Sermon Tone Analysis

Fathers

Parenting is a notoriously difficult topic to preach on.

It’s especially bad if you have kids that can prove conclusively you have no idea what you are talking about.

Larry Osborne joked about this once when he wrote:

I used to have a sermon series before Nancy and I had any kids called: “Ten Rules for Raising Godly Kids.”

Then my son Nathan came along and it became “Ten Suggestions for Raising Good Kids.”

When my daughter Rachel came along, it became “Five Ideas that Might Help.”

My son Josh came along and I think I renamed it something like, “Three Tips for Surviving Parenthood.” —Dr.

Larry Osborne

I think most parents can relate to that sentiment.

However, we don’t have the luxury of letting our parenting be a punch line.

This is serious, and Paul treats it so.

We saw last week how children are to orient themselves to their parents, and this week we are going to see the other half of that equation, although with a notable level of specificity.

You’ll notice that Paul doesn’t begin Ephesians 6:4 with the word parents (which he just used in the previous verse, so he knew how to say it), he begins with the word, “Fathers.”

I’ll address mothers and other family situations at the end of this morning’s message, but I also want to let the passage carry it’s own weight of emphasis.

Paul says he is talking to fathers, so that’s where we are going to spend the bulk of our time this morning.

As we proceed I think we will see that Paul isn’t just being forgetful, but he is calling out the parent who is always the most responsible for his family’s discipleship, but often the least involved.

I recently heard Voddie Baucham share that he felt fatherlessness was the greatest problem his people face other than a lack of faith in Jesus.

I agree, and would go further to say that the lack of godly fathering is probably the single greatest problem with the western world today, spanning ethnicities, languages, and countries, outside of a lack of faith in jesus.

Fathers - it’s a hard time to be a father, but Paul is going to lay this out for us very briefly and very simply.

Our verse today has two commands in it, and so does our outline.

Paul begins with a straightforward warning to fathers.

This stands in contrast to what he has said so far, and so we need to pay close attention.

Since the beginning of Paul’s special instruction on how to live out Christian submission in special relationships, Paul has been on a role of positive commands.

He doesn’t tell the wives what not to do.

He doesn’t tell the husbands what not to do.

He doesn’t tell the children what not to do.

He does tell fathers what not to do, however.

That should jump out to us as a way of drawing attention to something that is very easy, and all to common.

Before Paul can lay out what it is that fathers are to do, he wants to warn and head off something that we fathers are prone to doing, and that something is absolutely lethal to the godly development of our children.

Paul says, do not provoke your children to anger.

What does this mean?

In the Greek, the phrase “provoke to anger” is all one word.

It’s root is the word ὀργή from which we get our English word, orgy.

We tend to associate this word with gross sexual sin, but it is a word that means emotions in general spilling over uncontrollably, often used of anger.

In the form we have it here, it refers to an angry outburst which threatens to become lasting bitterness.

This idea is carried out further in the parallel passage of Colossians 3:21.

Here we see an almost identical warning followed by the outcome that Paul is trying to avoid.

The word exasperate is a different Greek word, but it is closely related and often listed as a synonym for the word in our text in Ephesians.

Both words refer to being driven towards anger that builds to overflowing and eventually produces a torrent of bitterness and resentment.

A father who provokes his children is in grave danger of causing them to, as Colossians 3:21 says, lose heart.

It is a precious thing to see a young boy or girl trying to please his or her father.

It is unspeakably tragic to see that same child only a few short years later become a seething cauldron of deep set anger having lost all motivation and all meaningful relationship, with that father.

And yes, in case anyone is wondering, this happens in the church.

This happens in this church.

This must not happen, and Paul singles out fathers as the ones who primarily are responsible to be the guardians of their children’s fragile souls.

So how do we end up bringing this about, and how can we guard against it?

It is easy to compile a list of those things which frequently are cited as the source of provocation of exasperation for a child.

Severity, injustice, partiality, undue exercise of authority, arbitrariness, constant nagging, frequent shaming or condemnation, public humiliation, gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities, broken promises and hypocrisy, neglect, abuse, abdication of authority, drunkenness and substance abuse…the list could go on.

These are all important things to talk about in their own right, but just as love covers all of the negative prohibitions of the law as Jesus taught us, so does this hold true here.

If we want to take Paul’s admonition here seriously, then I exhort us to treasure the souls of your children.

This doesn’t mean to treasure the fact that you have children.

This doesn’t mean treasuring the ideal of what you image your children should be like.

Treasure the souls of your children, as they are, right now.

View them as precious.

View them as vulnerable and in need of protection.

Drive from your heart those impulses, selfish impulses, that cause you to see them as behavioral problems to be squashed, personal inconveniences to be minimized, trials to be endured, or even the enemy of your happiness to be battled.

It sounds so extreme to put it this way, but is it not easy to act this way?

If we are truly honest, would we not have to admit that we at many times are tempted, or in fact do, act towards our children in this way?

Fathers, let us treasure the souls of our children.

We must see in them a constant opportunity, and not a persistent adversary.

If you want a short checklist of things to keep your eye on, let me suggest three:

Ungracious Expectations

Do you demand of your children a standard of living to which you yourself do not attain, or expect sanctification to proceed in their lives at a pace faster than your own?

This is not talking about having biblical standards, which are high.

This is talking about being an Old Testament Pharisaical parent who chides and berates their children at every turn - holding before them a Christ-less salvation by works.

This is the parent who cultivates obedience through fear, and not love.

Very quickly this parenting approach degrades into the style of behavior modification pioneered by B. F. Skinner.

We build gutters of positive and negative reinforcement disconnected from love and disconnected from the Gospel.

Watch out - this kid is going to look great until they leave for college, and then all hell breaks loose!

Why?

Because hell has been burning up the heart of the child for years, and they finally have enough freedom to vent the exasperation that has been festering all along.

A father who treasures the souls of his children has a loving graciousness towards them, even in their sin.

Just like our heavenly Father.

Ungodly Anger

The best process to produce anger and bitterness and resentment in your children is discipleship.

Just model it for them.

Have an angry heart as a father and display it in your home and you will soon see it mirrored back at you in the attitudes and actions of your children.

And the anger doesn’t even need to be directed at your children!

Be angry with your wife, your job, your circumstances, etc.

Just show our children that this is how a grown man reacts to the world, and our children will react in the same way.

We can preach a hundred sermons on being kind and gentle, but if the anger in our heart tells them that daddy doesn’t mean it or have to do it, they will almost invariably adopt their father’s heart over their father’s words.

Fathers, if you struggle with anger, it’s time to get serious about it.

A genuinely repentant father is a powerful force against a provoked and resentful heart.

Unavailability

Lastly, you must be present.

You can’t live a life disconnected from your children and expect that they won’t resent you for it.

Your children need you to be involved in your life in the same way that we need our heavenly Father to be involved in our lives.

The story is told of how even General Douglas MacArthur learned this the hard way.

The Home Front

When John Foster Dulles was secretary of state, he called General Douglas MacArthur’s home one day.

Mistaking Dulles’s voice for that of an aide, Mrs. MacArthur snapped, “MacArthur is not here.

MacArthur is where MacArthur always is—down at that office!”

With this she hung up abruptly.

Within minutes the general received a call from John Foster Dulles saying, “Go home at once, boy.

Your home front is crumbling.”

Even MacArthur’s wife was showing the effects of creeping exasperation.

Where do you think his kids’ hearts were?

Do your children ever see that you make them a priority as a pattern, and not just as an intervention when things get really bad?

If we will treasure the souls of our children by guarding against these three (ungracious expectations, ungodly anger, and unavailability), we will find ourselves with much softer soil in which to cultivate the healthy and godly maturity that we desire to see in our children.