’ ” (John 14:6)

#4 Your Part … is Surrender.

— Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your “good works” as a means of gaining God’s approval.

“It is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8–9)

— Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.

“Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?’ ” (Matthew 16:24–26)

The moment you choose to believe in Him—entrusting your life to Christ—He gives you His Spirit to live inside you. Then the Spirit of Christ enables you to live the fulfilled life God has planned for you, and He gives you His power to forgive others so that your heart can begin to heal. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person God created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:

Biblical Counseling Keys on Forgiveness E. What Is the Root Cause of Unforgiveness?

What Is the Root Cause of Unforgiveness?