Men as Fathers
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Good morning! We’re going to be looking at the book of Colossians and Ephesians this morning as we talk about the gift that God gives us- the gift of children. And I want to filter that this week through the lens of men as fathers and next week, we’ll look at the role of mother. And again, I understand that not everyone wants to listen to a 28-year-old guy with 4 young children talk about this topic. I know that there’s a chance that one night we could be watching Cops and one of my kids makes a guest appearance, and they’re not the cop. I get it. And I know that my kids aren’t perfect. I think I can see that closer than anyone, but remember that goal of parenting is not to make perfect kids, but to make God-loving kids. And we do that in relationship. None of what we need to accomplish as Fathers can be done effectively without a relationship with our kids.
Remember, like arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior are the children of one’s youth. We aim these arrows at the target of loving God. Everything else is secondary. We craft these arrows in relationship, and we release them to fly straight.
So here’s today’s big idea for fathers: it’s hard to have a loving, safe, healthy, life-giving, enjoyable relationship when one person is domineering over the other. And this was the culture in which Paul wrote the letters that we’re going to be talking about today. That fathers need to love and invest in and care for their children was controversial and counter-cultural.
In our day, we see sort of the opposite, don’t we? Children often times are domineering over their parents. If you’ve been to Walmart ever, you’ve seen this. Kid throwing a tantrum in the aisle or at the register to get what they want, and the parents just promising them the world to get them to be quiet and stop embarrassing them. And like I always say at my house, “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
This is true in movies, TV shows, everything. It’s always, the parents are dumb as rocks (though dad is usually dumber than mom), the kids are super smart and know what’s going on, and the kids and their pet save the day. Right? Kids, let me just burst your bubble right now: that is not reality. Your parents aren’t dumb. They’ve got about twenty or thirty years on you. That’s a fair amount of time to learn some things. So before we get into commands for Fathers, kids, I want to remind you of this one:
Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord.
This is talking about when you are young. See, when you move out and you’re an adult, this no longer applies to you, but while you are a minor and you live in your parent’s house, you should obey.
There’s a pastor that tells a story about taking his sons to get a hair cut. When they’re done, he goes and pays for the haircut and ask for him to get them some hair gel so they can look cool. And he says, okay, and he pays for it. And around the same time, there’s another young man who walks in with his mom. And she drove him to get a haircut, and as he’s getting his hair cut, she walks back to inspect it and make sure it’s okay. And she paid for it, and her son, similar to the pastor’s sons says, “mom, I need gel for my hair.” An she says, “you don’t need gel. You already have a little, and it will last until your next haircut.” And he says, “no mom. It’s gonna run out.” And they had a very intense argument there in the barber shop, and he’s in his thirties. He’s a single guy (I have no idea why) in his thirties, and his mom says to him, “You need to obey your mother.”
That is great when you’re three. That is not great when you’re thirty three, amen?
So when they’re young, your kids need to obey you. Let me say a few things about obedience that may be controversial, but that I believe will be helpful.
Obedience is not counting.
“Don’t make me count to 1,478. Don’t make me do it! 1,423 and 1/4… You’re pushing it. I’m gonna get there!” When we count, we’re saying to our kids, “You can obey me when you feel like it.” And now, we’re in a hostage negotiation, and there’s a clock ticking much like one that would be on a bomb in the middle of a hostage negotiation. When you’re counting, you’re teaching your children not to obey, but to negotiate.
Obviously there are times where children need time to process what you’ve told them to do, but when the child’s heart is stubborn, and you begin counting, what you have just done is surrendered in a hostage negotiation.
How many of you have seen this at the store? You want to see bad parenting, just go to Walmart and walk around for a bit. There’s always the one parent that’s like “I’m gonna count to 10. ....8 and 1/2, 8 and 3/4....”
I’m always like, “they’re 2. They don’t even know where you are now. They don’t do fractions.”
Obedience is not counting.
2. Obedience is not reverse psychology.
Some of you have seen the parents with the kids that they knew would rebel, so they tell them to do the wrong thing, and they rebel, and it ends up being the right thing. So the parents are like, “Do not. DO NOT eat your vegetables! Don’t you eat them!” And the kids are like, “Oh, I’ll show them. I’m gonna eat them.” And your parents were like, “Woo hoo! We won!”
No, you didn’t win, you just raised a terrorist. What they’ve done is said, “my child has a rebellious heart, not an obedient one. So because they will rebel, I will trick them to make my life easier.”
3. Obedience is not bribing.
You can tell if a child has been bribed, because when they’re told to do something, they turn into a small attorney and try to negotiate all the deal points.
“It’s time for bed.”
“What do I get if I go to bed?”
“To live. To live. You get to live.”
“Do I get ice cream?” No. No.
And you’ll see parents that negotiate. “You can’t have ice cream, but you can have a candy bar.”
“Okay. Great. Now we’re back back into the hostage negotiation with the small attorney that looks like my child.”
Obedience is not bribing your child.
And it does not mean “children, obey your parents.” Right?
How many of you have seen this, again, in Walmart? Well, you hear it first. There’s a kid screaming like they are being murdered there in the store. And the parent can’t handle it, because it’s embarrassing, so they say, “just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you if you’ll stop.”
And I always think to myself, “do you have any idea what kind of person you are raising, Mrs. Bin Laden?”
This is going to be a horrible adult! And that’s why in the Zoll household, we tell our kids, “we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” Keep acting up, we’ll take you to the bathroom. Or to the car.
Obedience is not counting, it’s not reverse psychology, it’s not bribing, and it’s not "parents, obey your children”.
It says “children obey your parents.” This is important: children shouldn’t just obey all they adults. They should obey those with authority that is God-given and loving. So, I don’t tell my kids, “just do what adults tell you.” No way! No. “Mom and Dad will give you instructions and there will be people in authority: teachers, Sunday school teachers, coaches that will have our deferred authority and you need to submit to their authority.” But I’m not just talking about children in general obeying adults in general. Because some adults are mean, some adults are evil, and some adults are dangerous.
It says, “children, obey your parents.” What this means, and I’ll talk specifically to fathers here, is that you are the ultimate authority over your children. You must understand what they are being taught, instructed in, and told to do. You may delegate your authority to others, but you are still responsible for that authority. And as you delegate authority to others for your children, their authority is derived from you, but your authority is derived from God. Do not take that lightly. Other people may assist, but God will not hold them accountable for your children like he holds you accountable for your children.
It says “children, obey your parents.” Not “obey your PARENT.” In marriages with children, one person tends to be the cop and the other person tends to be the clown. And the kids know. They will divide and conquer. And it’s really important to speak in a marriage with a unified voice. That means if one of you says something, and the other disagrees, you don’t hash it out in front of the kids and turn them into the jury and let them render the verdict. Always speak with a unified voice. When you’re splitting wood, if you put a wedge in there and apply enough pressure, the wood will split. Some kids have learned the art of being a solid wedge and applying pressure. Don’t let them do that. Always speak with a unified voice. Some of you have seen this go badly. You’ve heard moms say, “wait until your.... father comes home.” That means, “you won’t obey me. I’m calling in for backup.” You need to speak with one voice so that when mom speaks, she speaks with dad’s authority, and when dad speaks, he speaks with mom’s authority. Always back each other up.
Cop and clown analogy. Do not over-compensate for the other. You both need to be the fun one. You both need to be the teacher. Speak with a unified voice.
In my house, kids will get a spanking if they ask me for something and I say no and they go ask Rebecca for a different answer, because in the seemingly innocent act of seeking what they want, they are acting as an instrument of Satan and trying to destroy our marriage.
Don’t be a sneaky parent. “Don’t tell your mother.” Or “Don’t tell your father.” Speak with a unified voice.
Children should obey their mother and father when? Always.
If you allow your children to disobey in anything, they will eventually disobey in everything.
This means parents, you lead. Children, you follow your parents’ leadership.
Now to Fathers. And this is for Fathers pointedly (because we have a tendency to do what we’re about to read), but in principle, this applies to everyone. But Paul writes to Fathers because they are in the domineering position in the family. And truthfully, fathers, we set the tone for the home. If fathers will do some things right, statistically, your family will follow. For instance,
if dad becomes a Christian, statistically, it is likely that the mom and the kids will become Christian.
If dad goes to church, mom and the kids go to church.
If dad reads his Bible, mom and the kids read their Bible.
And if dad prays, mom and the kids pray.
So if you can get dad straightened out, a lot of times, you get the whole family straightened out because dad is the family leader. So here’s what Paul says to fathers:
Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.
Fathers, do not aggravate your children or they will become discouraged. So this is the principle: do not aggravate or provoke your children. So here are the methods, let me talk to you about a few ways that we as parents, but specifically as fathers can aggravate or provoke our children:
Making more withdrawals through criticism than deposits through encouragement.
“all you do is you come and make a withdrawal, and you never make a deposit.” Dads who never say “I love you,” but always told you everything you did wrong.
2. Being physically imposing
This can be physical too, particularly when our kids are little. You can be imposing to them. You can shove them. You can control them. You can intimidate them. You can raise your voice at them. You can threaten them. And those are all provoking and discouraging to a child. Maybe some of you had a dad like that, and then as you got older, you got bigger than him and it got a little conflicted, and it was evolution in action at your house- might makes right. Lord of the Flies at your house.
You want don’t want to rule through force, coercion, intimidation, or size, because at some point, they will outgrow you. And it provokes and discourages a child because it works out that “even when you’re wrong, you’re right because you’re bigger than me.”
You need to rule through love.
3. Correction without instruction.
Mom, “bucky, cucky, ducky...”
Nehemiah and the floor. Wearing boots.
4. Public humiliation.
How many of you grew up in the family that whenever the family got together, it was time for a roast, and no, they were’t roasting hog, they were roasting you. And they would tell all the embarrassing stories about you like it’s Thanksgiving dinner and it’s like, “When Tony was little, he used to poop his diaper and eat it, and it looked like the gravy.” And everyone’s like “Ahhh! Tony! Hahahaha!” “Really? It’s thanksgiving dinner and this is my fiancee and she’s just meeting the family for the first time.” And some of your families have a good time roasting you in front of others and that can be very provoking and discouraging, so pray for Tony.
5. Not distinguishing between sins and mistakes.
You do not have the right to live in a museum with your children. Mistakes are part of growing up. Have you ever been at a restaurant, and some inattentive parent gives their child or lets their child get a glass cup, and guess what happens, the glass slips out of their hands and spills on the floor, and the parent disciplines the kid? Is it a sin if you’re a kid and a glass slips out of your hand? No. It’s just a mistake! The dad should have taken the wooden spoon to himself. He’s the one who made the mistake. Because the kid should have had what kind of cup? Sippy cup! See? We all know this!
You can’t discipline a kid for a mistake! You can’t discipline a kid for being clumsy. I was pretty clumsy as a kid. I would fall over and run into stuff because my head was too big for my body as a small child. It’s not a sin to be clumsy. It’s like living with a drunk little person who just got off a boat all the time. Their gonna fall over and stuff’s gonna get broken. It’s not a sin. It’s a mistake.
6. Favoritism
We see this in Genesis over and over.
7. Being physically present but mentally and/or emotionally absent.
Football, hockey, baseball. You’re checked out. On your phone.
8. Unreasonable expectations with performance in sports and grades.
Some parents unless their kid is going to the olympics with a 4.0. That’s unreasonable.
9. Non-relational parenting.
If you have a lot of rules, it’s because you have a bad relationship.
Delight in your children. Have lots of fun with them. Build your relationship, and it won’t be a big deal when you eventually have to discipline them.
10. Being stingy as a parent.
“I don’t want to spoil them.”
I don’t mind spoiling my kids as long as they don’t act spoiled.
God spoiled me. I should be on fire right now.
11. Not repenting of your own sin.
One of the most powerful things you can say to your children are these two words. You ready? “I’m sorry.”
Some of hear this, and you’re a little discouraged. I don’t want to leave you discouraged, so let end with some encouragement:
1. God is a father and he wants to parent you and love you and help you. And he will give you the grace to lovingly raise your kid as he’s raising you. You’re not on your own. You have a great heavenly father who’s there to parent you.
2. You can always point your children to Jesus. It says in Luke 2:52 that Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and favor with men and God. Whatever age your children are, you can point them to Jesus. And he can relate to them and empathize with them at that age. And they can talk to Jesus at that age. And they can pray, “Jesus, I’m 13 and I’m dealing with issues obeying my parents or image issues or whatever it is.” And Jesus knows exactly what it’s like to be 13.
3. Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need you.
They just need you doing as well as you can. Jesus didn’t have perfect parents, but he got the parents he needed.
4. There will be lots of opportunities for fun and joy with your kids. Savor those moments. Don’t be afraid to be goofy with your kids. The days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy the time you have with your kids. Make memories. Love them deeply. Love them well.
5. Rely on the Holy Spirit, who knows your child more intimately than you do. He knows that they are thinking and feeling, even when they can’t articulate it.
And if you just need prayer right now because you’re discouraged with your kids… etc.