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Good morning!
We’re going to be looking at the book of Colossians and Ephesians this morning as we talk about the gift that God gives us- the gift of children.
And I want to filter that this week through the lens of men as fathers and next week, we’ll look at the role of mother.
And again, I understand that not everyone wants to listen to a 28-year-old guy with 4 young children talk about this topic.
I know that there’s a chance that one night we could be watching Cops and one of my kids makes a guest appearance, and they’re not the cop.
I get it.
And I know that my kids aren’t perfect.
I think I can see that closer than anyone, but remember that goal of parenting is not to make perfect kids, but to make God-loving kids.
And we do that in relationship.
None of what we need to accomplish as Fathers can be done effectively without a relationship with our kids.
Remember, like arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior are the children of one’s youth.
We aim these arrows at the target of loving God.
Everything else is secondary.
We craft these arrows in relationship, and we release them to fly straight.
So here’s today’s big idea for fathers: it’s hard to have a loving, safe, healthy, life-giving, enjoyable relationship when one person is domineering over the other.
And this was the culture in which Paul wrote the letters that we’re going to be talking about today.
That fathers need to love and invest in and care for their children was controversial and counter-cultural.
In our day, we see sort of the opposite, don’t we? Children often times are domineering over their parents.
If you’ve been to Walmart ever, you’ve seen this.
Kid throwing a tantrum in the aisle or at the register to get what they want, and the parents just promising them the world to get them to be quiet and stop embarrassing them.
And like I always say at my house, “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
This is true in movies, TV shows, everything.
It’s always, the parents are dumb as rocks (though dad is usually dumber than mom), the kids are super smart and know what’s going on, and the kids and their pet save the day.
Right?
Kids, let me just burst your bubble right now: that is not reality.
Your parents aren’t dumb.
They’ve got about twenty or thirty years on you.
That’s a fair amount of time to learn some things.
So before we get into commands for Fathers, kids, I want to remind you of this one:
This is talking about when you are young.
See, when you move out and you’re an adult, this no longer applies to you, but while you are a minor and you live in your parent’s house, you should obey.
There’s a pastor that tells a story about taking his sons to get a hair cut.
When they’re done, he goes and pays for the haircut and ask for him to get them some hair gel so they can look cool.
And he says, okay, and he pays for it.
And around the same time, there’s another young man who walks in with his mom.
And she drove him to get a haircut, and as he’s getting his hair cut, she walks back to inspect it and make sure it’s okay.
And she paid for it, and her son, similar to the pastor’s sons says, “mom, I need gel for my hair.”
An she says, “you don’t need gel.
You already have a little, and it will last until your next haircut.”
And he says, “no mom.
It’s gonna run out.”
And they had a very intense argument there in the barber shop, and he’s in his thirties.
He’s a single guy (I have no idea why) in his thirties, and his mom says to him, “You need to obey your mother.”
That is great when you’re three.
That is not great when you’re thirty three, amen?
So when they’re young, your kids need to obey you.
Let me say a few things about obedience that may be controversial, but that I believe will be helpful.
Obedience is not counting.
“Don’t make me count to 1,478.
Don’t make me do it!
1,423 and 1/4… You’re pushing it.
I’m gonna get there!”
When we count, we’re saying to our kids, “You can obey me when you feel like it.”
And now, we’re in a hostage negotiation, and there’s a clock ticking much like one that would be on a bomb in the middle of a hostage negotiation.
When you’re counting, you’re teaching your children not to obey, but to negotiate.
Obviously there are times where children need time to process what you’ve told them to do, but when the child’s heart is stubborn, and you begin counting, what you have just done is surrendered in a hostage negotiation.
How many of you have seen this at the store?
You want to see bad parenting, just go to Walmart and walk around for a bit.
There’s always the one parent that’s like “I’m gonna count to 10. ....8 and 1/2, 8 and 3/4....”
I’m always like, “they’re 2. They don’t even know where you are now.
They don’t do fractions.”
Obedience is not counting.
2. Obedience is not reverse psychology.
Some of you have seen the parents with the kids that they knew would rebel, so they tell them to do the wrong thing, and they rebel, and it ends up being the right thing.
So the parents are like, “Do not.
DO NOT eat your vegetables!
Don’t you eat them!”
And the kids are like, “Oh, I’ll show them.
I’m gonna eat them.”
And your parents were like, “Woo hoo!
We won!”
No, you didn’t win, you just raised a terrorist.
What they’ve done is said, “my child has a rebellious heart, not an obedient one.
So because they will rebel, I will trick them to make my life easier.”
3. Obedience is not bribing.
You can tell if a child has been bribed, because when they’re told to do something, they turn into a small attorney and try to negotiate all the deal points.
“It’s time for bed.”
“What do I get if I go to bed?”
“To live.
To live.
You get to live.”
“Do I get ice cream?”
No. No.
And you’ll see parents that negotiate.
“You can’t have ice cream, but you can have a candy bar.”
“Okay.
Great.
Now we’re back back into the hostage negotiation with the small attorney that looks like my child.”
Obedience is not bribing your child.
And it does not mean “children, obey your parents.”
Right?
How many of you have seen this, again, in Walmart?
Well, you hear it first.
There’s a kid screaming like they are being murdered there in the store.
And the parent can’t handle it, because it’s embarrassing, so they say, “just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you if you’ll stop.”
And I always think to myself, “do you have any idea what kind of person you are raising, Mrs. Bin Laden?”
This is going to be a horrible adult!
And that’s why in the Zoll household, we tell our kids, “we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Keep acting up, we’ll take you to the bathroom.
Or to the car.
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