Results

Here are some funny things that were found on church signs: Don’t let worries kill you, let the church help. The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. Honk if you love Jesus. Text and drive if you want to meet Him. Historical/Cultural…

A man and woman thought they needed to go to couples counseling because, while they had a strong marriage, there was just one thing that drove the wife crazy. So they get in the car and get to the office and the first thing the counselor says, “So, what brought you here today?” The wife immediately speaks…

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain “Procrastination always gives you something to look forward to.” ― Joan Konner “Procrastination is the thief of time” ― Edward Young We are all guilty of some procrastination. However, the Gospel should be…

Secular - Here are some excuses people use to skip church and some responses. I feel like I need to get right with God before I can come to church (The Church is hospital for sinners, not a country club for saints. So come on to church anyway) (That’s like saying you need to lose a few pound before you…

After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her stay-at-home husband the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” Her husband blushes with giddy excitement. “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks. “No,” says the wife, “a 1979…

Secular - A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really?…

Secular - A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crew members. But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth. After he got out, people questioned why he didn’t continue to space. He said “my teacher once asked…

1. What instrument do a pair of sheep play? A two-baa 2. Where do sheep get their wool cut? The baa-baashop 3. What do you get when you cross a sheep and some chocolate? A candy baa 4. What’s a sheep’s favorite snack? A baaanana 5. What’s a French sheep’s favorite holiday? Baastille Day 6. What do you…

Peace is far more than protection from annihilation. Peace is more than the cessation of hostilities. Peace is more than a state of mind or the tranquility of a countryside. Peace is commitment to a way of life which precludes war, poverty, slavery, prejudice, and fear. Peace is action. Peace is the…

There was a boy who never uttered a single word growing up. Then, one day, at age 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect English - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?' He…

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper, *"Jesus is watching you!"* Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it. The thief breathes…

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that…

Secular - A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis…

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me,…

Secular - A wife was reading a Bible to her husband at the breakfast table one day. She said “you aren’t going to believe this. It says God created everything in 6 days.” He replied, “I don’t believe it.” A little while later she said, “You aren’t going to believe this. God created man from the dirt…

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!” Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!” Hard times set in on the elderly…

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request... The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring…

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work. The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway. He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the…

Today, amongst other things, we will be hitting on wisdom. Specifically man’s wisdom and God’s wisdom. In that vain I looked up some words of wisdom “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their…

Secular - During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. He said, "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where it asks if I promise to 'love, honor, cherish' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd…

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog…

Secular - George came home from University in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?" "No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?" George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.…

A priest, Let’s call him John, buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. The owner of the lawn mower is named Bob. John Takes his new mower home and he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. Well John is ticked that he got taken. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the Bob, the previous…

A pastor was visiting a home of one of the parishioners. At the house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card that had printed “ Revelation 3:20 ” on the back of it for just such an occasion, and stuck it…

Pastor Tony is walking down the street on Christmas Eve when he notices Larry, a little boy, trying to press the doorbell of a house across the street. However, Larry is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Pastor Tony moves closer…